Is it normal in first year of your baby's life to be incredibly controlling?

[pamelat]

I remember these feelings from when DD was tiny, she is now 2.8 and I am fully relaxed about control of her. Ok, I say "fully" ... maybe i mean fairly

DS is 4 months and I really felt that I was more relaxed this time.

He is an easier baby too which helps. DD cried all of the time and only seemed soothed by me. DS is quite the flirt

Anyway he spent last night at his grandparents, my inlaws. V kind of them and am grateful. Was their idea rather than our request.

I left a long list of instructions. Times to feed/nap etc. It has taken me 4 months to get him in to a routine, hard work but finally there and essential (in my opinion) for the days when I have both kids (4 days a week now).

Anyway, we called en route to collet the kids and ds was asleep and had been for at least an hour or more, which means an hour and a half before his scheduled nap.

I am calm now and actually feel a bit silly now as I like my inlaws and it was kind of them. However I was furious and made DH stop the car. I got out and spent the next 2 hours just walking around waiting for him to politely collect them and come away (had planned to spend all afternoon together).

I was sobbing initially (more in frustration as felt my entire requests had been disregarded, in a "we know better" fashion) I felt sick, felt that I wanted my son back asap, felt angry with DH for not saying "why is he asleep" and for not 'siding' with me.

I genuinely think I could accept half an hours flexiility here or there but its taken so long to get his feeds and sleeps to fit with DD's day, and it really suits him. As a consequence of their early nap today he has ended up upset and having to go to bed an hour earlier than normal tonight, so its me that will deal with the repercusions of that in the morning.

I feel unreasonable in that if I stand back I think its ungrateful of me. Its not the end of the world etc etc ... but I feel I lost control and now I dont want anyone else to have him. DH says ridiculous.

I remember feeling like this from time to time for the first year with DD, maybe its an hormonal thing or have I gone crazy???

I only got out and walked around as felt I was too upset to deal with them and didnt want to cause a huge upset for the future. This way, they probably just wondered why I had gone elsewhere .....

I would have felt the same. It feels personal like they don't care what your wishes are. Maybe he was just really tired though? Or are you worried they left him to cry himself to sleep?

Things were different - he was with his grandparents - and so he was different. I think he was asleep because he was tired.

It's not a case of them not caring what your wishes are, more a case of them taking care of your ds as best they know. Would you rather they kept him up and awake and miserable?

I too was crazy lady.

However less so with the 2nd, so it is odd that it all came rushing back to you because of this relatively minor incident.

I realised fairly soon that dealing with the fallout was part and parcel of them spending time with and being fussed over by their relatives. I sometimes get a bit of 'time off' too so that's a benefit.

I try to quell the feeling that it's 'not worth it' and avoid never going anywhere or seeing anyone for an easy life. It doesn't really end up an easy life as you end up stuck in the house.

I'm just rambling now - not really helping as you know all this I'm sure. I do understand the feeling though. I'd apologise to your dh tbh.

Keep an eye on it and see if it gets any worse. PND can strike at any time and I definitely had it with DC1.

I think you've gone a little bit crazy :)

He is still little, so a change in environment can completely throw their routine. It may take you a day or two to get back on track, it may not. And in the meantime don't let it ruin the fact that you managed to have a night just with DH!

I doubt your in-laws think they know better, but they may have known better today just purely by being with him - maybe your DS was just more tired than normal from being away from you and so needed to sleep earlier. If he slept for 1.5 hours it kind of suggests that maybe he needed it today for some reason.

Try not to worry about it, it will sort itself out in a few days tops, and you'll probably look back in a week or month's time and think "yep, I did overreact a little bit there".

Also, think about the consequences for your relationship with your in-laws. My poor MIL will never do anything on her own initiative any more with her grandchildren so I still need to give quite specific instructions for DS (2.5) even though I'm really relaxed and my instructions would ordinarily be "if he's alive and happy then you've done the right things" because she spent so long with her other DIL (2 children older than mine) specifying absolutely everything right down to bringing all the food they should eat, and going absolutely mental at MIL if the children slept too early or too long or ate one smidgeon of food that wasn't in the food box she provided, or didn't eat all the food, or didn't have the right number of stories at bedtime etc. It has strained my MIL's relationship with her DIL even though she tries not to let it, and it has meant that my poor MIL is now petrified of making a mistake with mine. It's taken 2.5 years for her to realise that I am more relaxed when he is with them and am happy for them to just get on with it.

I don't personally think that everyone gets quite so stressed about routine and naps. I think you need to consider how healthy it is having such rigidity that any deviation from the routine causes you such fury and agitation.

Yes is moderately annoying when babies sleep earlier than expected, but I happen to think that your ds has needs and maybe today his tiredness meant that he couldn't and shouldn't be fitting in eith your dd's routine. Everyone adapts when you have a new baby and I don't see why should be the baby being pushed into a routine that maybe doesn't actually suit.

But that's incidental really - I think you should apologise to your dh and also I would think would be a good idea to try and relax a but about the routine.

If she had called me to say "he seems a little tired now" although in the last 3 months he has never been tired at that time, or even if she had been apologetic when we called "sorry but hes asleep he seemed tired" but we were greeted with "Oh he went to sleep over an hour ago" as though t were completely normal and ok for her to just do her own thing.

I think for a few months at least I need to just keep him with me. I only gave up breastfeeding 2 weeks ago so thats big hormonally and still getting used to anyone being able to feed him etc. I was probabaly not ready for a night away but because they asked and DH was so keen, I selfishly accepted.

This is the first time in DS's life that have felt like this. Always felt like it with DD, even towards my DH then. I remember a big row when I went out one day during the weaning phase, I came back and he had given her meat for the first time, without me there. Can laugh now but almost considered a divorce at the time. Was a milestone I hadnt wanted to miss

Think I am a control freak. I actually felt quite ill today, not been able to eat etc (not like me at all )

I can laugh at myself, despite the anger/feeling sick but am also constantly holding back tears at the mo ... maybe PND. Who knows.

I was quite, quite mental about routine when DD was little. I put this down to her being such a difficult baby that when I finally got some semblance of normality back at about 9mo, I was terrified that any deviation from the routine would see us plunged back into the dark days of 10min naps and hourly night waking. She's 3 now, and I still prefer to stick to a bedtime except for special occasions.

I think whilst strict adherence to a routine is a bit crazy, some DCs do thrive on a routine, and binning it will mean a day or two's disruption and grumpiness. Your PILs of course will not have to deal with this bit, so won't see the rationale for sticking to a routine.

I think you have gone a bit crazy, but I will be honest and say that I am not a routine parent so to be so rigid with nap times seems odd to me anyway.

I always found that DS was completely thrown out of his normal patterns when he was in a different place or with different people, and you just have to work around it. The early morning you are anticipating tomorrow is the con to the pro of your night away with DH.

It doesn't sound as if they deliberately put him to nap at the 'wrong' time - more than he was tired and fell asleep. Are you really saying you would have preferred them to try and keep a tired 4-month old awake for an hour and a half just to fit in with a schedule?

I know how you feel. I was / am like this with DD who is now 16 months. I think I have got a handle on it now but it used to consume me.

PIL have had DD for the day to day and as usual didn't ask about nap & food times and did their own thing - as such she has consumed more crap than in an entire month with me (including the dreaded fruit shoot ) and had a nap far too late.

A few months ago I would have been seething (inwardly) and close to tears but today I just put it down to a one off and was very grateful for them looking after her.

pam - just out of interest are you the same with your own parents?

I have to say I really think this is a massive overreaction on your part and the fact that you would expect your MIL to apologise for breaking the routine seems very OTT. Perhaps there is an issue here with depression? I am not having a go at you but you seem to be tying yourself in knots over something very minor and clearly your are still anxious about it today if off your food and feeling unwell.

Perhaps you should take some advice more professional than a bunch of Mummies on here and get yourself to the Docs or speak to your Health Visitor and see what they have to say.

I was wondering if you had felt a bit pressured and unsure about leaving him in the first place and this is what has made you so upset? I wouldn't have felt comfortable being apart from mine for more than a hour or two at that age.

Once they were a bit older, I would have grabbed an overnight stay and a chance of lie-in with both hands even if it did mean a bit of disruption afterwards.

Suggest they just have your daughter next time and wait till your son is a bit older and you feel really Ok to leave him. All of mine started to stay over with my parents from when they were about two and it's still a nice break to just have the baby to look after.

probably worse with own parents but they wouldnt go against my express written instructions

fallen out with my own mum today over this as she says I am being unreasonable and I said she didnt have young children so what did she know apologised after.

am actually a really calm person except about my kids. its like something comes over me.

had joked with mil about how i am anal with the plan but how at 4 months he needed one as otherwise difficult/impossible for me with both of them and she had agreed, and then just ignored it

He wouldnt have been tired (I know him) at that time he would have needed a change of scenery, fresh air etc.

How could they have made him go to sleep at the 'wrong' time? It's not possible surely?

Well I think it would have been cruelof themto force him to stay awake if he wanted to go to sleep

I'm amazed that a 4-month old is that predictable! FWIW, sounds like you probably do have something else going on if you're holding back tears about this, so the advice from tarty to have a chat with you doc/health visitor is a really good idea.

'express written instructions'

yes you see, this in itself is a bit nutty... all parents and parents in law (unless they are complete bastards) are just trying to help and do their best - they are trying to be nice and a little change to routine will do no harm - YOU DO NEED TO CHILL

but I speak as a slummy mummy of four, there is no place in my life for this sort of stress as have children with major health issues which force this sort of thing into perspective for me

Out of interest, what exactly did you expect your in-laws to do? I would be more upset if they were ignoring sleep cues I had told them about, resulting in my baby not sleeping, getting over tired and then unable to sleep.

IMO (and IME, having 3 children), babies sleep when they are tired at that age. I don't think anyone can say "He wouldn't have been tired (I know him) at that time..." - they are their own little person. Do you never get tired at different times on different days?

What you are really saying is "I don't allow him to sleep at that time, because it fits better if he sleeps later", which is fine, but is not the same thing as "he wouldn't be tired at that time". He obviously was, or he wouldn't have slept, would he, especially for over an hour, which means that he came out of one sleep cycle and into another. Hardly a catnap.

I'd rather my babies had been happy with whoever they were with and slept when they liked than overtired and miserable
you say he hasn't slept at a different time for the last three months ? I find that baffling, a one month old has very different sleep patterns than a four month old

I do think that maybe you are over reacting a teeny bit but am being gentle as you've only just had a baby.

A baby will not sleep for an hour and a half unless they are tired, so maybe he wouldn't have been tired normally at home, but he had a change of scenery and maybe took longer to go to sleep last night so was tired earlier than usual.

They gave him his dumy, took to dark room and rocked him to sleep (something we dont do anyway). Most little babies would probbaly go to sleep under those conditions. If he gone for a walk or been carried around a bit he wouldnt have gone to sleep.

By going to sleep so off plan (an hour and a half early) all of his feeds and subsequent naps were about by an hour which meant his bedtime an hour early, which means I'll be up from 5am tomorrow (isnetad of 6am) with him and my todder.

And worse it will take a few days to get him back on track. He is fairly easy but my toddler is a real handful. He normally naps around her activity times, for example, we go swimming tomororw at lunch and he normally sleeps poolside in his car seat. Now I fear he wont and she will kick off as she is still really jealous of him.

Anyway ... yeah maybe there are bigger issues going off.

Spoke to 3 mummy friends today. 2 felt the same as me about it and the other 1 laughed guess we are all different, which is fine, but looking after someone elses baby you do it their way????????????? Surely?

Am calming down but so feel overwhelmed by it all, and can appreciate its minor.

Cried when left him last night so yes probbaly too early to have left him

I don't mind other people getting her to sleep (in fact I welcome it, she doesn't sleep enough). We have a problem that our MIL keeps her awake and decrees that naps/routine are for home.

I think it's not that un-normal to want that much control, but it's not quite right that you are this upset over it and going off your food as a result.

Afraid I have to agree that it sounds like quite an over reaction on your part. Presumably he must have been a bit tired if he went to sleep, no? I have 2 dds of similar ages to your dcs and obviously it's easier if they are completely synchronised but not the end of the world if not. Your mil probably just did what she thought was best at the time. If someone else is looking after your dcs as a favour I think you have to accept that some things will be done differently