DS asking about my mother and I really don't want to talk about her

[IUsedToBeFab]

Am I wrong to say that to him?

I find that writing really helps.If you don't want to write him a letter then just try writing for yourself. I have done it in times of stress and find it helps. Don't let anyone read it and you can be utterly frank ,if you know that it is for your eyes only and you are going to destroy it. Just empty every single thought you have about your mother on to paper, however small or silly you think it is-in any order-keep writing until there is absolutely nothing left to say-you have got it all out. Leave it a couple of days and then read it through and destroy it. It works for me-it can't make it better but it makes me feel a lot better.

Thank you for all your replies. I suppose as he never even asked anything about my mother until he was 8, when he sees daddy's mother a lot, I thought it wouldn't come up until they were older [stupid emoticon]. I have decided you are all right and next time he asks anything I will answer him. Last year we met one of my foster mother's and they know she looked after me when I was little but they didn't then ask why my mother didn't. I guess part of it is I don't want them to feel sorry for me.

They will only feel sorry for you if you tell it that way. If it is too hurtful to mention stick to the facts and keep all emotion out of it. I would only answer each question as he asks it.

I was told by a psychodynamic therapist that the family member mentioned the least in therapy is very often the one with whom the most unresolved problems lies and a therapist confident in their abilities in a long term relationship with a client will gently push to go there.

Maybe being matter of fact, like it is normal, is the way to go?

Eurostar - I am starting to think I might be in denial about my mother when I have talked about her to dh but didn't see how she could have an important effect in my life when I barely know her.

She has had a huge impact-if she wasn't important you could talk about it. Keep the emotions out of it and stick to facts.
I do think you need help to come to terms with it and be able to let it go.

I have seen it that her actions have had more impact rather than her exactly as I haven't had a lot to do with her on a physical sense so have kind of not thought about that. She did tell me that she did everything for me and I have spent far too long trying to think of even one thing for me.

I did write a letter to her 19 years ago but didn't send it, I never intended too. I might see if I can find it and read it.

I think writing things down would help, just wouldn't know where to start.

It has also just dawned on me why I felt the way I did about my first boyfriend. Kind of learnt behaviour from what she has said and also rather freaky that even with very limited time with her I am left with something that still affects me years and years later.

The good thing about writing it only for yourself and then destroying it is that you don't have to make it logical or even good English. You start anywhere and you empty your mind of every thought you have about her-things that you would feel stupid telling other people. You then wait-read it and tear it up. I find it theraputic.

My mum's an alcoholic and so I allow NO contact between her and my DD but tell my DD her Nana is poorly which is why she can't see her. She accepts this (shes 5.5) and has a very loving set of grandparents from her dads side.
If contact or information will harm your son, just tell him things when you feel he is old enough to understand but don't compromise on your position if you feel you are doing whats best for him.

Only you know the impact of your childhood on your emotions, though I do think you should be honest once he's old enough.

I know you are all right I just find it hard to think I have to tell them. I had some terrible things happen to me and I just can't bear/bare? the thought of them knowing. He hasn't asked anything today.

I sometimes think about seeing my mother but it would just get too complicated.

At the risk of slaying this interesting thread (!), I am in a similar position to you, in that I have no contact with my mother (13 years now) and have no wish to see her again. I was dreading my dcs asking about her, but when they were a certain age and asked again, I just told them that she had problems, didn't like being a mummy and didn't love me in the way that I love them. I did say that we didn't get on, but that if me and the dcs ever fell out, that i would always love them and that we'd make up like they make up with their friends. I pointed out that I'm not like her and that I love them very much blah blah!

That all took just a few sentences and they seemed very happy (think they were about 8 and 10 at the time - they had asked about her before when they were younger, but gave them a shorter answer 'I don't see her, she wasn't a nice lady and we didn't get on')

I would never tell them the horrific things that she did to you. Why do you feel you need to go in to such detail?

She never really did anything horrific, certainly not the worst things, but it was her actions that put me in that position. I guess I was thinking they would ask more and more questions but maybe they won't.

My dcs asked me further and I just said, she wasn't nice, she said nasty things to me. If they ask further (which mine didn't), just say it was so long ago you can't remember.

Answering a question with simple basics is entirely different to divulging anything you or they may find upsetting. And it doesn't even mean lying.

He may well go on to ask further questions, but again, you just answer simply in a matter-of-fact way that avoids any upsetting details.

I think that they will only ask more and nore questions if you don't answer the simple ones. Fartmeistergeneral has a good way of putting it.

I will bear all this in mind. What's the betting he doesn't ask again?!

Hey Fab, I'm coming from the PoV of someone whose mum did not want to talk about her father, or see him. She told me that he was an angry man, hadn't been nice to her and she only wanted nice people to meet us because she loved us so much (or words to that effect). It was that simple really. Kids get used to the fact that not all of their grandparents are around because of distance or death.

I'm sure it won't worry them. You two are their parents, she is just a topic of conversation/curiosity.

It is incredibly hard to be matter-of-fact when that's not how you feel. If your DS asks again would you be able to say, "I don't really know anything about her because I didn't live with her when I was a baby"? An alternative might be to say,"do you remember X (foster mum)...? She was one of the people who looked after me when I was little and I don't really know anything about my mother".

FWIW, I've taught a number of children over the years who've had no contact with parents/grandparents/lost them in horrible circumstances and those whose carers have been able to respond to their queries with something fairly definite have appeared (aged 8-11) to accept what they've been told, certainly they've repeated that to me (their teacher) or their classmates as fact. It's often when talking about characters in stories that children suddenly start announcing, "I never met my Grandad either coz he died before I was born"..."I have one grandad and two grans coz he has two wives but you mustn't tell the nan that picks me up coz she doesn't know"..."my dad lived in a children's home like Tracy Beaker so he doesn't know who his parents are" etc. etc.

I wonder if I am trying to protect them or me more.

Both! It sounds as though you are trying to protect your DCs from your childhood. In doing that you are also seeking protection for yourself.

If your DS is a reasonable reader maybe you could write a list/sentence for him that says what I said in my previous post; put it somewhere in an envelope with a sentence on the front that explains, "DS, I wrote this down for you to read because it makes me sad to say it out loud".

There is lots to think about. I will get Dh to print this thread out so I can reread it easily and get ideas.

agree - if she did horrible things to you, then don't tell the gory details to the kids.

I have a toxic family. I tell my children in vague terms that my mum and dad did and said some things that made me feel sad and hurt. They also said horrible things about DH. The final straw was when they came to this country and were here 5 weeks without telling us they were here or visiting the grandchildren.

[I wont tell them that my dad sexually abused me. I wont tell them that my mother knew and did nothing.]

OP, I almost wish I were in your position. My mother was emotionally neglectful and abusive when I was younger but I never cut contact because it took me years to figure out that I wasn't the problem. My dcs know her as a sweet slightly batty old granny and don't understand why I am so stressed out by having to deal with her and why just about anything she does sends me into a rage. I don't know what to tell them, if I should tell them anything, or like you, how to talk about her to them without having some sort of meltdown.

All of you, thanks for sharing, I'm sure it has helped others, it certainly has me. :)