What the hell is going on? Am I complete fool??!

[EternalCynic]

DH has gone out yet again with his new friends whom I have never met. Yet again, he does not answer the phone when I call (which is not often by the way, I have called three times since he left 4 hours ago). Normally he would call me to see how I'm doing...to just generally be courteous. Now, nothing. He started a new job recently and his colleagues are, shall we say, young and disgustingly gorgeous for the most part. He is also gorgeous, and 28. I'm fat, knackered from work all the time, and just generally look like shit. I feel a big part of why I look shit is how he has been treating me. I just look miserable all the time, and it makes me feel and look ugly.

Is he cheating on me? He refuses to let me meet these supposedly male friends/colleagues. Last time he went out with them, when he got home I asked who had showed up and he named about 5 men. Then a load of pictures showed up on Facebook - I looked at one and it had a woman in it. He said "oh yes, so-and-so was there too, but no one else". I click onto the next photo, lo and behold there are three women posing hanging off our car door. As usual, when i got pissed off he turned it all around and got in a stinking mood with me, and just clammed up.

If I ever 'dare' to get angry, he just gets angrier. People NEED to be allowed to be angry sometimes - I feel so....so....AGH! I have to walk on eggshells and accept this kind of shit, and God only knows what else, for fear of him flipping out again. I have been trying to live thinking 'ignorance is bliss', and that it's best for me to just glaze over anything that upsets me and get on with things for the sake of a quiet, tolerably happy life.

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I am away from my family, I only really have one good friend, I live in a bizarre country where it's not as easy as 'pack a bag and get on the train' etc.

I do love him. And sometimes I feel I have moments of clarity where I think that I am hugely overreacting, due to my horrible lack of trust in any man (father issues, the usual)...but they are rare.

Am I paranoid? Am I ruining this relationship myself? Or is he betraying my trust? I feel like I'm going mad.

Oh and I started cutting myself again recently. Haven't done it in years but the pain and anger just built up to such a level, and I lost it. He wasn't here, not that he was bothered at all when he saw what I'd done (save "why on earth did you do that?!"...no shock, worry or anything).

Sorry...I just have no one to talk to, and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm 25 for God's sake, I feel like I'm losing my life.

The saddest part of your very sad post is where you say right at the end 'Oh and I started cutting myself again recently....' like it's not important. It is so so so important to be able (and allowed to) express how you are feeling.

I disagree with Stealth I'm afraid. Men like that make you paranoid (bitter experience emoticon).

Not sure if you have children as I haven't read the whole thread, but actually, even if you have, unless you are both up for a shed-load of counselling I'd suggest considering whether your future is with him.

If you do have children, 25 years of a self harming mother who isn't allowed to express negative emotion isn't going to be great for them.

You sound far too nice for this man.

I'm so happy to see that you've posted back, EC. Thanks. Listen, when AF &co say you're "justifying" staying with the areshole you've been unfortunate enough to marry, that doesn't have to mean they think you don't want a proper life of your own. Many of us know the total erosion of character that ongoing abuse can cause. You start to feel so insecure, and so trapped, that you couldn't even walk out the door if it was wide open. This is how abuse works. It is the aim of abuse: to make you imprison yourself. Your H has stated this purpose, hasn't he? Keep you in line to make his life easy. Don't for one second imagine he won't do it - even worse than he is now.

It's going to be hard, but you MUST STOP hoping this will get better. You're a prisoner. You must plan and execute your escape, and you mustn't give him clues. You're not (yet) a complete prisoner, because you have your career. That must be getting harder and harder for you, with all the fear & anxiety you suffer at home. Your employers evidently value you highly. Is there no employee medical service, no sponsor, no interested boss, who might help you? Please have a think about it. It's very imortant that you realise your husband cannot dominate your life, if you don't let him. Look around you, notice any open doors & windows! Go to see your sister, please.

Thinking of you.

Hi EC,

I have read all the posts and I'd like to encourage you to get out of the situation. I was once in a situation very similar to the one you describe.

Where are you at the moment? And where is home? Of course I understand if you wish to stay anonymous.

If I were you I'd deal with one thing at a time. Make a list - resign from job, get released from housing responsibility, pay off what you can afford to from the car, rehome the cat... I'm sure you could be 'out' within a month tops depending only on your notice period.

You're not much older than me so perhaps going home to your parents is an option? If not, do you have any friends at home you could stay with? I know it may feel like giving up 'everything' but what good is a car and cat when you are so unhappy you are cutting yourself? Surely it'd be better to be home with no money or job and a chance to start a new, happy life?

Every second you waste unhappy is a second you'll never get back. The sooner you leave, the sooner you will be closer to being happy.

The cutting IS significant, even if you've only done it twice in a year. To get to the point where you can cut yourself, you must have a lot of emotional turmoil going on inside already. Things can be 1000 times better!

Thinking of you! I'd be happy to give you my email address if you'd like to chat privately x

Hello Eternalcynic

With the might of Mumsnet behind you you will get free you know. Even if it takes time to plan and execute, once the scales have dropped from your eyes you won't tolerate this situation.

Every time your DH is kicking off and trying to put you down imagine a tiny Anyfucker or Dittany on your shoulder giving you a balanced response reminding you how decent people behave and how much better you deserve to be treated.

Have you thought about skyping your lovely sister and talking to her about what is happening? Maybe making it real and enlisting her help would get you closer to escaping. All the reasons why you can't just get on a plane are hurdles to jump over, one at a time, until you are free.

After all you managed to leave home and get out there and set up your life, so you know you are capable and resourceful enough to do it in reverse.

The moment when you shut your own front door and lock out the world (except the cat maybe!)will be a magical one. Focus on that and the rest will follow!

Eternalcynic - as someone much older than you, without a career (lost it due to difficulties), and had children too - NOW, will be a better time to get out of this relationship. You have a career currently which will make you independent back home and a family who can give you the support you need to recover and get your confidence back.

So - you have a job? House is in your name as rented through your company? Car loan in your name although car in his name?

OK. Either transfer car to your name OR (preferably) car loan to him.

Then tell him you want him to leave.

YOU have a house.
He doesn't.
You have a job.
Without him dragging you down presumably you will feel better about yourself ultimately.

Any of that an option?

It will also wear you down more and more to always have to try to control your emotions because they are not 'acceptable' and will not be 'tolerated' by him. Yes. It makes you angry and very frustrated. Of course it does - having your feelings ignored, not tolerated, dismissed. Does he also actively never say/behave in a way to enable you to feel better - eg. keep you wondering/worrying what is the real story with him?

"I just feel scared. I couldn't leave if I wanted to. I can't get out of this debt any time soon (it's in my name), I owe my company money for my house (long story but it's the way of the world here). I don't have the money to pay all that back in one go, never mind to be able to fund getting home."

I am guessing from this that EC is in a country where it is physically impossible to leave if you have debt.

What do you want to happen EC? If it's money problems preventing you leaving is there anyone who could help you by lending you enough to enable you to return home? You are young. you will find a job / get back on your feet somehow. you need to prioritise you own needs.

Somebody posted that, in most countries with this rule, you can leave if your payments are up-to-date and you have a return ticket.

Lenders always threaten to pursue debt internationally but, in practise, this is so complicated & expensive it's only done where the debts run to many millions of dollars.

Presumably, running away from the house loan would spoil your chances of further employment within that company. Your skills are probably very transferable. Or, if you wanted a completely fresh start, you could so something like look for a live-in catering job back here, then find your new feet whilst you reconsider your future options. (I did this, incidentally, then got sponsorship for a degree in a different field. I was 24.)

You need to get out now. If you have children, you will find it very very hard to leave. Could your family not lend you some money in the short term to pay off your debts? Would they be supportive of you? One of them needs to know your situation.

OP, you CAN get out, and you should. I know exactly how you feel about things keeping you there etc but there is always a way. Suppose you stay and get pregnant? Then how trapped would you be? I am living proof that escape is possible, as are lots and lots of women on here. I left with 3 children and nowhere to go. I was effectively homeless, no house, no car, no job and no money. But I knew nobody would see me and the children homeless and hungry.
I threw myself on the mercy of the local councils, government etc. I took whatever help was offered (and there is a lot of help there). We now have a home, the children are settled, we no longer have to look over our shoulders in case the abusive ex is there, we have changed our names and I am embarking on a new career.
My point is, if I can do it with 3 children, you can do it with just yourself.
Is he British OP? Can the British Embassy not help you? You are experiencing domestic abuse, and they should be able to help you.
Buy your ticket, by hook or by crook. Take what you need and get the hell out of there. Sort out practicalities later.