Is it normal in first year of your baby's life to be incredibly controlling?

[pamelat]

I remember these feelings from when DD was tiny, she is now 2.8 and I am fully relaxed about control of her. Ok, I say "fully" ... maybe i mean fairly

DS is 4 months and I really felt that I was more relaxed this time.

He is an easier baby too which helps. DD cried all of the time and only seemed soothed by me. DS is quite the flirt

Anyway he spent last night at his grandparents, my inlaws. V kind of them and am grateful. Was their idea rather than our request.

I left a long list of instructions. Times to feed/nap etc. It has taken me 4 months to get him in to a routine, hard work but finally there and essential (in my opinion) for the days when I have both kids (4 days a week now).

Anyway, we called en route to collet the kids and ds was asleep and had been for at least an hour or more, which means an hour and a half before his scheduled nap.

I am calm now and actually feel a bit silly now as I like my inlaws and it was kind of them. However I was furious and made DH stop the car. I got out and spent the next 2 hours just walking around waiting for him to politely collect them and come away (had planned to spend all afternoon together).

I was sobbing initially (more in frustration as felt my entire requests had been disregarded, in a "we know better" fashion) I felt sick, felt that I wanted my son back asap, felt angry with DH for not saying "why is he asleep" and for not 'siding' with me.

I genuinely think I could accept half an hours flexiility here or there but its taken so long to get his feeds and sleeps to fit with DD's day, and it really suits him. As a consequence of their early nap today he has ended up upset and having to go to bed an hour earlier than normal tonight, so its me that will deal with the repercusions of that in the morning.

I feel unreasonable in that if I stand back I think its ungrateful of me. Its not the end of the world etc etc ... but I feel I lost control and now I dont want anyone else to have him. DH says ridiculous.

I remember feeling like this from time to time for the first year with DD, maybe its an hormonal thing or have I gone crazy???

A little baby that isn't tired, will not go to sleep just because they are rocked and have their dummy - y are being slightly deranged over all this

Be thankful you have people willing to give you a little respite

I think that if you are happy for the children to be at gp's overnight then you really need to let them parent in their way. Ideally they will stick to their nap times but the ds may not go down as easily for them as for you? Woken up earlier / went to bed later etc.

But I too was like you've just said, it has taken me a while to calm down and not say anything.

Perhaps they thought they were doing it your way? They probably couldn't comprehend being so tied to a routine. They were just trying to be nice and helping a baby they felt was tired go to sleep in a strange environment surely? I doubt they set out to ignore all your demands.

If I had given my mum express instructions I know she would have refused to look after any of my kids. And maybe that's the best way if instructions are tgat important.

Life is easier with several children if you can palm some off on willing relatives and relax the control a bit as well. Assuming they're nice decent people then having somewhere he can be left safely whilst you have 1:1 with your dd is perhaps worth the upset routine. I don't think you can ask loving grandparents to keep a tired baby awake - they won't be able to do it!

You asked whether this was nornal behaviour? I have known other mothers like this but they've always been rather stressed and if it feels abnormal
al to you I would follow earlier advice and talk to hv/gp.

Alternatively don't let him stay there again for a while (bur that brings it's own problems).

I think when you ask someone to look after your baby you have to accept they'll do things differently
I'm looking after a mates eight mnth old tomorrow
yesit was nice of her to tell me he sleeps at nine and one in a dark room
but she understood I'd be in the cat doing the Sch run at those times
maybe leave it til he's stopped napping next time
hope you feel better soon

I know it's hard but ifyou had some time out without worrying about the routine it might do you all the world if good and you might come back feeling less rigid and more relaxed

I agree, you probably felt funny about leaving him anyway.

I have one 5 month old, and having a baby is way, way harder than I thought it would be. I am different from you in that I have NO routine at all (apart from 6.30 bath time and even that went out the window when we were on holiday last week), but I am sooo tired and went completely off on one at DH recently for a very minor thing - in my mind divorce was on the cards!!

So, I think you're just knackered like me! (and it must be a lot harder with two!)

Pam, I am sorry to hear that you feel like this. Your Mil was really being fine, it sounded like your ds looked sleepy and as someone who did rock my babies to sleep in a dark room and two of whom had dummies, I can tell you that no way will they fall asleep until they need it - if only.

I wonder if this is something to do with surrendering your baby to someone else. I found this virtually impossible with all my babies, I have no idea why, but definitely wrse with dd1 and ds, both who were delivered in traumatic circumstances. Is there anything that could be making you feel over-protective? I did have some kind of PND or post-traumatic stress - could that be the case for you?

Am definately tired and already feel rubbish for having stopped breastfeeding 2 weeks ago

I left written rules and talked through them so not sure how anyone could have got confused, or at least apologised or seemed sheepish ... ?

It wasnt as though I had asked for them to be looked after, we werent going anywhere, they wanted to have them both, which obviusly lovely for us too.

Will try to relax, feel I cant

I also agree this is an over reaction. Your MIL couldn't have kept DS awake if he was that tired. If she had spent ages rocking him to sleep then maybe I could understand your anger but babies do unexpected things occasionally.

Your overreaction is clearly a concern to you and I would have to agree that it may have been OTT. Your DS won't stay in the same routine for very long at his age. Babies change almost daily, as you know already know and maybe his routine doesn't suit any more or is beginning to shift anyway. It tends to be that as soon as you thought things were sorted they were guaranteed to change. If you had been a bit cross or upset I could have understood it but to be crying and feeling sick seems a bit extreme and I wonder if you will be trying to keep your DS in the same routine even when he is ready to move on? I would agree that you might mention this to your HV or GP. I think the fact that you mentioned PND yourself is telling and if you have suspicions you should talk to somebody.

I would just say that I wouldn't or couldn't have left either of mine at that age overnight because I was bf so I can't say how I would have been but maybe it was too soon for you? I think sometimes people think they are being helpful but your DS is still quite little and some of us are better able to leave our babies than other. There is nothing wrong with that, it is not a criticism but I think you might have been persuaded to do something you just weren't ready for. Your DH may think your are being ridculous but you feel how you feel and if your hormones are all over the place he can't really understand. You need to talk to him - he can't understand if you don't tell him.

I hope you feel better soon.

My DS1 had a routine from 4 months ish which really worked for him, DS2 wasn't into routine. (Or sleep actually, but that's another thread.)

My DS1 was so nuclear when he was awake though that if he went off schedule I remember feeling utter despair as I knew I was in for hell. I think you get used to knowing you have certain times to do certain things and when that is ruined it can be awful, especially if you're tired and your children are a handful. It's different, some kids are easier than others and if you've never experienced a majorly demanding one it's easy to think someone with one is acting a bit bonkers.

Thank you

I dont think I should have left him. I think it was too early and that he is too little/cant ask for what he wants/doesnt know them properly and them not him etc. So now feel a bit bad about having left him.

I think I had PND with DD but never diagnosed and it went by 12 months so 1/3 there

think theres an element of "hes MINE" going on, but I should have thought of that before leaving him to swan off out.

Pamelat, I think you're sounding really quite stressed and possibly depressed. I'm not saying this is definitely the case, because I can see that having a routine is very handy in some circumstances, but it's coming across to me as though the only thing holding you together is the routine, and knowing that things are going according to routine, and this can be a sign of depression. Are you feeling that you're just managing to hold on, and that any single little thing will send it spiralling out of control?

I think you might chat to your HV / GP about your feelings, and see whether this is a one off, or the tip of an iceberg.

I think a trip to the doctor would be beneficial. I had pnd with all mine at 6 weeks, 3 months and 12 months.

Grendelsmum, thats exactly how i feel. Hence switching from wanting complete control to actually feeling like I just want to run off by myself and read a book in the quiet (which is why I probably let them have him overnight).

Always feel trying to not cry but love DS dearly.

written rules - !!!!, if you don't want someone else to vary your rules then don't leave him. You really are being ott, and imo you should apologise both to your dh and your mil.
Honestly your mil is capable of interpreting a babies needs, and so she rocked him to sleep when he was tired, you should be saying thank you for responding to my child's needs, not having a hissy fit because you might have to get up early the following day.
despairs

Oh, Pamelat, I loved my dd1 and ds so much I thought my heart would break (maybe it did).

I still got PND though.

Aw, hope I didn't sound harsh
I agree with grendelsmum , maybe a trip to the gp might be a good idea
I know that a predictable routine is one of the few things you cancontrol when you feel down
I drive my dh mad needing to know what is going to happen and when
it's going to happen

Pamelat, I really think it might be worthwhile having a chat with the GP.

It's perfectly possible to love your ds desperately and to think that his existence (and your dd of course) has enriched your life immeasurably at the same time as having PND.

You do seem very uptight. "Control" is an odd word to use about looking after your dcs.
Little babies don't need rigid routines, they don't need to be anywhere or do anything at any particular time. If you set up a routine it's to make life easier for you, not him. He hasn't been harmed or inconvenienced in any way.
This does sound like major stress over a very minor incident.
Please talk to your doctor about possible PND--rather than waiting/hoping for it to go away, which seems to be what your last comment suggests you're planning to do!

OP - you were OTT. I am a total routine obsessive, but sometimes even I let it slip a bit!!

There are reasons for your routine (e.g. fitting in with your other DC etc), but sometimes different situations effect babies differently. For example, when my DS started nursery, he went from having 1 sleep a day to having 2 cos of the extra stimulation.

When my DS has stayed with parents for the day before, he has gone to sleep at 11am, rather than his normal 12.30 (ish). This is because I usually put a good deal of effort into keep him awake until (early) lunchtime, otherwise he wont eat properly. However when he stayed with my Mum he was a little bit unsettled anyway, so he needed his sleep even more cos of the change of scenary IYSWIM.

I think it would be worth seeing your GP if this worry persists. There is nothing wrong with routine (IMHO!), but it shouldn't consume you!

Might call re pnd, both of my doctors are male so not sure would feel comfortable talking to them

Also my job requires that i sign access to medical records to my employers so not easy, so perhaps am kind of hoping it goes away like last time but its ruining these precious few months isnt it with DS.

Doing MA degree too and just feel over whelmed so routing necessary for me to write in nap times etc.

Feel like running off to a beach somwhere for a week by myself but would miss DD and DS.

Ok, Pamelat, I think that a chat to the GP might be a good idea. I think you may be suffering from stress or depression of some kind. (Somewhere on the web there's the NHS self-diagnosis checklist, but I don't have a link to it.)

You might want to try writing things down in advance, so that if you can't talk when it comes to it, you can hand over a note to the GP.

I ended up having both counselling and anti-depressants, and would recommend both. (Especially the anti-depressants, which put me back to normal and then acted on me like a legal high for two weeks, and then made me incredibly energetic and efficient for another few weeks - it was brilliant!)

I really do sympathise - if you are stressed / depressed, then having your routine broken can be terrifying. Do look after yourself as well as the rest of the family.

If reading a book is what you do when you can't bear things any more, then my counsellor said that it was absolutely fine to do that (I felt very guilty about this for some reason), and that it's a good coping mechanism. Maybe at the very least, you need to be spending some time at the beginning and end of the day with your DH looking after both children and you reading a book. I know it won't be easy to do this, but it might be that you take steps now, or you reach a stage where you can't get out of bed, and your DH will then be taking time off work to look after both children.

I don't think you are mad at all. I totally sympathize with you having felt the same with dd and ds. Both mine now are 5 and 3 and I still request my plans and routines are stuck to where possible.

Tbh, I find it easier to not hand over the reins to grandparents etc. To much hassle ....

But then I have and still do suffer from pnd.

Maybe I sound nutty but there you go...

Just because you love your baby doesn't mean that you haven't got PND.

I adored DS from the moment he was born, but I had PND that I didn't realise for what it was until he was 8 months old. Please go and speak to your GP, because you do sound very depressed and anxious and it's not good to be so reliant on your routine to the point that you can't eat or sleep if things deviate slightly.

I do think you need to apologise to your DH, and to your PIL. They have looked after your child - he is well, content and rested. Everything else is just minor.