He says his money is his money as he earns it, I don't have the right to question it??!!

[Mindovermatter]

Hello I have been lurking for sometime and never wanted to post before, but need help. My DH is breadwinner, im a SAHM. We fell out over a mobile phone bill (mine) which was high. The account is online and he refuses to let me look at it so I can understand why it is so high. He pays all bills. I feel I have to ask for money for hairdressers and such like. Im sad as I hate the way this makes me feel, I don't feel his equal. Please help?!

He won't allow you to access your own phone account???

That to me sounds absolutely appalling, even with the other money issues aside.

Did you ever discuss your expectations about money etc before becoming SAHM?

Is this man otherwise kind, loving and generous?

So many questions...

and you are with this controlling despot because ????

I'm always astounded by couples who get as far as sharing a home and DC but not finances.

DH is sole breadwinner and I am SAHM we are equal partners in our marriage - he couldn't do his job if I did not do mine

This is controlling behaviour and 100% not on.

Others with experience of this situation will be along soon to help out.

Well done for feeling brave enough to post about it.

I never leap on to relationship threads being overly hostile to Dps.

But this is totally ridiculous and totally unacceptable.

Did both of you agree that you would be a SAHM. If so what discussions did you have about money,
I would NVER have given up work had we not had joint accounts. (And half the house in my name. And an account of my own)

He sounds very controlling.

Perhaps you need to read the book COntrolling People by PAtricia Evans available at Amazon:

www.amazon.co.uk/Controlling-People-Recognize-Understand-Control/dp/158062569X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1284986776&sr=8-1

Sounds like he is using money to make your marriage inequal. What other rights is he allowed that you are not?

It also sounds suspicious that the phone bill is high, he may have a life you know nothing about while he treats you as an unpaid servant.

Can you set up an arrangement with your DH so that even though it's his money coming in you pay the bills, do the shopping etc. As a SAHM myself this is how myself and the DH sort everything.

You could put to your DH that as he works so hard this will be one less thing for him to worry about.

Make sure you get the passwords for all your online accounts.

if he thinks you are saving him time and doing him a favour then he may be more inclined to agree.

I qill talk to him bout mobile account, never questioned before why im not allowed access to it?? He pays bill like I say. I object to being told off about high bill like im a naughty schoolgirl. :((

Before baby no naively we NEVER discussed money bar what bills needed paying, which like I said he pays.

DH can be loving and generous at times.
I don't earn my own money any more since baby etc. This is something clearly we should have discussed, can't think why we didn't??!!

Was it a joint decision for you to be a sahm?

Sorry forgot to mention WE DO NOT HAVE JOINT BANK ACCOUNTS EITHER!!!!! If shopping needs buying I have to "borrow" his debit card. Yes, your right, its very controlling, and I have put up with it so far....................I was working up to asking him to put money into my account for housekeeping say weekly or monthly. The only money I get is child benefit into my bank. He earns too much for working tax credit, so we can't get that!!!!

Asking you to account for a bill when you have it in front of you would be controlling enough, but this sounds a bit like Guantanamo Bay!

As a total aside, I never understand the whole 'sky high mobile phone bill' thing when most contracts let you phone and text as much as you like for a pre-agreed sum, my own is £20 a month, including fancy handset.

Could you organise your own contract and then at least know that you can phone and text as you please? In the modern world, it's a basic need/ right for any adult, I'd say.

This has financial abuse written all over it. You are not his chattel, you are the mother of his child and should be treated as an equal in what should be a partnership, not a master/slave dynamic.

You should put your foot down and insist on 50/50 sharing of everything. If he doesn't agree to that then it would be a very very bad sign for your future indeed.

Am very angry on your behalf OP.

Was he like this before you married him?

I don't understand why anyone stays with such a controlling person.

Plan A) Inform him you want a joint account for all wages and household expenses, to which you have equal access. And you want it now.

Plan B) Before you became a SAHM, how did your earnings compare to his? If you got a decent wage, tell him you're going back to work, charging the childcare to him and putting all your earnings into your own account.

If he responds to either suggestion with anything less than 100% enthusiasm and support, run, run, run for the hills. He has no respect for you.

Do not put up with this abusive, controlling behaviour for one more minute.

Yes, MorrisZapp makes a good point about bills.

Can I just add that I got my monthly contract reduced enormously by asking to be put through to the retentions department, and asking them for a contract with no phone. I simply could not believe how much money is thrown away on the phone: I saved £300 over an 18-month contract - more than enough to buy three handsets (DS is a coffee dunker) and still have made savings. My contract is £8 a month now, on T-Mobile. Please, please, everyone do this, as you seriously pay for these "free" contract phones!

Mindovermatter, your DH needs to give you control of your account in order to do this; tell him how much you will save, and he will leap at it. This is the thin end of the edge, and you can ram it in to get more and more control back over your own and your joint finances.

If you need more ideas about how to save money, which require you to manage things, go to moneysavingexpert (.com or.co.uk), subscribe to their e-mail and start researching. The Guardian's Money section (www.guardian.co.uk/money) is also very practical and will give you good ideas!

Good luck, and do keep posting. This sort of control is not on, but lots of people have faced this, and have tricks to share on getting out of this situation.

The thing is though, plu, no-one should be in a position where they have to resort to tricks to have any say in the management of the household budget.

No-one should ever be in control of the purse-strings to the point where the other has to ask for money, and gets abuse, interrogation and ridicule for doing so. That is not a partnership, it's a dictatorship and not acceptable.

AnnieLobeseder, I did compare the situation to Guantanamo Bay (see above)! So I reject the morality of the situation utterly. SAHMs and even lower-earning partners have the right not to be kept on a "short leash" while the higher earning parent swans about with the cash s/he "earns" (alone, apparently, without accounting for the money saved by the other partner).

As I didn't think that point needed any more establishing, I thought it would be helpful for Mindovermatter to have some practical routes, as well. Simply knowing about money and the understanding of the world that it can bring can really boost one's morale and make one see how doable these things are. And if Mindovermatter can spot ways in which her husband is wasting money (not being on a dual-fuel deal, for example), that will give her both the confidence and the material with which to confront him.

Mindovermatter, if he resists when you insist, there are other steps you can take.

This is horrendous!

You didn't think to discuss it because you assumed he was a halfway decent chap, who'd never dream of robbing you of all your independence & responsibility, yes? So for god's sake don't blame yourself! There's only one person in the wrong here.

It's going to be very hard for you to review your entire relationship whilst you're in this bind, so I'd recommend attacking the money thing first. Start by TELLING (not asking) him you're to have three bank accounts: one each for personal expenses, which will be equal, and one for all the household costs including DCs. Work this out and don't settle for any bullshit. If he then reneges on it, you'll have to start lying to get hold of some cash - and it will be his fault.

Don't ask. Tell

tell him to leave

stupid fucker

go to a solicotor

go to CAB financial planning people

go to council

get some facts and stop being a victim

what is this 1930's?

jesus OP! do something about it

you may find - with solicitors advice

that you get to stay in your home

he still has to pay the mortgage

and he might have to give you money for the child

and you wouldnt be living with a twat

OP could you ring the mobile phone company and tell them you have forgoten the password and ask them to reset it so you cansee the account. i know this isn't your main concern right now but at least you will be able to see why it is so high. would he have used it? is that why he isn't allowing you tp see the account?

Fair enough, plu, didn't notice the Gauntanamo bay comment was yours!

OP, you wrote: "I object to being told off about high bill like im a naughty schoolgirl :( "

This happened to me, very very early on in my last relationship. Like, a few months in. Unfortunately I was pregnant or I would have upped and left, I think. While I still had the spark and the confidence to realize what was happening was totally wrong.

I waited for almost three years for it to get better, it never did. I'll tell you why it probably won't in your situation as well: this kind of attitude in him is just a symptom, not the problem itself. It's a symptom of the kind of dismissive, 'you don't matter' mindset which sadly some men hold about women, and in my humble experience it very rarely goes away. It is very, very ingrained and difficult to shift that condescending, patronizing and downright offensive outlook. Usually, the ONLY way change is achieved is when the man has a kind of lightning bolt epiphany, and decides to change, completely off his own bat, and regardless of whether he has a partner or not or whether his wife agrees to stay with him. Just, he changes because he can see how totally unacceptable and demeaning such behaviour and attitudes are, and develops a horror and revulsion for his way of being - really WANTS to change, in other words. And most aren't like that/don't have that sudden insight, don't want to change.

So, by all means have 'the little chat', he may well get defensive and/or uncomprehending when he realizes you are trying to assert yourself and take an equal role in all aspects of your partnership - although frankly partnership isn't the best word to use really in this situation, because partners implies some equality and you aren't like that from the sound of it.
Talk to him, tell him - don't ask him, tell him - how you want things to be from now on. But I'm afraid it's likely he picked you or liked you in the first place because you're the nice, unassuming type who didn't think to complain when he didn't allow you access to your own phone bills or indeed any bills, and you may now be so ground down that you'll have trouble realizing what a tosser he's being, and that you should be wary and even consider getting out.
I hope you do realize, anyway. Because he sounds like a nightmare frankly, and in case it's not already apparent, I think his behaviour is way out of line and totally unreasonable.
Good luck :)