What the hell is going on? Am I complete fool??!

[EternalCynic]

DH has gone out yet again with his new friends whom I have never met. Yet again, he does not answer the phone when I call (which is not often by the way, I have called three times since he left 4 hours ago). Normally he would call me to see how I'm doing...to just generally be courteous. Now, nothing. He started a new job recently and his colleagues are, shall we say, young and disgustingly gorgeous for the most part. He is also gorgeous, and 28. I'm fat, knackered from work all the time, and just generally look like shit. I feel a big part of why I look shit is how he has been treating me. I just look miserable all the time, and it makes me feel and look ugly.

Is he cheating on me? He refuses to let me meet these supposedly male friends/colleagues. Last time he went out with them, when he got home I asked who had showed up and he named about 5 men. Then a load of pictures showed up on Facebook - I looked at one and it had a woman in it. He said "oh yes, so-and-so was there too, but no one else". I click onto the next photo, lo and behold there are three women posing hanging off our car door. As usual, when i got pissed off he turned it all around and got in a stinking mood with me, and just clammed up.

If I ever 'dare' to get angry, he just gets angrier. People NEED to be allowed to be angry sometimes - I feel so....so....AGH! I have to walk on eggshells and accept this kind of shit, and God only knows what else, for fear of him flipping out again. I have been trying to live thinking 'ignorance is bliss', and that it's best for me to just glaze over anything that upsets me and get on with things for the sake of a quiet, tolerably happy life.

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I am away from my family, I only really have one good friend, I live in a bizarre country where it's not as easy as 'pack a bag and get on the train' etc.

I do love him. And sometimes I feel I have moments of clarity where I think that I am hugely overreacting, due to my horrible lack of trust in any man (father issues, the usual)...but they are rare.

Am I paranoid? Am I ruining this relationship myself? Or is he betraying my trust? I feel like I'm going mad.

Oh and I started cutting myself again recently. Haven't done it in years but the pain and anger just built up to such a level, and I lost it. He wasn't here, not that he was bothered at all when he saw what I'd done (save "why on earth did you do that?!"...no shock, worry or anything).

Sorry...I just have no one to talk to, and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm 25 for God's sake, I feel like I'm losing my life.

Leave him, he's lying to you. I know you say it's 'not that easy' but it is possible.

He's taking the piss, whether he's actually up to no good or not. Yes, of course you have the right to be angry sometimes and yes, he should be showing you a damn sight more respect and compassion than he seems to be doing.

You're way too young to be dealing with this kind of shit - life is too short to piss away with a man like this. Do you have kids together?

It does sound like you are being a bit over-paranoid and he is reacting to that by further hiding things from you iyswim - why shouldn't he go out with female as well as male colleagues? Surely if there was anything going on then there wouldn't have been a whole bunch of them.
Huge apolgies if I have got that wrong and he is always secretive.
Also calling 3 times in 4 hours for no particular reason IS excessive, sorry. If DH goes out I appreciate a text to say hi, otherwise I assume he's busy / having too much fun / been kicked out of a bar because of an upside down duck (don't ask!)

If you are cutting yourself, please get help.Do you have family and friends you know you can rely on>

sorry, you are away from your family, you said

What do people think her DH is doing wrong?? Genuine question - I x posted with everyone and am clearly in the minority

Colditz, he said the reason he didn't tell me about the female 'friends' at dinner was that he knew I'd overreact and be furious, which I was...and to be honest I was furious about the lie, but also furious that he was out with these stunning women when I was sitting at home on my own. He said his friend brought them and he hadn't known they'd be coming. Don't know if I believe that...

Do you think his reasoning for the lie is justified? I just think now...how do I know he's not out with other women now? How do I know he's not shagging someone? I feel like the trust is broken and he can't be bothered to fix it.

Leaving really is quite hard...I'm in debt (car) and this is not a place you're allowed to leave if you're in debt...as in literally not allowed.

You have to leave before you lose the last shreds of self respect that you have.

You can do it, you just need to be strong.

are you able to get a job??

StealthPolarBear, thanks for your posts...see this is where I become unsure of myself. I certainly have jealousy issues. so does he, although less recently (he doesn't seem too bothered what I do or with whom anymore). But...where's the line? Where does it stop being unreasonable jealousy? I just don't know.

The phone calls....to be honest we have always called each other a lot...we're just like that, or used to be. He had said he would call when he got there (the roads are kind of a nightmare here) and he didn't so I was a bit worried...

Sorry if I'm cross-posting with people, I am reading all your posts

I have a job, no kids yet. Do you all really think it's a dealbreaker? Is it him or me? I'm scared of leaving only to find out it's me who's screwed up, then I'll be alone and insane lol

OK fair enough, ues if you'd agreed to call and if it;s normal for you
I DON'T want to place all the blame on you and stand up for him, which will only make you less sure of yourself, but IMO it's difficult to tell whetehr it;s him being unreasonable or you being jealous as an outsider. However, I seem to be in a minority, my views differ with posters I really respect so...
SO if you can bear it for a while longer a job would help you regain some self esteem, so interests and some friends? Do you have visa issues?

ahh sorry you have a job :o
please get some help if you're cutting xx

Why don't you concentrate on sorting yourself out.

Get to the gym, get a hair cut etc etc. Make sure you sort out your finances and get a stash going - so that if you need to leave you can.
No woman should rely on a man - be your own person!

How often does he go out OP?

Getting angry when you get pissed off with his lying is a real alarm bell, because he's doing it to "shut you up"

Go on a diet! You can control what you eat and it'll make you feel a billion times better. I really don't like the attitude of, "I'm fat and ugly and he works with gorgeous women, wah wah". It's up to you how you look, and whether you're attractive or not.

Your first priority should be yourself, not him or The Relationship. Work on your self-esteem, on dealing with the self-harming issues, on sorting out your debts, and this will make you stronger, strong enough to leave if that's the right thing to do.
It's possible that your relationship is coming to an end and it's possible (please bear in mind that I do not know you or your DH and can only go by what you posted) that you are simply too needy and unhappy to be a good partner and your DH is backing away from you but doesn't feel he can actually tell you the relationship is over.

You are not paranoid and you are not over reacting. Get yourself together and find yourself a counsellor. You need help and cutting yourself will not solve your problems.

Your DH is enjoying himself in the pub while you are stuck indoors, ringing him every half an hour hopin for an answer.He never answers the phone and comes home late at night or early hours in the morning. I had that for years and fully symphatise with you.

Concentrate on yourself, not him (and what he is doing) and get help. Go to your GP, they will be able to sort out some counselling sessions for you. Your partner is not worth your time.

I'm not saying you have no reason to be paranoid, but perhaps you're stuck in this cycle of pushing to find out more and he's not wanting to sting you further (or arise more suspician)

however, this did leap out at me: "which is not often by the way, I have called three times since he left 4 hours ago"

phoning 3 times in 4 hours whilst my partner is out with work colleagues etc is way OTT imho, BUT i know that context matters (so, if he's going out regularly, stuff like he's claiming it's all blokes and it's not, that's bad...but i just wanted to point out that in a healthy realationship i think it's unreasonable for a person to be called every hour and twenty minutes whilst out with colleagues)

maybe you need to reset boundaries (e.g. have set nights out, claim some leisure time for yourself, etc), but - yeah. this bit did ring alarm bells.

(and i'm speaking as someone who goes out maybe twice a year so hardly a social animal myself :))

Don't cut, sweetheart :(

You sound unbearably sad. People are trying to reply to your question(am I being unreasonable) without hearing what you're saying about your relationship. You wrote this:
If I ever 'dare' to get angry, he just gets angrier. I have to walk on eggshells and accept this kind of shit, and God only knows what else, for fear of him flipping out again.

Now, it doesn't matter what other people think is 'normal' or what they do in their own lives - that's a red herring. When your partner cares so little about you that he chooses to answer your worries - and your self-harm - with anger and dismissal, that person is not a good partner or even a good person, really. When you are frightened to express your own feelings, you're not in a relationship - you're in a dictatorship. "Walking on eggshells" is just another way of saying "Living in fear".

Are you cutting out of frustration, to 'feel' something after pressing all your true feelings down for so long? It's not safe for you to keep trying to shut yourself up like this - and it's plainly not safe to actually express your feelings honestly at home - so I think you urgently need to find another way to let them out. Two obvious options are counselling and fighting classes (kickboxing, judo?). If I were you, I'd go for both and really use them! Even if your options are too limited for that, how about running - fast, far and often - and weight training? You can probably get his permission/support for your efforts, if you tell him you've realised you need to "fix yourself".

While you're busy expressing yourself & sorting thing out, you need to work out this debt thing. Can the car be re-sold or is that not possible whilst it's unpaid (or is it owned in his name?) If you can't et shot of it, you may have to embark on the slow, apinful process of squirelling away small amounts until you have a secret stash. Many women have had to do this, throughout history - the money does mount up and, as it does, so does your sense of empowerment.

Kiss your cuts better :) Love yourself, and begin to find your freedom. Wishing you well.

Hi,

I think we can all be hard on ourselves and insecure it is normal. I think you feel worse because you feel you are not in control of your own life.
In this situation you need to think about getting that control back in your own life and how you are going to do that.
Try and think about what you want to do for yourself, just because you have a partner it doesnt mean you have to lose your own identity. If you feel over weight set out ways to change this. Once you are being strong and sticking to a weight loss plan then you will feel more in control of your life and your self confidence and image will change. Try and get exercise it will help with the frustration.

I think because you feel bad about yourself your thinking your not beautiful etc etc and comparing yourself but once you get your own life back on track your confidence will rise then you can objectivley decide wether you want to be with this guy or not.
Maybe you need some time away to think about your relationship. Do you live together? could you go anywhere else? maybe have a break and work on yourself. It doesnt have to be the end.

A lot of men cant cope with emotions and with you cutting yourself too, maybe he cant cope, your both young too.
With you ringing over and over its not going to help, it might push you both further apart.
I can understand how you feel about him going out with these other girls and not inviting you. You should be invited really. I know what you mean about him getting angry, I was with a man like this once, as soon as I mentioned anything he would just leave and I would be sat their feeling so hurt so I ended up feeling like I could never say what I felt because if I did he would go....Its awful feeling confused all the time and unheard I know.

I think its got to a point where you need space from one another. It sounds like you still care so it might not be a case of just ending it all together.
Definatley work on you though and reclaim your confidence and independence than you can view everything more clearly. I would cool off him for now and work on you then decide what you want!

Rachx

If you're where I think you are (can't leave if you have debts and crazy roads) then as long as your payments are up to date (ie you haven't defaulted) and you leave on a return ticket then you can leave with no problems. If that's what you decide to do that is... x

Every single word that Grace said.

Please get help with the cutting, and please get help with the debt.

'he said the reason he didn't tell me about the female 'friends' at dinner was that he knew I'd overreact and be furious, which I was...and to be honest I was furious about the lie, but also furious that he was out with these stunning women when I was sitting at home on my own. He said his friend brought them and he hadn't known they'd be coming. Don't know if I believe that...'
I'm and on your behalf.
Cheater or not, it's a cruel and cold and contemptuous man who would jerk you around with lies like that, and fail to respond to your cutting.

If you won the lottery tomorrow, what would you do?

So the guy goes out for a few nights with work collegues and she should leave him? sorry but that sounds like advice from damaged goods. Girl if your self harming thats the main problem here not some silly night out where he dident call. You need to get some help first and foremost then decide if your happy and try to talk with your partner. Is there anything else to make you suspicious of him because from what ive read so far you dont have to worry so much.

The main issue here i see is your self esteem, it sounds like its really low at the moment :( Is this because of the relationship or have you always been abit low on self esteem? If your unhappy then you should look at your options but dont go leaving a decent relationship over some works night out where a few of his collegues got drunk and took a photo.

that sounds like advice from damaged goods
Nice one, lollipop.
If by 'damaged goods' you mean women who have actually got some experience and try to share it so that others don't have to go through the same thing - you're right.
I don't think much of your choice of words, though
If the only contribution you can make to a thread by a clearly distressed OP is to trivialise her feelings and insult her respondents, maybe you could stick to AIBU, where you'll do less harm.

good call, ghoul