WWIFN - My Affair Story

[romneymarsh]

WWIFN, you thought it would be helpful for me to tell my story so here it is, Im still really struggling with what has happened and really dont know what to do to help myself, I dont feel strong and think I am lingering trying to make sense of it all.

My DH and I have been together for 12 years. On 21st June 2010 my life fell apart, I discovered my DH had been having an affair with a co worker since Dec 2009. I found out when I went to surprise him whilst he was away on a course to take him out for dinner and found he was actually on holiday with the OW.

Our relationship had always been amazing or so I thought, we talked, we loved, we laughed and we had a great friendship. It was love at first sight and we had a lovely life. We have so much in common and I thought we were soulmates. I probably loved too much, I had been married before and didnt want to make any of the mistakes my previous husband highlighted when our marriage ended eg lack of love and our love life etc.

When he came back from his holiday he moved straight in with a friend, he went to counseling and found that he had some problems, some which stemmed from his childhood which he hasnt dealt with. He couldnt pin point why he had allowed the affair to happen even after the counseling, although he did say that he thought he was infatuated with her and not sure that it was love, obviously it was love because he chose her. He said he was flattered by her attention, she had been having a bad time in her life and he had listened, talked and tried to help her with her problems.

He chose OW and has now moved in with her (although he wont admit to this). I have had to go no contact for my sanity as he was coming to see me weekly, still kissing me and hugging me, wanting to stay friends, as he has always said I was the best friend he has ever had. But his visits were making me feel so desperate and ill. During this time he was also still telling me that he loved me and always would and please can I forgive him.

As some of you will know from another thread I havent moved on that well, and am still in denial and have not yet reached the anger stage yet (please let it come soon, although I do feel hate for him for what he has done to me on occasions). I think part of the reason I am finding it so hard to move on with life is because he sent me two letters telling me that he will always love me, and that I was a wonderful person etc, I know words are cheap but I did believe him or maybe I just want to believe him. I also know this is probably to make him feel better and less guilty.

I went away for a long weekend but I really didnt enjoy it or really have a good time as all I could think about was DH and my lovely trips away over the years. I am thinking maybe I need to go back to the doctors and ask for more help as I am still not coping.

My only hope is that one day he regrets that he threw away a really good relationship and also that his new relationship doesnt work out. Maybe Im just a mean person.

I really appreciate all the advice and support from Mumsnet and especially Karmann for all your support.

Thanks for sharing. romneymarsh.

It sounds like you've been dealt a terrible blow. I am so sorry. It must have been a huge shock for you .

From what you have said, your DH sounds quite mixed up and with a very fragile ego. I also think he sounds incredibly needy and manipulative, to still be trying to have a 'friendship' with you - the wife he cheated on - and to still be spouting all the stuff about love after this betrayal. Immature and deeply selfish.

I hope you can continue to stay strong and get support here and elsewhere. Good luck x

Have you had counselling too since he went? This will possibly help you more than medication from drs.

PP, I am trying to get some counselling at the moment through work, I thought this would be quicker than going on the waiting list for relate. The GP wants me to deal with this "bereavement" naturally but I am still so tearful.

romney i don't have much practical help to offer just wanted to say i'm so sorry this happened to you.

your 'husband' is a real jackass who wants you to forgive him and be friends to assuage his own feelings, not for your interests. which makes him an even bigger twat than you standard cheater.

you deserve so much more and i hope you get it.

I hope the counselling works out. If you can afford it there are many private counsellors around.

I tend to agree that drugs are not the answer- know too many people who can't give them up. best to let it all out and got over it than put a sticking plaster on it.

I am sure you have done so, but maybe you need to tell your DH not to contact you at all or write- it is to assuage his guilt but it doesn't make the loss easier for you to bear.

Hi Romney. My heart absolutely aches for you, I know only too well exactly how you are feeling. The GP is right in so much as it is a bereavement but I don't see anything wrong with having a little medical help to get you through. There are some relatively mild ADs you could have. I was given Citalopram when my DD left home and had no trouble coming off them. They didn't put me into a zombie like state but just took the edge off. I'm on them again now. My doctor is very reluctant to dish out pills but recognised that when my DD left it was the best course of action to take.

On a daily basis I am now coping well but I do get down sometimes and can get very lonely. Having said that, the down days are not the all consuming devastation I felt before, it's been replaced by more of a sadness.

I was concerned that you wouldn't enjoy your weekend, you're still at the stage of it being on your mind so much everything seems to be a reminder. The relationship you describe sounds exactly like mind did, we got on so well and did so much together.

I have been seeing a counsellor since February. Initially it was to help me deal with the betrayal but since we haven't stayed together I see him to help me cope with moving forward alone. I know I will do it, just as you will. He's been a life line to me.

I get so frustrated that I can't take away the pain you are going through but if I can help at all please keep posting.

Thanks Karmann, hope you had a good weekend, even Las Vegas didnt keep my mind off my problems I couldnt wait to get home, I am supposed to be going away with my children in 2 weeks time but really dont think I can face it, but I know they are so looking forward to it. I really wanted to mention it to my DD today but wanted some advice as to what I should do.

I did have a good weekend thanks but have to admit to hitting a low spot tonight.

Going away with your children may well be different from the Las Vegas weekend. I'm finding the quality time I'm spending with my DD very fulfilling and am easily able to take my mind of things when I am with her. How old are yours?

I don't know what his childhood issues entailed or whether he's chosen to continue with his counselling. I've been working through my family background in this forum, and identified a pattern the other day that might have some relevance for you.

My "Golden" brother - the rich, good-looking one who can do no wrong - is hopelessly unfaithful. He cheated on his first wife, who was (understandably) uptight, and he cheats on his current one. He's startlingly open about this, although I don't think he realises how he gives himself away. He adores his wife but, to him, extramarital sex - and, I suspect, extramarital love - exists entirely outside the relationship he has with his wife. As far as I know, she copes with this by wilful self-delusion :(

My dad was an arse and my mum's useless. The pair of them believed all men would be unfaithful given the chance: to them, it was as true as the fact that water flows downhill. I believed it, too. It turns out that both my grandfathers were unfaithful; their wives knew it but (this was in the 1960s) suffered in silence. If my brother ever entered therapy, he would discover that his damaging attitude to marriage is nothing less than a re-enactment of the grandparents' scenarios.

I'm telling you this in case it may help you appreciate that some people can truly love their partner, but are incapable of properly fulfilling the role of partner. To people like my brother, his love & respect for his wife are genuine. He "would do nothing to hurt her" but is, in fact, only half married. The other half of him, if you like, is permanently divorced.

It's more than possible your STBX does love and value you as much as he says but is, quite simply, damaged: unable to love 100% of you with 100% of himself. If this rings any bells for you, then try not to think of him as deceiving you - the hard part, of course, is accepting that the way he is can only hurt you. You're right to cut contact, at least until you've fully repaired your self. You are acting far more sanely than my SIL! Cold comfort, perhaps, but self respect is one thing we can't successfully live without. Take good care of yourself.

Karmann is a gem, Romney.

I am so glad you've got your story out there. There are a couple of things I want to pick up on.

Don't ever let anyone rob you of your memories or tell you that were deluded that you had a happy marriage. It doesn't sound as though even your H is doing that, which is to his credit.

It also doesn't follow at all that he loves the OW - the word he used himself might be nearer the mark; an infatuation.

I sympathise hugely with the terrible way you found out and the shock and disbelief that must have caused. You have had a horrible time of it and it is no surprise in the least to me, that you are finding difficulty moving on. It must still feel so raw and new. It is only 3 months, after all.

Putting distance between you however gives you the best chance of recovering from this. You might feel that if you leave a door open, your H will feel able to return, but if that is what you are hoping for - and you feel you could start a path to forgiveness, IME it only ever happens when the betraying spouse thinks he has lost you forever.

There's no quick route through this and you have to go through the grieving stages, but try to do one thing each day that gives a boost to your self-esteem. Think too about joining some of the support threads, as the women on there provide a constant source of support and understanding.

I often say to people on infidelity threads that after discovery, the worst is actually over. The time when you were unsighted and being deceived was in fact the worst time of all, even if it doesn't feel like that now.

What ever happens to you now, you will be making decisions from the position of knowledge - and sometimes that thought is frightening, but liberating.

Keep posting and sharing more of your story. It often helps to write down the story of what was happening on the run-up to discovery, for example, but write what you need to - and what is most cathartic for you right now.

< try not to think of him as deceiving you > should have said something like "emotionally dishonest" - of course, he has deceived you.
Also, mistyped my GPs' dates. I'm not that young!

I'm so sorry about what happened to you. My H had an affair which I found out about in April this year. Like yours, it was with a colleague. It's so painful, I'm now anaemic due to shock, early periods and just the general difficulty of it all so try to look after yourself if you can. I'm so sorry. Your H has fallen into a really stupid cliched trap and hopefully he will regret it one day and look back and think what an idiot he was for trashing his life. FWIW it took my DH more than 6 months to truely regret anything about his affair.

Karmann I say children but they are actually young adults at 22 and 24!

Still good fun and good company though! Mine is almost 18 and I'm planning a party.

Despite their ages they will always be children to you.

Iseegraceahead - just read your comment on catwalker's thread about "I suspect the underlying reason - at very bottom - is what you said about his mother. This type of 'core' insecurity/need for approval" in my DH case his father and to do with his childhood of being left to sort himself out and find answers to questions as no one else had time for him apparently he is an 'ambivalent child', that was one of the problems highlighted in his counselling, along with his ego. The last paragraph you wrote on here really does ring a bell with me but Ive started to rewrite our past and wonder if anything I thought was real actually was real or not!

romneymarsh- always sad to see people waste such good relationships- I am very sorry. I always recommend exercise/team sport/gym classes to help cope with the low points. Having a target event can really help. Running with your favourite music on the iPod is really good therapy. Music (and dancing) is generally very soothing.

Very best wishes

Hello Romney, just checking in to see how you're doing tonight. Don't ever feel you have to stay away if you're feeling down, want a rant or a moan, I'll be here to listen.

Thanks Karmann, hope your having a better day today, I dont know how im doing, I have been to see a friend tonight, but ended up sitting talking about DH as usual. I cant do anything at the moment that doesnt remind me of him.

Been reading a couple of threads on Mumsnet too and cant believe how similar they are to my situation especially the one by Catwalker, except her DH stayed and mine didnt, find it hard to work out what makes them want to work on the marriage or to walk away.

Reading the two threads also made me think that maybe it will be easier that I havent had to try and make a go of our marriage, as it sounds like very hard work to move on and forgive, maybe he has done me a favour after all. Yes right who am I trying to convince!

Oh, I know I know! I spent hours reading threads on here when it all first blew up. Although there are similarities each individual is different. Some stay together, some go to OW and some just split. I was convinced we could work it out, I think part of me still is, but he wasn't putting in the effort once he'd left. He enjoyed the meals out etc. but then went back to his sister's at the end of the night. He just wanted the good bits rather than the daily grind of every day life. He's also struggling with his own guilt but that's his problem.

I do think that I'm getting to the point that I don't want him back though. If he asked me if he could come home today I would have to say no. Trouble is with our situation is that we have so many ties, we own businesses and properties together so there is regular contact. It gets very confusing because if I don't hear from him I'm sad but when I do hear from him I'm not that bothered! If I were to write a list of his good points it would be quite short! Our life together was good but I now have to question his character and that's another matter entirely.

I did have a better day yesterday thanks and today wasn't bad. I went for a blast on the back of my friends bike and that blew the cobwebs away. He also insisted that I eat a big breakfast to feed me up a bit.

Oh dear, I seem to have started talking about me!

I'm glad you went to see a friend last night. It doesn't matter that the conversation turned to him - when you need to, just talk, talk, talk. A true friend will not get fed up with it. At some point, the things that remind you of him will have less of an impact on you, the power they have to upset you now will start to fade. I don't know what your relationship with friends was like before all this happened but it's so important to have them around. I didn't realise that before.

I hope you've decided to go away with your DCs, I think it will be very different from your recent break.

Let me know how you're doing today if you feel up to it.

Sorry for using this as diary, but Ive had a bad day, had a cry whilst walking the dogs. Friends are surprised he hasnt contacted me and I suppose that made me think, he obviously doesnt care now he has his new life with his new W.

The other thing Ive been thinking about is how two people can cause so much pain and hurt, and from one that was supposed to love me! As he doesnt have to see the pain he has caused, it must make it easier for DH to move on, less guilt. Finding life so hard.

Thanks Karmann, I do appreciate you taking the trouble daily to check on me. I didnt see your thread before I posted.

As you will see I am being weak today, met up with another friend for a coffee today, she knew us both and is convinced he has made a big mistake, but still cant believe he has treated me so badly. I wish I could erase my mind of these thoughts! She did just text me and say that I am definitely getting better and looking great as I have lost 3.5 stone.

Don't be sorry for using this as a diary - I think it's a good thing to do. Please don't think of yourself as weak, you've had an awful shock and it's natural to feel the way you do.

It is incredible the pain and hurt people can cause to others. I would never have believed the impact to be so enormous.

He hasn't contacted you because he is a coward and they seem to find it so easy to shut doors on their true feelings. It's not that he doesn't care, it's more that he can't face you and finds it easier to bury his head in the sand. I too think they have made a big mistake ('they' as in yours and mine). How can they be so foolish?

3.5 stone! I hope you're not wasting away. I lost 1.5 stone but I could ill afford to lose it. I've had to go to the doctors again today as my health is deteriorating but I'll have to do something about it. It's not easy to make yourself feel better mentally when you're not physically fit.

Keep posting Romney, I will do whatever I can to help you through this.

romneymarsh I have just read your story and my heart breaks for you, for both of you to be honest. What is he thinking of? Your marriage sounds like it was a real meeting of minds. All I can think of is, infatuation is a bit like losing your mind.

Thinking of you x

You ok romney?

Thanks Karmann, really finding life hard at the moment. I think even some at work are concerned about my sanity as I was given a card for 24hr counselling! I want to fast forward my life or sleep for the next 6 months and wake up in hopefully a better place. I know I am getting better, but I can't seem to get over the hurt.

Have a good weekend.