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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He says his money is his money as he earns it, I don't have the right to question it??!!

94 replies

Mindovermatter · 20/09/2010 13:42

Hello I have been lurking for sometime and never wanted to post before, but need help. My DH is breadwinner, im a SAHM. We fell out over a mobile phone bill (mine) which was high. The account is online and he refuses to let me look at it so I can understand why it is so high. He pays all bills. I feel I have to ask for money for hairdressers and such like. Im sad as I hate the way this makes me feel, I don't feel his equal. Please help?!

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 20/09/2010 15:15

If you do go to the CAB and/or a solicitor, you may be astounded to hear that when you are married, the assets are held in common. This means that everything is yours just as much as it is his. Were you to divorce him, the court starts from the expectation of a 50-50 split of assets and then awards a greater or lesser amount depending on circumstances. As a SAHM with no earnings or savings of your own, you'd get a good bit more than half.

It would be very interesting to research this and then to say to him matter-of-factly, "Do you know, if we were to divorce I would get x% of the house, car and investments, and you would pay £x per month child maintenance until the DCs are 18, plus spousal maintenance of £x for the next x months?"

Should concentrate his mind wonderfully.

Alouiseg · 20/09/2010 15:19

Id like to come and have the conversation with him, what an absolute tosser.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 15:23

yes, me too

not the tosser bit, the conversation bit

Original poster

Mindovermatter · 20/09/2010 15:46

The reason the mobile account is in his name is because I have a bad credit so therefore can't get a contrI was pregnant for safety reasons and so I always have a phone to use in emergencies etc. Before I had a pay as you go, my use was roughly around £40 per month!! Before I had baby and we married I was on very low wage, temping and therefore didnt have a job to go back to after baby was born. Apart from money issues marriage is good, but in real danger of ruining otherwise good relationship. He helps with baby and does a few chores to help me, is great Dad. I think some of problems stem from his last relationship where his ex fleeced his bank account, so he is very fearful regarding money, control is how he copes.

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 20/09/2010 15:52

Don't make excuses for him, get it sorted!

IseeGraceAhead · 20/09/2010 15:52

Did she fleece him? Or did she have to steal the money to get away, due to his over-controlling the finances? Maybe she simply got what she was entitled to, and he resents it. Even if she did rip him off, you are a completely separate individual - he ought to be viewing his marriage with you as a healthy, balanced & supportive relationship. Not punishing you for the perceived sins of his ex.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 15:56

"helps" with his own child

does a few chores "to help you"

"control is how copes"...does that include controlling other human beings?

because human beings don't often take kindly to being controlled

growing children, developing a life and personality of their own definitely do not

Op, you are in a huge amount of denial here, and unless you want to spend the next 40 years of married life as a subordinate of your husband, I see some very, very bad times ahead for you and your children

Original poster

Mindovermatter · 20/09/2010 16:02

The house and car are mine and paid for already, so I guess you could dsay im cash poor but capital rich, lol. He rents his flat out to tennants to pay it off. He drives my car to work, we can't afford to run two cars anymore, so we share car. I don't wish to divorce, im looking for solutions.

OP posts:

flowerybeanbag · 20/09/2010 16:04

I never understood the concept of men 'helping' with their own baby. Especially when this is seen as a good thing.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 16:04

MOM...if you married, your house and car are counted as joint assets in the event of divorce and would go into the "pot" to be divided

just like "his" flat etc

you are really not listening are you ?

Anniegetyourgun · 20/09/2010 16:06

No, no excuses. If it is anything to do with being ripped off in the past, he's seriously over-reacting. Supposing his ex stole every penny he had, that's no excuse for not paying regular housekeeping into his present wife's account, rather than making her beg to get her hair done. Nor to refuse permission to look at her own mobile phone bill. That's not protecting himself, it's control-freakery.

Does anyone else start to get their backs up when they hear "he's a great Dad"? Sorry, but it's one of those phrases which always comes with an undertone of "I've got to say something nice about him".

BrandyAlexander · 20/09/2010 16:07

This really comes down to what and how you and he both define marriage. I see it as a partnership that is equal in all respects, including finances. I wouldn't dream of being in a relationship where I was the lesser partner, but it really comes down how to you BOTH view the ground rules of your marriage. If this is not acceptable to you, then stamp it out now and have a proper conversation about finances, because it won't get any better.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 16:10

of course Annie

"but he's a great dad" has become MN speak for the abusive man, hasn't it

like a "great dad" would humiliate and belittle the mother of his children in this god-awful way....

Saltatrix · 20/09/2010 16:10

My suggestion is that you talk to him about this inform on how the lack of funds and having to ask for money makes you feel. We here cannot truly know the full situation and I am sure many have seen red so cannot understand why you are with him.

I don't know much about his past relationship's maybe she used his money to get away or really did just fleece him this happens. Despite his reservations and suspiciousness based on past relationships you have to make sure he gets in his head that you are not his Ex.

ShinyAndNew · 20/09/2010 16:10

Dh recently told me that if I left my job (I might have to leave soon, due to childcare issues, we are arguing a lot about this) and didn't get another one straight away then he wouldn't 'give' me any money, inc. none of the child tax credits. This went down like a lead balloon and I now have his debit card and the bank card to access the TC despite not yet being out of work.

You don't have to put up with this. Just tell him calmly and plainly "I am your equal, this is a partnership and it's not your money it's our money. Either I get access to it or I leave and contact the CSA who will get access to it for me. Your choice."

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 16:13

shiny...on what basis was your partner considering with-holding money from you ?

and why don't you have joint cards ?

and why just access to tax credits...why not access to his salary ?

< shakes head in confusion >

PerArduaAdNauseum · 20/09/2010 16:13

Charge him rent for the house and the car then - they're 'yours', as much as 'his' wages are 'his'. Maybe this might make him see that you have already contibuted financially?

But really - google 'financial abuse'.

What do you do when you want to go for a coffee with friends?

horsefly · 20/09/2010 16:14

Actually, if you own the house and the car "he" drives, he is "fleecing" you to some extent.

I am in a similar situation to you re the phone. I use my DH's old phone and I have to ask him to put credit on it, as I'm a SAHM mum too, but we do have a joint bank account. He alternates between saying I'm a spendthrift or I'm very mean, usally infront of an audience (his family or DC), when my spending patterns are constant.

It really sucks doesn't it.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 20/09/2010 16:14

Oh, and if he's earning more than the Working Tax Credits ceiling and not paying mortgage, why on earth can't he afford a car?

There's something else going on here.

wannabesybil · 20/09/2010 16:17

Is the child benefit in your name?

If it is not then you are not getting credits towards your pension. If it is then it needs to be going into an account with your name on in order to rebuild your credit.

You can open a basic bank account at somewhere like the Co-op and start rebuilding your credit rating there.

I hope this all works out for you.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 16:17

hf...you can put your own credit on your own phone, online

you don't have to rely on your husband to do such a simple task

and yes, a partner that belittles you to others does suck

I expect you feel sorry for him, his self-esteem must be in his boots, poor love

ShinyAndNew · 20/09/2010 16:18

The account that the TC go into is a joint account, but it's post office account and there is only one card, which he had at the time. His money pays for the bills and the main food shop, my wages buy luxeries and pet food.

He wasn't going to give me any of the money, from anywhere for luxeries or pet food/dog training etc if I left work. Not from his account or the post office account. Although as I pointed out, the TC are a joint claim and I could easily ring them up and have the payments moved into my account.

We each have seperate current accounts. But all the bills go from his account. He is better at budegting than me, that's why it's set up this way. If I was left to my own devices the morgate would be late but we'd all have designer clothes . I am rubbish at managing money.

ivykaty44 · 20/09/2010 16:21

agree with Riven

A nursery is about - waht £40 per day = £200

A cleaner is about £9 per hour + at least one hour per day = £63 per week

A chef is aorund £15 per hour = £105 per week

So would think about £367 per week divide by two as you wouldn't expect him to pay for your half and he needs to be paying £183 per week

Perhaps try putting it to him this way as it may make more sense

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 16:23

shiny...as long as you acknowledge you are shit at managing money, and he hasn't convinced you that you are

I find that setting up direct debits to pay bills bypasses the "shit with money" excuse

anyway, I am hijacking so will shut up now

nikkershaw · 20/09/2010 16:24

dp and i have never had a joint account, i don't think it's that rare

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