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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am the other woman..

102 replies

dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 15:24

For the past few months i have been involved in an Emotional Affair with a MM i work with. It has become extremely intense very, very quickly..

At the moment he is working away so all contact has been through emails and phonecalls. I must stress that absolutely nothing physical has happened between us. He says when he gets back he will leave his wife of 15 years and teenage son.

Then we will live together happily ever after. It sounds somewhat simplitstic but that is what he is promising to do, this is all his own decision with absolutely no pressure from me at all.

The thing is i am not comfortable with it at all. I too am working away and will be for the next few months. I feel incredible guilt and disgust at myself for letting the situation get out of hand and the fact that i let it run. I accepted all his declarations of love and i made a fair few to him too.

I always knew that me going away would be a massive personal test for me, just to see if i could keep my head from turning...

Alas no, my head has been well and truly turned by a stunning guy who has no ties or baggage.

The problem i have is that i dont know how to tell the MM that i am no longer interested?
He seems to have put all his eggs of future happiness in 1 basket with me and its just too much.

I have no idea if anything could or would happen with the stunning man but the fact that i have looked and wondered tells me that my heart just isnt in it with MM...

I feel embarrassed and ashamed and genuinley upset that i will be devastating him and more so that he is away working at the minute..

I am expecting to be flamed and thats ok as i am flaming myself daily anyway....

OP posts:

ShadeofViolet · 18/09/2010 16:00

Do you have self esteem issues Dodgy - it seems like you jump at the first man who is nice to you and then move on to the next.

purplepeony · 18/09/2010 16:02

dodgy- give yourself a break. What you did wasn't great but you aren't a criminal either. of course you deserve a new relationship! Loads of people fall in love when they are marrried to another person. it's life. MN is notoriously intolerant of anything to do with OM and I am often flamed for giving another persective.

40% of all marriages break down and I don't know how many are due to OM/OW, but a fair few. This is not to say I think it's right, as I do believe everyone should try their hardest to stay married or leave first- but humans aren't perfect.

purplepeony · 18/09/2010 16:03

Shades- that's a really unkind thing to say- what on earth do you know of the OP's life to make that comment? Who says he is the first man to show any love etc etc?

FallingWithStyle · 18/09/2010 16:04

In your email - did you break it all off or just tell him you're not ready for him to leave his wife yet?

Original poster

dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 16:08

You lot have got me all wrong, when i say my head has been turned thats all i mean!!

I havent moved on to someone new i just had a 'what if' moment.

I dont think i have self esteem issues and certainly dont jump at the first man who is nice to me, as for being a player, i wouldnt say i am..

Christ i shoudnt have bothered posting, no one can help me but myself, i was more looking for advice on how to handle his upset and my guilt for being the reason..

OP posts:

Orangerie · 18/09/2010 16:08

I think you are very naive, a married man that you have a crush with is offering to leave his family for you?

Wake up and smell the coffee, he just wants to shag you.

... but thinks you are so naive, that the only way you would agree to it is by telling you she is leaving EVERYTHING for you..

ZZZenAgain · 18/09/2010 16:09

for the few intense months when he was declaring that he loved you and you told him you loved him too, what did have in mind - where the whole thing was going, how it was supposed to pan out?

Orangerie · 18/09/2010 16:10

As for the advice, don't worry about him being upset, he won't, and as for guilt... well he deserves that and even more, he is married... it serves him right.

ShadeofViolet · 18/09/2010 16:10

I dont think I am being unkind - she fell in love with MM, encuraged him to leave his wife and then found single man who ticked the unbaggage box, so MM is yesterdays news.

purplepeony · 18/09/2010 16:12

dodgy never come to MN with anything remotely resembling the OM as I think I am the only person who will not flame you- and in turn be flamed myself.

I'd say you need to break it along these lines- being apart has given you the chance to think. You want to be colleagues ( if you do) but no more. You are happy being the OW and things have run away with you. You are sorry if you have led him on- you did so becasue you genuinely care for him- but it cannot be a relationship whilst he is still married to anyone else.

Don;t mention the new attraction.

FallingWithStyle · 18/09/2010 16:13

Ok, advice: It's not for you to "handle his upset", believe me, he'll manage just fine - although he'll be somewhat pissed that he's done all this without getting the shag at the end of it. As for your guilt, well you're a big girl - you'll manage.

purplepeony · 18/09/2010 16:15

sorry- not happy being the OW!!!!

Shades- get a grip. Read the OP first post- she did no encouraging.

why are people so unkind to other women who are trying to find a way ou t of a tricky situation? You'll be wanting to lash her next or cut her hands off. This is not Saudi- it's England.

Gay40 · 18/09/2010 16:16

I don't think you are a marriage wrecker - that's a title for your married man.
And really it's just as well you realised you weren't so fussed for him before he gets back.

(I'll be flamed also, for failing to suggest you should be burned at the stake.)

Original poster

dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 16:18

In the email i basically said that i have had a lot of time on my own to properly think - it was a long journey here and new environment with a fair bit of free time..

I told him i dont think i am strong enough to deal with the fall out of his decision that i am experiencing huge guilt about the situation and that i am sorry but i just dont feel the same as i did a week ago..

OP posts:

Tootlesmummy · 18/09/2010 16:19

Dodgy, you haven't behaved well as you have said yourself however, I think a number of comments are harsh but that MN for you I'm afraid.
I think you've done the right thing now by telling him before he tells his wife he is leaving, what he does now is up to him.
Something couldn't have been right in his relationship for him to be where he is now but that's not your concern now.
My concern is if you're still working together in the future is that likely to mean it will start again or make it difficult for you both?

purplepeony · 18/09/2010 16:20

sounds fine- he might be very relieved. Who is to know if he is not having the same dilemma!

FallingWithStyle · 18/09/2010 16:21

Ok, but does that mean you have decided its over OR does it mean you're still open to persuasion?

Because it doesn't sound awfully decisive - and thats how these things end up dragging on because one or both parties cant let go of the lovelorn drama of it all when, in truth, any real feelings have long since ebbed away.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/09/2010 16:23

Purplepeony that is patently ridiculous, when there is another thread running atm about an OM and no-one is flaming the OP - even people who have been on the receiving end of infidelity can respond to a humanitarian crisis and recognise human fallibility.

By and large I think people's reaction depends on the posters' attitudes, yours included, not the fact that infidelity is involved.

Original poster

dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 16:25

Thanks PP and Gay40...

I was braced for a flaming and quite rightly so, i now wonder if i should assess my character and use the next few months wisely to do it.

Yes we will go back to being colleagues but thankfully he will be in another area which means i will see him from time to time but not every day.

Not a chance will i mention the 'new attraction' and that is all he is, nothing more than just a lovely guy i can chat away to.

OP posts:

ShadeofViolet · 18/09/2010 16:25

I have a perfect grip, but thanks for your concern PP.

She may think that she hasnt encouraged him, but by continuing the emotional affair she has encouraged him. Why did she not say no when he first said he was leaving his wife and son if she is so innocent?

dignified · 18/09/2010 16:25

she did no encouraging

She did no DIScouraging either re leaving his wife , and despite the ops insistance that he would of left , i dont think he would have.

fuschiagroan · 18/09/2010 16:26

If you know that you don't want to be with him then just tell him quickly. He will get over it, and it may make him take another look at his marriage and what he can do to be a better husband etc. or if he wants to leave on his own account.

Some people do decide to leave for someone else very quickly, which is sometimes because they knew a long time ago that the marriage was over for them. I can't think why else someone would ask to leave. And as for just wanting to shag you, I'm sure he if that's what he wanted he could find someone else to do it with even if he was married.

purplepeony · 18/09/2010 16:29

Purplepeony that is patently ridiculous, when there is another thread running atm about an OM and no-one is flaming the OP - even people who have been on the receiving end of infidelity can respond to a humanitarian crisis and recognise human fallibility.

WWIFN- I am aware of the other thread by Howdi; it is a very long thread and at times she was subjected to some comments that were not helpful.

'd say 90% of MN posters here do not give any OW an easy ride. YOU gave Howdi a huge amount of suport for reasons knwon to you, but that is unusual here. Most women have to eat glass and walk over hot coals before they can receive any sympathy from other MN on the OW situation. As I said, it sometimes makes me wonder which culture and which century I am in.

Original poster

dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 16:34

Oh god i am not innocent and i fully admit this! Yes i wholeheartedly did encourage him and yes i absolutely was flattered.. BUT i do not want to be in this situation any longer!!

I know the email sounds indecisive and thats why i was looking for some advice.

Im 8000 miles away from my best friends and more tragically their thoughts, i thought i could maybe see if MN could step in to give me another perspective.

OP posts:

FallingWithStyle · 18/09/2010 16:36

Purplepony - is it not just the case that most people do not give an easy ride to anyone behaving a in a selfish and potentially destructive way? Could be affairs, could be bad parenting, could be drink driving...

I'm not especially riled by the idea of affairs - I know they happen, just one of those things but come on, what other kind of response would anyone expect?

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