Advice please - when your husband has become only your friend

[callitaday]

This is a bit of a long one, but I'm desperately needing advice. Have been with dp for 12 years, 4 of which we have been married. 1 ds aged 12. I met him quite
young (21) and we lived together and had ds within 3 years. To be honest, I always felt that things had moved a bit too quickly but recognise that far more now than I did at the time iyswim.

I could write about 'us' for hours, but I'll try and summarise it - dh is very supportive, loving and caring of me and our son. He is an extremely kind, nice person, who is very content with life and seems mainly to live with the purpose of making me happy. If I am honest, I have always felt that he loves me more than I love him. Over the last few years, we have had ups and downs - I suffered from depression a few years back which was a terrible strain on both of us - although I am completely better now. We both have quite stressful but enjoyable jobs and a busy life all in all. Another major event was the death of my very, very close friend 3 years ago - she was someone I looked up to very much, and who I felt 'guided' me to some extent and her death has affected me in many ways.

Throughout all of this, dh has been steady, reassuring, comforting and so on. Yet, I have never felt 100% that this was the 'right' place for me. However, I am somebody who gets on with things, and have often told myself off for being so ungrateful. How many other women have such a loving partner?

However, things are getting worse and worse for me. We've had a dreadful few months and some very serious talks where I have been honest about my doubts. Initially he was gutted, devastated that I was even questioning us, but now he has 'backed off' in the nicest possible way and is giving me time and space to breathe.

I feel that I have some extremely painful questions that I need to answer about myself but just can't do it. I have spoken to a couple of very close friends but its just so painful to admit it. Us splitting would affect so many people and I know that I wouldn't necessarily be happier (or perhaps I would, who knows?) but also know that sometimes, I'm not being 'me' with him.

There are also the obvious effects on our son and our families. There are so many questions going round my head? Is there something wrong with me? Why am I so scared to confront my gut feelings? Why do I not see him as a husband rather than a friend/brother? Perhaps many relationships are like this, and people never feel 100% that things are 'right'? Why do I feel like this when I know that practically, financially etc, life would be 100 times harder on my own? (I know you should never stay with someone purely for that and I am financially independent, but why would I want to make life so much harder especially when we get on reasonably well?) Am I having some sort of early mid life crisis?! (I'm in my mid 30s).

The other complication is that I have also become attracted to somebody else - before you all think that this is the main reason - its not - I have not acted on it and do not intend to. But I do worry why I feel like this about someone other than dh.

IF we did split, my feeling is that I would need to be on my own for many months because I've been in a relationship for so long and I would obviously need to sort myself out. I would really appreciate it if anybody had any advice at all about this situation. We have had a few sessions of counselling and it came from this that I need to decide what I want and that I seem to be searching for something. Has anyone else been in this situation?

Hi,

You sound like you need to talk at length to someone other than your husband. Someone who will not judge you. A counsellor perhaps? There are outfits these days that offer telephone counselling or relate. Good luck.

Hi Callit
You are being very brave to address this. It is much easier to keep on doing the everyday stuff and running a home and ignoring that little voice that tells you something is wrong. Then one day you fall in love with the wrong person and all hell breaks loose.

Instead you are doing the right but difficult thing. You recognise you dont feel the way you should about DH. You need to make space for yourself to sort out why you have lost that loving feeling. Do you resent him? have you had to look after him? Does he pull his weight at home? have you given up too much to be a good wife?

All these questions will come out at counselling and help you decide if there is still something worth saving. But life is too short to be unhappy and your DS will pick up on that so you need to work out how to be a happy fulfilled mother to him.

Have been there and am still working on the solution. Good luck!

I really admire you. Speak to someone who can help you (together or on your own) make sense of this. If only my fuckwit husband had had the gumption to deal with the same situation I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now.

Realistically, relationships do change and do break up. But I think the way to emerge from this with your self respect intact is to approach it sensitively and with as much self awareness as you can muster. And give yourself and your husband time to work this through. The consequences of just leaving are simply devastating for those left behind.

Are you sure you're entirely over your depression callit? I've suffered badly from depression and during that time I questioned my relationship with DH, to the point where I wanted to divorce him. I am back to normal now, but from time to time I do seem gripped with those feelings of dissatisfaction that remind me of being depressed and I think, is this what I really want? I do think at least some of it is a hangover from the depression in the sense that once the feelings lift a bit I realise that they weren't entirely rational.

If you don't think the depression has a part to play in it all then I think the next step would be to examine what you want from your life. If what you have at the moment isn't right, what would be? Are you just a bit bored with your DH? Did you have many partners before you met him? Do you want to experience life a bit more, perhaps have the freedom to be with other men?

I think it's worth remembering that a good relationship is bloody difficult to find. Lots of couples go through "lulls" that can last for years. That's not to say things won't pick up again if you hang in there. Don't feel under pressure to have the perfect relationship or to feel madly in love because your husband does. It's ok to be a bit blase and not very interested, it's allowed! You've been honest with your DH and he's been hugely understanding so now you have the space to breathe for a bit, without making any huge decisions. You might find that once you stop pressurising yourself that your feelings for your DH blossom again.

Thank you all.

You are all so kind - I expected an ear bashing about being ungrateful for all that I have!

I know what you mean about ignoring that nagging feeling, I think deep down, its been there for a long long time but I don't know why. We did meet and settle down when I was very young - I know its not his fault of course, but I guess I do feel resentful that I lost a large part of my 'freedom' when we got together. He pulls his weight at home and treats me with nothing but complete respect.

I didn't have many partners before him and, without sounding arrogant, do tend to attract men when I'm out with friends, I'm a naturally chatty person who enjoys a good, thoughtful conversation and can engage with different people on different levels. However, over the years, I haven't ever taken anyone up on anything and haven't particularly wanted to.

The fact that I am attracted to somebody else now (and have been for quite a while) is obviously a factor. For various reasons, I know that nothing would ever come of this, and, as I said above, I wouldn't dream of coming out of my marriage to another relationship - but just the fact that I feel like this and knowing that its an emotional/intelligence attraction (rather than just wanting a quick shag with someone!) makes it a whole lot harder to get my head around. I can't help wondering whether this current attraction is some sort of catalyst?

I just wanted to say, callitaday, that I could have wrote your post.

No advice, as I am going through the exact same thing myself, but I know how hard it is.

I'm sorry to hear that lilypickle, how long have you felt like this?

I think it's totally normal to be attracted to other people, and there's no harm with appreciating attention from other men. That doesn't necessarily mean that your current relationship is wrong, it just means you're a lovely, sexy, intelligent woman!

Have you and your DH tried to spice things up a bit between you? Tried to get the old spark back?

Have never posted on MN before - always been a reader, rather than a writer! But I felt I had to post here today, if only to offer my sympathies to you callitaday (and LilyPickle), as I too could've written your post. I recognised sooooooo much of what you said. Am slightly further down the line with things, in that DP has moved out (at my request) in order to 'give us space', but boy, my head's still very mashed about the whole situation. There are certainly no easy answers, that's for sure...

Well at least you've taken some sort of action CheesyPuff. Was your dh shocked? Another major factor in my situation is that I absolutely can't stand the fact that I'm hurting my dh so much. As I said before, initally he was devastated when all of this stuff was discussed. Since then he's kind of picked himself up, brushed himself down, and, being the lovely person that he is, given me space whilst still being there to support me. Sometimes its tricky and stifling being under the same roof but not too bad.

Its just so weird - I was driving home from work tonight, and actually wondering what it must be like to love someone as much as he loves me. I know he would do anything for me - don't get me wrong, he's not a doormat and has his own life and hobbies - but he fundamentally feels that as long as I'm happy, he is too. I feel like a big, selfish idiot.

OMG, your DH and my DP sound like they could be the same person! DP is a lovely, kind, steady, generous, hard-working, supportive, loving man - in short, the ideal man that I should want to spend the rest of my life with. I must be absolutely mad to be even considering a life apart from him, right?? He is also the most amazing, wonderful father to our 4 year old DS. I really couldn't ask for anything more.

Yes, he was initially floored when we started getting down to the nitty-gritty of how I was feeling, but tbh, the discussions had been going on every few months for so many years that I guess when the final crunch came, he wasn't shocked. It's difficult to know though, as he plays his cards pretty close to his chest and doesn't like to 'burden' me with his worries (add 'considerate' and 'stoic' to his list of attributes!). Maybe he thought that we would just do our usual thing of me bringing the issue up, having a chat/row about things and then him burying his head in the sand, hoping it would all blow over and that I would just be happy with our life together. I'd played things around and around in my head so many times for such a long time, as I was sure I was being stupid, crazy and downright selfish. The thought of making the final 'push' (it was always, always, always me (and still is) me that had to bring up the difficulties in our relationship for discusssion) and of depriving him of precious time with his son was absolutely crippling. The guilt I felt was tremendous - I still don't know where I actually found the 'courage' (perhaps the wrong word, as I certainly feel anything but). But, like your DH, he took it all on the chin like a complete gentleman and soldiered on in his own dignified way. When the arrangements for him to move out were finally in place and reality began to hit home that things were really happening, I was so upset (it's not that I don't love him any more, and he's such a wonderful guy for goodness sake - aaaaggghhh!) and he was so supportive and concerned for me (????!!). But that's just a great example of the kind of man he is.

I know you said you got together with DH when you were quite young, but had you experienced love with anyone before him? I had a serious boyfriend in my late teens/early twenties that I loved in the same way that he loved me (I guess if I'm being truly honest, I, like you, have always known that DP's feelings for me have always been stronger - and 100% unconditional, even with all my faults!). Unrealistic, ridiculous maybe, but I've never forgotten the way I used to feel about that previous guy, and the way I think/know that I should feel about DP... but that's a whole other story!!

Callitaday, I have had many of the feelings as described in your post and have suffered depression

I know this will probably sound wierd!!

When my husband works away which he does occassionally I think about how I would feel if he wasn't here with me ever again!! If I never saw him again, it is then I realise how much I love him, how much I am in love with him.

I am not trying to make light of your situation/your feelings but sometimes we don't realise what we truly feel until it's to late!!

God cheesypuff, they do sound so similiar!

When you were so upset when he actually left, how did you have the strength to go through with it? What did you tell other people? I know it doesn't matter about anybody else, but I'm just curious!

Strangely enough, I was in a relationship with a man from 17 to 20. Okay, I was extremely young and stupid and actually, he treated me like shit, but god, I absolutely loved him. Don't get me wrong - I eventually saw that even though I loved him, he was bad for me and moved on. Although, saying that, when I met dh a few months later, who is everything your dh is, there was a small part of me that knew he was 'safe'.

Its interesting that you say you still knew you loved or still love your dh even when he was moving out. But what kind of love was it? I feel that I love dh, but as a friend/companion etc. I'm also finding it hard to be sexually intimate (although have to say that dh, as usual is completely understanding) as it feels like I'm kissing my best friend. I can hug him and thats fine, but not actual intimate kissing or anything else.

The thought of breaking up our son's home is also crippling me. He has a fantastic relationship with our son, and I know he would still continue to do so, but how can I make that decision? It would be so much easier if he felt how I did........

I feel exactly as you do callitaday, "it would be so much easier if he felt how I did".

As silly as it sounds, the only way I could cope with him actually leaving was to almost 'pretend' he was just going off to work as normal. I'd already asked DP if we could keep things as low-key and as simple as possible (for his benefit as well). I don't know how either of us would've dealt with a long, emotional goodbye. I suppose also there was 'comfort/security' in knowing that his moving away anywhere was never going to be a permanent goodbye because of our son.

The strength to make the final push came after many years of soul-searching and ups and downs. It was never going to be a clear-cut, painless decision. If only. I guess it was when we were having the same discussion/row yet again for the umpteenth time that I pushed him that we (I?) really did need to try some time apart. The guilt, the regret, the confusion were still there in bucketloads, but the frustration at our situation finally won I suppose. Being honest with myself, let alone anyone else, has been incredibly painful. But there has been a nagging, gut feeling going on inside me for a long time.

I'd discussed things with a couple of close friends, gradually letting my feelings and worries out little by little. They've been great and very supportive. But they're the only ones who know at the moment. I guess we've both been delaying the inevitable of telling family on the premise that it was (was/is?) a trial separation that family need know nothing about in the event of us getting back together??

And yep, the love I feel for DP is as a friend/brother. One of the things I used to berate myself about during my times of playing things over in my mind is that it must be entirely normal to feel that way about someone after 13 years together. But it's not that I was expecting fireworks every time I saw him or anything - I just knew that there should be 'something else', 'something more' going on. Something was missing I guess. And like you, I had subconciously chosen a 'safe' partner that I knew would give me all the security I could ever want... but perhaps not that little 'spark' to carry us through decades and decades of life together...

Hi, my thoughts are - and of course, they are just my thoughts, probably not relevant, but here they are anyway.

I fell in love with my husband, with all of me, twas wonderful and magical and amazing. I have no doubt that I love my husband and that our relationship is as good as it gets but we're not always in love. It see-saws depending on whats happening in our lives.

I think when I am unhappy I tend to blame my husband, or at least I used to, I really try not to now. It was easier to blame him than to take responsibility for my own happiness. I have gone through periods where I've thought like you and analysed things relentlessly and it has got me nowhere.

I think the whole question about "how much do I love you, or do you love me, what kind of love is this" - that whole game is just a little bit pointless when it comes to long term family partnerships. I think the question has to move on to something along the lines of - how can I make this relationship the best I possibly can. Concentrating on what is missing - makes what is missing seem bigger than it actually is.

Try to stop thinking about all of the negative things in your relationship - I know it sounds silly, but its actually quite hard to do.

If you suffer from depression periodically there is a likelihood that you tend to dwell on the negative. Perhaps a good counsellor could help.

It is rubbish when all of these endless circular questions run around your head. Its finding a way to see that they are just wasting time, precious time which you can't get back.

Ok, I am not very good at writing my thoughts down, but I will try. My first thought is do u maybe slightly resent you dh for being so nice? Maybe you do feel like he's a bit to understanding as in there's no challenge there for you and he's totally under your thumb which makes you lack respect for him?

Another thing I was wondering was do you set out romantic time for each other? Maybe you could rediscover him, revisit the time when you fell in love with him. Sometimes everyday life can suffocate relationships, go out together for a lovely meal together with candles, talk and laugh and see if you can begin to reignite any romantic feelings for him?

Do you still find him attractive?

I haven't got personal experience of your situation but a male friend is in the same situation. He has decided to stay with his DW and the DC at least until the kids are older, as they are both still little. I can't say that he seems terribly happy, and he seems to put all his time and energies into working rather than being around his family.

Is that very fair on anyone - on his family or on himself? I don't know - it's not an easy situation to be in. Obviously you have the right to have a happy and complete marriage, but think about your DH also.
Would it be fair on him when he knows that you don't love him in the way that a wife should and isn't interested in having sex or being intimate with him? Doesn't he also deserve to have someone who will love him as he loves you now?
Your DS will cope if you separate - you seem like a very sensible, thoughtful person and your DH also. You'd be good co-parents and probably remain as good friends.

From one of your posts, you mention that you came out of a serious relationship and within months had started seeing your now DH. Possibly this was your rebound relationship that never ended. If you can think back to the time when you were first together, do you remember being really in love? Or did you just reach a point when you realised you did love him? Was there ever a spark or real chemistry between you? Equally important, did you really feel that you were compatible on an intellectual and emotional level? These things become more important over time if the relationship is going to last.

If these things were always missing then it's unlikely that you will be able to rekindle what was never there.

Froginjacuzzi , those are interesting questions. I have thought about them and know that I reached a point where I realised I loved him. In many ways I believe we are compatible. Intellectually,(and he would agree with this) I am far more academic and he is more practical. I don't think we are entirely compatible intellectually, not because he isn't intelligent, but just because his intelligence is logical and objective, whereas I am an arty/literature type person. He has commented that he doesn't feel that he's enough for me intellectually.

I wouldn't say there has ever been a massive spark between us, but, there has been so many other things such as friendship, sharing, etc.

I think a lot of people go along in relationships like yours until someone else comes along and it makes them realise what they are missing.

I suppose there's nothing wrong with having a marriage based mostly on mutual respect, friendship and caring as long as that is enough for both partners. It doesn't sound as if it is enough for you though. At some point your unhappiness is going to spill over and possibly cause resentment, anger, bitterness and you might even find yourself becoming depressed again.

From what you say, it seems like an important part is missing in your relationship - that you can't completely relax and be yourself. I don't know if I believe in the whole soulmates malarky but I think there are some people who just "get" you. For me, that's really an important part of what makes the marital relationship so special and different from just a friendship.

The intimacy issues you have may be because you are feeling emotionally disconnected, so in time you might find you want him physically again. I don't know how great your sex-life was before. I just know from personal experience that sexual issues in a marriage can quickly become a real deal-breaker. You end up in a catch-22: feeling rejected, and so more emotionally distant from each other, and the emotional distance making it harder to connect physically and so on. Your DH is being really understanding with this, I have to say.

Would your circumstances allow for a trial separation? This may help you clarify your thinking. I would also suggest, but not from a judgey viewpoint, that you limit or preferably cut off contact if possible from the person you feel the attraction for, purely for the purposes of keeping a very clear head about all of this.
Also Relate can help - I have used the online counselling and found it helpful to be able to put in all down in writing.

I don't know if this is any help, but I have had about 3 relationships like this in the past (very nice men who were a lot more in love with me than I was in love with them). I could have been 'happy' with any one of them, however I am quite ruthless and easily bored, and I just got bored with them and dumped 2, the third dumped me (very nicely).
Oddly enough (or perhaps not), I am still on good friendly terms with all 3 and the wives of the two who are married.
Did you ever feel much lust towards your husband? Or was it a case of thinking, on some level, that you ought to be grateful and accepting of such a 'wonderful' man and that the lust was unimportant, because women really need a Good Man (this is a myth by the way but one which is responsible for a lot of trouble).
So it is possible to end a relationship like this fairly amicably, and it;s not wrong to do so.

Solidgoldbrass, I'm not sure that I have ever felt much lust for him (although he is in fact, a very good looking bloke!). I have always had (or thought I had) a low sex drive. We have had periods in our relationship where things have improved, but normally, this is when we've both had a drink or two. We've then perhaps been a bit 'dirtier' and we've been quite 'rough' though not in a bad way. Thinking about it, I used to think that we could be like this because we were so comfortable with each other, but now I wonder whether it was the only way we could have sex ifyswim.

My attraction to someone else (and yes, I do fancy him/feel I would want to sleep with him) does worry me when I've kind of told myself that sex isn't a major part of my life for so many years. Dh loves it, but, due to being so nice, understanding, etc has rarely pressured me.

FroginaJacuzzi - trial separation does appeal, but I just worry so much about the effects on my son. If we did split and it was permanent then obviously our son would need to know, but a trial separation could be so damaging to him.

"So it is possible to end a relationship like this fairly amicably, and it;s not wrong to do so."

solidgoldbrass - I am so afraid to address this - I think I would feel like a failure, ungrateful etc, as dh does not want to split. How could I live with myself? Isn't it wrong to pursue solely what you want when it can have such devastating effects on those around you?

also meant to add - sorry! - that its so hard when I'm surrounded in real life by advice from friends. I'm lucky to have some very close friends, who have noticed that things are not right. I've discussed this with them, and the overwhelming concensus is that the grass certainly isn't greener and that I'd be giving up someone and something that I'm not likely to ever find again, ie, someone who loves me unconditionally.

But shouldn't that make me happy?

Thank you dogfish for being so honest.

Its the first time I've been told I'm acting like a bloke! I must sound like such a bitch, but I'm not - its hurting so much to think that I'm hurting him and may end up hurting him so much more in the future.

I don't think he could walk away from us, not at the moment anyway.