WWIFN - My Affair Story

[romneymarsh]

WWIFN, you thought it would be helpful for me to tell my story so here it is, Im still really struggling with what has happened and really dont know what to do to help myself, I dont feel strong and think I am lingering trying to make sense of it all.

My DH and I have been together for 12 years. On 21st June 2010 my life fell apart, I discovered my DH had been having an affair with a co worker since Dec 2009. I found out when I went to surprise him whilst he was away on a course to take him out for dinner and found he was actually on holiday with the OW.

Our relationship had always been amazing or so I thought, we talked, we loved, we laughed and we had a great friendship. It was love at first sight and we had a lovely life. We have so much in common and I thought we were soulmates. I probably loved too much, I had been married before and didnt want to make any of the mistakes my previous husband highlighted when our marriage ended eg lack of love and our love life etc.

When he came back from his holiday he moved straight in with a friend, he went to counseling and found that he had some problems, some which stemmed from his childhood which he hasnt dealt with. He couldnt pin point why he had allowed the affair to happen even after the counseling, although he did say that he thought he was infatuated with her and not sure that it was love, obviously it was love because he chose her. He said he was flattered by her attention, she had been having a bad time in her life and he had listened, talked and tried to help her with her problems.

He chose OW and has now moved in with her (although he wont admit to this). I have had to go no contact for my sanity as he was coming to see me weekly, still kissing me and hugging me, wanting to stay friends, as he has always said I was the best friend he has ever had. But his visits were making me feel so desperate and ill. During this time he was also still telling me that he loved me and always would and please can I forgive him.

As some of you will know from another thread I havent moved on that well, and am still in denial and have not yet reached the anger stage yet (please let it come soon, although I do feel hate for him for what he has done to me on occasions). I think part of the reason I am finding it so hard to move on with life is because he sent me two letters telling me that he will always love me, and that I was a wonderful person etc, I know words are cheap but I did believe him or maybe I just want to believe him. I also know this is probably to make him feel better and less guilty.

I went away for a long weekend but I really didnt enjoy it or really have a good time as all I could think about was DH and my lovely trips away over the years. I am thinking maybe I need to go back to the doctors and ask for more help as I am still not coping.

My only hope is that one day he regrets that he threw away a really good relationship and also that his new relationship doesnt work out. Maybe Im just a mean person.

I really appreciate all the advice and support from Mumsnet and especially Karmann for all your support.

That's my question all the time - when will I stop loving him? He doesn't deserve my love. If only love was a tap you could switch off. Time, it takes time.

The trip was distressing but I'm glad I did it. I know full well that I will be there again in a few weeks time for a different reason. Not something to look forward to.

Your friends are right - you won't see it yet but you are getting better. I liken this feeling to an illness. We will recover from it.

Karmann hope you are ok. You could be right about this holiday with DC, I haven't cried for 2 days. Maybe AD are starting to kick in, feel I am able to cope a bit more.

Saw DH on Monday eve, he still can't give me any answers, he did say to me "is this the face of a happy man"!!! Good he doesn't deserve to be happy after what he has done to me, well I don't feel he should be anyway. Maybe it's only a matter of time until he is happy with OW, but I hope not.

Romney I might be way off the mark here, but do you think the following scenario is possible?

Sometimes what happens after discovery is that the unfaithful party just cannot face up to all the hurt and recriminations, so they choose the easier route of staying with the person whose tears they don't have to see, the person who is nice to them every day and makes soothing noises about having done the right thing.

It is clear that your H feels guilt, but he also seems keen not to close the door on your relationship. Now we have all told you how unfair that is on you, because it has stopped you from moving on. It's also not fair that he tells you that he is unhappy, but I wonder whether it might be the truth in this instance and he is now bitterly regretting what he has done?

I wonder whether, if you feel you could start a path to forgiveness, you would take him back, assuming he is willing to do the necessary work on himself?

I don't think he can give you answers because I suspect it had nothing to do with your relationship, and everything to do with him and his response to an opportunity that presented itself. But he can't say that, because of the choice he appears to have made. He's not yet ready to put his hands up and say "I got it wrong and this was all about me."

I wonder whether you might explore with your counsellor the notion that after you return from your break away, you tell him that you are feeling better now and are coping better with the idea of a permanent split and have fixed a date a month on from then, when you will launch your single life in earnest?

It would be interesting to see whether he starts to extricate himself from this other relationship and starts trying to win you back.

I don't want to stop you from moving on at all, but there's just something that tells me that this relationship might not yet be over for you, if you don't want it to be.

WWIFN I think you could be right, I have thought this for a while but then I think is it just wishful thinking.

I did ask DH on Monday why he had chosen OW after all his counselling had indicated him coming home and trying to make our relationship work but all he said was "i don't know". He also said that it still feels like home. I have always thought she had a hold over him but he can't tell me what it is. I also did ask him if he chose her as it was the easier option but he said he hadn't thought about it?

I do worry that I will never get over this hope, that he will see what he has thrown away one day, but for now I need to try and heal my broken heart.

Hi Romney. Hope things are getting better for you. I think this holiday is a good idea.

I think WWIFN has a point, I very much feel that my 'ex' (still hate using that term) has found it much easier to stay away because he just cannot face up to the hurt he's caused. He has said that he can't cope with his own guilt but I am looking at it now that it's his problem. He caused it and he can deal with it himself. I am glad that throughout this process I have never once blamed myself which, I think, would have added to my own inner turmoil. He has, as expected, buried himself in work. He's always been a workaholic and I now recognise that some workaholics do it to avoid emotions.

I continually got the 'I don't know' and I think, for some, they just take the opportunity presented to them without giving any real thought to the consequences. Your H may not have thought about why he chose her conciously but it is a possibility that he chose the addiction of it over the stability and routine of a long term relationship.

When people look on the outside to fulfill something they themselves are missing on the inside, usually at an emotional level within themselves, they become addicted to the feeling they get from that outside source. They therefore need to keep feeding that addiction. Until they look at themselves and recognise their flaws they will continue to look outside to make themselves feel whole. It will never work as they continue to repreat these patterns.

Well, I'm off to Liverpool again next week. My cousing died on Monday but I'm glad I made the journey to see him. Odd thing is 'ex' is taking me! Mmmm... that will be interesting. Will let you know how it goes.

In the meantime, enjoy your holiday and stay in touch. Thinking of you.

Karmann, hope you have a good weekend. Sorry to hear your cousin has pass away, hope the funeral isnt too distressing and goodluck with your road trip to Liverpool next week with your ex, I can remember doing that journey with my first exh when my daughter started uni, that really made me think thank goodness we are not together anymore, that was a real eye opener 3.5 hrs with him, maybe that will be the same for you.

3 days and no tears, but have been thinking about DH lots as usual, really miss him, wonder when that will subside. Also been thinking a lot about what WWIFN posted the other day. I do feel that one day our paths will cross again, I suppose its only wishful thinking.

Hi Romney. Yes, I am wondering if so long in the car with him will remind me that his only topic of conversation is work and I will get bored silly!

Maybe your paths will cross at some stage but for now concentrate on you. It's very difficult to just think what will be will be but we need to focus on today. I think part of the frustration is that we see how things could be but are not given the opportunity to do anything about it.

I had a good night out with a friend last night - bit too much Jack Daniels though! Not a good look for a grown woman!

OP, if you are a mean person, then so am I.
I think it's a way of dealing with your feelings.

Take care of yourself.

Karmann, how are you doing, I got back this am and actually had a lot better time than I expected.

I had my 3rd counselling session tonight and not too sure how it is going at the moment. What I cant get my head round is that I am unable to get closure as DH cant give me any answers, she said she thinks he has gone off the rails and is heading for some sort of breakdown and did I think he is depressed, so doesnt think I will ever get any answers. She said that I had not done anything wrong in the relationship maybe just loved too much and wants to move along to why I have such low self esteem and confidence in myself. Also trying to get me to think back to my childhood to see if I have taken anything from there. She also doesnt know if I will ever get the anger to surface and that I am putting all my anger into the OW. I explained I knew it was both their faults but I still love DH and she is no one to me!

DH called tonight re work stuff, I said I didnt understand him anymore and what the counsellor has said re breakdown and he agreed with her and I asked him if he will ever come to his senses re us he said he would come to his senses. I have to stop thinking along the lines of him ever coming back. I do hope I get there in the end.

Been on ADs now for 2 weeks, still have awful numb and sad feeling.

Hi romney, have been thinking of you today. Thought you would have a better time than anticipated.

I'm sorry to say this but I don't have much faith in your counsellor. She's absolutely right to say you have done nothing wrong in the relationship (I've never blamed myself) but it's all too common for counsellors to want to revert back to your childhood. This isn't about what behaviour you displayed, it's all about his actions. That doesn't revert back to your childhood. Your low self esteem and confidence have been caused by current events. I could, of course, be wrong, you may have told her things that lead her to that conclusion.

It concerns me that he is saying these things to you - is he saying what he thinks you want to hear? Is he saying he will come to his senses once he has had his fun?

Just something to think about.

Leaving for funeral tomorrow - dreading it. Have been bad this week but, as my counsellor said today, it is now a beareavement on top of a bereavement. One for the lost relationship and one for the lost life. Not much fun at the moment is it? Sorry not to be very positive tonight.

Good luck for tom, it will be a hard day for you and will have definitely have knocked you back a few steps. I hope the journey isn't too difficult either with ExDH, hopefully you will see him in a different light. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

I had a lovely childhood and can't think that I have brought any negative behaviors to my adult life???

On him saying what he is, I really don't know, I think I give up with life at the moment, I wish my thoughts would go on strike, counsellor also said my thoughts are not helping me but torturing me, now that is true.

Thank you for your kind thoughts. It has knocked me back but I am strong, I will cope with this just as I do with my failing health, I will survive! Too young to be so ill!

That proves my point about your counsellor, you had a lovely childhood so it doesn't stem from there.

The thinking mind is incredibly powerful and the secret is to learn to switch it off. The thinking mind is not who we are, it is not where our spark or creativity or our true self is held, it is merely what we think. Have said this before, 60,000 thoughts a day, 95% the same as yesterday and 80% negative. Can't remember the exact figures but it's about that.

Your counsellor said your thoughts are not helping you but torturing you but did she tell you how to deal with them?

Don't give up on life, it's crap right now but will get better.

Karmann - I hope yesterday went as well as can be expected and that the journey up to Liverpool wasnt too difficult. I was thinking about you.

DH rang today, he can see he has really cocked his life up (and mine) he has got problems at work re affair. When talking about finances he said he owes OW nothing, which I was surprised about. I also asked him if he is happy with his choice now, and he said no I am not happy, how can I be with what I have done to you. He is going away next week for a week to his mums, I asked what the OW was going to do while he was away and he said, I dont know.

I know I should still not be talking to him and I know I am making things difficult for myself, but I cant help it, I still love him.

Just wrote a long piece for you and lost the lot! Have to start again now.

It may be an odd thing to say but the funeral was a happy one! There were so many people there wasn't enough room in the chapel for them. There was a lot of laughter during the ceremony and it was a fitting tribute to a lovely funny man.

The journey up there was good, full of chat and laughter just like it was before all this mess. It's left me feeling a bit confused and frustrated that he can't (or won't) see how it could be if he were prepared to try. He's a fool.

It's interesting that your DH said he's not happy because of what he's done to you, mine said that too. I think that on discovery the excitement of the affair is broken and reality kicks in. They then have to witness the fall out and a lot of them can't cope with it, they simply cannot face what they have done. There are some that are willing to put the effort in to rebuild and there are those that become stuck. Fight or flight.

Don't beat yourself up about talking to him. Look at it this way, if you don't talk to him you will be unable to move on either way. It's natural for you to want the communication and very difficult to just shut the door. I don't believe there is a should or shouldn't, you have to do what's right for you. There have been things I have said and done that I thought I 'shouldn't' do but accept it's how I felt at the time.

He's been very supportive of me over the last few weeks and is continuing to support me over practical issues. I think he's doing it out of friendship/guilt and I recognise that I am in danger of reading too much into it but the difference is that I can cope with that. I too still love him but I am determined to get on with rebuilding my life. I'm certainly not going to wait for him. The next step for me is to start distancing myself a bit, I feel at the moment that I am fine as long as there is contact with him, I need to start letting go and get him out of my mind.

Romney have you given any thought to what I said downthread about speeding up this process and giving your H a time limit? It sounds as though he is moving towards regret, although it is equally possible that he isn't feeling regret at all and doesn't want to burn all his boats quite yet.

What I had in mind was to give him a month to end things and then ask him to live on his own for a while - certainly not to have him back living with you. And make no promises either, because he would need to believe that he has to win you back.

At the moment, he is tantalising you with hope and it is all about him and how dreadful he feels, when the solution has always been in his hands. That is not fair to you, so I'd be inclined to give a time-frame, during which there will be no contact. You've got no DCs together, have you? Therefore, there is absolutely no need to have contact with him at all.

It will be tough and we will hold your hand, but it might need some pain to achieve a gain here.

WWIFN - Thank you for your post, he knows that at the moment I would have him back, I did say when he was here last, when he said it still feels like home, I told him that it could still be his home.

I heard some news today re work, OW has now gone off with stress and I think he will probably feel responsible for career problems (shes a high flyer), so I dont think there is anyway that he would leave her at the moment. I think it has all blown up in his face now, which is probably why he said yesterday that he has really cocked up. Even with what he has done to me I still feel sorry for him, he said he wasnt eating or sleeping. And yes I know its all his own doing. Goodness why is life so difficult, I dont need to be worrying about DH as well as trying to get over him. I need a magic wand.

Karmann - pleased wednesday went well considering it was a funeral, and I hope you are not too confused re your DH being good to you.

Ah the "stress ruse"? I've heard of a fair few OW pulling this one out of the bag when it looked like the relationship was unravelling. I've even heard of some pretending to have a terminal illness...

Well I'm sorry to hear all of that Romney and sorry too, that he is still using you as a sounding board for his problems and that you are feeling sorry for him.

All the while you aren't angry with him and showing him that you're getting on with your life and might never have him back, he will continue in this vein, I'm afraid.

Thanks WWIFN, I know your probably right, but I dont feel I can abandon him now (I know he didnt think about me when he abandoned me, but surely that makes me a better person or stupid Im not sure!) He really is in a big mess at the moment and I think I am getting to the stage where although I had hoped he would come back, I know that isnt going to happen.

I also wish I could do what you are suggesting, but I am just not strong enough to do it, its only 2 months since he made his decision. When I asked my counsellor about getting angry, she said I might never get to the anger stage, maybe Im just too passive.

Romney

Sorry youre gong thru this. I would too echo WWIFN and say that OWs have done every trick in the book to keep their man when they sense it all slipping away.

Im further down the line with an H who went off too with a very high flyer and found it very hard to cope with at first.

My advice would be that I wish I had put more boundaries in to protect my self and get what I wanted earlier. I have realised now that it creates more respect from the errant spouse and is so much healthier for ones self. In my book it is ok to realise that the errant spouse may be having a hard time - if they are in complete crisis this is a horrible place to be. But they made the choice to betray and behave shockingly in this situation. They could have chosen otherwise.

So yes I think it is ok to be kind and say you realise they are having a tough time. But you should be strong in that their behaviour and continuing behaviour is not acceptable - and if contact with them is unhealthy for you - you should seriously restrict it or stop it. And suggest where he can get support elsewhere like going into individual counselling and sorting himself out.

Karmann I hope you are having a good weekend, and you are in good spirits.

Im feeling lonely today, my sister is still in Florida so I was thinking I wouldnt speak to anyone today. Luckily I saw a dog walker this morning and then had a call out so havent been as lonely as I thought I would be. Back to work tomorrow, actually dont mind working on a Sunday now DH has left.

Hi Romney, so sorry to hear you are feeling lonely today, I'm not too keen on Saturdays but have been ok today. I spent 3 hours cleaning his van - I must be mad!

I went out last night to see a Rockabilly band, am going out for a meal with a friend tonight, my DD is coming over during the day tomorrow and he is coming for dinner tomorrow night! I sound busy but there are lonely hours inbetween so I do know how you feel.

My mum's very down today, the loss of her nephew is hitting her quite hard so we've all been phoning her. My sister sent us all an SOS text to get in touch with mum to cheer her up.

I don't know how to contact people but if you can work it out you are welcome to get in touch with me direct. Hate to think of you not having anyone to talk to.

Karmann pleased your having a busy and enjoyable weekend. Thanks for all your kindness.

I haven't read every single post, but I do think that in order to win him back, if you want that, you need to withdraw so he can actually feel the pain of losing you.

I don't underestimate your grief, but if you act like a doormat you will be treated like one.

As long as you keep an open door- literally and in your heatr- he will dither. He sounds weak and you are allowing him to be weak. Why not change your behaviour and see what effect that has?

There is a line- if you keep repeating the same behaviour, you will keep getting the same results.

Think on it.

trying - I did have no contact for a month and it didnt make any difference, he did as I asked and didnt call or come to see me.

During this time I found it very hard to cope, as much as I would love him to come back, I tried for those 4 weeks when he moved in with OW and it didnt bring him to his senses, regarding missing me and leaving her to come back.

I dont feel anything I do will get the results I so want. I have to admit to myself that he isnt coming back and get on with trying to heal myself. I appreciate your post and advice, I just wish I was a stronger person, thank you again.

I know you had no contact before, but things have changed from what you say- OW is stressed so it doesn't sound as if it's working out.

When you did NC before it was too soon.
Now it may be different.

In any case don't you need NC for your own sanity? If you try this it might be win-win.

He might come back and if not, then you start to heal.