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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will this make me feel any better?

77 replies

littlecritter · 07/10/2010 09:19

I'm about to explode. Going to dump all xp's belongings at his work in about 2 hours.

Kicked him out 3 months ago after discovery of ow at work who is also a family friend. Long story, dcs on both sides. X has been living in hotels and sleeping on the sofa since then. We talked about trying to work things out but he refuses to tell me the truth about the affair so it's a no go. I've bent over backwards to try and keep things fair and amicable. I want to move on. He says he can't find a flat. He hasn't even told his parents.

After another night on the sofa I've told him to get out today and I want no more contact. In the last couple of days I have found evidence that the affair did not end when he said it did. Today, I've found a 2nd phone in his suitcase. It is a Nokia 1650 which I believe is a cheap payg phone as opposed to being an old work one which is what he'll say if I confront him. I don't want to confront him. I just want him out, no contact at all.

Sooo... I'm going to load the rest of his belongings into my car including cricket bag and golf clubs and dump then in the reception of his workplace (a HUGE worldwide UK confectionary company). OW is a receptionist so it will be very uncomfortable for her too. Nobody at his work knows about their affair. Yet. He is terrified that it will become common knowledge.

Good idea?

OP posts:

tefal · 07/10/2010 09:22

I can understand why you are so hurt but doing that at work possibly isn't the best way forward.

You may feel better but it could cause him a lot of hassle at work. Don't get me wrong he's been an idiot but if he lost his job then it could have a financial impact on you too.

Can you take the stuff to his parents and leave it there?

corygal · 07/10/2010 09:23

Yes. Yes and yes. There's not much there you can regret - but silent/dignified dumping wd be way better than huffing about or saying something.

Keep it light and breezy....

Tippychoocks · 07/10/2010 09:23

Being sensible, probably not. Just because if children are involved and it gets nasty (or could he lose his job for shagging other staff members) then you'll all lose out. I agree with him going though. Could you afford to check it all in to a super-cheap travel-lodge - would you even have to pay then or would he have to? Then text him the whereabouts of all his crap?
But then I am a wuss and I am prepared to cheer you on if it's something you have to do

Hassled · 07/10/2010 09:25

I think dump all his stuff at his parents' house (assuming it's reasonably close) - don't do anything that will cause him to lose his job, because that will affect you and the DCs.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

LoveBeingInvitedToTheVIPSale · 07/10/2010 09:26

Depends on how you want to see things going forward. This will change how is is with you and possibly the kids. If you want to make a big horrible scene then go ahead, depends if you are bothered about everyone at his work then saying no wonder he had a affair shes bonkers. Personally I'd take everything to his parents, this will have a bigger impact on him, if he hasnt told them yet it's cause he knows theyll say hes a twat.

Original poster

littlecritter · 07/10/2010 09:30

His parents are elderly and he has little contact with them - his choice. We haven't seen them in months.

Quite frankly, I don't care about his job. Financially I am ok. He has debts coming out of his ears so I'm not expecting much financial support from him anyway.

I'm not going to shout or rant. I shall sit in reception, fanning myself with the love letter she wrote to him and tell him that I am about to unload his stuff from my car. Does he want it on the street or somewhere else. I can't wait!

OP posts:

JiggeryPopery · 07/10/2010 09:44

Oh please don't do this. You will look unhinged. This will look terrible in court when he brings it up against you, which he will.

Keep your dignity. Pile his stuff up in the hall and tell him tonight that he has to move it by Sunday night or you take it all to the dump/his parents/his mate.

Remember his woman has children too - if it goes tits up at work and she loses her job, it will affect them. Like your dcs, they are innocent parties and need protecting.

Original poster

littlecritter · 07/10/2010 10:01

How could he use it against me in court?

OP posts:

piratecat · 07/10/2010 10:07

you have every right to feel what you feel, BUT don't do it, you don't know what will happen.

You may end up being more upset than you think, end up rowing or it could escalate into something you don't foresee or need tbh.

Just leave the stuff outside your house. Keep your dignity.

MrsRhettButler · 07/10/2010 10:07

ummm, why should littlecritter be the one thinking about protecting her dc?

do it but do it calmly like you say..... in fact, don't tell him you are there until you've gone, it will be a scene that you don't want/need

just leave the stuff at reception and say who it is for

dignified · 07/10/2010 10:08

Courts arent interested in this sort of thing , its not illegal. Something similar once happened to me and i seriously considered dumping his stuff in the Ow front garden.

HappyWoman · 07/10/2010 10:17

I think just take the stuff to his work and leave it there - no big fuss just be polite and say you have been asked to leave it there.

His work will only need to know if he tells them - they probably suspect already anyway.

I would also ask him to leave you alone for a while and that whilst you will let him have access to dc you need a few days space - dont take his calls or emails and if you can involve his family so you dont appear to be unreasonable in this.

The more distance you can get from him at the moment the better.

Good luck

catinthehat2 · 07/10/2010 10:27

You will look like a complete twit.

For all the reasons everyone has said above.

Here's one for you - while you are off on your impulsive little drama, how are you goign to cope if OW/receptionist is off work today? If she sees you coming and moves into a back office? If security is called and you get chucked out? etc?

YOu need to sit and think this stuff through more effectively.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/10/2010 10:31

It's never a good idea to do this sort of thing. It makes you look mental and a complete loser. The only way to deal with an XP who has cheated is calm, smiling indifference - acting as though you are simply not bothered and have moved on helps you start to feel like you have already moved on.
So by all means bag up his belongings, put them in the hall and say that he needs to remove them by the end of the day/end of the week or you will dump them, but making a public scene is really not the way to go.

Original poster

littlecritter · 07/10/2010 10:33

When I first threw him out I took his stuff round to ow house actually. She didn't know that I knew about them. I asked her to look after his stuff for him as she had been such a good friend to the family and we were going through a rough patch . Then her husband found out so his stuff got chucked out again and he asked if he could bring it back. No wonderhe can't find anything .
It's all bagged up and in the my boot now.

Going to have a shower and make myself look utterly fabulous while I contemplate how to do this with maximum impact and minimal loss of my own dignity.

OP posts:

piprabbit · 07/10/2010 10:34

I like the idea of dumping it all in a cheap motel room for him to collect.

You could drop the key and room details into his work reception as well - more dignified than lugging boxes around while everyone looks on.

Mindovermatter · 07/10/2010 10:35

I say go for it, BUT in a dignified way, ie, don't cause a scene, just leave stuff at receiption, look her straight in the eye and say that this stuff is his and calmly walk away and get in your car and drive home.

By the way, you can't cut off contact with him, you have kids together, sorry but its not fair on them to deny them their Dad.

Original poster

littlecritter · 07/10/2010 10:35

The thing is I actually don't care if I look like a twit and normally I'm so reserved. This is just not like me. I hate scenes. But everyone has a breaking point.

OP posts:

Original poster

littlecritter · 07/10/2010 10:37

No I would never stop him seeing his ds. That is not an option. I would never go down that road, I promise.

OP posts:

Original poster

littlecritter · 07/10/2010 10:38

How about I go down to his work and say everything is in the car, what do you want me to do with it?

OP posts:

FallingWithStyle · 07/10/2010 10:39

Yeah, sorry - you'll just look like a Crazy Lady.

Then he'll get to play the poor put-upon fella who was driven to the arms of another woman by his over-bearing, deranged and unhinged wife.

The ow will LOVE it.

Please dont do it, you will be doing yourself a huge disservice.

piprabbit · 07/10/2010 10:42

Still prefer the motel option...especially if you can bill it to him.

Mindovermatter · 07/10/2010 10:43

Hmmn, he will just say or do whatever to stop you causing a scene, and frankly you will feel better. If your not leaving stuff at work then say to him it will be left in garden or something. Im guessing you want him to get the message that you want him out of YOUR house and YOUR life?!!! I totally get that you want to move on.

FallingWithStyle · 07/10/2010 10:44

Look, getting rid of his stuff - good thing.
No more having him on your sofa - good thing.
But dont get it mixed up with some act of drama to try to humiliate him or the OW. It really will only be you who is humiliated - his colleagues loyalty will lie with him and he'll have every day from now on to tell them how awful you are and how causng a big scene is just so typical of you and how you pretty much drove him to have an affair.

Dump the stuff at his parents.

SheWillBeLoved · 07/10/2010 10:52

Agree with FallingWithStyle.

You'll have the last laugh, just save it, and don't use it up on this dramatic but rather pointless and silly scene.

No one will think badly of him for you dumping his stuff, they'll more than likely pity him and offer him their sofa once he spins them his sob story. Is that the result you want?

Leave his stuff in the back of your car, tell him it will be unlocked for an hour after 5pm, and if he wants it, then to come and get it as he won't have another chance to. Tell him not to bother calling, or knocking at the front door as it will be locked, and for the sake of your DS to do it as discreetly as he can.

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