What the hell is going on? Am I complete fool??!

[EternalCynic]

DH has gone out yet again with his new friends whom I have never met. Yet again, he does not answer the phone when I call (which is not often by the way, I have called three times since he left 4 hours ago). Normally he would call me to see how I'm doing...to just generally be courteous. Now, nothing. He started a new job recently and his colleagues are, shall we say, young and disgustingly gorgeous for the most part. He is also gorgeous, and 28. I'm fat, knackered from work all the time, and just generally look like shit. I feel a big part of why I look shit is how he has been treating me. I just look miserable all the time, and it makes me feel and look ugly.

Is he cheating on me? He refuses to let me meet these supposedly male friends/colleagues. Last time he went out with them, when he got home I asked who had showed up and he named about 5 men. Then a load of pictures showed up on Facebook - I looked at one and it had a woman in it. He said "oh yes, so-and-so was there too, but no one else". I click onto the next photo, lo and behold there are three women posing hanging off our car door. As usual, when i got pissed off he turned it all around and got in a stinking mood with me, and just clammed up.

If I ever 'dare' to get angry, he just gets angrier. People NEED to be allowed to be angry sometimes - I feel so....so....AGH! I have to walk on eggshells and accept this kind of shit, and God only knows what else, for fear of him flipping out again. I have been trying to live thinking 'ignorance is bliss', and that it's best for me to just glaze over anything that upsets me and get on with things for the sake of a quiet, tolerably happy life.

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I am away from my family, I only really have one good friend, I live in a bizarre country where it's not as easy as 'pack a bag and get on the train' etc.

I do love him. And sometimes I feel I have moments of clarity where I think that I am hugely overreacting, due to my horrible lack of trust in any man (father issues, the usual)...but they are rare.

Am I paranoid? Am I ruining this relationship myself? Or is he betraying my trust? I feel like I'm going mad.

Oh and I started cutting myself again recently. Haven't done it in years but the pain and anger just built up to such a level, and I lost it. He wasn't here, not that he was bothered at all when he saw what I'd done (save "why on earth did you do that?!"...no shock, worry or anything).

Sorry...I just have no one to talk to, and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm 25 for God's sake, I feel like I'm losing my life.

This is the same kind of trivialisation of feelings and perceptions and tossing blame back on her that EternalCynic is experiencing from her H, Lollipop.

All i was saying was that we dont really have enough information to make a call that can effect the ops life the first reply to her thread was "leave him" isent that abit hasty without further information? Theres no proof the guy cheated (yet) and the OP stated she had been self harming and by the sounds of it this has happened before she met her partner or he was not aware she had done it before "why on earth did you do that?!" and i was saying that she should get help with that and should try speaking with her partner. So im not trying to trivialise her feelings im trying to get more info so people can give informed advice.

lollipop, I don't think it was the general message from your post that was the problem, tbh

it was the "advice from damaged goods" statement

what a fucking horrible thing to say about women who are trying to help and can actually empathise because they have been through something similar

you could have made your point without being so dismissive of other's bad experiences

Good posts lollipop.

I read the damaged goods as people who have been so hurt by some males int he past they have lost all sense of perspective.

That first response showed no empathy at all.

Oh come off it, Footlong! I realise you & I live on different planets, but even on yours - what would you think about a husband who tells his wife he was going out with half a dozen male friends, then gets angry when his photos reveal he'd omitted to mention half-a-dozen female friends (whom the woman doesn't know) and they were in his car? Rather absent-minded of him, don't you think?

OP: Don't know if you'll get this, but a well-travelled friend of mine used to refer to the young men of a certain country as "Omanists". (Onanist is the proper word for "wanker" )

Yes rather absent minded of him... or he was scared of the over reaction of his self harming partner and decided it wasnt worth the grief.

Neither of which are remotely close to deserving the advice of 'Leave him'.

The self harming is a completely separate issue to everything else that's going on. For most (but I'm not saying all) self harmers, it's a way of dealing with extreme emotion ie 'normal' coping methods haven't been developed. Often it's a way of punishing yourself for feeling that emotion in the first place.

My point is that the self harming instinct won't just go away if you ignore it (and as you know it's pretty addictive). It's really worth seeking help now. Easier said than done of course (speaking as someone who has been going with the 'ignore' method for the last 7 years!).

On the jealousy/cheating question. I think you need to take a good hard look at yourself. It is possible he's cheating but you haven't seen anything to prove it. It's also possible he didn't tell you in a misguided attempt to avoid an argument. Only you can really work out whether it's one or the other or both. 3 calls in four hours is a lot!

In what way does omission of the truth show any respect for EternalCynic or for their relationship? In what way does it contribute to EternalCynics' feelings of being lied to, and her suspicions? How is doing things behind a partner's back going to contribute anything positive to the relationship? When facts are revealed in dribs and drabs it is natural to have suspicions and to feel that someone is trying to pull the wool over your eyes. This is not conducive to a solid, strong relationship.

Both parties have a responsibility where trust is concerned. If someone wants to be trusted then he needs to behave in a trustworthy manner and not hide things. It's not up to one party in a relationship to basically get over herself while the other goes ahead and does whatever he wants because of cowardice or because he's a fundamentally dishonest person or whatever his reasons may be.

If you don't have kids then why don't you go out with friends as well? I actually think that 3 calls in 4 hours is excessive. I would hate it if dh did that.

I agree with the posters who have said to concentrate on getting your own life better as far as getting in shape, seeing a counsellor about the self-harming and then take a good look at what your relationship really is.

I would like to clarify that I only recommended counselling & exercise as coping strategies, EternalCynic having said she cannot leave the country & has no support there. The emotional abandonment she expressed is a serious threat to her health; she came across as too vulnerable to face the issues head-on, therefore it's crucial that she focuses on her own well-being to gain strength.

I'm sickened by the continued emphasis on her vulnerability as some sort of failing, which so many posters seem to feel justifies her partner's lies, put-downs & dismissal. Would you be responding this way if she'd said she was having chemo for cancer, instead of self-harming?
I'd refer you back to the post by pinemartina, who is both a mental health professional and personally experienced.

bedubabe, I'm sorry you're having to deal with self-harm as well. You wrote: Often it's a way of punishing yourself for feeling that emotion in the first place. I completely agree. May I gently suggest that the fear of the emotion is the problem? In the OP's case, she's having difficulty accepting that her partner, whom she loves, is treating her badly. This is so common in 'lopsided' relationships, it's fair to call it normal. Obviously, the emotion won't go away because it is perfectly valid. Therefore she needs to handle the situation not the symptom, which is her cutting.

You are 25yrs old with no other dependents.
Whether he is cheating or not is irrispective, this relationship is to destructive to you for you to let it carry on. You have a whole life ahead of you dont waste anymore time on this . Get up and go, take whats yours and leave. No-one is worth more than yourself except perhaps when you have children, and thats a whole different ball game . You are worth more than this,cutting yourself tells you what level this situation is to you. We all make bad investments in life, the lesson is learn and move on. Life is too short and goes way too quick, there is so much more out there, go find it.xx {smile}

I would think that it was time to get out; it's not protecting you or helping you, no matter how he tries to dress it up. Wouldn't you have preferred him to say "there's a bunch of us from work doing this, there'll be other women there, but don't worry, none of them are a patch on you". Personally, I'd find that more helpful and reassuring.

sorry, pinemartina's post was on another thread

It takes a cruel individual to play mind games with someone who is isolated and living away from her own country, and who has become so stressed that she self-harms.

Thanks for the replies. I had self harmed for years until I went to therapy and learned to stop. I hate to say it but it felt fabulous to have that feeling again when this all happened - some kind of control. I don't want to lay the blame entirely at DH's feet; I have my issues and I try to work through them. I just can't help feeling sometimes that he uses those issues to manipulate me - he calls me crazy any time we have an argument. We have an argument if I try to discuss anything negative in our relationship. He sees it as me 'blaming' him, which I honestly do not do - I approach things in a neutral way most of the time. If I ever cry or get upset he will mock me for it (in the context of us falling out, if I cry about anything not to do with him he is supportive).

Last night something similar happened. I don't want to go into detail, but I feel there are certain things I have to do to keep the peace. Most of the time he is very loving and warm, but sometimes he can be so empty and cold towards me, I find it frightening. And I think he does it on purpose.

The phone calls are bothering you guys :) I don't call him constantly - he had told me he would give me a call when he reached his destination. He always does this - it isn't something I started, it's just how we are. He didn't call so I called him, thinking maybe he didn't have phone credit (he never does). He didn't answer, and yes I got pissed off. the last time he didn't answer my calls it was because he was out with people who he'd lied about, and went somewhere quiet before calling me back so I wouldn't know. So this time I assumed it's the same - I still think that.

He has no reason to lie about hanging out with women - he has female friends and I'm not bothered about it, but I am bothered by him lying about it, and then seeing that they are very much 'his type'...I mean, connect the dots. If it was innocent, he knew I had had a shit day at work, he knew I wanted to go out with him but gave his apologies and said he'd already arranged a 'guys' night out'. So why, when it turns out that his friend brought a load of women along, why not think "hey maybe EternalCynic would like to come and join us". If you were sitting at home feeling bored, lonely etc. and your husband knew this, would you not be kind of hurt if he ignored the fact and didn't invite you?

Maybe I am too clingy or pathetic or whatever people think, I don't know.

This is pointless anyway because I'm not going to leave am I (no money, nowhere to go, and I'm not brave enough) and I can't talk to him. My health insurance doesn't cover counselling, hence why you kind people have to read my ramblings . I'm not being defeatist, just realistic. I just wish there was a way to make things the way they used to be. We were so happy, and he adored me. Then out of nowhere he doesn't seem to feel much for me anymore.

You don't have to submit to his sexual abuse of you either

I presume that is what you are referring to here... "Last night something similar happened. I don't want to go into detail, but I feel there are certain things I have to do to keep the peace. Most of the time he is very loving and warm, but sometimes he can be so empty and cold towards me, I find it frightening. And I think he does it on purpose."

What would he do if you refused to "keep the peace" ?

Thank you for taking the trouble to reply, EC :) Feel free to express as much as you want to here!

I'm worried about you. I presumed the same as SF about what you have to do to keep the peace, and am also concerned about what happens if you don't do it. Could you tell me, are there no women's projects in the country where you are? You work, so I assume women have rights - do you face a wall of social constraints outside the home, or are you fairly free to move around?

EC, he is abusing you. I hope you will find the strength somewhere to make your plans, and leave. You don't have to do it overnight, but taking small steps to disengage and try to build a life that doesn't include him will make you feel stronger and more in control.

If you can't afford counselling, can you at least do some reading for yourself? Try Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That ? And there is a lot of information online about abuse. Even being able to put a name on it and see it for what it is can be extremely helpful, as your own intuition, which has been ridiculed so much, will be validated by what you read.

You are not too clingy or pathetic, and you are right that he does it on purpose. You are right about this. He is cold and empty.

Don't know what I did there.. Book link here.

EC I've changed my opinion with your clarification in your last post. You need to get out and sorry for suggesting otherwise.

If you're in the sandpit I think you're in, there is a women's refuge. On the off chance you're in an oryx obsessed one there isn't but that's where I am. Also, is the debt you're talking about actually in your name? Even if it is, unless you've defaulted you can leave. You'll get banned from the country for life but probnot the bggest deal. Even if you have defaulted, they may not have put a travel ban on you

IGA no need for gentle suggestions :) I totally agree with you. My point was that treating the SH by removing the situation causing the emotion is very short termist. Given the extra points above, thus situation is bad enough that it needs to be dealt with anyway. However, in the long term, the same issues that lead to SH lead to a vulnerability that is more likely to lead to the bad situations.

OP - please don't read this as me saying it's your fault. It's not. People of the type you describe are more likely to pick on vulnerable people. Also, apologes for the background discussion. I doubt it's helping very much (I know I started it) and I'll stop now.

Here's a site you might like to read over to see if any of the descriptions fit your H. It helps to be able to see there's not much you can do to change him, and there was nothing you did or could have done to cause what he is doing or prevent it from happening. Many abusive men fit one or more of these profiles.

How did you end up so far from home initially?