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Original poster

Will this make me feel any better?

77 replies

littlecritter · 07/10/2010 09:19

I'm about to explode. Going to dump all xp's belongings at his work in about 2 hours.

Kicked him out 3 months ago after discovery of ow at work who is also a family friend. Long story, dcs on both sides. X has been living in hotels and sleeping on the sofa since then. We talked about trying to work things out but he refuses to tell me the truth about the affair so it's a no go. I've bent over backwards to try and keep things fair and amicable. I want to move on. He says he can't find a flat. He hasn't even told his parents.

After another night on the sofa I've told him to get out today and I want no more contact. In the last couple of days I have found evidence that the affair did not end when he said it did. Today, I've found a 2nd phone in his suitcase. It is a Nokia 1650 which I believe is a cheap payg phone as opposed to being an old work one which is what he'll say if I confront him. I don't want to confront him. I just want him out, no contact at all.

Sooo... I'm going to load the rest of his belongings into my car including cricket bag and golf clubs and dump then in the reception of his workplace (a HUGE worldwide UK confectionary company). OW is a receptionist so it will be very uncomfortable for her too. Nobody at his work knows about their affair. Yet. He is terrified that it will become common knowledge.

Good idea?

OP posts:
Original poster
littlecritter · 07/10/2010 10:52

Yes. You are right. Dumping at his work is a bad thing.

The details of the affair are awful. OW started turning up to pick ds up from activities and they had my older ds giving them lifts. Then she started moving in on my dd lavishing her with gifts. When we went on holiday last year she turned up at the same resort! She tried to steal my life. She has a long history of mental illness and they are sending me mad now.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlecritter · 07/10/2010 10:55

Shewillbeloved - I dearly wish he would find someone else's sofa to sllep on. It would be worth it for that alone. You have no idea how messed up my head is.

OP posts:
justwaitaminute · 07/10/2010 10:58

I don't think you should do it, I completely understand why you want to though. I think you'll regret it if you do, it will make you look a bit mad and also if the OW is there do you think you could hold it together?

Why not tell him he has until 6pm or whenever suits you to pick it up otherwise its going in the bin/charity shop, or even better ebay the lot

eldritch · 07/10/2010 10:59

I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be horrible for you. However, please don't dump his stuff at his workplace - I did something similar (albeit not quite so dramatic) a few years ago and really regret it! I cringe every time I think of it and in the end it only hurt me. Dignity is the way to go.

teaandcakeplease · 07/10/2010 10:59

I like the idea of dropping it all in a motel LC and delivering a key to his work Smile

Knowing your back story I can completely understand why you've got to this point. If you really do want to drop it at his work and no where else I would suggest you do it like mindovermatter says: "I say go for it, BUT in a dignified way, ie, don't cause a scene, just leave stuff at receiption, look her straight in the eye and say that this stuff is his and calmly walk away and get in your car and drive home."

I think even if he hasn't spoken to his parents for quite sometime it may not be a bad idea dropping it there tbh LC. It would be good for them to finally know the truth. Take a deep breath and make sure you choose the right option, not the heat of the moment one instead but I do truly understand why you've reached this point and I cannot blame you for feeling like this x

piratecat · 07/10/2010 11:01

she turned up at the same resort you went to on holiday Shock

bloody hell poor you.

Original poster
littlecritter · 07/10/2010 11:03

I need to make him understand that he has to go away and leave me alone. There is always some excuse to come back here. He plays on the sympathy vote with complete disregard for my feelings. I'm being trampled on when he's already floored me.

Just seeing his stuff around the house or even knowing it is in the garage is too much. My head is thumping.

OP posts:
FrogInAJacuzzi · 07/10/2010 11:05

My heart goes out to you LC. I have a fiery temper and have sometimes done things in the heat of the moment that I regret later.
As much as your pathetic XP deserves to be publically outed, you will more than likely regret doing this when your anger fades away.

It's so tempting when the red mist descends to go with the grand gesture, but make a promise to yourself to do nothing today. Think about it again tomorrow. Get the bags out of the house, into the garage or the shed or even in the wheelie bin, then you don't have to see his crap littering up your house. Maybe take one bag and literally dump it at the dump, if you absolutely feel that you have to do something.

Flighttattendant · 07/10/2010 11:05

You will feel SO bad if you do this - you'll seriously feel like crap afterwards.

It isn't worth it.

He probably has a key to your place, right? You need to do this in a dignified way. You ask him for the keys back. If he refuses, then you look at other options. I think an ultimatum is a good way to go. But don't do this.

Original poster
littlecritter · 07/10/2010 11:05

Piratecat - yes and with her H and DD. it was a longhaul destination too.

No matter how mad I might look doing this this I'll never be in her league Grin.

OP posts:
teaandcakeplease · 07/10/2010 11:06

You've been in limbo land waiting for him to move out and give you space for a long time now LC, it is impossible to move on with your life and heal and have the head space necessary to do so whilst he lives with you still and doesn't accept that it is truly over, as I really do not think he has, I think he thinks you'll change your mind or something, he's certainly in denial. I'm so sorry LC Sad

Flighttattendant · 07/10/2010 11:07

'I need to make him understand that he has to go away and leave me alone. There is always some excuse to come back here. He plays on the sympathy vote with complete disregard for my feelings. I'm being trampled on when he's already floored me.'

It sounds as though the only person who can put a stop to his getting away with this nonsense is you.

He's manipulative and taking advantage of you. Nobody can do this without your allowing them to.

So, calm down, take stock - whose place is it/ Yours. He has no rights. If you just stand firm he can't do anything.

I believe you can have him removed by the police if he refuses to leave your property.

Flighttattendant · 07/10/2010 11:08

And change the locks.

Your plan about dumping his stuff at work is only going to make things worse in every way.

Original poster
littlecritter · 07/10/2010 11:09

I like the hotel option too but if I book it on my card and he never collects the stuff I might get a very big bill Shock.

I would love to get his house key from him. Psychologically that would be a huge boost for me.

I'm feeling calmer Smile.

OP posts:
PestoEatsPastiesandSurfboards · 07/10/2010 11:11

Ask for the keys back, but don't forget he could always retain copies so you really must change the locks asap.

Flighttattendant · 07/10/2010 11:11

What's stopping you?

Smile

He can't do anything, he only thinks he can. You hold all the cards.

pleasant, polite, a little patronising and totally in control is the way to go.

Original poster
littlecritter · 07/10/2010 11:12

The house is in joint names. In theory he is supposed to be getting a flat. He has agreed to do that but it just hasn't actually happened. He even asked me to go on the net to look for something for him. That was met by a sony silence, I can tell you.

OP posts:
teaandcakeplease · 07/10/2010 11:14

After 14 years together it can be hard to completely switch off any concern for him but I do think he's been counting on that and you not kicking him out. If you do it sure will focus his mind on finding somewhere Wink

I like Flights idea Smile

Bast · 07/10/2010 11:15

I put (philandering) x's stuff out for him to collect one evening. He didn't bother - thought I was calling his bluff. The next day was bin day.

Flighttattendant · 07/10/2010 11:18

If it's in joint names I'm not sure you're allowed to change the locks.

This is altogether more complicated.

Antidote · 07/10/2010 11:28

Instead of a motel/travelodge why not put his stuff into a storage company? Surely that has to be cheaper.

I don't know where in the country you are but round our way there are SafeStore (1st 6 weeks free) and BigYellowStorage all over the place.

You could pay for one week in cash, leaving them his work contact details and then leave the key & details at his work reception in an envelope in a dignified manner.

Original poster
littlecritter · 07/10/2010 11:33

Antidote - brilliant!!! That's the way to go. I'm in Brum so no shortage of storage places. I'm going to do it!

Bast, that made me laugh. First smile of the day. Onwards and upwards Grin.

OP posts:
piprabbit · 07/10/2010 11:38

Antidote is officially a genius.

So pleased you are smiling LC.

teaandcakeplease · 07/10/2010 11:41

Great stuff, you may need to take ID with you to set it up, so ring them beforehand to check what they need Smile Good luck x

Bast · 07/10/2010 11:43

Grin most things are more manageable with humour. Keep smiling! You're taking control, kudos to you x

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