Advice please - when your husband has become only your friend

[callitaday]

This is a bit of a long one, but I'm desperately needing advice. Have been with dp for 12 years, 4 of which we have been married. 1 ds aged 12. I met him quite
young (21) and we lived together and had ds within 3 years. To be honest, I always felt that things had moved a bit too quickly but recognise that far more now than I did at the time iyswim.

I could write about 'us' for hours, but I'll try and summarise it - dh is very supportive, loving and caring of me and our son. He is an extremely kind, nice person, who is very content with life and seems mainly to live with the purpose of making me happy. If I am honest, I have always felt that he loves me more than I love him. Over the last few years, we have had ups and downs - I suffered from depression a few years back which was a terrible strain on both of us - although I am completely better now. We both have quite stressful but enjoyable jobs and a busy life all in all. Another major event was the death of my very, very close friend 3 years ago - she was someone I looked up to very much, and who I felt 'guided' me to some extent and her death has affected me in many ways.

Throughout all of this, dh has been steady, reassuring, comforting and so on. Yet, I have never felt 100% that this was the 'right' place for me. However, I am somebody who gets on with things, and have often told myself off for being so ungrateful. How many other women have such a loving partner?

However, things are getting worse and worse for me. We've had a dreadful few months and some very serious talks where I have been honest about my doubts. Initially he was gutted, devastated that I was even questioning us, but now he has 'backed off' in the nicest possible way and is giving me time and space to breathe.

I feel that I have some extremely painful questions that I need to answer about myself but just can't do it. I have spoken to a couple of very close friends but its just so painful to admit it. Us splitting would affect so many people and I know that I wouldn't necessarily be happier (or perhaps I would, who knows?) but also know that sometimes, I'm not being 'me' with him.

There are also the obvious effects on our son and our families. There are so many questions going round my head? Is there something wrong with me? Why am I so scared to confront my gut feelings? Why do I not see him as a husband rather than a friend/brother? Perhaps many relationships are like this, and people never feel 100% that things are 'right'? Why do I feel like this when I know that practically, financially etc, life would be 100 times harder on my own? (I know you should never stay with someone purely for that and I am financially independent, but why would I want to make life so much harder especially when we get on reasonably well?) Am I having some sort of early mid life crisis?! (I'm in my mid 30s).

The other complication is that I have also become attracted to somebody else - before you all think that this is the main reason - its not - I have not acted on it and do not intend to. But I do worry why I feel like this about someone other than dh.

IF we did split, my feeling is that I would need to be on my own for many months because I've been in a relationship for so long and I would obviously need to sort myself out. I would really appreciate it if anybody had any advice at all about this situation. We have had a few sessions of counselling and it came from this that I need to decide what I want and that I seem to be searching for something. Has anyone else been in this situation?

Hi Callitaday

I've read through your posts again and your situation is quite like one of my friend's situations.

She had her BIG love when she was younger, he was an arse but she was head over heals with him and he hurt her quite badly.

The partner she is with now was her next long term partner and I think she just wanted someone safe. He is nice enough and they are good friends/companions but the spark is not there and never has been. I've watched her become less of herself over the years. He doesn't "get" her at all. Myself and her other close friend take every opportunity we are ever given to encourage her to split up and find someone to fall in love with. 10 years later I don't think it will happen until she finds someone else.

The only reason I mention this is that your own Rl friends are not encouraging you to leave, they sound like they might be encouraging you to stay.

And the only reason I mention this is for you to consider whether or not this questioning is linked to your depression.

It really might be worth getting a good therapist to work through all of these circular questions. 12 years is a long time to be asking the same questions and not finding the answers.

On the whole notalways, they are encouraging me to stay beacause dh is such a good man to me. I know what you mean about the constant questioning and the depression. I haven't always been depressed - my life has been extremely busy over the last few years, what with pursuing career, bringing up our son and various other things - that sometimes I simply didn't have time to deeply consider all of this. I'm now in a very busy job and to be honest, this, combined with my questioning is starting to get me down. What if I stay? will I regret it? Would I regret leaving? Would I struggle alone? Would my son suffer? Would I look back in 20 years and wish I had done something, or, stayed where I was? Should I find something else to make me happy and learn to be content with dh?
I have had some counselling and the counsellor felt that I just had to know exactly what I wanted and go from there, but also to realise that good men are hard to find.

And during the busy time when you had no time to consider it deeply - how did you feel about your husband. When you are happy, how do you feel about your husband.

I do thnk that the idea you should basically sacrifice your life for everyone else's comfort and wellbeing is wrong. If one person in a realtionship/family is miserable but the others are content, that still doesn;'t make it right (particularly as it's nearly always women who are expected to just suck up unsatisfactory situations for everyone else's sake). No one is entitled to 'keep' a partner who doesnt want to be in the relationship any more, and just because one person feels massive amounts of love for the other does not oblige the other person to return it - though romantic love is pretty much always more on one side than the other.
It is worth taking your time and having some counselling to work out your options, and you may decide, having explored the possibilities with a counsellor, that you are happy 'enough' in this marriage to stick with it. Or you may decide that you can;t bear the thought of spending the rest of your life pretending you're happy when you're not. It;s a decision only you can make, but when you are adding up the pros and cons of everyone;s happiness, do remember that yours matters just as much.

Thank you notalways and solidgoldbrass.

notalways - during the busy time (I also suffered a major bereavement during this time), I felt that my dh was very supportive, my stability, although to a large extent, I do keep my emotions to myself and worked through alot of stuff on my own. During my happy times - god, thats hard - I still felt that I was not always being 'me' but, would always wake in the morning feeling safe and that things were okay and appreciating that I was with such a loving man.

solidgoldbrass - I understand what you are saying entirely. It would still rip me apart though to actually go through with a split, even thought we have discussed it. The irony is, that before things came to a head, it wasn't too bad because we kind of kept going along. Because we've started having these deep talks over a period of time, I've learned that dh seems to love me even more than I could have imagined, and that makes it even worse to contemplate breaking our family up.

When you say that you weren't always being "me" - can I ask who you see "me" being and why you don't think you can be "me" with your husband?

The only reason I ask is that I too have had that feeling in the past. I had many circular discussions with my husband and often said "but I just don't feel like I'm me, like I'm living my life". Looking back I was probably a bit depressed about a number of things. I also got stuck on the idea that all my unhappiness was linked to my relationship with my husband.

I see a lot of similarities in the questions your asking to the questions I asked myself.

Also, when your feeling unhappy or depressed you look back and see everything in a dark light.

notalways, thats a tricky one.

I'm not sure when I stopped being 'me'. I think to a small extent dh has always enjoyed looking after me - that sounds awful and suffocating I know - and actually, he's not really like that in a bad way. I think I cut off a part of me, because he's so keen for things to be right and good and comfortable. He gets so much pleasure out of being there for me and me being happy with that. So thats how I act, until a time like this when everything has flared up.
He doesn't consciously stifle me, but sometimes I'll say something (ok, it might be a bit coarse or cynical) and, although he won't comment, I can just sense he's not ok with it. This is making him sound like some sort of control freak and he's absolutely not - its like my choice to do the above and its a vicious circle. If we do argue, or I do question us, I then feel so bad, then I try to overcompensate and feel even less like me. Does that sound like complete nonsense?!

Fuck me, what do you want? And what does your husband think about your dp?
You need either a good slap or to be put in a really difficult situation to make you realise what is important in life. FFS isn?t that obvious? Why not go into social work or help some poor deserving ?foreigners??
Stillcrying are you for real? Don?t you know anything about people or psychology? If this is the sort of advice that people with problems are given is it no wonder they are completely without hope?
Callitaday you are a vain, selfish, shallow fool. And you will continue to be so if you listen to the toss people here spout at you.

So you do tend to attract men when you are out do you? Well isn?t that jolly. AND you are natural and chatty. Fantastic! Different levels as well! Not taken anyone up!
(gold star for that one). ?emotional/intelligence attraction (rather than just wanting a quick shag with someone!)? well ain?t that a whole lotta difference when the kids get to hear of it.

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT

jameelaq

I do take your comments on board and am not surprised that I got a response like this.
I have actually been in a 'really dificult situation' and this actually had had the opposite effect wehre you think 'should I carry on in a relationship where I'm not giving him what he gives me?' My gut feeling is that I did settle down with him too young - I was a different person,so was he - do we stay together forever because of this?

The point about other men, is that if we split, I would have no desire to be with anybody else. Many people leave relationships like mine I would imagine, when they meet someone else creating a very difficult situation.

Callitaday: Jameelaq is an aggressive fuckwit who hates women, so don't take his/her comments too seriously.

I have read the thread through, and sympathise. You've been given some valuable advice.

One thing I would add is that you have mentioned several times that your husband loves you unconditionally and is so very, uncommonly nice. On the surface, this sounds great - what we all supposedly want - but actually, I would have grave reservations about someone loving me unconditionally. I think unconditional love is something we naturally feel for our children/parents, and often other family members - but we choose our partners because of who they are. If it was healthy and normal to love our partners unconditionally, then we could surely shack up with anyone?

My ex-partner wanted to be loved unconditionally in the way he felt loved by his doting mum, and it was something that I wouldn't and couldn't do; something which didn't feel natural - and was a recurring issue between us. It seems illogical to me. I can't imagine loving anyone unconditionally, and I can imagine that if someone loved me unconditionally, I would feel stifled, somehow (and uncomfortably) on a pedestal, and a lot less respect for them for not having the balls to make a stand if I'm being moody/distant/irresponsible/unreasonable/whatever. It's kind of nice that your DH is giving you the space to process your emotions, no matter how much they hurt him ... and yet it's a bit doormat-esque, too - a bit martyr-like, IYSWIM. And that's not going to make you warm to him.

I don't know if this is relevant to your situation, callitaday, but it is something that occurred to me after reading your thread through last night, and I wondered if it might be a factor here.

I don't envy your situation. Good luck.

jameelaq - such kindness.

callitaday - You do seem to be analysing your unhappiness by focussing on your relationship with your husband - really over analysing things - been there and was there for quite some time.

I think you are probably unhappy and I would not be surprised if it has nothing to do with your husband or your relationship.

I wonder whether you are unhappy with yourself.

My totally unscientific theory which can easily be blown out of the water is - When your young you start this internal conversation which involves you blaming your other half when you get unhappy and you automatically switch this internal conversation on when you are unhappy.

My theory is that your unhappy due to various unresolved things which would arise whoever you were with. Bascially, you are unhappy, you look around at your life and can't see anything to make you unhappy so you think - oh it must be my husband and my relationship. Oh, my husband is perfect - it must be his perfection which is making me unhappy - I know this is oversimplification.

How about just trying to put to one side the relationship with your husband. Concentrate on you, concentrate on what you could do to make yourself happy. Consciously stop negative thinking about your husband and consciously begin making positive statements about him. He's not going anywhere and who cares if you wait another 6 months before making a decision.

I wonder if your a bit negative about yourself too - mainly due to your general slant of how amazing your husband is compared to you. I too had quite a negative internal conversation about myself, very very hard on myself - much harder than anyone else. As soon as I identified this it was very easy to change.

Anyway - just some ideas - just throwing them out there - might be totally off.

Oh - and finding someone else attractive both emotinally and sexually is quite normal in long term relationships - unless of course you live without meeting any funny, attractive men, which would be pretty shit - doesn't mean you have to start anything with him or beat yourself up about it.

I had a big love as a teenager, completely head over heals, full on mad love.

I am now like you married to a very nice man
who is a good father blah blah blah.

The thing is they are the same person. It is not that I was more in love with the bad boy and no one can replace him. We were teenagers and now we are not.

What you are searching for IMO is the excitement of the unknown, but each relationship if it lasts long enough will get to the more mundane stage.

My sister felt like you do and asked her DH to leave.

It then transpired that they were meeting each other in secret and sneaking around like a couple of kids. Going on dates and having sex in the car.

She was surprised to find it was not him she found dull, but the whole set up of being married and thinking is this it for me now.

If you have a wonderful man, then for you him and your DS do everything to make it more exciting and make it work.

Thank you everybody, lots of food for thought.

Your right shitshape about the doormat things. In many ways he is not a doormat, I wouldn't have been with him so long if he was. In certain things he will absolutely hold his own and I respect him for that. However, since I voiced my doubts a few months back I think he fehlt so upset that we might actually split, he is now doing everything he can just to make life easy for me. How can it be that when your faced with the fact that someone loves you, but not with the passion and strength that you love them, that you can accept it? Or, maybe because I feel that I couldn't, I'm assuming that he shouldn't accept it either?

notalways - I appreciate what you say about making sure I'm not just generally unhappy with myself. I can see the logic in that, but, I have a very fufilling and enjoyable career and a great set of friends. My only negative bit is that I struggle to balance work and home but I guess thats common for many full time working women.

I would echo Annapolly. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness - it is a big thing to put it on someone else.

You also have described a number of things which can trigger midlife crisis inc death of a friend and wondering whether this is where it is at - also including perhaps a low level of depression given your history. MLC is possible in your thirties. It is also common in MLC to see someone (not your H) as a shining angel who if you could only be with them, would make everything wonderful again.

Happiness actually comes from inside you and I would recommend that you work with a skilled counsellor on this.

But there is also an extent to which being massively loved by someone can feel like a bit of a burden. No one's 'love' is magic medicine that cures all another person's problems, and there is, or can be, something a bit off-putting about someone who says 'I'll do anything to make you happy, anything as long as you let me love you.'

I know solidgoldbrass. I hate to admit it, but that might be the crux of it. God, how awful. I'm really trying to search deeply into the dynamics of our relationship, not just now, but over the last few years. I think there have been many times when things have happened that have 'proved' he loves me so much. Even when we first met, people commented on how he was so smitten with me. Could it be that for some reason, I'm noticing it more now than I used to? Perhaps I'm feeling stifled because its dawned on me just how much he loves me?
What a mess - my gut feeling is that this relationship has run its course - even with all its positives. Its like hes so right for somebody out there, but not for me, or am I being a selfish fool?

God dogfish, that makes me sound so callous and shallow! Does every woman with a good man go through this? What the hell do I do? I can't forsake our marriage just because I feel 'bored'! Surely it should be the easiest thing in the world to be married to such a nice guy?

Okay, do you have any experience of knowing or being with women in my situation? If so,what did they do?

Thanks dogfish.

We do have lots of friends, but many of them are in the same circle. He does have some hobbies and goes out sometimes but I wish he would go out more and let his hair down. I sound like such a whinging old bat and ultimately feel that I need some time on my own (having been in relationships mostly since I was 16). I guess it is very telling when I feel that if the feeling about splitting was mutual, it would feel like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

But its a pretend problem - there is no problem. I mean, what - that he loves you more than you love him - what does that even mean.

It's like your looking back on your life as if you've lived your life without being fully in control and making conscious decisions. Almost like you were a helpless victim of your husband's love. doubtful.

21 isn't that young to get together and 3 years together isn't some crazy short time - hardly rushing things. You've stayed with him for 12 years and he loves you a lot.

You want to split up with him - fine - take control of your decision, take ownership - your a bit bored with him, or you just fancy something different, you don't want to be married to him anymore, or your just can't be bothered putting in the mental and emotional effort it takes to keep the love alive, whatever it is - don't blame him for loving you too much.

He probably just loves you an ordinary amount.

And if you have lived your adult life without assuming full control you need to find out why. Your inference is that your adult romantic life has been driven by your husband's love for you rather than your love for him. If this is the case you need to find out why you felt that his love for you was more important than what you wanted to do. Do some self-examination.

You know, relationships run their course. It's not possible for all marriages to go on and on happily. We promise to love each other for ever, but life isn't like that. Going to counselling and 'working at the marriage' are not going to solve the basic problem that you've grown away from your husband and need a new relationship. It's sad, but it's not your fault nor his and maybe you just need to face up to it together and move on. Good luck.