Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am the other woman..

102 replies

dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 15:24

For the past few months i have been involved in an Emotional Affair with a MM i work with. It has become extremely intense very, very quickly..

At the moment he is working away so all contact has been through emails and phonecalls. I must stress that absolutely nothing physical has happened between us. He says when he gets back he will leave his wife of 15 years and teenage son.

Then we will live together happily ever after. It sounds somewhat simplitstic but that is what he is promising to do, this is all his own decision with absolutely no pressure from me at all.

The thing is i am not comfortable with it at all. I too am working away and will be for the next few months. I feel incredible guilt and disgust at myself for letting the situation get out of hand and the fact that i let it run. I accepted all his declarations of love and i made a fair few to him too.

I always knew that me going away would be a massive personal test for me, just to see if i could keep my head from turning...

Alas no, my head has been well and truly turned by a stunning guy who has no ties or baggage.

The problem i have is that i dont know how to tell the MM that i am no longer interested?
He seems to have put all his eggs of future happiness in 1 basket with me and its just too much.

I have no idea if anything could or would happen with the stunning man but the fact that i have looked and wondered tells me that my heart just isnt in it with MM...

I feel embarrassed and ashamed and genuinley upset that i will be devastating him and more so that he is away working at the minute..

I am expecting to be flamed and thats ok as i am flaming myself daily anyway....

OP posts:
Original poster
dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 19:34

I am a parent, but i didnt realise there were rules that you had to be one before posting on here?

Oh and if you had read my post properly you would have realised that i am not 'shagging' a married man, ive never 'shagged' a married man.

Also not trolling in the slightest, christ i wish it was a fabrication, sadly its my life at the minute..

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 18/09/2010 19:45

He's married.
he's off the market.

You are pondering what to do... Hmm

WTF, you may not know the rules about MN, but surely you ought to know the rules about MM...

Tell him to fuck the fuck off back to his poor family and go off and do the right thing, ideally try and find your dignity, self respect and self esteem, so you can stick to those partners where you will not be breaking poor kids hearts...

There! hardly rocket science is it?

Gay40 · 18/09/2010 19:51

FGS. No one is breaking his kids hearts, other than the MM who has been told to sling his hook.

I'm not seeing the need for all the hysterical reaction.

Original poster
dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 20:30

Jeez LMHF i hear you loud and clear, just to clarify that there will be no breaking of kids hearts, no shagging and i have total control of my dignity, self respect and self esteem..
i made a bad judgement and now wish i hadnt and want to end it thats all..

OP posts:
tadpoles · 18/09/2010 20:35

Oh dear, what an absurd storm in a teacup! And they didn't even get a shag - sorry, it's Saturday night and all that!

What a load of melodrama about nothing. OP, just because he "says" he will do something, doesn't mean he "will" do it. I think that can be safely said about married men who are looking for an extra-marital? I mean, obviously, they have to say all sorts of things. But not necessarily a good idea to take it that seriously.

Ditto single men! :)

FakePlasticTrees · 18/09/2010 20:37

fuschiagroan - I know 2 couples who started off as emotional affairs (although one of them he wasn't married, but living with his partner for years and 'as good as').

OP - there is a chance he's focussed on his relationship with you as he wants out of his marriage but needs 'a reason' to go.

Make it clear it's over and focus on finding a healthy relationship for yourself.

emmyloulou · 18/09/2010 20:59

Who cares whether they shagged or not? For a lot of people the sex is irrelevant it's the intention, hence the term emotional affair and why it destroys marriages.

So I don't see what shagging him has got to do with it.

fortyplus · 18/09/2010 21:10

Errrr...

I think I want to shag someone...

...I actually go ahead and do it.

Is there really no difference? Hmm

fortyplus · 18/09/2010 21:12

Thinking about it - dh could think that he'd like to shag someone else as much as he likes, but if he had the self control not to go ahead and do it then I don't think I'd have too much of a problem with the fact that he was actually capable of emotional warmth towards another female.

Or maybe I'm just weird...

emmyloulou · 18/09/2010 21:17

Wow emotional warmth is it now, when your hubby focuses on another woman and makes plans to up and leave.

Glad you'd be ok with that, try and tell the poor women who have been through an emotional affair that Hmm

Isn't the worst thing for a high % of women, correct me if I am wrong, the deceit and emotional connection in an affair NOT the sex.

fortyplus · 18/09/2010 21:24

Oh I agree a full blown emotional affair is disastrous -but I fail to see that there is no difference between that and having sex with someone.

For me sex is the magical, special bond between a couple that is shared with no one else.

Friendship, phone calls, e-mails... all a grey area where lines can become blurred.

Sex or not - black and white to me.

miopus · 18/09/2010 21:39

dodgy -

My man tells me that all blokes shag because that is their nature - ie nature tells them to reproduce. You mean nothing to the bloke other than someone else to shag.

Unlikely he will ever leave his kids for you, but for him you'r just someone else to shag. Have more respect for yourself.

ShadeofViolet · 18/09/2010 21:59

Is everyone ignoring the Elephant on the thread?

Hmm
Panzee · 18/09/2010 22:00

Maybe he's an Undercover Elephant?

(sorry)

dignified · 18/09/2010 22:12

What do you mean ShadeofViolet ?

ShadeofViolet · 18/09/2010 22:14

cakeprogression's post at 19:05:25.

emmyloulou · 18/09/2010 22:17

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh yes twas all a bit far fetched wasn't it?

HappySlapper · 18/09/2010 22:18

I wasn't ignoring it. I was just making some popcorn Grin

I think OP's been given a really hard time, tbh. She hasn't even slept with him - and that does make a difference. Some of you act like you've never even had an impure thought Hmm

dignified · 18/09/2010 22:23

Do you think its a troll ? I dont understand.

ShadeofViolet · 18/09/2010 22:25

I dont know if CakeProtector was the OP but this happens all the time - OP posts about OW/OM/DH whatever and then that person apparently comes on and a slanging match ensues.

This one didnt quite take off how the troll was hoping though.

dignified · 18/09/2010 22:27

Ah i see. I just thought it was an angry wife going through somthing similar !

fortyplus · 18/09/2010 22:30

But if a troll why say you're not shagging. If I wanted to troll I'd say I;m shagging a MM and we're having a great time - fuck the lot of you what's wrong with that?

Or something like that... Grin

[fortyplus far too old and sensible for bothering to troll, obviously]

ShadeofViolet · 18/09/2010 22:37

I dont know that the OP is a troll, just Cakeprotector.

fuschiagroan · 18/09/2010 22:39

least spectacular troll ever

ShadeofViolet · 18/09/2010 22:42

:o