DS asking about my mother and I really don't want to talk about her

[IUsedToBeFab]

Am I wrong to say that to him?

I think you just have to do what feels right for you, but be prepared that although it makes you feel better not to discuss it at all, he may become worried and anxious without any explanation, and that may lead to some problematic behaviour. But if you can't talk about it, you can't talk about it, and that's just the way it is. There's not much point trying to be different to how you are.

Good advice BOF.

I feel so stupid as he only asked what her name was today. I couldn't even bring myself to tell him that.

I'd worry that by not answering questions at all, you could inadvertently start a fascination and it sounds as if that is exactly what you wouldn't want. My hope would be that a few factual answers (in as bored a tone of voice as you can manage) will be enough to end the subject.

I think you are in desperate need of some therapy tbh. Woudl you be willling to try CBT?

I agree.

You need to seek help yourself for whatever she put you through.

I have just finished a years therapy but talked very little about my mother.

I think I am going to fake it that I am fine, just like normal people and that I am a grown up in charge of myself. It might then feel real.

If you barely talked about your mother, you can't have found the right therapy for you. It seems an overwhelming issue, and one you're not dealing with

I think that you ought to seek some help for yourself. You could ask for some professional help about how to speak to DS because it doesn't sound as if you will be anymore ready to talk when he is older.

I just don't want to upset him by telling him what happened to me.

I wasn't referred for therapy to talk about my mother. I have never wanted to talk about her.

i would make up a name for her so you don't have to say her real name. i would say that she isn't in your life anymore because she wasn't a very nice person. you will tell him when he's older, but for now please can he accept that you can't talk about it.

tell him the truth because that is what will resonate the most.

you can't fake this - i'm sorry, but people are fitted with very good bullshit-o-metres.

He usually asks stuff completely out of the blue as well which doesn't help.

And yet here you are starting a thread about her....
I really think it's worth getting referred again. Not talking about things rarely solves a problem, but it often exacerbates it

Why not write a letter now and tell him that you will give it to him when he is a bit older? It is easier to write things down-especially if no one is going to read it immediately. Then leave it and just give it to him in the future and take it from there.

could you get your DH to talk a little about it (agreeing what he will say first) if you find it too painful?

I wasn't aware there was a limit on the amount of threads you could start on a similar subject. I asked for advice, I have been told I am handling it wrong, I am merely trying to explain why I feel the way I do.

Or just say that she gave you away when you were very little, so you don't know anything about her. Then just broken record any questions with "I don't know really" and distract him.

It will obviously be a bit freaky for him, but if you aren't going to deal with this aspect of yourself through therapy (and that's your choice), then you just have to accept that really. He might well be fine with that, who knows?

I think the comment about you starting a thread was gently pointing out that some small (or large) part of you clearly DOES need to talk about your mother. You are being too defensive- it wasn't an attack.

I don't want to do anything that will freak him out .

I guess as I know I will never see or speak to her again I didn't see the point in talking about her. I obviously need to think about this. A bit of it is because I feel ashamed she didn't want me.

bof but I don't want to talk about her to him and see no benefit about talking about her full stop. I have had a crap week so I guess I should just put it down to me being all over the place.

I don't know your back story im afraid.

I would see it this way. I experienced horrific abuse at the hands of my Dc's father.

However i am able to discuss him with them without venom or hatred.

If you aren't able to do the same about your mother then there is clearly a lot you still need to sort through and recover from.

It isn't a normal reaction to be so unable to even speak about a person.

I know .

A lot of mixed messages here. You never saw her so why so hard to talk about it?

Your concern should be for children. If you want well adjusted children just be open/honest but in an age appropriate way.