If you like to make a big deal of how happy your marriage is, does it not worry you that a lot of women are suffering within marriage?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Two women a week are murdered by partners or ex-partners and one in four women will experience domestic violence at some point in their lives.
If you yourself are in a wonderful marriage and like to talk about it and recommend the institution to other women, do you think you might have some responsibility towards those who naively think that love&marriage will solve all their problems and thereby end up in awful abusive relationships?

Yes this is a folow on from the sex work thread, I thought it deserved a thread of its own.

I am not knocking anyone's marriages. One of the current sex work threads has suggestions on it that the 'happy hooker' sex workers should take some moral responsibility for the fact that others are not so happy (ie coerced into it) and I thought that, given that marriage is happy for some people and hell on earth for others, it would be interesting to compare the way the two different things are treated, given how comparable they can be.
Remember that the happiest people on the happiness scale are

1. Married men
2. Single women
3. Married women
4. Single men. And some women are forced to marry, too.

So what though? Some people have shit lives, some people have nice lives. I don't really get your point. And that 'happiness scale' is totally arbitrary. I assume it's from some kind of poll. Who did they ask? I wasn't asked.

I am much happier married, than not.

I'm not happy because I'm married, I have a happy marriage because I had a good partner and a good relationship beforehand (for 10.5 years!) I don't feel guilty about it, I don't feel proud of it either. TBH I rarely remember that we actually are (doesn't feel any different)

I do sometimes believe that people get married too soon, and for the wrong reasons, but I'm probably the wrong person to talk about it as I freely admit we only got hitched for the legal side of it after I got pregnant with DS1 (and that was the only logical reason for me)

I think all these romanticised films have more to answer for, than someone mentioning they're happy in their marriage. I certainly had a very rose tinted view of marriage and was the original incurable romantic always loved watching rom coms from very young. My H cured me of that when he left me for a 21 yr old and it was entirely my own choice to marry him. I tried very hard to be a good wife and was accused of being stepford wife material a few times by friends whilst married. I thought I was happy. Now the dust has settled and I'm alone and having counseling I am realising what led me to marry him and remain with him and work so hard for so long and a lot of it goes back to my dad and how badly he treated me as a child and also how my mum was the original submissive wife and put up with lots. So in a nut shell I my view of marriage was shaped most by my parents. Not anyone else telling me how good theirs was, although I suppose it did make me long to marry, but I made the wrong choice and chose the wrong man. No one else iyswim? My error my mistake.

I need to dash again, I've been trying to type some sort of reply and having to stop and start for quite a while now, so hoping this makes some sort of sense here. Time to deal with the latest argument between my 2 toddlers I'll try and read the thread again later as I am interested in the responses SGB gets.

Mal @SGB: "smugness isn't just a mundane married's condition I see."

I feel pressure to be coupled up. People never fail to ask if I've met "anyone" yet. My social life took a nosedive after getting divorced; I fell right off the couple circuit (past the age of 35 or so, that means nearly everyone.) Obviously, this doesn't equate to happily-marrieds influencing suckers like me to marry abusers ... but there's truth in the generality.

Don't be ridiculous.

If I recommend a Ford Galaxy because ours is great, someone buys one partly on the strength of my recommendation and subsequently dies when he gets pissed and drives it into a wall, am I responsible? No. The driver is responsible.

Oh I see.

I don't know enough about the lives of sex workers to comment.

I refuse to feel guilty for having a lovely husband and a happy marriage. I do empathise with those stuck in awful, abusive relationships but it's not going to help anyone if I walk around pretending to be miserable/trapped!!

What? You are comparing prostitution and marriage?!

Anything and everything can either be great for someone and hell on earth for someone else. Let's apply your logic to the following:

1. An open relationship may be great for one couple but the idea can be appalling for another.
2. Swinging may be fun for some but others may find the idea repulsive. So?

What's your point?

No, I don't think about unhappy couples and feel guilty just because I'm happy in my marriage and others are opressed in theirs. Nor do I encourage other woman to marry as it's none of my business. Married woman are not to blame for abused female partners (or domestic violence against male partners in some cases). The abuser is to blame.

Of course those who are forced to marry will feel their human rights infringed and are more likely to suffer. Again, why should this have anything to do with happily married woman?

Very strange thread indeed.

I absolutely agree about romanticised films, t&c! There has to be 'love at first sight'; there has to be a troubled princess and a handsome rescuer; there has to be at least the hint of a wedding by the end Fiction shouldn't influence our expectations, but it does! Even when we know better - the message gradually sinks in: the correct ending to any adventure is wedded bliss, even if the romance is flimsy and the adventure foolish.

There is a HUGE pressure to be married imo. I myself would love to be but I'm not sure if that's because society tells me that I will be a ''bettre'' women if I am a wife or if it's for my own security. I expect it is because underneath my cynical, feminist exterior I am incurable romantic.

I do envy the happily married but I don't resent them for it and I am glad that such couples exist as an example to the rest of us who also wish to be happily married.

I am PMSL at all the people who say oh no they have never heard marriage recommended to the non-married, oh no. I am not married, and frequently get into rows interesting debates here and elsewhere with people who think I really should accept Mr Inferior's frequent offers to make him the Happiest Man Alive.

I also find it weird when people refer to The Marriage as a separate entity, and a Marriage which must be Looked After, as if it were some kind of prowling beast in the corner that needed to be placated with regular raw meat.

Agree with poshsinglemum. 'Proper' women get married. They also have children.

I don't mean that the happily married can't be feminist either. IMO a happily married women is GOOD for the sisterhood as she is sending a claer message that she won't settle for an abusive man.

Likewise a happy single woman is a great role model to proove that us women can be independant and happy [shock horror] without a man.

Boogiewoogie, you must have heard marriage referred to as legalised prostitution? It's slightly less true than it used to be - but still has plenty of relevance afaics. And that raises some interesting questions re the married woman's objections to the sex trade.

I don't see that marriage is all that different to co-habiting motherinferior. In all but the legal sense.

I have never known anyone recommend marriage. Never. It just seems an odd thing to do for such a personal decision.

There are certain people on mumsnet who do recommend marriage however. In the way thta they are quick to criticise those who are cohabiting etc.

I'm happily married. I don't see it as an institution, to be honest. I've shacked up with a good bloke who I love and who loves me and we have thrown our lot in together. Ten years and going strong. I certainly don't want to 'move on' to some other bloke. No thanks.

My view is that abusive bastards are abusive bastards. Yes, marriage gives them more power over the womn they are in relationship with, but then, so do patriarchal religions (so that's all religion, then) and cultures in many (most) parts of the world. Marriage is just a small part of that.

Horrible men are horrible men.

Sorry, very OT. MI - it's incredibly nice to see you (also spotted you on another thread) I haven't seen you post on MN for ages.

Back OT. I think there is pressure on women (and also on men to a certain extent - in our relationship it was DH who was brought up to believe that life was school, work, marriage, kids. My background was more in the region of 'never get married, it's not worth it, men are all untrustworthy bastards') to be in a relationship. Both my sister and my BF are happily single over 30's and get comments from well meaning people regarding babies and 'finding a good man' all the bloody time, enough that it pisses me off. It must drive them potty.

Oh, and I don't know anyone who bangs on about marriage and how great it is in RL, but I can see the benefits of marriage (especially the financial/legal ones) and I'm glad I'm married.

Orm, it happens all the time!
"Have you met anyone yet?"
"How are you & Mr getting along? Any sign of a ring yet?"
"Why aren't you married?"
"Will your husband be joining you?"
"Is that Mrs?"
"Is Mr going to make an honest woman of you then?"
"Single person supplement: £XXX"