DS asking about my mother and I really don't want to talk about her

[IUsedToBeFab]

Am I wrong to say that to him?

tums - did I say I never saw her? I didn't live with her from when I was a baby but I did see her. I haven't seen her now for nearly 20 years.

Shineon - is it things that they are too young to know and you will tell them later or you feel none of their business?

I remember you, IUsedToBeFab.

I think that this is worrying you far more than it will worry your dc. My dd is 4 and rightly or wrongly I told her that my mother, her grandmother, is not a nice lady and doesn't like mummy. So we don't see her. She lives a very long way away.

Perhaps it was too much info but it seems to have answered her question and she seems okay with that - she did say that it made her sad though. I said it was okay as we have each other and daddy, and dsd, and Auntie M, and cousin L and so on.

You can answer his question without avoiding it and without going into details.

So when he asks hwat she was like, you could say something like she wasnt very well so other people looked after you, therefore you didn't know her very well so unfortunatel there's not much you can say about her.

Yes to acting like you're fine when he asks - its what we all have to do in varying degrees in different situations.

I would avoid venting to the kids - even in a small way - about this stuff. My mother had issues about her childhood (it was horrific) and she used to tell us stuff as we were growing up and it made us feel like crap, cos whats a child supposed to do with that information? Now im a parent I see what she did as rather selfish (although I totaly sympathise with her, I just think she ought to have focused on getting help with the effects of the abuse instead of using us to vent).

That is why I don't want to tell my kids as they will feel sad or worried.

How do you know they will feel sad and worried? Noone is a mindreader, you don't know how they will react. There are ways of doing it appropriately. I do understand your reluctance, but you are in a huge state of denial about how much this affects you. Do you want to carry that to the next generation? Family things like this have a nasty habit of spiralling out of control if they are kept hush hush ime.

So you just answer his question in a way that is neutral and ends the conversation.
It doesn't need to be a big dramatic thing to them.
If you cant remember anything about her then there's nothing more to say.

They would only be sad and worried if you say something sad and worrying!

Boo - I feel they would be like that as they worry when I am poorly. Maybe the thought would be worse than the reality and next time I should just answer.

WHat do you mean they worry when you're poorly? Are they showing signs of anxiety themselves? My dc couldn't care less when I'm ill, they certainly don't worry about it

I still think a letter is best and tell him he will be able to read it when he is older.

Worry might be too strong, ds cuddles me and asks me if I am okay. I just thought he was getting empathy not anxiety.

I am beginning to realise I need to deal with this myself before I can deal with the kids. As I can't ever remember living with her I guess I just felt she was of no consequence .

You are projecting your own emotions onto your children. You must know this isn't healthy. A quick cuddle for a poorly mum should not make you think they are desperately anxious and worried about you. If you can't get therapy for you, do it for your children.

If you hide things from kids they just blow it up in their minds. When I was little there was a big mystery surrounding my gran's childhood and my mum acted very weird about it when I asked. It made me feel excluded from the family and of course I had all these theories in my head. Naturally the truth was far more mundane than what I had imagined and I really felt quite annoyed about the secrecy as it made me feel that I somehow wasn't trusted enough to know about my own family.

I know it's not the case that you're not telling your DCs about your mum because you don't trust them, but IMO they do have a right to know about where they came from. How would you feel about explaining the basic situation, telling them that it was very tough and then saying that you'd rather not talk any more about it?

If you paid for your therapy,I'd be asking for my money back.

Seriously.

You really sound like you need some decent therapy,CBT based therapy.

Bit unfair that Rage as I rarely talked about my mother and not why I was referred.

I have the CBT for dummies book, maybe it is time I read it.

CBT for dummies won't help if you are unwilling to put the work in. I am in CBT, I had a session just today in fact, and it's exhausting and it can be devastating when you decode your thoughts and realise what negative things you believe about yourself due (in my case as well as yours by the sound of it) to your mother.
Your life as you portray it here is lacking in any kind of joy. You find your children exhausting, you find it difficult to just function day to day. In ignoring the therapy option, or telling yourself you've done it, it didn't work, you're choosing to live like this. What a waste. As soon as you believe you and your children are worth more, call the GP. Thewaiting list shouldn;t be too long, and the sessions on the NHS have just been exteneded to allow everyone 20 hours. That should be a good start.

I am not ignoring the therapy option, I was only allowed a year.

I don't understand CBT so will reading the book just confuse me more?

I want to be well, I just feel I don't know where to start sometimes.

A year is incredibly generous on the NHS, there's no 'only' about it. If you didn't bring up your mother in all that time, you must, if you're being honest, have deliberately ignored the issue. That, or you had a shite therapist

At the time she didn't seem like the biggest problem I had. TBH I don't give her much thought it is just when the kids ask it throws me.

Have you considered Pisces's suggestion of writing a letter now to give him when he's older? You might find it therapeutic to sort out in your mind exactly how much it does mean to you.

completely agree with Writer's post, as a child who things were kept from. better to hear an age-appropriate version of the truth, than to feel there's some dark shameful secret.

iusedtobefab - you are GUARANTEED to freak out your ds if you refuse to give him any information at all. Leaving huge gaps like this will only cause him to fill the gaps with all sorts of distressing information, because he has probably already picked up off you that there's something wrong.

If you keep the information simple for the moment, such as you don't know this or that because you never lived with her, that will be more than enough for a 9 year old.

But if you are unable to even say her name or acknowledge that you had/have a biological mother, I agree that you desperately need therapy.

Please don't tell him it's none of his business though, that will seem very weird indeed

I really think that you need some help-he has her genes in his makeup and he will worry if he thinks there is something dreadful that is hidden when it is part of him. I would keep it simple at the moment.