If you like to make a big deal of how happy your marriage is, does it not worry you that a lot of women are suffering within marriage?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Two women a week are murdered by partners or ex-partners and one in four women will experience domestic violence at some point in their lives.
If you yourself are in a wonderful marriage and like to talk about it and recommend the institution to other women, do you think you might have some responsibility towards those who naively think that love&marriage will solve all their problems and thereby end up in awful abusive relationships?

Yes this is a folow on from the sex work thread, I thought it deserved a thread of its own.

ime, those who brag about how wonderful xyz is, are usually lying.

i wouldn't sweat it. let them get on with it.

It appears I need to qualify my statement. I am happier married than not because I picked a great man, we were happy before but we feel more of a team now.

I am very happily married, but have never recommended it to anyone else. A marriage is only ever as good as the two people who make it It's a persoanl thing. If my marriaage ever goes tits up, I won't blame anyone for 'selling' me the idea.

Glad I'm not the only one Grace who thinks like that about the films.

I'm not married and have never felt any pressure whatsoever to be married. I am very happy and secure in my relationship with my DP. I do think most people find more happiness/contentment in a good couple relationship than being alone would ever afford them, but I also think that being in an unhappy/abusive relationship is dreadful and that being alone may be better.

When I know people are unhappy with their partner and believe their relationship is over, I usually recommend that they look for a new partner before getting rid of the old one. This, I know, is an unpopular policy with many MNers. But I am quite a pragmatic person and don't believe in unnecessary self-flagellation. Nor do I think children deserve two single parents.

Bonsoir, are you suggesting that unhappy people should have affairs and leave their partners for the sake of the children?

Can I ask you a personal question? Do you smoke crack?

FFS we are being made to feel guilty for having a good marraige now - I am on my second (blissfully happy!) after one abusive one which I got out of and yes I feel compassion for others who are in that sitution as I am human but in no way do I spend time worrying about others marriages - friends who have been through shit yes - but the whole of womankind experiencing problems - hell no I've other things to worry about frankly.

Bonsoir- I NEED time to be on my own after a failed relationship and moreover I enjoy it. The last thing I need after a relationship is a rebound. Being single can be fun you know!

No, I think unhappy people (who think their relationships are beyond repair) should look for another partner before dumping their previous partner.

I don't think children are often very well served by two single parents - better to have at least one two-parent household to fall back on.

I don't understand the premise of the OP.

I had an unhappy first marriage, was on my own for a while, then lived with DH for 12 years before we married. Yes, it is a happy marriage - I'm grateful for that. I married because I wanted to make a public declaration of my love and respect for him - there really was no more than that motivating me. I didn't think it would solve any problems, and I feel no responsibility whatsoever for other people's problems just because we decided we wanted a Big Day Out.

I don't think we're more or less happy now than we were when we co-habited. I don't see that by virtue of marrying I'm acting as a walking advertisement for marriage. I'm baffled as to why anyone would think that was the case.

The problem with that Bonsoir is that you are transferring one load of baggage onto another person.That would be my idea of hell but each to their own. I think it would also be immensely confusing for the children.

Eh? . Another stick to beat ourselves with? No I don't buy it.

Quite apart from anything else, I have always found it enormously difficult to get anyone to go out with me, so replacing one partner with another has never been very workable in any case.

People are always telling me how I ought to get married. And indeed, that if I don't marry Mr Inferior this demonstrates that I shouldn't be living with him in the first place. Mostly on MN, it must be said. In RL, I do get a bit lectured too but tend to ignore it.

Yep, MI - and then they try "Well, you might as well be married so why don't you?"
Then I say: "Why should I?"
They say: "Legal, financial, social, etc, etc"
And I say "Ah, so you mean the cultural pressure & legalised prostitution deal?"

Whereupon, in RL, they say "Yeah, more or less, may as well go along with it." On MN it's a different kettle of fish

Just because something is good for some and bad for others doesn't make them instantly, directly comparable, you could compare anything that way - spiders, shopping for jeans, coriander, drug taking....

I actually think the opposite is true - that you need people showing good templates for marriage to reflect back to people how they should expect to be treated. The people I know who have been in abusive relationships tend to have had parents in some sort of dysfunctional relationship. Why not say that marriage should make you happy, you should be treated well etc?

I am always suspicious of "wonderful marraiges". What defines them? I am in a stable long marriage (23 years) which I would describe as very good, but by God there have been times when I would have liked to have walked, esp in the days of the small children. (and of course a few vase/plate throwing espisodes as disucssed on another thread)

I have never thought of marriage as the answer to all prayers - I think some marriages probably fail because those involved expect that one person can fulfill all their needs which is rather a tall order.

Of course I opwrry about other people.

But I am not gpoing to pretend mine is worse than it is or I um unhappy because of it: my marriage brings me a lot of happiness.

I;ve a friend whose H is a nasty abusive haioled piece of shite due out for early release in December, I know how bad it can be, but it's not becuase she is married but becuase she is amrried to a nasty piece of shite.

Better to promote good marriage IMO. Because lots of people do want someone to be with just them for ever, and need to realise that's possible without being married to the scrote they are currently with.

I don't care less if people are married, gay, single, multi-partnered, a swinger or whatever, as long as it is consensual, happy and mutuallt agreed upon.

There are certainly people who think that love (with or without marriage) will solve all their problems and desperately go seeking it, sometimes in very unlikely places. I think a lot of that is based on the romantic love ideal, but also when you are single not by choice or your relationship is or has gone down the pan the world seems full of couples. It does seem to be the default and that creates all sorts of pressures. Many people stay in relationships more because they are afraid to be alone than anything else.

I think that Bonsoir's view/advocacy on this thread is more damaging than the many people saying that they have a good relationship with their husbands, because those are simply individuals describing their lives, and whilst it can be upsetting to hear that other people are happy when you are not, that's just a part of life. Whereas the idea that of course you must have a partner and that that is somehow better than being free of the misery of an abusive relationship is a contributor to people not getting out when they should.

Children need (ideally) two parents that love them and are a positive part of their lives. Extended families and lots of supportive adults are also important, but they don't need step parents (although some are of course fantastic). Coupled up parents are not some sort of holy grail nor is coupledom for that matter.

Oh and when did wodnerful ahve to eman a bed of roses?

It's wonderful (IMO) being with Dh and amrrioed to him becuase no matter what shit has befallen us, no matter what argument (and no, not absusive: deal breaker immediately if that happened) or even walk out, we've managed t sort it out and be happy again.

It is that which I think wonderful.

Not some pink fluffy romantic image that has no bearing on who's doing the washing, who has run out of ash and who gets to do teh appointment run this week when you're both double booked.

Yes, but there is something apparently different, specific about being Married. You can have sorted all the legal stuff, be quite clear about all that...but the act of having your Union Sanctified, of acquiring this new automonous entity of The Marriage, apparently is different.

And there is also this firm belief that those of us who do find the idea of The Marriage problematic would instantly change our minds if, as one poster once put it charmingly 'their other halves came home with a sparkly box for them'. Which kind of ignores those of us who have had A Proposal and declined with polite thanks .

I suspect that people would be happier if many different models of living were positively modeled - lots of people are unhappy because they feel shoehorned into a square peg life when they just don't believe anything else was viable or acceptable.

Well if that pole is correct, then single I am staying!!!

After the pain of divorce etc, I am actually loving being in charge of this family, I hated the power, control and responsibility inicially... I feel really quite happy running this family now!

I don't get the comment that a rebound relationship giving a two parent household is better than two single parent households... I think the ideal is both parents living togher if not, unless you have good step parents, that to have them involved is more negativity then positivity overall, that comes from an ok stepdad myself as a child and a nightmare stepmum to my children...

not everyone wants to do what I want, and to wait to have a relationship when the children are grown up... things may change, and I did date inicially, but overall I can't see a step dad being overall positive in this family right now...

Regading the comments that in marriage you are a prostitute, I can see how that can happen, that pressure to keep your man happy sexually when you don't want to to keep the marriage close and to stop him straying etc.. hopefully you marry a man you want to have sex with all the time and who is happy if you don't fancy it!

I agree there is a social pressure to pair us up, I don't let it bother me personally, been married had the children, so what is the need to do that again, I will if it happens etc...

Glad so many people are so happily married!

I have to say I still don't fully understand what the op wants to discuss, and I wonder if that is what caused the anger and negative comments, at the beginning of the thread from some posters!

I married dh because I loved him, wanted to be with him forever and also wanted children. Children without being married was a total no-no for me.

Pinkbasket, I used to think as marriage being about being a family also, it is a shame that something so sacred was not respected by ow and exh! Next time I will chose more carefully someone who thinks the same way I do about the sancaty of marriage!

Blimey, I am really out of the loop because I would never ever ask a single person , or a co-habiting couple, 'when are you going to get married then?'
I am quite shocked that that still happens tbh. I was pretty arsey with the few people that asked me and DH when we were living together 22 years ago - seems odd to me that people still say that sort of stuff.

I would only ever talk to a friend about her living arrangements if I was concerned that she was unprotected financially. But that would be a legal/financial converstaion, not a wedding one.

I do have a great scene on the wedding video though where my mum is waving us off and say to a friend " oh it is just what my Pagwatch always, always wanted".
Absoloute bollocks. Deciding that we wanted to get married quite shocked both of us and I had only ever wanted to get a career and be important