WWIFN - My Affair Story

[romneymarsh]

WWIFN, you thought it would be helpful for me to tell my story so here it is, Im still really struggling with what has happened and really dont know what to do to help myself, I dont feel strong and think I am lingering trying to make sense of it all.

My DH and I have been together for 12 years. On 21st June 2010 my life fell apart, I discovered my DH had been having an affair with a co worker since Dec 2009. I found out when I went to surprise him whilst he was away on a course to take him out for dinner and found he was actually on holiday with the OW.

Our relationship had always been amazing or so I thought, we talked, we loved, we laughed and we had a great friendship. It was love at first sight and we had a lovely life. We have so much in common and I thought we were soulmates. I probably loved too much, I had been married before and didnt want to make any of the mistakes my previous husband highlighted when our marriage ended eg lack of love and our love life etc.

When he came back from his holiday he moved straight in with a friend, he went to counseling and found that he had some problems, some which stemmed from his childhood which he hasnt dealt with. He couldnt pin point why he had allowed the affair to happen even after the counseling, although he did say that he thought he was infatuated with her and not sure that it was love, obviously it was love because he chose her. He said he was flattered by her attention, she had been having a bad time in her life and he had listened, talked and tried to help her with her problems.

He chose OW and has now moved in with her (although he wont admit to this). I have had to go no contact for my sanity as he was coming to see me weekly, still kissing me and hugging me, wanting to stay friends, as he has always said I was the best friend he has ever had. But his visits were making me feel so desperate and ill. During this time he was also still telling me that he loved me and always would and please can I forgive him.

As some of you will know from another thread I havent moved on that well, and am still in denial and have not yet reached the anger stage yet (please let it come soon, although I do feel hate for him for what he has done to me on occasions). I think part of the reason I am finding it so hard to move on with life is because he sent me two letters telling me that he will always love me, and that I was a wonderful person etc, I know words are cheap but I did believe him or maybe I just want to believe him. I also know this is probably to make him feel better and less guilty.

I went away for a long weekend but I really didnt enjoy it or really have a good time as all I could think about was DH and my lovely trips away over the years. I am thinking maybe I need to go back to the doctors and ask for more help as I am still not coping.

My only hope is that one day he regrets that he threw away a really good relationship and also that his new relationship doesnt work out. Maybe Im just a mean person.

I really appreciate all the advice and support from Mumsnet and especially Karmann for all your support.

Romney, I'm going through it too and like you I'm 3 months post discovery. I truly know how you feel. I'm starting to lose respect for my xp. I still love him (I think?) but I can't see what's to like about him. We have a 9 year old ds and I have dd(23) and ds(21) from my first marriage. I took the older two to New York last week and we had the best time ever. I barely thought about xp and I've come back with new and special memories that have nothing to do with him. It's made me realise that my life can be better without him in it. Some days are better than others and you just can't rush it.

Thanks littlecritter, I'm pleased you had a good weekend in New York. You seem to be coping a lot better than I am, well done. I just feel all consumed by sadness. When I think of my H I feel he is not the person I thought I knew, I know he is a very confused man but that's not my problem, I have to try and mend my broken heart and that's what I'm finding hard. All the lies and deceit are so hard to stomach and they just flash around in my brain almost constantly, during the day and at night. I then obsess at what they are doing, what OW is like etc. I just feel a hopeless case at the moment and really hope the anger or next stage sets in soon as I can't stay in this place for much longer it's destroying me!

Hi Romney. Have you tried writing your thoughts down? I found it a great help to get the thoughts out of my head and on to paper. I'm also still seeing a counsellor which I would highly recommend.

As you can see, there are many women here who are at varying stages of what you are going through. It's tough, it's painful, it hurts but it does get better. You won't stay in this place forever but recovery doesn't happen overnight. A fast forward button would be a blessing but unfortunately it doesn't exist.

When this first happened to me a very dear friend said to me to take an hour at a time. His long term girlfriend had left him and he said gradually you find you hadn't thought about it for an hour and then that hour turns into two hours.

There are so many emotions attached to betrayal and they can be all consuming and, at times, confusing. The mind is a very powerful thing and it is very very hard to switch it off but it is possible. I know it's difficult, I still struggle sometimes, but try doing something that will take your mind off it, even for a short time.

I will confess to him being on my mind alot and to feeling a sadness that it's ended and I can't do anything about it, but on the whole I am ok - and you will be too.

Thinking of you.

Yes, I feel very sad too. But the thing that keeps me going is stepping outside the situation and imagining I am an onlooker. Who is the better person? Who has the brightest future? Me, of course! You, Karmann, myself and all the others going through this don't deserve it. We deserve much better. And I don't think that in a self-pitying way. I really believe there are better things out there for us.

Karmann, hope you had a good weekend.

On friday night I found out that OW had been on a course with one of my work colleagues, so he was telling me about his week with her, I literally felt as if my blood with draining from my body, so that set my weekend off to a bad start. Didnt help with my obsessing about her.

I have today managed to get a date for my counselling, I hope the counsellor can help me as I really do need some help. Also going to try and see the GP this week for some AD's (although I know this will be a battle as they didn't want to give me anything when I went last time only sign me off work), feel such a failure as I have had some bad times in my life before but managed with no help.

Hi Romney. Did have a good weekend thanks but still got too much time to fill. Need to find some motivation from somewhere.

That must have been an awful shock for you - was that purely a coincidence that your colleague had been on a course with her? The obsessing is awful but it does get less and less as time goes by.

I had one of those heart stopping moments yesterday when I looked out of the bedroom window and he was in the garden next door doing some repairs. It's horrible how it gets you. It happened again today when I came face to face with his daughter for the first time since it happened.

I'm so pleased you have managed to sort out some counselling, I'm sure it will help. What I did when I first started was to tell the counsellor what I wanted to achieve. It's a slow process, just as all of this is, but it really is helpful.

I do hope you manage to get some ADs, just to get you through this patch.

You're by no means a failure, someone has failed you. Although you have experienced some bad times you never know how you will react to certain situations and this one has hit you hard and there's nothing wrong with seeking help.

I know it's slow and painful but you are doing the right things which will, in turn, lead you out of the black hole.

How are you doing Romney?

Hi Karmann, thank you for your continued support, I managed to get some ADs from my GP so hopefully they will help.

I went to my first counselling session this afternoon, I will make a judgment on that after a few sessions, going back on Monday. Counsellor asked what I want to gain from my sessions, and I cant really answer that as I want a magic wand to make everything better. I just want to be able to cope and try to understand the lies, deceit and betrayal from the one person you thought you could rely on, seems a tall order at the moment.

I had to speak to DH today regarding house and a few other things (he hasnt got an email address at the moment), just kept it the point, very civilised.

Romney I am so sorry this had happened to you.
None of us really know what is around the corner.

You may NEVER actually understand any of it

This is kind of depressing. I am living in an Asian country and found out my husband has been having an affair with an older asian woman for 3 years. I know how you are feeling. There are days when I just do not want to get out of bed. My eyes are so swollen from the crying. He is genuinely sorry and wants things to work, but it doesn't take away the images of them having been in our house together, of what they were doing, of the dirty little text messages I discovered. Of what she said when she was on the phone and thought it was him. There has been lots of talking, it seems she was on the hunt for security and used emotional blackmail to keep him seeing her... she was' depressed and wanted to jump off a bridge' Everything I know and believe says I should leave him, yet I do love him. And there are children involved. I guess for me, I have noone except a counsellor to talk to here. I don't feel it is something I can share with my family.

Romney, I know what you mean by just wanting to be able to cope and try to understand the lies, deceit, betrayal from your best friend. He was my best friend, I loved him with all of my heart and did nothing to deserve this. 2 weeks down....

Ronah, I'm so sorry your having to go through this awful betrayal too. Sorry to say also you have a long way to go. At least your DH wants to try, so the choice is yours whether you want or have the mindset to forgive him and get your marriage back on track.

It is a case of taking one hour at a time and then one day at a time to get through this. Keep posting on mumsnet for support, the ladies on here have been a life saver for me, especially karmann and wwifn, a lot of them have been through this and when they say it's time it is true, I just wish I could move the time along quicker! Also search on some of the old posts, there is so much good advice on here, but that said I still struggle daily for understanding that I may never get.

Romney, do you feel any anger? Right from the word go I felt immense anger and outrage largely because xp and ow involved my children (ow was a family friend). That sickened me, still does, but it has helped me move on. I truly believe that I am better off without him. It's difficult because I still find him physically attractive and I enjoy his company on a superficial level but the thought of having him back makes my heart sink.

When you find yourself obsessing about what he's doing etc make a really conscious effort to block those thoughts. Replace them with something intersting or funny. My father said some hilarious things on his deathbed and it was a time when we were very close so I think about that. It was a very emotional time for me and easily pushes thoughts of xp straight to the back of my head. Keep trying it, it works eventually.

Hi Romney. It may not feel like it at the moment but you are definately moving in the right direction, I'm starting to see a change in you. You did well keeping your conversation to the point and civil, not easy to do when you are in such turmoil, so well done to you.

The 'why' and 'how could you' questions seem to have no answer. It's incredibly frustrating and I don't think we can ever really understand it fully. It's also interesting to see here that there are three situations resulting from this yet we all feel the same. Some have stayed together, some have left for the OW and some have just split. Whatever the result, the process is the same and the feelings are the same. Believe me, if he had stayed you wouldn't be doing the dance of joy.

I'm pleased you've been able to get ADs and have started counselling. Nothing is a quick fix here so stick with it and you'll get there and others will be here to support you.

Its still early days here. I feel sooo much anger and sadness. Sadness that he could actually just forget about me for 3 years. Not think about me or the children or how it would effect us. Anger that a body of a western women could never match that of a petite asian who has never had children. How dear he. He even continued the relationship by text and phone despite the fact we were away from the country for 18 months, having just returned recently which is when I found out. But is relentlessly saying he wanted her to disappear, just didn't have the guts to say go! Or when she said she was sad and wanted to jump off a building say 'do it'... how gullible are men? Emotional blackmail. He never said he loved her he never suggested a commitment, but she dug her claws in. In asian culture it is not acceptable to be unmarried, particularly at her age, and the western male is the preferred catch so they go after them. I guess a married man suggests potential stability if she can seduce him away. All phone numbers have changed but she is still calling him at work, he is hanging up.
I am trying to think of other things, but maybe it is still too soon. His admissions to start were pathetic and the full reality came out 2 weeks after when I thought things were beginning to get better after the the first admission.

It is frustrating that all we want are why and how answers, and I can't ever see they will be forthcoming or if they even know what the answers are.

oh and brain is not quite here for spelling sorry, of course i meant How dare he !

LC - I still havent reached the anger stage with DH, but seem to be channeling all my anger at OW, I know that isnt right as they are 50/50 to blame, but I am still so angry with her!

I know I may never find out the reasons why and how, even the counsellor seemed to think I should have some answers, but I know that he cant tell me as he doesnt have the answers himself as he is so confused.

Ronah - sounds like you are going to have a lot of trouble shaking off the OW! That would be very worrying. 18months and he was still in contact with her and it all started up again when you returned, that is awful! How did he meet her? Was it someone he met through work?

Through an event he was at, gave her his business card and she contacted him after 'for lunch'. Unfortunately he was working here without us at the time as we were not in a position to move at the same time. I did say if she says what building she is going to jump from let me know and I will push her.
I suppose my positive if I am looking through all the fog is that he still wants to be here.

Karmann hope you have a good weekend, are you doing anything?

I actually booked my flights last night to take my DC away for that break they have been looking forward to with my sister and her family. Still not really wanting to go but will have to grin and bare it.

Was thinking about a chat I had with DH a while back (affraid that's what my mind does when I can't sleep, yet another bad nights sleep) he still hasn't told his mum, step dad or brother that he has left and only his sisters know but he hasn't told them he is living with the OW! Why is he being so secretive? I know I shouldn't bother myself with these thoughts but I'm still trying to analyse everything.

Hello romney you've just joined a support thread I am on, so I camne across to read your back story. I'm so sorry to read yours and the way your H has treated you.

I separated last October from my H but wanted to work things out right up until March/ April time until I realised the affair had never ended and he couldn't choose between us.

Keep talking and sharing on here. I'm not sure I've ever come across Karmann before but she is giving great advice and her posts are so compassionate. I'm so glad you've been able to share with each other.

I'm off out this morning for some mum and daughter time but I'll check in later again x

I had a very good relationship with my FIL and told him the truth very early on. I am glad I did and it helped a lot. However every persons situation is different and you have to trust your gut instincts on if that is right for your situation or not ((hugs))

Telling people makes them have to face up to what they have done and my H was ashamed, so he kept hiding the truth from everyone, even his best friend. In the end I gently and carefully told selected people a little of what was going on. For me that was the right choice but it depends on the people.

Karmann, hope you are having a good weekend, I went to a wedding reception last night, I really didnt want to go. Its hard to see couples at the moment without feeling resentment, im sure that will diminish in time.

Back for 2nd counselling tomorrow, I really hope it will help me sort myself out.

So much to get ready for Miami on Tues, still dont want to go, but I will do the right thing for my DC, but I know I am going to be tearful as I have been today, hopefully day by day the AD will start to work.

Hi Romney, sorry I haven't been around. I've been on a mercy mission this weekend to Liverpool (250 miles from me) to see my cousin, he's only got days left to live. I'm glad I went but it was so sad to see him in such a state.

You're doing really well. The holiday you have planned will bring you a mixture of joy and sadness but you will be making lovely new memories with your DC.

You did well to go to the wedding reception. Funny how we only see 'happy' couples when we are alone, it's the mind playing tricks on us.

I know what you mean about conversations going round in your head - I'm brilliant at reading into things that aren't there! It does reduce with time and you are on the right road. Don't expect too much of yourself and accept how you are feeling, I know it's difficult but you are doing well, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Hope the counselling helps, let me know how it goes.

Thinking of you.

Romney our other thread is full here is the link to the new one

Thanks Karmann, Ive done the Liverpool trip a few times as my DD went to Uni there, it must have been a very hard and distressing trip for you.

I spoke to a couple of friends this evening and they both think I sound a lot better, but I certainly dont feel it and have had more tears today. I still cant stop loving him! I do hope that subsides in time.