DS asking about my mother and I really don't want to talk about her

[IUsedToBeFab]

Am I wrong to say that to him?

yes.

why dont you want to talk about her?

Because there isn't anything good I could say about her and I don't want him to know what my childhood was like.

Just realised you think I am wrong, why?

how old is your DS?

It's tough. My dd asked if she was dead and I said I didn't know. I don't.

He is 9 1/2.

What sort of questions is he asking, and how old is he?

I was wondering if there was a way you could give a very minimal answer (some basic, factual information) as she is part of his family and it dies seem reasonable that he knows something of her. That might be enough information.

If he pushes onto more emotional ground, could you consider closing the subject completely with something along the lines of: "things were not easy for a variety of reasons which I do not wish to discuss".

He has a right to know where he comes from.

At 9 i can't imagine he is asking anything too deep.
surely it is more likely things like do you have a mum, where is she, why don't we see her.

i think those basic questions should be answered.

Yes i do, she lives in xyz, because granny and i don't get on.

He doesn't come from her though. I barely do. She will never ever be in his life and will never see her. I don't want to talk about her because one question will lead to another and I just don't want him to know what my life was like. I can't handle him knowing.

you don't have to. for now you tell him that you don't get on. if he asks why you say that she wasn't very nice to you.

as he gets older you can either tell him more or explain that you don't want to talk about it.

but she is part of him. he has a right to know

I do think that honesty is the best policy. To say you don't want to discuss it is not really fair. If you can explain in very simple trems, for eg, she was nto a veyr nice woman, or not grown up enough to be a good mother, that is far preferable to a vague sense of 'we don't talk about that'. It's not healthy for anyone imo

Am watching this thread with interest, DS (3.3) has been asking what my Daddy's name is and where he is. Sadly my father buggered off when I was a teenager with no warning and no contact since! Have told DS my father's name and that I don't know where his house is but am anticipating more awkward questions over the years!

I can see that you are probably right but I know how sensitive ds is and he will be upset. He would also tell dd and ds2. DS2 is only 5 and dd has dreams about me dying so I really don't want to upset them.

Hard one. DS is only 2 but I will probably face the same questions in 6-7 years time.

All the best with whatever you decide to tell him.

I would just tell him that she wasn't very nice and you will tell him all about it when he is is a bit older.

Good plan, piscesmoon, though I will get the why won't you tell me now?

I think you should be able to find a way. there's no need to alarm him by saying you don't want to discuss it and there are probably plenty of benign memories you can sum up e.g. what she looked like, hair and eye colour,things she liked to do etc.

Why has he asked about her, was it just in passing or is there something he already knows.

My mum had terrible problems so I had a nightmare childhood. If DD ever wants to ask about my mum (who's been dead for years) I've no desire to start loading adult info. onto her. Will just chat about where we lived, how interesting and clever she was (she was eccentric)and so on. My sister is the opposite, she's always telling her children what a bad mum she had. It seems inappropriate to me that she does that.

My eldest 2 have started asking the odd question about her in the last few months. I stopped living with her when I was a baby so there isn't a lot I can tell him though I did see her on and off.

I think he needs to know. Not gruesome details, but bare facts.

I had a horrible childhood and will be going through the same in a few years time with DD. I've got less of a problem explaining about my father (dead heroin addict, DV etc., tried to kill my mum a few times) than my mum (paranoid schizophrenic, very unstable and neglectful) because he is dead and DD will never know him, whereas my mum is around and loves DD to bits.

I do think they need to know the truth though, because it is part of them, and they should understand you too. I think (hope) that it will show them a side of you that they can only respect.

But they will never see her...

I think that the best approach with many of children's questions is to just directly answer briefly. So he is says 'Where is your Mum?', you say 'I dont know'. He says 'Why dont you know?' You say 'because I've not seen her for a long time'. He might say 'Why?', and you can say 'because I dont want to see her, we dont get on very well'. Etc, etc. Try not to give a leading answer or create a mystery.

Kids dont think like adults, for an adult the responses would lead to further questions. For kids, they accept what you say as long as you dont make a big deal of it.

I would tell him that when you think he is ready, he will understand why you waited.

Any other question I always answer it in an age appropriate way but stuff about my mother is just too hard.

The thing is, at some point surely he will know, so is it not better to avoid a big shock?

You don't have to tell him what she did, or even what she was like in detail, but what she looked like and the fact that you didn't get on with her will do for now I think.

If it's too hard, could someone else have this conversation with him?