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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

(d)h threatened to hit me

580 replies

itstimmy · 10/10/2010 08:52

Yes I provoked him.

When we met he said he had threatened to hit a gf before. And he said if another lady talked to him in a provoking way he would hit her, as apparently 'women who provoke secretly want to be hit'.

There have been lots of small things over the last 7 years I have wanted to speak to him about, I have, to no avail, he will just cut me off with a threatening look or sarcasum. And there have been a number of big things over the years I have had to keep a lid on when really I wanted to go ballistic with him. This has led to me simmering with resentment and anger at him, I just want to speak out and be heard and for him to actually take some action...but I dare not for this threat.

So yesterday it was a minor incident, I have been 'needling' him about it and making a few snippy comments, and in front of dd which I'm not proud of but I can hardly tell her not to do something when her dad is...it needs both of them to stop and have spoken to both indvidually about it. And I made one last comment yesterday, I was just incredibly pissed off but could not tell him how annoyed I was due to constant threat so made a pointed 'look what has happened, don't do it to the next one' comment and he got up from table and went to other room.

About 15 min later he comes to room where I'm folding clothes and warns me that I nearly got hit. To stop provoking him or I will get hit. He was not threatening me or trying to bully me he was warning me. And that it would hurt (said that a few times) and we have two small children in the house and that he did not want to hit me but I was provoking him into it. He was v scary, as he rarely makes eye contact and he did yesterday. First I tried to put on a I'm not scared leave me alone look but he told me I was provoking him, so I told him in a calmer (upset way, I was scared) why I had done it and it was wrong to have provoked but I had done it because he has been ignoring what I've been saying and I just want him to listen to me. In the end after a few more 'warnings' I asked him to leave, so (cursing myself now) I left the room and went to bathroom (door shut) so quietly cry my heart out, then when he went out drinking last night to do it again. He has left house again for an hour now and I just want to cry again. When he's in room I just start meaningless things like stirring porridge, feel a bit shakey.

I don't know what to do now. Does this mean after 7 years he is going to start to hit me? What will count as 'provoking'? Will going out all the time be provoking as I don't want to be in the same room as him. There have been a number of incidents over the years that have made me want to leave but I think this could take the biscuit.

On another note I don't think he loves or cares for me which is probably also where the provoking comes from...

I feel humiliated and scared. Wish I could threaten to smack him one...but even if I had the advantage I would not.

I know I can be a martyr and annoying but what the hell do I do now? I cannot move on without him actually taking responsibility for his actions in the house without getting so wound up he won't listen to me and then I get wound up and want to vent but can't.

What a mess.

He's back shortly so if I go quiet its for a reason.

And I married him because he reminded me of abusive dad...

Just rechecked this...I think I can see why he wants to hit me...but I just want him to LISTEN. And the provocation is down to that...you know where you just want to go "AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!!' and then whatever it is gets blown over, no big row, just a quick vent...imagine keeping a lid on that for 7 years...and there have been some whoppers where I wanted to just go completely wild and walk out that I've had to keep a lid on. Am excusing my behaviour now...how the hell do I get him to listen...thanks for reading so far...

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/10/2010 12:40

This is not going to go down well but.

Its sounds like it is an abusive relationship from both sides.

the provoking is emotional abuse.
the threatening to hit is emotional abuse.

If you keep provoking he *WILL^ eventually hit you.

You need to leave, for the sake of all involved.

Feenie · 10/10/2010 12:46

How the hell is she abusing him? What a ridiculous thing to say.

EmpressOfTheUniverseReality · 10/10/2010 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 12:53

Boney, fuck off, ok ?

clam · 10/10/2010 12:57

Oh FFS, that's all we need, Boney.

Ignore, ignore, ignore, timmy. Asking to read your own DD a story at night is not provoking.

maduggar · 10/10/2010 12:58

Oh wow, no way is she abusing him. I am so shocked that someone has even suggested it!

DooinMeSizers · 10/10/2010 12:59

Boney have you read the same op as all of us???

ullainga · 10/10/2010 13:04

timmy, you are asking "he's an intelligent man though, why would he risk hitting me? he could/can lose everything he has...why do it?"

because he can. He's an intelligent man and knows that by the time he actually hits you, he has managed to convince you to believe that it was your own fault and you provoked him. After all, he already told you he will hit you and what happened? Nothing. You didn't leave, you didn't tell him that this is unacceptable - instead you are worried about provoking him and you are walking around on eggshells worried about what might set him off. Exactly what he wanted.

Think about it - I promise that the things you write here are horrifying for everybody else - but he has already gotten you so far that you don't even consider them that bad. He said he will hurt you, he has said he would like to kill your cat?!? What kind of person says those things? You are terrified of him - of that one person in the world who should be nothing but loving and supportive?

And yes, your daughters are quite likely to find similar relationships for themselves in the future - do you want them living in constant fear, always controlling their words and actions so they would not provoke their husbands?

Please get help.

LoveBeingAMardyBum · 10/10/2010 13:05

You said he is like your dad, do you want your dd to have the same childhood as you and then marry someone like her father? Show her what should ahppen to this men.

tethersend · 10/10/2010 13:09

"and there have been some whoppers where I wanted to just go completely wild and walk out that I've had to keep a lid on. "

What were they, timmy? Can you channel the feeling you had of wanting to walk out... and walk out?

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/10/2010 13:13

from the OP

"Yes I provoked him."
"I have been 'needling' him about it"

more worrying though is

"I married him because he reminded me of abusive dad"

doesn't give him the right to be abusive or threatening.

both parties need help.

I said it wouldn't go down well

DooinMeSizers · 10/10/2010 13:17

Boney she thinks that because that is what he has made her believe! I have a go at DH about pulling his weight in the house. I am not provoking him into hitting me. I am expressing an opinion and as one half an equal adult relationship I have every right to do so, without being made to feel scared.

You really are on a different planet to the rest of us aren't you???

ledkr · 10/10/2010 13:49

good grief i better stop "provoking" my hubby or he might hit me!!Are you a bloke? Cannot believe a woman would say that.
I got told by ex that i was lucky he didnt hit me like some blokes.

I spat in his tea and then booted him out of the door.

colditz · 10/10/2010 13:51

He'll hit you, and in his eyes it will never be wrong because "you secretly wanted to be hit"

Faaamily · 10/10/2010 14:06

itstimmy, please make sure you clear your history on your computer (do you know how to do this?). I am really worried for you. I can hear the panic in your posts. You don't want to believe that the man you married and have children with is a 'monster'.

But I will say this to you straight - everything you have said leads me to believe he is a very dangerous man indeed,and my honest advice would be to get out of this situation as soon as you can. get you and your kids out. Please.

(Boney is talking dangerous and absurd rubbish, btw. Nobody 'provokes' another human being to threaten or hit or rape another human being).

mumonthenet · 10/10/2010 14:32

Timmy, the fact that he threatens to hit you, to hurt you is in itself A CRIME. Domestic Violence
The shared police, Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) and government definition of
domestic violence is:
?any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical,
sexual, financial or emotional) between adults, aged 18 and over, who are or have
been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender and sexuality This is from this page

Don't underestimate this.

Don't believe that because you nagged him you deserve it.

Don't believe that you are in some way, OR IN ANYWAY, responsible.

You asked how you can take back some control. First, I would suggest play "good dog". Do not confront him. Speak to WA and call your local Police Domestic Violence Unit. You do not have to make a formal complaint. Be prepared, collect together important documents, clothes for your dc's and yourself, phones, keys and money. Hide these. Have your phone with you at all times. Be prepared the next time he makes this threat, to walk out the door and call the police from outside the house.

And, as faaamily says, also clear your internet history. Do you know how to do this?

giveitago · 10/10/2010 17:26

Boney

"the provoking is emotional abuse.
the threatening to hit is emotional abuse."

The 'provoking' is basically the reaction of a person who has no control or voice in their life leaking out their fear, anger and frustration.

When someone has been told they'll be physically punished for being 'out of line' their only outlet will then be to make tiny noises and in this case it's comments and such like as if they say outright they are not happy about something they fear serious reprisals (for just having a point of view or a concern).

OP - you are not not being a pain with him. You are human - you have feelings and you know things are wrong and so you make comments to him as you dare not state the facts.

If you did everything he wanted and didn't 'provoke' you'd be ill with all the turmoil you are forced to live with. It's an outlet - not a great one - but the only one you thought you had had.

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 18:01

I think Boney is one of those "helpful" male posters who were all over the boards a few days ago with their own particular brand of fuckwitted misogyny

giveitago · 10/10/2010 19:14

Scaryfucker - is boney a man? If so, that's shameful.

amberlight · 10/10/2010 20:08

Well, according to Boney's logic, if I take a bus into town and the person in front of me looks at me in a funny way, I can hit them. Then if the bus driver gets a bit cross that I haven't got the right change, I have the right to hit them too. Plus if I have to stand because no-one gives up their seat to me, I can perhaps beat them round the head with a handbag till they stand up. Then if I get to the office and my boss asks me to do something I don't want to bother to do, I could threaten to headbutt them. After all, they all provoked me. It was their fault.

In which world would this be an acceptable or understandable response to everyday life?

PosieParker · 10/10/2010 20:13

OP you can come to my house and needle/annoy/hen peck me all you like and I will never hit you.

You need to get this man out of your life.

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 20:24

give, I am only surmising that Boney is a man

I am not judging men btw, only men who would post that kind of woman-hating bullshit

and there has been a spate of them recently

proudnglad · 10/10/2010 20:30

May I suggest we dismiss Boney as it distracting posters and possibly making OP think about the bullshit he/she said.

How are you timmy?

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 20:31

yes, good idea proud

will say no more about it

PeppermintPasty · 10/10/2010 21:28

Hello. Been lurking. Horrific. Where is Timmy?

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