Advice please - when your husband has become only your friend

[callitaday]

This is a bit of a long one, but I'm desperately needing advice. Have been with dp for 12 years, 4 of which we have been married. 1 ds aged 12. I met him quite
young (21) and we lived together and had ds within 3 years. To be honest, I always felt that things had moved a bit too quickly but recognise that far more now than I did at the time iyswim.

I could write about 'us' for hours, but I'll try and summarise it - dh is very supportive, loving and caring of me and our son. He is an extremely kind, nice person, who is very content with life and seems mainly to live with the purpose of making me happy. If I am honest, I have always felt that he loves me more than I love him. Over the last few years, we have had ups and downs - I suffered from depression a few years back which was a terrible strain on both of us - although I am completely better now. We both have quite stressful but enjoyable jobs and a busy life all in all. Another major event was the death of my very, very close friend 3 years ago - she was someone I looked up to very much, and who I felt 'guided' me to some extent and her death has affected me in many ways.

Throughout all of this, dh has been steady, reassuring, comforting and so on. Yet, I have never felt 100% that this was the 'right' place for me. However, I am somebody who gets on with things, and have often told myself off for being so ungrateful. How many other women have such a loving partner?

However, things are getting worse and worse for me. We've had a dreadful few months and some very serious talks where I have been honest about my doubts. Initially he was gutted, devastated that I was even questioning us, but now he has 'backed off' in the nicest possible way and is giving me time and space to breathe.

I feel that I have some extremely painful questions that I need to answer about myself but just can't do it. I have spoken to a couple of very close friends but its just so painful to admit it. Us splitting would affect so many people and I know that I wouldn't necessarily be happier (or perhaps I would, who knows?) but also know that sometimes, I'm not being 'me' with him.

There are also the obvious effects on our son and our families. There are so many questions going round my head? Is there something wrong with me? Why am I so scared to confront my gut feelings? Why do I not see him as a husband rather than a friend/brother? Perhaps many relationships are like this, and people never feel 100% that things are 'right'? Why do I feel like this when I know that practically, financially etc, life would be 100 times harder on my own? (I know you should never stay with someone purely for that and I am financially independent, but why would I want to make life so much harder especially when we get on reasonably well?) Am I having some sort of early mid life crisis?! (I'm in my mid 30s).

The other complication is that I have also become attracted to somebody else - before you all think that this is the main reason - its not - I have not acted on it and do not intend to. But I do worry why I feel like this about someone other than dh.

IF we did split, my feeling is that I would need to be on my own for many months because I've been in a relationship for so long and I would obviously need to sort myself out. I would really appreciate it if anybody had any advice at all about this situation. We have had a few sessions of counselling and it came from this that I need to decide what I want and that I seem to be searching for something. Has anyone else been in this situation?

notalways i think your post is a bit naive if i can say so, and lacks real empathy.
It is quite "normal" though not good for 1 partner to care more than the other in a relationship.

I fully understand how the OP feels as I am in a similar position, am much older, and have been married much longer.

21 is incredibly young these days to marry. My DD is 22 and I dread to think of her making such a momentous decision at that age- she simply doesn't have life experience.
It is well-documeneted that even as adults we change hugely between 20 and 30- our values especially.

OP all I can say is if you feel it is over, have the courage to leave.
I have felt like you do for more than 20 years. I put off leaving as I always put my children first and when you know your DH really loves you, it is hard to leave.

I may have left it too late and it will still hurt too many people.

Like you, it's not that I don't care- I really do- but something is, and always has been missing.

I can't really tell you what to do, but you are still young and you so have the chance to start over if that is what you want.

Thank you purplepeony, your post is very interesting.

Can I ask - do you regret not leaving? You are absolutely right that it is so hard to contemplate when you have children and don't want to hurt those around you, AND you have a dh who loves you.

The age thing may well be a factor. Looking back, I certainly did 'settle down' far too young, although I know that couples can continue to grow, change and develop together.

Last night, dh and I had a talk. He obviously knows that things are not right, but has been giving me space to try and sort my head out. I think he does understand where I'm coming from and keeps asking me what I want. The thing is, I WANT to feel that things are good between us - why would I contemplate a life alone (well, at least intially) where I have to take care of everthing on my own? Life in many ways would be harder - practically, financially- and I guess, rather scary, because even though things aren't right between us, we're still, to a large extent, there for each other ifyswim.

However, if the feelings just aren't there - the right feelings anyway - does any of the above matter. I don't think I've ever felt to lost in my life.

Callitaday, I really feel for you; I'm going through similar feelings myself, although I am not attracted to another person. I just feel that my marriage to my very wonderful husband was entered at a time when I had no idea who I was and a fantastic opportunity to find out - and I bottled it, the process of discovery I could have had, for the safety of a life with him. And of course, I still don?t know who I am or who/what I could have been. Sorry for the sappy metaphor, but I feel like a much loved bird, with a very caring owner. I live in a beautiful gilded cage, he lovingly feeds me bird seed and loves to hear me sing. I appreciate the comfort and safety, but all I want to do is fly away, see what's at the top of that tree, eat worms, dodge a few cats......well yes, I did say sappy!

I think for me - and maybe for you too, OP - Notalways has nailed it, because I very much feel like a "victim" of my DH's love, which is really ridiculous. I've just never really been in full control of my life and have no idea who I am. I know the roots of this - abusive childhood, becoming an overachieving people pleaser always putting my own desires last - but I've never worked through it or even tried to break away from the childhood script. Perhaps that's why, in my mind, I've reinterpreted my DH's love (which I used to enjoy, and I truly was/am in love him) into a form of abuse I need to escape. Notalways you seem very insightful about this, is there a specific type of therapy you think might help, eg CBT, or any books that might help? This thread has inspired me to seek help rather than walk out the door and keep walking.

Callitaday, sorry for the pain you are going through and I really hope you find some answers and some peace. Please don't feel bad about yourself, I think from your posts you come across as a caring and thoughtful person. I know you say you are fulfilled in your career, have friends etc, but that doesn?t necessarily mean you know who you really are. I wonder if, having settled down young, you are missing the fact that you didn?t sow some wild oats, get into scrapes, get a bit wild, really see what you are made of, iyswim? Your DH isn?t giving you any real reason to shake up your life, because he?s ticking all the perfect husband boxes; you don?t want to appear like the biggest bitch in the world by walking away from the ?perfect? husband (DC considerations aside) ? so in your mind, all that love and perfection is a trap.

Bagofrefreshers, you put it so much better than I ever could have.
You've hit the nail on the head by so much of what you say.
I wholeheartedly agree with you about the point of not being able to explore yourself and settling for something warm and comfortable at an age when I simply didn't know who I was or what I would become.

However - in saying all of that - I know that NOW I have so much more than anyone else and a husband who is willing to 'accomodate' me as much as possible within reason. On the other hand, I'm in my thirties, and can't help feeling that if things are like this now, won't they just be the same in 10, 20 years?

Bagofrefreshers - do you have any thoughts about what you would like to do about your situation?

I honestly think that if the feelings aren't there, you can't carry on within a marriage either faking that everything is ok, or , with your partner knowing that actually, you don't really love them nearly as much as they love you and they are continually trying to make you love them/keep you happy - what an awful prospect for both people.

I can't imagine how miserable it must be to live for twenty years feeling like you don't really want to be with your partner - I suppose it is like a prison sentence.

That said , I don't understand how you can't discover/develop who you are as a person whilst also marrying young and being half of a couple - why is marriage a bar to that? Perhaps I'm just very fortunate that, after marrying very young at 18, me and my husband have grown and developed together over the past 25 years?

Happiness comes from within, if you look to other people to make you happy, you'll almost always be disappointed, I think a more realistic way to look at it is that your partner should never make you unhappy (long term). Also, in a long marriage, there are bound to be periods when one partner needs more love, more support from the other, it's swings and roundabouts.

I think the key question to ask yourself is "am I looking forward to the time when my children have grown up and gone and it's just me and my husband" - if the answer isn't a definite Yes, then splitting up is the only honest (and kind, to both of you) answer.

I do wonder if you are going through a sort of mid life questioning, perhaps after many years of being 'good' doing everything in life as you're supposed too. At 12 your child is also at an interesting stage - for most mums it's an age when you realise that our children will be independent one day.
I do wonder if your dh is trying to please you which in turn makes him less attractive to you.
I think you need to get work out what you want - if you can articulate it you are more likely to get it. I would recommend couselling. Guess I'm taking a cautious approach as good men, who care and are responsible are hard to find.

callit- it is very hard for me to say whether I regret staying or not.

I don't know what the other path would have led to.

My overriding concern was for my children; my son had some mild learning problems and there was no way I could have added a broken family to that, simply by following my own selfish instincts.

I always promised myself that I would re-assesss once my children were adults and that time has come -just. My DD has just completed her degree.

In many ways I am thankful for what I have; my DH earns good money which has allowed me to work part time as well as take the risk of re-training, and we have a good standard ofliving. TBH if we split I would go from a 4 bed, 2 bathroom home, to a 2 up, 2 down terraced home. That should not matter- but sadly it does, and I know people here who will say that is shallow, but I am quite old now, and I have contributed financially all my life to what we have.

I almost left 15 years ago for an ex- we had been engaged when I was 20 and he came back into my life. I couldn't leave and he got fed up with waiting!

I suppose you have to ask youself- if you leave your DH are you willing to be on your own and have no one? Or are you doing it in the hope of meeting another person who is more "right" but can also accept it may never happen? Or that they seem more "right" but you just exchange one set of short comings for another different set.

Maybe you need to explore what it is that you don't get from your DH. I know what it is in my case, but I do get a lot of other things which have kept me here. One of those is the absolute commitment of my DH and after years of being hurt before I married (I was almost 30)that was, and is, a big factor.

I think you need to be sure that you are really unhappy and not simply thinking the grass is greener, that the first flush of the marriage has worn off, or that someone will tick all the boxes- they won't- but it depends which boxes are most important to you.

Thank you purple peony

It doesn't help that I am attracted to someone else, although I can't, for various reasons, imagine being with them and thats a good thing. It does however, illuminate my feelings (or lack of) for my dh. You are absolutely right that I should be prepared to be on my own and there is no telling who I will meet, if anyone, and whether they will 'tick the boxes'.

This is the scary part of life - nobody knows whats going to happen, whats around the corner. Unless I happen to be completely happy in 10, 20 years, I will look back and think 'what if', whatever the choice I make.

(callit*- would it help if you identified what it was about the other person which attracted you? Then you might be able to see if your DH can offer you that to a degree- if there is hope of him changing, or of you changing so you adjust to how he is.

in my case, my DH is very quiet and amiable- I tend to go for men who are chatty, a bit more outgoing than me- they bring me out of myself- and who are a bit one-offs with strong opinions! i like strong men and women. My DH is strong but in a very quiet, subdued way and rarely speaks his emotions aloud.

I find this makes me retreat emotionally and results in me keeping my opinions and a big part of my personality from him.

what about you?

I suppose what I am trying to get at is the language in which callitaday tell's her story - that her husband love is so extraordinary, that his love is so overwhelming.

My point is that his love is probably very ordinary in so far as most loves are extraordinary and overwhelming. The problem is not that her husband loves her too much but rather that she does not love her husband.

I would encourage Callitaday to examine the language and the way in which she tells her story - its not that I am suggesting she is being self-deceptive on purpose - it is just what happens over time.

I wonder whether Callitday - just as Purple has admitted to doing - entered into the relationship with her husband knowing that she didn't love him, but for a variety of reasons she considered at the time was enough.

I would agree with Malificence - that any relationship in which one party's love is not reciprocated is absolutely a doomed affair from the beginning and not just a prison for the one who is loved.

I would also suggest that staying together for the sake of the children is a bit of a fallacy - given that your children will take their reference points relationship wise from you and that "normal" to them will be a one sided non reciprocated relationship in which one party is not happy and not fulfilled.

I think it is the "variety of reasons" Callitaday entered the relationship with her husband which needs to be looked at. along with the "variety of reasons" she has decided to stay up until now.

My feeling is that Callitaday tends to look towards her husband when looking for the problems instead of examining her own behaviour and her own part in her life. She consciously made decisions, she is not a victim of circumstance or life or her husband's overwhelming love.

Bagorefreshers - I think a good CBT therapist will be able to help you look at things - there isn't anything in particular that I could refer you to. It was CBT which made me realise that things which you hold to be absolutely true are simply constructs you've built up over time to support your behaviour. Once I figured this out everything else kind of fell into place and I took full control over my life and my own happiness.

It sounds like you have outgrown each other,and I think you should let him go because you are hanging onto him all the wjile discussing his shortcomings here which I find hugely disrespectful(sorry).My sister split with a similar partner as she just said the spark had gone and he didn't excite her anymore and she felt her life going in a different direction.They remained good friends but he v quickly met someone else and had kids and is blissfully happy where my sister has had a serious of flaky relationships no children and seems quite lonely now.You sound like someone who wants to explore herself and there is nothing wrong with that but you need to be brave and go for it and don't hedge your bets.I think the guy you fancy probably has a lot more to do with it than you think

OK, the guy I'm attracted to (although can I point out that hes not someone I see/speak to now reguarly - its not like hes a regular part of my life) is someone I click with on an intellectual level mainly. Dh is an intelligent man in a practical, logical, black and white way. I am an intelligent person in terms of literature, history and so on. This other person is somebody who I can discuss life with, someone with lots of life experience who has gone through some similiar experiences I have gone through (in terms of depression/bereavement) etc who can relate to, and who relates to me. Someone who is deep down, like me, possibly rather cynical and skeptical about life, who thinks alot about the hundreds of possibilities that can come out of any situation. Someone who just 'gets' me.

It is very easy to 'get' someone when you don't do the mundane stuff with them.Tbh you can be different intellectually and still be in love I just think you aren't.You need to stop thinking about it in terms of your husband will be devastated and loves you more and see it as letting him go while he is young enogh to meet someone else.

thank you noddyholder, god its so hard to admit though.

I think this other attraction is perhaps a catalyst that things are not not right with dh. I just can't bear to hurt him. Then, again, surely its crueler to live a lie. He knows my feelings to a large extent but I know he still has hope that things will be 'ok'. How the hell would I break it to him that we should split.

You have admitted it though and I think it will be easier than you think for both of you.A relationship that is over is quite stressful to live in and the relief for my sister was huge even though everyone said she should stick it out

notalwasy you ar enot " when will I feel noraml" are you? your styles are very similar.

If i can pick holes in what you say, you do jump to lots of conclusions along the lines of "I think..." as if you know more about the OP than she does herself.

Also, I never ever said that I didn't love my husband,when we married, did I? In many ways he is not the right "fit" for me, but love comes in all kinds of guises, and I love him in many ways. I still love/am very fond of, some of my ex-es - just because you aren't with a person it doesn't mean you stop caring.

OP I totally get what you mean, and I don't think it it right of noddy to say that getting someone disappears when you have to deal with day to day crap. That's taking a very shallow look at what is quite complex.

The shine wears off when you have day to day living to cope with, but the connection and telepathic understanding doesn't have to go.

You have all given me lots of food for thought.

Its now a case of truely facing what has been lurking in the back of my mind for a long, long time. And then, taking steps to deal with it. I think some people would choose to stay in a relationship like this, but I don't think I could. Life is so superficially 'easy' and I will miss dh so much as a friend/companion etc, but I do not have the desire to love him truely and deeply as a husband and lifelong companion. I think I have well and truely fucked up.

callit don't be hard on yourself.

Can I ask one personal question- do you still have sex and if so, how do you feel during it?

Do you feel that you are not really engaged, or close?

Ok purple peony.

I've always thought I had a low sex drive. Throughout our relationship we've had quite a few periods when I've gone off it. DH is very understanding and has never pressured me. The strange thing is, a couple of years ago we did go through a period where a sex life became alot more exciting and a bit dirtier. This mostly came about though after we'd both been out drinking, and this came about through a combination of our son getting older and it just being easier to get out together and have some fun, and, being able to afford it because I was earning alot more than when we first got together. The 'dirty' sex was pretty good, but, and this is really personal, I always fantasised about someone else (but not, funnily enough, the man I am attracted to). I have never really analysed this until recently,but I guess it says something.

Since our rowing over the last few months, its been very rare, and dh hasn't pressured me at all. When we have done it, I've felt like crying afterwards and when we're doing it, I'm willing myself to actually 'want' him. The strange thing is, he's a good looking, pretty fit bloke, so its absolutely nothing to do with him physically.

It does sound as if your head is not really engaged in it all when you have sex.

Maybe you have dampened down your libido to cope with your lack of desire for your DH.

How would you feel if you imagined never ever having sex withhim again- or him having another woman?

I feel indifferent both ways.

Your marriage is over in all but name - do the both of you a huge favour and sort out a hopefully amicable split.

You are wasting two lives.

If your husband is as good a man as you say, he deserves to have someone love him properly.

Purple I didn't say that at all.i said that it is easy when you are not embroiled in the everyday to indulge that side of a relationship.i am in q 20 yr relationship and we totally get each other but have also been in others where that first flush when you are on your best behaviour feels like you are so connected and it has worn off once the relationship has got going

Callit, my situation is a bit different from yours. I truly do not want to lose or leave DH, but I feel totally dead inside living this false life day to day. The fault does not lie with him, it's me, and I need to work out my issues and figure out who I am. Which requires therapy, possibly years and years of it, which I'm scared about, because I'm nearly 40 and impatient for my "true" life to begin NOW....and what if years of therapy concludes with nothing but a waste of time, money and energy? Just thinking about it exhausts and depresses me.

But the alternative is to sit here and die a little bit everyday. My hope is that if I can work on myself and get to a state of contentment about myself, then I can either become content and accepting of my life as it is, or move on, doing so from a position of emotional stability and the conviction that such a decision is right for me and for DH. At the moment, if I left, it would definitely by just running away without any direction and taking with me a massive amount of guilt and doubt, as well as leaving behind a lot of confusion and devastation on DH's part.

If you know in your heart that you do not want your DH, then isn't that a positive? Horrible to think about the hurt that might be caused by a split, but if you definitely know you don't want to go on with him, then at least you can walk away without regrets or doubts. And I agree, it's doing him no favours either, just staying with him out of....guilt, pity....? I wouldn't want someone to stay with me out of those emotions. At the moment you two seem to be pretty amicable place, which would hopefully lead to an amicable split. Leaving it much longer might turn the situation bitter.

I wish I had some answers for you and for me. Just wish you lots of luck, I think you're really brave facing up to this and not just letting life pass you by.

Bagofrefreshers

We are amicable at the moment, but deep down, I know dh is still desperate for things to work and would do all sorts to make this happen. I almost feel I would be letting him down if I left him, not giving enough or sticking it out.

In some ways I'm my own worst enemy, always wanting to stick things out and I would feel like I'd failed him and my son if we split. If the feeling was mutual then it would surely be the best for everyone, but how can it be the best for everyone when dh wants things to carry on as they are?