He says his money is his money as he earns it, I don't have the right to question it??!!

[Mindovermatter]

Hello I have been lurking for sometime and never wanted to post before, but need help. My DH is breadwinner, im a SAHM. We fell out over a mobile phone bill (mine) which was high. The account is online and he refuses to let me look at it so I can understand why it is so high. He pays all bills. I feel I have to ask for money for hairdressers and such like. Im sad as I hate the way this makes me feel, I don't feel his equal. Please help?!

I think it is probably a bit less rare when you are a SAHM
we had joint accounts when we wereliving together and when married while I was still working
Once I gave up work I didn't like getting his money into my account like a pocket money
So we made all our accounts joint ( except one for me and my stashed money )

It may work for some but once I had no income seperate accounts felt odd

I didn't say you should divorce him. I said you should research what you would be entitled to in the event of a divorce, and tell him about it. He's got a massive "What's yours is mine, what's mine's my own" thing going on, and he needs to be shaken out of it.

You need to nip this in the bud. It is just possible that he hasn't thought it through as it is early days for you both.

Can you get him on a good evening (?Friday) after a nice meal and say that you want to discuss household finances as it is not working out at the moment, and you are feeling demeaned and disempowered by the whole set-up which cannot be what he intends, can it. The joint account for household expenditure and an exactly equal personal expenditure account sounds good. "His" earnings are joint earnings, made possible by you staying home and looking after his DC, cooking, shopping, cleaning, washing.

Is the reason you don't have a joint account because you have such a bad credit rating? Are you actually okay with money now?

Would agree with ivykaty44, prob best way to go about it. Think I've read something in paper where they equated what 'salary' would be for SAHM if they needed replaced. Quite often have to remind my OH that I am SAHM to look after 'our son'& stopped earning to do so.

AF,

the phone account only accepts his debit card only, but I will look into paying online

Tax credits are not the same as child benefits.

If the child benefits are not in your name then please check that you are getting a contribution to National Insurance credits. If anything happened and you came to retire without your OH you would not have a proper pension unless you have contributions to you name, the ones that you get automatically get with Child Benefit.

I believe you can get a summary of your pension entitlement and that may help you find out what is going on.

So....

You own the house he lives in
You own the car he drives
He earns a good salary
He pays no mortgage
He gets the rent from his old flat.

And he bollocks you about your phone bill, but won't let you see it?!

You can see this isn't right...right?

Apart from anything else, what is he doing with all that money you're saving him? Does he have solid gold shoes or something?

Can you answer my earlier question please?

Was it a joint decision for you to become a sahm?

it'd be much less hassle and far cheaper if you just take back the keys to your car and change the locks on your house.

I don't understand how you can go for several years like this before querying it.
This is definitely the sort of thing you discuss before deciding to live with someone, and definitely before marrying them.

I agree though with those who wonder if he resents you being a SAHM. I have several male colleagues who resent being expected to work full time whilst their wives stay at home. Again this is something they should have discussed before getting married again.

Im sitting here crying when I read post regarding what do I do if I want to go and have coffee with friends? Answer is I don't as I can't without asking him etc. If I did go out I would have to spend child benefit money and that would put me in the doghouse. He is asleep right now has been most of day , he works nights so I can't talk to him about how and why im crying right now. The reality of situation has dawned on me after reading your replies to my post! I feel my life is not my own right now!!!!!! Very sad.

I'm sorry you're so upset MOM, but realising your situation is the first step to making things better.

I hope your talk with him goes well, and that he genuinely didn't realise what he was doing.

Toposhtopost - yes talking at end of week when he is off work is good idea, much as im desperate to talk about issues raised on here to him looks like its gonna have to wait til at least Friday so this important chat isn't done in a hurry.

Everyone is right with posts I think we were both very naive NOT TO DISCUSS issues BEFORE MARRIAGE AND BABY, however, we have to deal with them now thats for sure.

Haven't read the entire thread, but get the impression that this is more about control than anything else. You have no mortgage or debts, he earns too much to get tax credits therefore you must be quite comfortably off. Only having 1 car also means that he has control over where you go. I think the most sensible option is to ask for a set amount per month, and say that you will manage shopping/personal spending/mobile etc out of that amount. Surely it would make things easier for him if he knows that say £700 a month leaves his account and that's it. A lot cheaper than a child-minder and cleaner would be .

MOM - It took me 21 years (yep no mistypes} to realise that my life was not my own, that he had got us into so much financial trouble, we were about to be evicted, weeks of worrying what would happen to my Dc's. Until one night I had enough, told him no more, his answer, a punch in the face, Dd 16 saw him tried to stop him and she got a punch for her trouble.

Your life is not his to run, it's yours to live and enjoy, you don't need his permission to go have a coffee, run a marathon or jet of to new york for a week.

I got out of my farce marriage, met someone who loved me and all my children, would not dream of hiding money from me, infact he tells me to spend it if I see something I really want. Think long and hard about where you want to be, if he listens to you and gives you your freedom all well and good, if not my love, then run for the hills.

Can anyone answer the following questions please.

If your DP owned the property (fully paid for with no mortgage)that you now live in before you were married does the other partner have any claim on it. The property has only been decorated with no major alterations since the wedding (8 years).

Would it be wrong to expect anything from the value of the property if you split up (no kids)

Newwave, it probably wouldn't be legally wrong, it may be morally wrong though personally (especially if there are no kids to be supported) and you didn't particularly put any money into the house. Just my opinion ..

My cousin (the house owner) is splitting with his wife, no kids involved, he inherited the house before they were married. The house is worth about £400K. He has offered her 50% of their joint savings plus £25k. She wants more so he has given her 6 weeks notice to leave and offered to put her things in storage at his expence.

As far as I am concerned he is being generous, They have always worked full time in good jobs. He is even offering to pay a (small) part of any reasonable rent/mortgage for a (to be agreed) period of time plus moving costs.

I think he is being too reasonable.

My apologies I am taking over someone elses thread :(

Mind, your post at 19:08 would suggest that it wasn't mutually agreed that you would be a sahm. Is that correct?

If not then tbh I can see how he is resentful.

He is controlling there is no doubt about that but perhaps he really hates being the breadwinner, especially having it forced upon him.

If dh suddenly decided to be a sahd I wouldn't be very happy.

Forgive me if I am wrong but i'm just trying to see the other side.

So he lives rent free & the car is free.
But you have no freedom with money.
He sounds like an excellent catch. Especially as he "helps" you so much.

Get Rid.

You own your own house and car. How is your life not your own? You can change the locks and put his stuff out on the pavement.

Get a JOB, but your child in nursery and then kick this controllign twerp to the kerb.

Don't cry @ Mindovermatter, think of this as a positive turning point. (((Hugs)))

SA

MOM, I have split up from my h, going through divorce right now, and I have to say I have my head in my hands right now, relating to you, and now seeing from where I am today what an idiot I was to put up with no joint bank account.

As an earlier poster said:

it's likely he picked you or liked you in the first place because you're the nice, unassuming type who didn't think to complain when he didn't allow you access to your own phone bills or indeed any bills, and you may now be so ground down that you'll have trouble realizing what a tosser he's being, and that you should be wary and even consider getting out.

I was always grateful that he earned enough for the 2 of us, that there was no pressure on me to go back to work and so I could be a SAHM. He gave me housekeeping. But of course this meant that the money always felt like his, which he bestowed on me. Even now, with solicitors involved, I have trouble adjusting to that fact that it's OURS, not his.

He had his own secret life, went out a lot without me, and was having affairs. The money was (I now realise) just one manifestation of his distance from me, and control over our relationship.

You need to see this problem as serious.

My EH , ( note ex ) was like this , its fucking dehumanizing and controlling to have to ask for money . I met him whilst still a child really , and finally , in my thirtys got my first ever bank account after i kicked him out. It sounds absurd but i lived like this for a long time .

Men who are financially abusive like this are nearly ALWAYS abusive in other ways too. Does he harass you for sex , yell at you and call you names , refuse to listen to you when you raise a concern ? I bet he does fuck all in the house , occasionally " helping you " by putting the bins out or something.
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Start reading up on emotional abuse .