Is it normal in first year of your baby's life to be incredibly controlling?

[pamelat]

I remember these feelings from when DD was tiny, she is now 2.8 and I am fully relaxed about control of her. Ok, I say "fully" ... maybe i mean fairly

DS is 4 months and I really felt that I was more relaxed this time.

He is an easier baby too which helps. DD cried all of the time and only seemed soothed by me. DS is quite the flirt

Anyway he spent last night at his grandparents, my inlaws. V kind of them and am grateful. Was their idea rather than our request.

I left a long list of instructions. Times to feed/nap etc. It has taken me 4 months to get him in to a routine, hard work but finally there and essential (in my opinion) for the days when I have both kids (4 days a week now).

Anyway, we called en route to collet the kids and ds was asleep and had been for at least an hour or more, which means an hour and a half before his scheduled nap.

I am calm now and actually feel a bit silly now as I like my inlaws and it was kind of them. However I was furious and made DH stop the car. I got out and spent the next 2 hours just walking around waiting for him to politely collect them and come away (had planned to spend all afternoon together).

I was sobbing initially (more in frustration as felt my entire requests had been disregarded, in a "we know better" fashion) I felt sick, felt that I wanted my son back asap, felt angry with DH for not saying "why is he asleep" and for not 'siding' with me.

I genuinely think I could accept half an hours flexiility here or there but its taken so long to get his feeds and sleeps to fit with DD's day, and it really suits him. As a consequence of their early nap today he has ended up upset and having to go to bed an hour earlier than normal tonight, so its me that will deal with the repercusions of that in the morning.

I feel unreasonable in that if I stand back I think its ungrateful of me. Its not the end of the world etc etc ... but I feel I lost control and now I dont want anyone else to have him. DH says ridiculous.

I remember feeling like this from time to time for the first year with DD, maybe its an hormonal thing or have I gone crazy???

It is hard. DH isn't really helping with that remark, which amounts to "it's shit, suck it up" You can go back to your doc about the meds - as you're such a coper, he might not have seen your truth. It's actually a good thing that you cried.

When you think of the right way to ask DH to consider your feelings a bit more, do so. And see if you can get hold of a mindfulness (meditation) CD. Trying to calm yourself down without help is going to prove difficult; the advice is pointless unless it comes with practical assistance! Another helpful little thing is to LAUGH more - watch DVDs that tickle you, read a funny book, take DH to a comedy club. And good luck ... breeeaaathe

Pamelat, I got through everything I needed to without meds. I don't often like to say it because I know that many people swear by them, but I did, and I did so even though I'd thought that both dd1 and dd2 were going to die and at one point I was too scared to bring ds out of our bedroom so he and I lived upstairs.

Your dh is talking shit, sorry. Life isn't meant to be hard but the problem is we get so attached to life being a certain way. We suffer because we think things will always be the same and that things will never change. Peace comes from accepting the impermanence of life; change happens but actually it's okay, even if it makes us sad.

I found the early years of being a mum very painful. It broke me open and exposed me to very raw feelings that I didn't want to know about. I was so frightened of loss, and in particular losing my children. With dd1 I used to sit and hold her with tears streaming down my face because I was so scared. Then I realised that losing our children is inevitable, and we go through those losses every day; I have three dc but I've lost my babies, because they've grown up; ds has just started school so that's another loss. I can fight it, I can accept it, or I can seize it and let it transform me.

Did you know that when a caterpillar changes into a butterfly it doesn't just grow wings and change a bit. It actually turns into like a soupy stuff which then turns into the butterfly. I have no idea if that hurts or not but that is what transformation is - total demolition of everything that we thought was great in order to be something better. This is what you are going through - the transformation process. I didn't know shit before I had my dc but I am so grateful for every minute of fear and pain that I went through because it has opened my eyes to a whole new way of being.

I am so sorry to hear that you miss your grandma so much. My nan looked after me a great deal during my childhood as my mum had a good career, and I still miss her and wish she was here to see my dc. So I kind of know where you are coming from.

A really good book for anxiety is Self Help for your Nerves by Claire Weekes. No woo stuff, just straight common sense. If however you do want a bit of woo stuff I have a course advertised over on Mnet small ads that includes instructions on mindfulness meditation (no MP3 at present) - not that mindfulness is woo but some of the other stuff in my course might be to some people. If you want to have a look CAT me and I'll send you the details - don't worry about the quid .

Well done going to the gp and don't worry about crying, you told him what he needed to know
I think his advice is great, now you know what to work on
get out and about as much as possible
exercise and fresh air just by pushing the buggy around will do wonders
good luck xx

I like that caterpillar tale, spiritmum! (Maybe I'm doing my re-solidifying thing atm. It hurts ...)

Thinking about all the things your grandparents missed every day and crying daily doesn't sound healthy.
My mum died a few years ago, but even a few months after her death I didn't sit there thinking "how sad mum is missing that". That's just torturing yourself. It does sound as though you are dwelling unnecessarily on bad stuff. Life doesn't have to be hard. 1 generation has been born in your life, another has died. That's life.
I don't think life is hard, but if you dwell on negative things and things dead people are missing rather than the things the dead people did whilst alive you can make life hard for yourself.

Grace, think of what you are becoming. xxx

Pamelat, do you have a garden? When I lost my nan I spent a huge amount of time gardening. Someone once said there is a season for everything and when you garden you realise that everything is constantly in flux, but that doesn't mean that it ends. The death of winter always leads to new life in spring, always.

Thanks everyone. Spiritmum a lot of what you have said makes sense, I feel a lot like that. I watch my children sleeping with wonder but sob about how one day we wont be together and that bad things may happen to them etc. I do want to be positive, especially as I think its effecting my DD (2.8). If my grandma is mentioned in passing by anyone she glances at me and I am really careful to not cry as I know she is checking that I am ok with it, bless her. I fear she is the same as me, bloody hard work and overly sensitive.

Thanks all. Had big chat with DH and it cleared the air a bit. We are very different people emotionally so he doesnt understand but talking has helped a little.

He talks positively of things like investing for the children when we arent here (a long long time away, hopefully), I cant bear those kind of conversations.

I sometimes feel like I absorb sadness, which is perhaps selfish. My mums best friend's husband has months to live and I cry, I've only met him twice, but I feel for his wife and his son and its awful. Another friend lost her husband 8 years ago, I cant stop thinking about it. They aren't even "my" sad things but thats where life feels hard

Anyway, will really try to stay positive. If I dont feel more relaxed in a month am going back to docs as really feel that I give a "coping" front, no one would ever suspect anixety or even sadness, other than my poor DH and DD.

PS) just ordered Self Help for your Nerves by Claire Weekes on amazon, will see how get on, thank you everyone.

Hi, Pamelat,

First of all let me say that time does make things better. Secondly, what I've found useful is instead of trying to be 'positive' I've really let those feelings come and examine them. Trying to squash them down doesn't work, it's like pushing a big beach ball under water - sooner or later it will bounce back up and hit you in the face.

Sadness is just a feeling. The problem is that we attach so much importance to our thoughts and feelings, and so we believe them. So we think that it will be 'awful' when we aren't together with our loved ones but we can't possibly know that. We want to hang on and hang on to life as we know it and it's impossible.

I also know what you mean about grieving for people you hardly know, been there too. I think it is because we believe so many stories that we tell ourselves about that person, what their lives were like, and of course project our own fears of loss onto them.

I don't know if these clips mean anything to you but have alook - you can substitute the words these people use for your own fears and see if you can turn them around.

And find out how to question your thoughts here

It's not a quick fix, it's taken me three or four years to start to detach from the worst of my thoughts but when I question the truth about my beliefs I do find that I'm living with a load of nightmare beliefs that just aren't true.

Even the thought, 'I'm too sensitive' is stressful. Change it to 'I'm not too sensitive' or 'I have just the right amount of sensitivity' and you realise that it's not a problem. But when you feel sensitive to something you have a choice about how you react to it - you can pretend it isn't there; you can run with it, playing out all these horrid scenarios in your mind until the nightmare becomes ever more real; or you can just think, oh, I'm being sensitive again, let the feeling come and then let it float away without attaching any importance to the feeling. Does that make sense?

When your dd looks at you when your grandma is mentioned, I wonder if it is because she wants to know that you are okay or if it is because she's not sure about the feelings that are going on. I wonder if she is thinking, is it okay for mummy to cry? Is she allowed to have feelings, or do we need to hide them?

Do you talk to your dd about your grandma? Although I said earlier I wish that my grandparents had seen my dc, it's not an issue - the important thing for me is to talk about how they influence us now, so we look at pictures, but also tell stories and share wisdom that came from them.

Hope my ramblings have helped a bit, will stop now. Hope you are having a good day.

Pamelat my ds is 8 months old and I have been diagnosed with post-natal anxiety. Maybe you have similar? I am going on anti anxiety meds, but might not be the answer for you.