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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am the other woman..

102 replies

dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 15:24

For the past few months i have been involved in an Emotional Affair with a MM i work with. It has become extremely intense very, very quickly..

At the moment he is working away so all contact has been through emails and phonecalls. I must stress that absolutely nothing physical has happened between us. He says when he gets back he will leave his wife of 15 years and teenage son.

Then we will live together happily ever after. It sounds somewhat simplitstic but that is what he is promising to do, this is all his own decision with absolutely no pressure from me at all.

The thing is i am not comfortable with it at all. I too am working away and will be for the next few months. I feel incredible guilt and disgust at myself for letting the situation get out of hand and the fact that i let it run. I accepted all his declarations of love and i made a fair few to him too.

I always knew that me going away would be a massive personal test for me, just to see if i could keep my head from turning...

Alas no, my head has been well and truly turned by a stunning guy who has no ties or baggage.

The problem i have is that i dont know how to tell the MM that i am no longer interested?
He seems to have put all his eggs of future happiness in 1 basket with me and its just too much.

I have no idea if anything could or would happen with the stunning man but the fact that i have looked and wondered tells me that my heart just isnt in it with MM...

I feel embarrassed and ashamed and genuinley upset that i will be devastating him and more so that he is away working at the minute..

I am expecting to be flamed and thats ok as i am flaming myself daily anyway....

OP posts:

ShadeofViolet · 18/09/2010 16:37

Yes i wholeheartedly did encourage him

I rest my case.

ZZZenAgain · 18/09/2010 16:38

wait for his reaction then and if need be, call. If you do, listen, say little but say what you mean and not some nicey-nice waffle. Get to the point. I think you have to be clear though, he has to know what's what and for that, you have to first know yourself. You want him definitely or you don't want him definitely.

You said you'll be working away for a few months, so time for it all to blow over.

Probably isn't such a big deal IMO

FallingWithStyle · 18/09/2010 16:39

Look, the best thing is to end it. You've done that - now follow it through, dont get sucked back in, dont worry yoursle over his hurt, he'll cope. Ans you'll be fine too, move on to bigger and better things.

Just do it, stop the navel-gazing. You'll be fine.

purplepeony · 18/09/2010 16:41

I'm not especially riled by the idea of affairs - I know they happen, just one of those things but come on, what other kind of response would anyone expect?

Understanding? Compassion? Less holier-than-thou, preachy preachy? None judgy the way that a counsellor would? Answering the OP's questions rather than pychoanalysing her and coming up with pseud-psycho labels?

Enough from me!

Gay40 · 18/09/2010 16:42

No, I don't think it's a massive deal either. He'll get over it, so will you, the wife will either never know and they'll trundle on or he'll leave - either way, I don't believe anyone in a happy satisfied relationship can be encouraged to leave.

dignified · 18/09/2010 16:46

I think its due to the tone Purple , ive read many threads about this sort of thing , the people involved are usually sorry and wonder how they got sucked in.
This just sounds very self indulgent , especially with the insistance that he was going to leave his wife, that the wife doesnt know ect .
She cant possibly know what the wife does or doesnt know , any remorse she feels is for herself , not for his wife , and not for his son.

FallingWithStyle · 18/09/2010 16:46

Purplepony - there's been plenty of that though, but you seem to be just picking up on those posts you disagree with. And given that any contentious thread (even not at all contentious ones sometimes) will have a mixed bag of responses, some of them very harsh, it just seems a bit odd that you're so very put out that anyone would post negatively to someone involved in an affair.
I assume you must have personal experience which makes you take this all a bit personally.

getabloodygrip · 18/09/2010 16:47

Oh for the love of god.

ZZZenAgain · 18/09/2010 16:51

I am afraid I agree with dignified about the way the OP came across to me when I read it and I didn't think ShadeofViolet went OTT either.

Jsut seems to me the situation is the way it is for OP atm and she needs clarity before she can sort it out. Then once you have clarity, you have to try and act in a consequent manner which means find your line and stick to it.

It's not so easy when it is you and your emotions involved but if you can't manage it, you just drift about in messy relationships

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/09/2010 16:59

OP that E mail leaves far too much room for manouevre. Now with any luck, MM will think "phew, that was a lucky escape" but it is remotely possible that he'll reply with some tosh about you being too "special" to be an OW and this is precisely why he is ending his marriage.

Unlike others, I would mention that you're now attracted to someone else and that this tells you that your feelings for him were not based in reality and you got caught up in the fantasy element of this. Say you were both wrong to get involved in the relationship and wish him luck in the future.

I couldn't help noticing that you said that "I'm 8000 miles away from my best friends and more tragically their thoughts." It's not a tragedy, it's just a bit of a shame, that's all - and further stengthens suspicions that you might enjoy over-dramatising situations somewhat...

dignified · 18/09/2010 17:16

I agree with wwifn and i also think you are enjoying the drama.
If youve decided you dont want to see him any more , you say so, its that simple.

Instead you state its true love stuff , hes bared his self to you , hes banking on you for his happiness , hes going to leave his wife for you , that he,ll be so devestated and youll need to manage his upset .
Its just a barrage of indulgent statements about how important you think you are to him. Its almost a bit boastfull.

I think its highly likeley that he will not be devestated , that he wasnt going to leave his wife and that hes simply been playing with you in order to get a cheap shag and an ego boost . The fact you are unwilling to consider this and that you strongly state he WOULD leave his wife for you is quite telling. I doubt your that important to him.

fuschiagroan · 18/09/2010 17:19

You guys don't know that though.

But the thing is, it's really quite simple. You have found someone better! It may be he does care deeply for you now, but now isn't forever. I don't see why anyone would play this out for months just to get a shag. Shags are pretty easy to come by.

ZZZenAgain · 18/09/2010 17:30

whatever MM wanted, whatever type of character he has and the same with OP, the thing is there are attractive young men (and women) out there. They both will encounter them again in life, repeatedly.

The question is whether you have decided to commit to another person beforehand. If you have and you then encounter a stunningly attractive member of the opposite sex who shows an interest in you, you notice it but it is down to your character really whether you register it and remember your committment to someone else and choose not to act on a momentary attraction. If someone doesn't have a strong character, they'll be swayed anytime by anyone

Original poster

dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 17:30

If all he wanted was a cheap shag then he must be crazy to put this much work and be prepared to wait 7 months till he got it!

I dont think i am being indulgent though i possibly am being a drama queen but the situation is so bizarre and surreal that i cant help but be dramatic.

I get the points that you have all made and thankyou, at the end of the day he is a MM with a family.

I am still single, i havent found someone else better, not at all, it was purely the fact that i could look at another man in that way which made me question everything about the EA and my willingness to be deceitfull.

I have made the correct decision to put an end to it and i shall make it clear, here's hoping it was indeed the get out he may have been wanting all along..

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 18/09/2010 17:33

good luck with it dodge

ZZZenAgain · 18/09/2010 17:39

I do think it is possible to think about other men in that manner and find them attractive whilst genuinely loving your dp. Just as your dp will look at other women and find them attractive in an erotic/sexual/romantic manner. It's fairly instinctive so I am not sure if you can completely eradicate it - but whether you indulge it or act on it is something else IYSWIM

celticfairy101 · 18/09/2010 17:43

Classy. Innit.

FakePlasticTrees · 18/09/2010 17:54

well, to me it sounds like you got swept up in the excitment and the lust which you weren't actually doing anything about. Mistakenly thought it was love, and now you are away from the drama, the passion, the sexual tension and the object of your lust, your feelings have faded and you've seen someone else you fancy. You won't be the first to mix up sexual desire and love.

Men do leave their wives for woman they've never slept with - and the ones I've met, I've aways wondered if they would have left if they'd had a full blown affair, got it out of their system and didn't have to end their marriage to have sex with the person they wanted to have sex with.

Make it clear you don't want him. It's not just cold feet, say "I don't love you". It's harsh, but he needs to do some thinking, and this might force him to do that. Otherwise, he might put his effort into winning you back.

fortyplus · 18/09/2010 17:56

dodgyinnit - I won't be flaming you either
He clearly has an obsession with you - he'll probably look back in months/years to come and realise it was a huge mistake and rather ridiculous.

You owe him nothing - don't feel guilty. You need to tell him that you've had time to reflect and can't see a future with him.

You don't need to tell him about the other guy you fancy - the important thing is that you don't want to be with MM.

For what it's worth I think it's possible to bare your soul to other people of either sex without it being classified as an emotional affair. I have quite an intense relationship with a male friend who separated from his wife (also my friend) a while back. I don't fancy him and would have no intention of having a relationship with him even if I were single too.

fuschiagroan · 18/09/2010 17:56

"Men do leave their wives for woman they've never slept with"

Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn?

Original poster

dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 17:56

Yes i do SWYM, i did not act on it but i did indulge it and that i feel is wrong. I understand once i eventually find myself in a 'healthy' genuinely available relationship then there may well be times of finding other men attractive and vice versa.

If i believed what i said to MM then i would not have indulged at all so i guess that says it all really.

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 18/09/2010 18:08

are you alright?

Original poster

dodgyinnit · 18/09/2010 18:17

Yeah im fine, i guess just properly annoyed with myself for getting into a situation that im not proud of. The good thing is we have a lot of distance and 4 months to get over it..

OP posts:

cakeprogression · 18/09/2010 19:05

I am the other REAL woman. Fuck yOU dodgy.

Fuck off and leave us alone.

LittleMissHissyFit · 18/09/2010 19:26

So dodgy, you have come onto a predominantly female, usually parents site, strap-line "by parents for parents" to tell us that you are shagging a married man...

Surely there must be better sites to go to.

If you are not trolling just for the dust up, then you are coming on here to, what?, gloat

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