What the hell is going on? Am I complete fool??!

[EternalCynic]

DH has gone out yet again with his new friends whom I have never met. Yet again, he does not answer the phone when I call (which is not often by the way, I have called three times since he left 4 hours ago). Normally he would call me to see how I'm doing...to just generally be courteous. Now, nothing. He started a new job recently and his colleagues are, shall we say, young and disgustingly gorgeous for the most part. He is also gorgeous, and 28. I'm fat, knackered from work all the time, and just generally look like shit. I feel a big part of why I look shit is how he has been treating me. I just look miserable all the time, and it makes me feel and look ugly.

Is he cheating on me? He refuses to let me meet these supposedly male friends/colleagues. Last time he went out with them, when he got home I asked who had showed up and he named about 5 men. Then a load of pictures showed up on Facebook - I looked at one and it had a woman in it. He said "oh yes, so-and-so was there too, but no one else". I click onto the next photo, lo and behold there are three women posing hanging off our car door. As usual, when i got pissed off he turned it all around and got in a stinking mood with me, and just clammed up.

If I ever 'dare' to get angry, he just gets angrier. People NEED to be allowed to be angry sometimes - I feel so....so....AGH! I have to walk on eggshells and accept this kind of shit, and God only knows what else, for fear of him flipping out again. I have been trying to live thinking 'ignorance is bliss', and that it's best for me to just glaze over anything that upsets me and get on with things for the sake of a quiet, tolerably happy life.

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I am away from my family, I only really have one good friend, I live in a bizarre country where it's not as easy as 'pack a bag and get on the train' etc.

I do love him. And sometimes I feel I have moments of clarity where I think that I am hugely overreacting, due to my horrible lack of trust in any man (father issues, the usual)...but they are rare.

Am I paranoid? Am I ruining this relationship myself? Or is he betraying my trust? I feel like I'm going mad.

Oh and I started cutting myself again recently. Haven't done it in years but the pain and anger just built up to such a level, and I lost it. He wasn't here, not that he was bothered at all when he saw what I'd done (save "why on earth did you do that?!"...no shock, worry or anything).

Sorry...I just have no one to talk to, and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm 25 for God's sake, I feel like I'm losing my life.

I agree with you, bedubabe. I'm not a self-harmer (possibly the only screwed-up behaviour I haven't engaged in!) but have a long and inglorious history of denying my own feelings; always putting others' needs before my own. As you say, that combination is highly attractive to users & abusers. It takes quite a bit of work to turn that around - I'm finding it hard enough on my own, and it's much trickier if you're still being pushed around. I really hope you find enough ways through, EC, to build up your independence in spite of him. Please don't be too proud to accept help, if you manage to source some. Pride can be a hindrance, as can silence.

Wishing you all the best :)

Keep posting, EternalCynic. there are lots of people here to lend an ear, many have been through similar.

Hope you're ok today?

Hi op, escuse me for asking but why can't you go out with him and his friends as you ave no kids? Why he won't let you meet them?? Btw I agree with the others, "walking on eggshels" and "having to let him have his way to keep peace seem like abusing signs to me.
No one should bear abuse but at 25? Even more so.

Oh EternalCynic, that almost made me throw up. How utterly utterly awful.

Hi all, thank you for your responses and I apologise for not having replied sooner. It's quite hard to admit a lot of the things I did, so I needed to have some time away to just be in denial (being brutally honest).

Things are not really better - worse in fact. I have been thinking a lot about things...DH has a nasty habit of taking the smallest little thing - an innocent comment I make, a question about something totally unimportant, and twisting it in a way that persuades him I am accusing him of infidelity, of secrecy, of his treating me like shit etc. Honestly, it could be something like 'will you be home this afternoon, because you asked me to remind you to do X' and he will take it as 'where are you going this afternoon? who are you sleeping with?' . It is bloody tiring, and draining and it is a nightmare not being able to ask my husband a simple question, for fear of being screamed at or worse again.

The cutting - honestly, I am not naive, but I do not presently see it as a problem. I have done it perhaps twice in the last year, included the last time. It is no longer regular, is not serious enough to be life threatening, and gives me at least some short-term comfort which, to be frank, is better than nothing at the moment.

I desperately would like to see a counsellor but I can't afford it and insurance doesn't cover it. Actually, if I'm going to mention things I'm desperate to do, it's to go be able to walk out the door and go ten minutes down the road to see my lovely sister for a chat. But I can't. Made my own bed I suppose. I just feel scared. I couldn't leave if I wanted to. I can't get out of this debt any time soon (it's in my name), I owe my company money for my house (long story but it's the way of the world here). I don't have the money to pay all that back in one go, never mind to be able to fund getting home. And let's be honest, what would I do once I got there? My family have their own lives - I can't just expect to swan in and be taken care of. I was a child when I left, but I'm not now. That's surprisingly hard to come to terms with.

He has just called to say sorry he didn't answer before (he stormed out again tonight - I called to ask where he had put my keys) but his 'answer' button wasn't working...it took him 15 mins to call back . He said he has been alone for the past few hours (bollocks, do I look like a newborn?) but is meeting a friend later. He basically feels he can do whatever he wants whilst sharing no information with me.

Oh and today when we argued he concluded that husbands would be better off treating their wives like shit, as then the wife will just make life easy and keep quiet, rather than question, debate, speak up and defend herself. I told him he's morphed into his dad.

I'm really buggered aren't I.

Wow sorry, big rant!

Have you ever heard of Occams Razor?
take the most likely story

No I haven't - I'll have a look on Google...

EC, I really think you should just pack your bags and come home to your family

all the practicalities can be sorted later

your mental health is more than that

just get on a fucking plane, for god's sake

worth more

How can I do that when i am personally responsible for a house, car, job, car (no, I won't abandon her, as stupid as it sounds she is my only company here!) and no money to pay for a ticket? I have to try and plan. I can't just leave, in practical terms, as much I'd love to just disappear off to the airport this minute without saying another word to him.

I looked up Occams Razor - the simplest answer is usually the correct one. Yes, I agree...unfortunately it is not always the easiest/most practical to carry out.

I am not making excuses...please don't feel I'm rejecting what you're saying to me. I just have no one to talk to about this. No one. God I sound pathetic, sorry

Sorry, last one was CAT - not 'car' - I don't feel that close to my car

No, you don't sound pathetic

But you do sound like you are rationalising this

have you managed to squirrel any money aside since you last posted ?

maybe it will take you a while, but you have to leave

did you really say your car is your only company and you can't leave "her"

please tell me you mistyped/I misread

cat !

thank fuck for that

yes, rehome the cat

then rehome yourself

I don't have any credit cards and never have yet as, ironically, I didn't want to get into debt. It was just automatic that I took the car loan as my salary was much more at the time, so it made sense. The house is in my name as it is sponsored by my company, so has to be. The car is registered in his name though, he is the legal owner, which I don't like. He has offered to change it to my name several times but due to my age the insurance company won't consider it.

I am rationalising I suppose. I feel like I have to, as I honestly cannot see a way out and so otherwise I'll go mad. I just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

AF, I meant cat, not car! That makes me sound very odd - wish there was an 'edit post' function :)

I just don't know what has happened to him. He says I have changed an I'm boring, unsexy etc. Perhaps...I am more tired as I work so much (recession, fighting to keep my job). WRT intimacy, every time we have a falling out, he throws in my face how 'boring' and unsatisfactory I am in that department. I was thinking about this last night. I used to feel very confident and attractive, very much so. I realised that I have actually started to just believe him. And that makes it true, because I don't even bother trying to be exciting anymore. That made me really sad. He acts as though i should be grateful he hasn't cheated (well, he doesn't act it, he has actually said it). He is much better looking than me - people always say how lucky I am to be with him (people I know, but even strangers have said this to me - FFS I am not hideous, I'm just normal), and his new colleagues shower his Facebook pictures with comments about how 'hot' he is etc. which only perpetuates his view that I am lucky he sticks with me.

He never used to think that - he used to think he was incredibly lucky to be with me. How the f*ck did this all change? I am trying to pinpoint the moment in time....

You are very far from "lucky" to have him

I would go so far as to say you have been monumentally unlucky to have thrown all your eggs in your basket into a relationship with an abuser

Now, what is stopping you from turning your fortunes around and just getting the fuck out of there ?

Really ? What is stopping you ?

You are 25.

Leave. Before he fully convinces you that you are worthless (you are not)

You can pay your debts if need be...from a distance. Come back to your family.

It started to change after he trapped you, and then systematically went about deconstructing your self-esteem.

In this day and age, there is no compulsion to stay with an abuser.

Dittany, like I said, she can just walk away

I know, d