Advice please - when your husband has become only your friend

[callitaday]

This is a bit of a long one, but I'm desperately needing advice. Have been with dp for 12 years, 4 of which we have been married. 1 ds aged 12. I met him quite
young (21) and we lived together and had ds within 3 years. To be honest, I always felt that things had moved a bit too quickly but recognise that far more now than I did at the time iyswim.

I could write about 'us' for hours, but I'll try and summarise it - dh is very supportive, loving and caring of me and our son. He is an extremely kind, nice person, who is very content with life and seems mainly to live with the purpose of making me happy. If I am honest, I have always felt that he loves me more than I love him. Over the last few years, we have had ups and downs - I suffered from depression a few years back which was a terrible strain on both of us - although I am completely better now. We both have quite stressful but enjoyable jobs and a busy life all in all. Another major event was the death of my very, very close friend 3 years ago - she was someone I looked up to very much, and who I felt 'guided' me to some extent and her death has affected me in many ways.

Throughout all of this, dh has been steady, reassuring, comforting and so on. Yet, I have never felt 100% that this was the 'right' place for me. However, I am somebody who gets on with things, and have often told myself off for being so ungrateful. How many other women have such a loving partner?

However, things are getting worse and worse for me. We've had a dreadful few months and some very serious talks where I have been honest about my doubts. Initially he was gutted, devastated that I was even questioning us, but now he has 'backed off' in the nicest possible way and is giving me time and space to breathe.

I feel that I have some extremely painful questions that I need to answer about myself but just can't do it. I have spoken to a couple of very close friends but its just so painful to admit it. Us splitting would affect so many people and I know that I wouldn't necessarily be happier (or perhaps I would, who knows?) but also know that sometimes, I'm not being 'me' with him.

There are also the obvious effects on our son and our families. There are so many questions going round my head? Is there something wrong with me? Why am I so scared to confront my gut feelings? Why do I not see him as a husband rather than a friend/brother? Perhaps many relationships are like this, and people never feel 100% that things are 'right'? Why do I feel like this when I know that practically, financially etc, life would be 100 times harder on my own? (I know you should never stay with someone purely for that and I am financially independent, but why would I want to make life so much harder especially when we get on reasonably well?) Am I having some sort of early mid life crisis?! (I'm in my mid 30s).

The other complication is that I have also become attracted to somebody else - before you all think that this is the main reason - its not - I have not acted on it and do not intend to. But I do worry why I feel like this about someone other than dh.

IF we did split, my feeling is that I would need to be on my own for many months because I've been in a relationship for so long and I would obviously need to sort myself out. I would really appreciate it if anybody had any advice at all about this situation. We have had a few sessions of counselling and it came from this that I need to decide what I want and that I seem to be searching for something. Has anyone else been in this situation?

Notalways, thanks for the advice re CBT.

call- I know 100% how you feel. I honestly think/know that my DH would rather have me in our marriage and not loving him enough, than losing me. He has said that if we split he wants it to be now not when he is 60, but he would also rather have half a marriage with me than none at all.

This makes it very very hard for me as it rubs in how devastated he- and my two children- would be if I left him.

I read Bel Mooney reply to a question about when do you know it's time to leave along marriage; her reply was when you won happiness is more important than the hurt you will cause the other person.

Maybe you have not reached that point yet.

Could you see yourself sticking it out until your child is left school as his adolesence is a very tricky time to cope with a divorce.

Actually purplepeony, my dh's a bit different. He did say very recently that he is prepared to stick things out if he knows that I think there is a good chance we will be okay. However, he also said that if my gut feeling is that its gone for good, I should be decent and fair enough to tell him.
I don't think that I could stick it out for a few years because he would see through that straight away.

I'm trying to think back to the times when I've still had these doubts, BUT we've still mmanaged to tick along okay. I think the differnce is that now, due to various circumstances, I feel fundamentally that I have changed as a person, and I've changed into a person who can't kid herself any longer.

Purple - I am just me no-one else - interesting you jump to a conclusion that any alternative view must be from only one person.

Sorry Purple, but the inference is that you and the OP hadn't fallen in love with your husbands while your husbands had been very much in love with you. I think we can all agree there are a variety of ways to love and be loved.

I would also be careful callitday in taking advice from someone who has remained in a one sided unhealthy relationship. Sure, share feelings, stories and emotions, but be clear in your mind - Purple has failed to deal with your "problem" in a postive way ie she remains unhappy in an unfulfilling, one-sided relationship.

And I disagree - be hard on yourself, FFS, be very hard on yourself, otherwise your not going to get to the root of things.

I find it hard to see how you have stayed in your relationship for the sake of your husband.

You firmly believe you have remained in your relationship for the sake of your husband and in consideration of your love for him. In fact, there is almost a nobility in your staying as your husband's very happiness and being depends on your presence in his life.

In a way this depends on not considering the unhappiness you are causing by staying. It means focussing just on your own unhappiness and not considering his needs as much as you consider your own. In a way it also depends on you thinking yourself better than your husband.

It would not be unusual for your husband to convince himself he cannot survive or cope without you, or at least, that he would rather have a bit of love than none at all. Such long term daily erosion of self esteem would almost certainly result in a lack of confidence.

Surely it would be kinder for you to enter counselling with a view to breaking up gently and slowly while letting your husband know that there is nothing wrong with him, that the distance in the relationship and the feeling that "something isn't quite right" wasn't his fault - he gave fully of himself, it was you that had at least a whole foot out of the relationship from the beginning.

Also, you might both find that it is actually your husband's strength, calmness and safety which allows you to be yourself. You might have taken for granted all of the things which your husband provides which allows you to be who you want to be.

And Callitaday - I think you need some counselling to find happiness internally - I think you've relinquished responsibility for your own happiness and I think you need to take it back.

Bagorefreshers - GO FOR IT - how brilliant to hear. And it really is just as easy as deciding to do it, just put something into motion now, don't wait for tomorrow - book an appointment with a therapist right now. Your life honestly can be as good as you want to allow it to be, its just about deciding, focussing and making changes.

notalways said Purple - I am just me no-one else - interesting you jump to a conclusion that any alternative view must be from only one person.

Did I do that? really? I don't think so. What I said was that your style of posting was very similar to someone else; not that another point of view has to be from only one person.
Why do you keep putting words into my mouth?

I am also offended that by inference, your "advice", or anyone else's, is better than mine, simply becasue I am in the same situation, and have not yet given up on my marriage-for the very commendable reason of keeping my family together.

I am not offering advice to the OP- I am saying how it is for me.

It's not your place to guess what I felt for my DH when I married 26 years ago- how on earth can you possibly know that?- and then make statements about me and my life based on those incorrect supppositions.

If you wish to advise the OP, go ahead, but please refrain from second guessing what I feel, and also suggesting that my opinions are in some way inferior to yours.

You come over as patronising.

notalways- having re-read your post, it is very unclear where the division comes between talking to me,if in fact you were, and talking to callit.

If you are also talking to me, then please don't. I didn't ask for your advice or opinions, which are way off beam anyway.

Relationships are far more complex than you seem to understand. What I have said here is a tiny snapshot of my life.

What astounds me from your post is that you seem unable to comprehend that some people stay in a relationship becasue they don't wish to inflict hurt on either their partner or their children.

You may not mean to come over as arrogant and patronising- not to mention extremely judgemental, but you do.

Sometimes though keeping a family together is in reality pushing it apart.Unhappiness and unfulfillment are in the air in a home where there is no genuine love and someone is 'resigned' better to go your seperate ways and both find happiness again.

I would like to chip in here from the other side of the divide. I struggled hard and failed to stay in a marriage that was making me unhappy when my DH and DC were desperate for me to stay and continue family life unchanged.

In fact my oldest expressed some relief when I made the decision to leave a month ago as she was aware of the tension between us and disliked it. The younger two seem calm and cheerful and are apparently normal teenagers enjoying school and social life. I am unsure how to tell whether I have damaged them at this stage. Maybe it will be years later it will come out.

My DH is upset and wants me to go back. He has been used to being looked after and having his emotional (and physical) needs catered for. I on the other hand received nothing positive from him so I am feeling free and unburdened and much happier for getting out.

I am sure the day will come when he finds someone else to provide that support and he will be happier than he would be with me grudgingly resenting him.

U think it all takes time and the answer will not come quickly.