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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am the other woman..

102 replies

dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 15:24

For the past few months i have been involved in an Emotional Affair with a MM i work with. It has become extremely intense very, very quickly..

At the moment he is working away so all contact has been through emails and phonecalls. I must stress that absolutely nothing physical has happened between us. He says when he gets back he will leave his wife of 15 years and teenage son.

Then we will live together happily ever after. It sounds somewhat simplitstic but that is what he is promising to do, this is all his own decision with absolutely no pressure from me at all.

The thing is i am not comfortable with it at all. I too am working away and will be for the next few months. I feel incredible guilt and disgust at myself for letting the situation get out of hand and the fact that i let it run. I accepted all his declarations of love and i made a fair few to him too.

I always knew that me going away would be a massive personal test for me, just to see if i could keep my head from turning...

Alas no, my head has been well and truly turned by a stunning guy who has no ties or baggage.

The problem i have is that i dont know how to tell the MM that i am no longer interested?
He seems to have put all his eggs of future happiness in 1 basket with me and its just too much.

I have no idea if anything could or would happen with the stunning man but the fact that i have looked and wondered tells me that my heart just isnt in it with MM...

I feel embarrassed and ashamed and genuinley upset that i will be devastating him and more so that he is away working at the minute..

I am expecting to be flamed and thats ok as i am flaming myself daily anyway....

OP posts:

ANTagony · 18/09/2010 15:28

Slow down. He hasn't actually committed to you, left his wife and son or had a physical affair.

You can only take responsibility for your actions. You aren't cheating on anyone, you realise that you don't want what he is suggesting so tell him.

Breaking up is never fun but don't take on more guilt than is yours.

emmyloulou · 18/09/2010 15:30

Wow, if you are for real which I doubt, have a little bit of self respect and shag the unnatached man, and don't wreck a family for your little ego boost.

You sound awful.

lal123 · 18/09/2010 15:30

He hasn't put his eggs in any new basket as far as your post goes? He's still with his wife and children?

thelunar66 · 18/09/2010 15:33

You obviously don't love the MM or you wouldn't have noticed stunning, unbaggaged guy.

Tell MM right now, before his son and wife get hurt.

Quick... go on... NOW!

Original poster

dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 15:35

I struggle with what is worse though.. IMO ive always thought an emotional affair is so much worse than a physical one?

He has laid himself bare to me as i have him and its definately heart renching stuff. I simply do not want any further part of it, believe it or not i think deep down i am a nice girl but i really dont feel like that at the minute..

Thankyou for saying what you did tho ANT x

OP posts:

SmellsLikeTeenSweat · 18/09/2010 15:36

The risk is that he tells his DW & wrecks his marriage - and you're not sure?

Do the decent thing & break it off now, before he starts mooning around at home and his DW guesses - that's what happened to me, when I was in a similar situation to you. I was not really interested in MM but it got v. messy v. quickly!

purplepeony · 18/09/2010 15:36

*OPI always knew that me going away would be a massive personal test for me, just to see if i could keep my head from turning...

Alas no, my head has been well and truly turned by a stunning guy who has no ties or baggage.

You sound very fickle. Obviously you didn't feek as strongly for him as you thought you did. C

However, he is the one with the family, so if you tell him the truth- which you must- then it's no less than he deserves, is it?

You haven't actually had an affair- you have had a crush and nothing has (yet) come of it.

Most likely nothing ever will/would; you are jumping the gun thinking it's all sorted.

I doubt if this is genuine; how would any guy who hadn't even slept with you make such a momentous decision to leave his family? That's not to say i think he should have made it sexual, it's just hat it all seems rather fantasy land. People don't give up on families that fast usually.

activate · 18/09/2010 15:39

Stop

You should feel guilt and disgust at yourself - you have acted abominally

You owe the MM nothing he was not in a position to express any emotion to you

You don't IMO particularly deserve the opportunity of a wonderful new relationship - there has been no moral choice here. But you are fortunate that you have it - so take it and try to enjoy it and tell the MM he is married and to sort his life out and you are moving on to someone who has no obligation to another human being

Original poster

dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 15:39

Emmy yes you are right i am awful.. and sadly 100% real

I have emailed him, there are 7 and a half hours time difference between us so im not sure when i will get a reply..

I am aware he hasnt left yet, his wife and son as yet do not suspect a thing.

OP posts:

purplepeony · 18/09/2010 15:40

ouch- very harsh activate!

dignified · 18/09/2010 15:40

I find it unlikey that he wouldve actually have left his wife for you considering you havent even had sex.
You might need to look at how youve justified doing this , and how youve been attracted to a man whos a cheat and a liar. Possibly you enjoyed it while it was " fun " and are now panicking at the thought of it becoming anything more than that.

Just tell him and do it quickly.

purplepeony · 18/09/2010 15:42

If you are real, I'd be very wary of a man who suddenly was prepared to p and leave his wife and family after such a short fling that didn't involve sex.

Just put it down to a life experience. Move on and tell him that your feelings have changed.

he needs to sort himself out and leave his W anyway if he wants to- not wait for someone like you to offer an EA.

Original poster

dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 15:43

PP we have worked together for a long time and know each other very well. It was his going away that created the Emotional fast forward and promise to be together. Had he not went the situation would not be as it is now..

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 18/09/2010 15:45

You owe the MM nothing. There is no need to be upset that you will be devastating him. He has his wife and son to go home to. Thank heavens you came to your senses before he actually left them.

purplepeony · 18/09/2010 15:46

and how youve been attracted to a man whos a cheat and a liar

dignified- I think that is very harsh.
There are plenty of posts here from women who met their new partner when one or the other was married. It is often the way. It's messy and hurts people but it happens. Look around!
It's not right, but to brand him a liar and cheat is not helping. He hasn't had sex and most men would not regard an asexual affair as adultery.

You don't even know if he lied. maybe his wife knows what is going on- maybe she too is playing away?

purplepeony · 18/09/2010 15:48

Well, OP I think he is making promises that even he might not be able to keep. maybe he said that as he thought going away would be a risk- so he offered you "permanancy". For all you know, he may be kicking imself and regretting it just as much as you are... and wondering how to tell you.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/09/2010 15:48

The fact that you are asking what to do about this suggests that you are considering the option of letting this run, until the MM does make the ultimate sacrifice for you, at which point you will decline. In fact although I agree with posters who suggest you are deluding yourself that any man would leave his family for so little, I am rather worried that you will take this on as a personal challenge.

You wouldn't be the first woman whose attraction to affairs with attached people is not the man himself, but the sacrifices he is prepared to make to give her a massive boost. You declared love, you say and yet even before you went away, you knew that there was a high chance you'd have your head turned?

End this with the MM now and hope and pray that you and he haven't caused too much damage to his family.

And consider getting to the bottom of why you behave like this. Try and find out whether you've got high narcissistic tendencies, because it sounds like it.

dignified · 18/09/2010 15:51

but to brand him a liar and cheat is not helping. He hasn't had sex and most men would not regard an asexual affair as adultery.

But most wives would i think.

ShadeofViolet · 18/09/2010 15:51

You dumped him via email

purplepeony · 18/09/2010 15:52

WWIFN- she won't let it run..she has met another man she likes more who is free.

Why do people have to bandy this "narcisitic" label about so much?

This is not aimed at you WWIFN, but MN is full of amateur psychologists who really do more potential damage than good. Using labels of conditions like that so lightly is not helping anyone.

People don't have to have a psychiatric condition or personality disorder to fall in love with the wrong person!

Original poster

dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 15:53

I do not view him as a cheat or a liar, he is a good man. I am positive that the wife has no idea what is going on.

In my head i know i dont owe him anything but its been an intense couple of months and literally hundreds of emails and lots of phonecalls.

Maybe i dont deserve a wonderfull new relationship but i absolutely do not want to be labelled as a marriage wrecker either and thats exactly what i will be known as.

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 18/09/2010 15:54

you work with this guy, the MM, so he will be back at work with you soon. Have you thought about how to handle that/him if you don't want to be with after all? Could be uncomfortable...

I'd also say if you're sure he isn't what you want, best say so and avoid him telling his wife and the whole marriage crashing down etc, causing a lot of pain and hardship if you think he is really planning to do that.

Sounds like you were flattered by his attention (and b y the new man too) but you aren't really in love with either. Am I right? Why not wait for somone who really interests you IYSWIM.

dignified · 18/09/2010 15:57

Dodgy , i think you are a player , youve gone from declaring love to this guy to fobbing him off for another guy within a few months.

I dont think you had any genuine feelings for him in the first place , just a desire to boost your own ego . Presumably if new man doesnt prop you up properly youll move on to someone else.

Tortington · 18/09/2010 15:59

it takes two to tango.

in your situation i would tell the married guy to come back when he is divorced. if nothing else keep your dignity love.

if the other guy is having an affair and all this 'my marriage is on the rocks' shit is bullshit, then he is more to blame IMO

so keep your distance

Original poster

dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 16:00

I had to do it by email, its the only way we can communicate with each other.

I do not want to let this run on and he does need to know that i feel differently and most importantly not strong enough to go through with all that he is promising.

I dont think i am a narcisist in the slightest i think i just always knew deep down that i wasnt happy with the situation and no i did not view it as a personal challenge.

The whole thing has just got way out of control and the frightening thing is that yes i believe he would have and still will leave his wife.

OP posts:

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