WWIFN - My Affair Story

[romneymarsh]

WWIFN, you thought it would be helpful for me to tell my story so here it is, Im still really struggling with what has happened and really dont know what to do to help myself, I dont feel strong and think I am lingering trying to make sense of it all.

My DH and I have been together for 12 years. On 21st June 2010 my life fell apart, I discovered my DH had been having an affair with a co worker since Dec 2009. I found out when I went to surprise him whilst he was away on a course to take him out for dinner and found he was actually on holiday with the OW.

Our relationship had always been amazing or so I thought, we talked, we loved, we laughed and we had a great friendship. It was love at first sight and we had a lovely life. We have so much in common and I thought we were soulmates. I probably loved too much, I had been married before and didnt want to make any of the mistakes my previous husband highlighted when our marriage ended eg lack of love and our love life etc.

When he came back from his holiday he moved straight in with a friend, he went to counseling and found that he had some problems, some which stemmed from his childhood which he hasnt dealt with. He couldnt pin point why he had allowed the affair to happen even after the counseling, although he did say that he thought he was infatuated with her and not sure that it was love, obviously it was love because he chose her. He said he was flattered by her attention, she had been having a bad time in her life and he had listened, talked and tried to help her with her problems.

He chose OW and has now moved in with her (although he wont admit to this). I have had to go no contact for my sanity as he was coming to see me weekly, still kissing me and hugging me, wanting to stay friends, as he has always said I was the best friend he has ever had. But his visits were making me feel so desperate and ill. During this time he was also still telling me that he loved me and always would and please can I forgive him.

As some of you will know from another thread I havent moved on that well, and am still in denial and have not yet reached the anger stage yet (please let it come soon, although I do feel hate for him for what he has done to me on occasions). I think part of the reason I am finding it so hard to move on with life is because he sent me two letters telling me that he will always love me, and that I was a wonderful person etc, I know words are cheap but I did believe him or maybe I just want to believe him. I also know this is probably to make him feel better and less guilty.

I went away for a long weekend but I really didnt enjoy it or really have a good time as all I could think about was DH and my lovely trips away over the years. I am thinking maybe I need to go back to the doctors and ask for more help as I am still not coping.

My only hope is that one day he regrets that he threw away a really good relationship and also that his new relationship doesnt work out. Maybe Im just a mean person.

I really appreciate all the advice and support from Mumsnet and especially Karmann for all your support.

Thank you, he is very stressed too, he is supposed to be going away next week without OW, he could be lying to me, but I would like to believe him. I will leave him to cope with his problems on his own, I won't contact him.

Hi romney. Just checking in to see how you are.

You're stronger than you think you are. Just because you are so upset it doesn't mean you're weak, it means your human and you're going through a hard time.

I do think that right now you must leave him to cope with his own problems. He created this mess and it's not your job to pick him up - you need to concentrate solely on you. I know that may sound a bit harsh but I'm guessing your nature is very much like mine -always looking after everyone else. It's vital that we extend that care to ourselves, as hard as it is to do when you're so used to looking after others.

Karmann - thanks for checking up on me.

I have been feeling a bit down tonight, he told me he was going to stay at his mums this week and his sisters next week, he offered this to me when he phoned me last week, he had no need to tell me that he was going to stay with them but now I think it was all just a further lie, his sister didnt know anything about it when she called tonight but said maybe he just hasnt let her know yet!! I dont understand why he has to carry on lying.

Also started looking at a new website, called "runaway husbands" there is also a book by the same name by Vikki Stark, it made depressing reading, but I will read the book and reserve my judgment until I have started the book.

Have a good day tomorrow, I have a check up at the Doctors re ADs and then counselling tomorrow eve busy day.

Hi romney, sorry for not responding sooner.

Time will tell if his latest offering of information turns out to be true. He will appear very stupid if it turns out not to be. I sometimes think they offer information to prove themselves in some way but then they have also got into a pattern of lying. My 'ex', on the other hand, offers no personal information at all but then he's always been like that.

Not sure it's such a good idea to read books that make depressing reading at the moment! Maybe when you feel a little stronger you will find some self healing or understanding from some books. I've just read 'Women Who Love Too Much'. I read it as a third party as I couldn't apply a lot of it to myself but there were bits and pieces I could relate to. The next one I'm going to read is 'Co-Dependant No More'.

I hope your counselling went well and that it is doing you some good.

Thinking of you.

Hi Karmann - counselling was better this week only got two more sessions through work. She said the only way for me to move on is to give up hope. Im not sure I can do that yet, so am going to prolong my agony.

DH rang today as we had to sort some legal stuff out, I asked him if he is really truly in love with the OW, he answered No I dont think I do, so obviously I asked why he is doing what he is, and he said I have made my bed and I have to lie on it for the time being!! He also still insists that he cares about me and still loves me, my goodness what on earth is going on in his head and obviously in my head. I also said a friend thinks that one day our paths will cross again and he sent me a text saying I hope our paths will always be visible. Whatever that means. He also told me that things are very difficult at the moment between him and OW because of all the things that are going on at the moment with life and work. I know I shouldnt talk to him about these things and thats it now, I have to stop and will before anyone moans at me. I am weak and still have hope, Im sorry if I annoy anyone.

Have a good weekend Karmann, I am luckly working both saturday and sunday which is good as I hate weekends at the moment feel so lonely.

I'm not sure I'm happy with your counsellor saying that! In some circumstances, hope is not something we choose to have, it's a feeling we have and, as you heal, it will fade naturally. I don't believe it is something you can just switch off at the moment.

I think your H is very confused. He may well have made his bed but he is choosing to lie in it. I'm not surprised to hear that he still cares for you and loves you, that again is a feeling that doesn't just switch off but to us it's one we find hard to understand. We think 'If he still feels like that about me why is he doing what he is doing?' He's being very unfair to you saying these things

I think for your own sanity it is best that you don't talk to him about these things but I promise I will never moan at you. You're not weak, you have a million questions going round in your head and you feel only he can answer them. He doesn't have the answers because he doesn't know himself.

I'm not too keen on weekends myself but as time goes by it's starting to get better - and it will for you too.

As I've said before, I don't know how you contact people in RL from here but I would like to feel that you can get in touch with me when you're feeling down (although of course I do understand if you'd rather not). I'm a good listener and would be happy to help if I can.

Karmann and Romney all you have to do to contact eachother safely is to press the "message poster" link attached to the person's post. You will then receive a private message (PM) that no-one else will see. It will show up in your PC's inbox that you have received a message.

Romney it's obvious that your H is a "rescuer" and a sucker for a damsel in distress. I'd be astonished if this didn't come out in the counselling. Did you ever see that article that I often link to, from Psychology today, by Dr. Frank Pittman? If not, I'll link it for you.

Because your H is like this and weak too, he can pretend to himself that he is at heart a nice, good person because he won't walk out on an OW who appears to need his help, but he'd rather not confront how it it was possible to deceive and walk out on the woman he was meant to be committed to and really needed his loyalty.

His "kindness" to you and using you as a sounding board for his problems also allows him to pretend that he is a nice man who is just terribly conflicted. He would flinch from being more accurately described as cruel, weak and controlling.

Karmann is right about the counsellor. You cannot give up hope by deciding that you will and that has to be a gradual process based on the evidence before your eyes. I'm not surprised your hope is there, because your spineless H keeps dangling it like a carrot and you are only human and respond to it.

If you can afford to, it really might be worth finding another counsellor.

WWIFN - I dont think I have seen the Psychology today article although I have read his book Private Lies, which I found a great help in understanding the type of affair DH has had according to Pitman a Romantic Affair.

The counsellor did point out he is a rescuer and likes to save people, which is what he thinks he has done with OW who is young enough to be his daughter. When I asked him in the beginning why he had allowed himself to have the affair he told me "I saved her". He still insists that he never intended to leave me, and cant answer the question why he did leave.

I think I am actually getting to the stage of knowing that there is no point for me to ask any questions anymore, as he cant answer any of them.

I do appreciate you taking time to post, and I know I must really frustrate you that I am not helping myself but I am still so in love with this cruel man who has betrayed me, I only hope that time is my healer.

Karmann - thank you as always for your continued support, I have sent you my email address, so I can get your phone no and then hopefully get to talk in RL. You should find it in your Inbox at the top of the page.

Have sent you my number. Let me know if you didn't receive it.

Karmann haven't received it yet I'll pm you again just in case I wrote it out wrong. Thanks again