Is it normal in first year of your baby's life to be incredibly controlling?

[pamelat]

I remember these feelings from when DD was tiny, she is now 2.8 and I am fully relaxed about control of her. Ok, I say "fully" ... maybe i mean fairly

DS is 4 months and I really felt that I was more relaxed this time.

He is an easier baby too which helps. DD cried all of the time and only seemed soothed by me. DS is quite the flirt

Anyway he spent last night at his grandparents, my inlaws. V kind of them and am grateful. Was their idea rather than our request.

I left a long list of instructions. Times to feed/nap etc. It has taken me 4 months to get him in to a routine, hard work but finally there and essential (in my opinion) for the days when I have both kids (4 days a week now).

Anyway, we called en route to collet the kids and ds was asleep and had been for at least an hour or more, which means an hour and a half before his scheduled nap.

I am calm now and actually feel a bit silly now as I like my inlaws and it was kind of them. However I was furious and made DH stop the car. I got out and spent the next 2 hours just walking around waiting for him to politely collect them and come away (had planned to spend all afternoon together).

I was sobbing initially (more in frustration as felt my entire requests had been disregarded, in a "we know better" fashion) I felt sick, felt that I wanted my son back asap, felt angry with DH for not saying "why is he asleep" and for not 'siding' with me.

I genuinely think I could accept half an hours flexiility here or there but its taken so long to get his feeds and sleeps to fit with DD's day, and it really suits him. As a consequence of their early nap today he has ended up upset and having to go to bed an hour earlier than normal tonight, so its me that will deal with the repercusions of that in the morning.

I feel unreasonable in that if I stand back I think its ungrateful of me. Its not the end of the world etc etc ... but I feel I lost control and now I dont want anyone else to have him. DH says ridiculous.

I remember feeling like this from time to time for the first year with DD, maybe its an hormonal thing or have I gone crazy???

I think your reaction was OTT but I can relate to the frustration you feel and don't think you're completely mad. At that age I didn;t have a routine with my DS but I do now, and get very stressed if we go off it for any reason as it affects his sleep at night which is a massive thing for me, and I only have one to deal with!

My MIL is fantastic and looks after DS reasonably often for which I am forever grateful BUT I know she thinks my rigidity with certain things is a bit nutty, especially as she has her own children and several other grandchildren so a wealth of experience. However I like things done my way as that's what I think works for us, and though I'm willing to be flexible about some things, there are others (sleep being the main one) that I completely expect my instructions to be followed.
In my case it's usually a problem with DS going to sleep later than normal at bedtime (as I set up his sleep cues for him but she just waits for him to "show" her he's tired"). I do agree with other posters that it's very hard to get a baby to sleep if they are not ready to sleep so it looks as though your PIL's were just following his cues.

Wait a while, and next time if you still give them a list, I'd explain that yes it may seem a little mad and this is why you do it / why it's so important that the routine is followed but if it's not appropriate (ie baby falling asleep too early) then going "off plan" as a one off is fine.

With regards to your feelings about having ds away for a night, I am completely with you on that one (even though I think YABU about the rigidity of the routine/written instructions).

I think it is completely natural with a 4month old to be reticent about overnight stays and I wouldn't personally do them. Think dd was about 3 when she stayed overnight with MIL. DS1 was about 4. DS2 is now 1 and no plans for overnight stays for a loooong time.

I think your worry about the routine and anger about it being broken were excessive, and do suggest you might have slight PND. PND can have many faces and this is something I've realised having been diagnosed with it this time round.

I'm different from you - I'm very relaxed about routine, DD basically has 2 or 3 naps a day but when and how long they are varies a lot. And yet I get uptight in other ways. I hate it if I forget to bring something with me, or if I planned to sort something out in the house and then forgot to do it. Also, I wouldn't leave DD overnight at someone else's house - I couldn't believe anyone else could give her what she needs and so in that way I need "control" too.

I thought I was fine because I was very efficient at coping and getting things done - however the GP helped me see that I'd become kind of joyless and obsessive about it, and was forcing myself to do too much and fit to much in in order to feel in control. I am on ADs now and they are helping.

Don't be too hard on yourself though; I think letting GPs look after your baby must be very difficult.

To be honest, I thought I was incredibly tense with ds. It was the thought of impending danger and accidents with me though.

The problem with routines is just this. Expecting everyone to fit in with it. You are getting this out of proportion. He went to sleep early, he was in a different home with people who were not you. Cut the inlaws some slack.

Do you think you might be a little depressed? It seems a massive over reaction to me.

But I don't want to add to your stress, I remember well just how tiring it all was. At least you do know, deep down, it gets easier. Hang in there.

Sorry GP confusion - first GP is the doctor, second time I meant grandparents!

I really don't understand why the majority always agree that it's unreasonable to ask grandparents to follow instructions. You'd usually expect someone who had something previous of yours in their posession to treat it as you requested, and be rightly annoyed if they didn't. Why is it different with grandchildren? It's not that difficult to stick to other folks wishes. I look after my friend's one year old one day a week, and have done since he was 3 months and have always stuck to her wishes. To do otherwise would disrepect the work she has put it and the relationship she has built up with her ds and make her life difficult. Why would I want to do that? Why would I think I know better? Her son sleeps at different times, eats different foods and uses different nappies to my boy, who I look after simultaneously, but I still stick to what she does. And tis fine. Some weeks things vary because circumstances outwith control intervene, but because she knows I always do my best to do as she would, that's fine and expected. But to just do my own thing would be arrogant, rude and uncaring.

So I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. You're maybe more upset about it than is normal, but that's understandable with the sleep deprivation and hormonal stuff going on with you.

Hope things go ok. Take care x

You have no chance of writing an MA in nap times (been there done that!) You would be better off getting your MIL to do her thing with your son whilst you write. Really. DS1 slept during the day, ds2 and ds3 didn't. Trying to work around their sleeps was impossible (unless I could get a chapter written in 20 minutes which I couldn't).

Can you take a break from the MA? You can't do everything.

I never got like this after mine were over 2-3 months old. 4 months isn't much beyond this though. Mine never had that rigid a timetable though as I returned to work after 3 months part time, plus I attended gym with creche etc so babies had to fit in with this. The only time I got unreasonably ratty was with taking my eldest abroad age 2 months. I got D&V which sent the breast feeding askew and probably my milk wasn't great. Baby hated the heat and cried alot and didn't sleep. My parents looked after him 1 evening whilst we went out for a meal. Came back and they said he'd slept all evening. I was furious as was sure he'd then be awake half the night (which he was but poor sprog probably was exhausted earlier).

We didn't leave him until about 6 months old overnight but I just left bottles of expressed milk and some formula if necessary for top ups with inlaws and no instructions re sleeps, just that he usually had a morning and afternoon one.
If babies are in unfamiliar surroundings they often don't sleep as curious etc much like me on holiday.
I never went in for rigid timetable of sleeps. My life isn't that timetableable.

I used to look after other people's babies for a living. ALL mothers are OTT about handing their baby into someone else's care; it's one of the things baby books warn you about! If you give in to your possessiveness, you'll be sentencing yourself to a year or more of babylife (and no other life) - plus, potentially, hampering your child's social & emotional development. Don't do it.

Although I'm eminently well qualified to mind a baby, I would absolutely refuse to do it under a list of written instructions, beyond essential feeding habits etc. It's a major insult - you're treating her like some kind of brain-dead, incompetent servant. While your anxiety's understandable, your controlling attitude is inexcusable I'm afraid. If you're still feeling upset over this, it really would be worth considering mild depression. See your doc, or at least pick up some PND factsheets :) Good luck!

OP you are VERY lucky to have GPs that offer help. I think a bit more flexibility is required if you let people look after your DC. You need to get some perspective

Different people do different things but when mine were babies I didnt bother about routines and just let them do whatever. I did my degree without a break after having her but I found it way easier to do it if there is no timetable as you dont really get tired because you can sleep when they sleep and write late at night. Also if you have no routines then grandparents will probably take him more so loads more chance to get work done.

I am very laid back though as mine stayed at grandpaarents for night 1 week after birth for the night and they have done about 1 night a week since then. It hasnt done her any harm as she is confident, happy and has attachments to her GPS and to all other family members so I would say try and relax more.

You still sound very controlling tbh.

He´s 4months & you left a long list of instructions?

I thought at that age they still fed when they wanted & slept when they wanted.

Why have you tried to fit your baby around your toddler?

You sound just like my SIL, total meltdown when routine was not followed...

I remain convinced that she had postnatal depression, and still does.

All this routine stuff is great as it helps you to get through the day ok, but if it is ruling your life to this extent then I would suggest you're taking it too far. I would recommend a trip to the gp / hv to chat this over as if you only feel in control when working to such a proscriptive routine it cannot but impact badly on the family.

I have babysat for friends, and to be honest with you, if any of them had come to me with a long list of "express instructions", and going mad if their baby had fallen asleep one hour before they "should", I would refuse to ever babysit for her again (and tell them exactly what they could do with their long list).

Human beings are social creatures. A baby actually benefits from meeting different people and getting used to changes in its environment. As other posters said, routines benefit you much more than your baby.

I would also like to say that little babies are actually quite easy to take care of. They all do they same: they cry, they sleep, they eat, they use their diapers. Even the clumsiest of parent manages to take care of them without killing them or cripple them for life. And grandparents have the benefit of having been there, done that before (and usually much better than us). I do understand hormones leave mums all over the place, but hormonal or not, your behaviour was not only over the top, but absolutely ridiculous, and in my opinion you should apologize to your DH and MIL.

"I really don't understand why the majority always agree that it's unreasonable to ask grandparents to follow instructions."

TBH, I think it´s downright insulting to give someone instructions, unless it´s needs medicine at this time, don´t use/feed something that allergic to.

I think if grandparents didn´t do it differently to spite OP, but did what worked best for them in their own house whilst doing OP a favour, then you have to accept it tbh.

Am off to see doctor but not sure I have PND but will tell him about this thread. Part of me thinks I was OTT but the other part is still very upset that they didnt follow my instructions, all they had to remember were feed and sleep times. MY 4 month old is quite happy and has been for a month or so to feed and sleep at set times.

I understand that being in their house and their conditions (they asked to have him remember) may have made him more tired but I personally, especially to a DIL, would have said "sorry but he seemed tired ... " rather than blatantly ignore her, especially her first night away from baby which is always going to be tough etc.

Will see what doctor says.

Reading about PND the only reason why I may be persuaded I have it as that I am anxious and very sad (rather than depressed) lost both grandparents of mine in 12 months whilst pregnant and really really miss them. Even when happy I am usually thinking about how life isnt forever and one day I wont be with my kids and of all the bad things that may happen one day so maybe thats part of it, hence the need to "control", rubbish word I know.

MA, am almost there couldnt take last year out but its part time study so only one assignment and one exam to go, but in the next 4 weeks unfortunately.

Pamelta, I often have had those kinds of sad thoughts in my life and esp. when my dc were small, so that I felt very detached from everything, like I was watching a scene on television rather than being in it.

Coudl it be that you have an anxiety disorder rather than PND?

Good luck at the doctor. xxx

Sorry, typoed your name

pamelat I agree with spritmum. This sounds more like anxiety. I suffered it terribly after an operation that went really, badly wrong. It co-incided with ds being very young, but it wasn't PND. I also had thoughts of the fragility of life and the loss seemed so raw.

Please mention all this to GP, good luck, hope you get somewhere.

Pamelat - I have/had an anxiety disorder, and like you I lost two grandparents within four months of having DS1, which knocked me for six. I also often think about death but after being on ADs for 6 months last year and now doing some CBT I'm starting to feel a bit more sorted. I think having children does make you reflect on your own mortality and that's quite natural, it's just if you're prone to overthinking (like I am) that it can be a problem.

I hope you get things sorted with the help of the doctor. The first year of a new baby's life can be a funny old time for us mothers.

No, it's not normal.

Aha! Grief IS depression, the only difference is that it has a known cause and gets better in time - the time is somewhere around 2 years fro most people, though, so carry on like this and you could miss out on all the joy of your baby's memorable early years. Now you've confided this, I'm pretty sure you will benefit from some ADs. You'd probably benefit from some mood-balancing activities (walking, swimming, hobby, meditation, yoga?) as well as meds - do a little bit of research, and come up with your own "happy plan". It'll help your concentration, too :)

Hi all, quick update.

Doctor says I am stressed and anxious and probably a little depressed but doesnt want to medicate me as says he thinks I will get through it. Told me to exercise, take time out (not always easy) and to get lots of support and try to relax.

Tells me that whilst I over reacted, I was "normal" to be upset as I am "hormonal and have worked hard to set things up my way".

I burst in to tears so now I feel slighly ridiculous and ds has somehow caught conjunctivitus which has materialised this afernoon and I have to go back tomorrow to get him eye drops

feel dissapointed that no medicine really but maybe I was hoping for a happy button and just need to work harder at it ......... DH keeps telling me that life is not meant to be easy and that thats the mistake I keep making

Grief over grandparents is over powering still, many many months later. I cry about grandma most days. I am a 32 year old mother of 2 but losing grandma has made me feel like a small child losing her mum , even though I have a lovely mum. Really miss her. Every positive event is tainted by knowing she has missed it and neither of them got to meet DS.

I guess thats life but its all very hard.

I am so sorry for you. . I lost my grandma a few years ago and felt so alone for such a long time. Try and take some time for just you every day, even if you can only manage half an hour.