OK - an attempt to answer some of the questions above.
The marriage wasn't in a good place before the affair. We had stopped communicating. DH was on long term sick leave (stress related) which started a few weeks before I went back to work from mat leave. That situation had been ongoing for about 6 months and I think we'd both closed down. I had a new role and was trying to prove myself - they had some concerns given me having a baby. I hadn't wanted to return FT or into such a demanding role but I'd lost confidence in DH's ability to hold down a job and felt I had to take it on so that we could pay the mortgage.
It meant my DD going into nursery FT and to be honest, I thought my heart was going to break at the beginning when she was going there. I felt so ripped apart leaving her and found getting through the day at work very hard. I could only cope by throwing myself into the job.
I suppose I felt angry and resentful that the responsibility fell squarely on my shoulders. At the time DH either wouldn't or couldn't address any of this.
Now, I'm not complaining about going back to work. 've always been driven and have built up a great CV in a profesional field BUT we had agreed that we would keep an eye out for a PT, less demanding job for me while DD (and the hoped for other baby) were small and that DH would 'step up' for that time. I would then when they started school ramp up my career and DH could do something more creative or go PT.
Now I know plans rarely work out especially operating in the decimated jobs market that we're in now but I suppose I was angry that it felt like DH had opted out and it was up to me to sort everything. As it is I take care of all financial, house, mortgage, bills, insurance etc. This has been an ongoing bone of contention with occasional rows cropping up. I'm of the opinion we should share this stuff equally, DH will agree during a row (nagging session I suppose) but then do nothing about it until red letters are coming through the door which I eventually open. Now I read that back it sounds ike I'm blaming DH - I'm not 'm just trying to explain the background to the marriage at the time. So, like other things, I just decided to do ot myself - not worth the aggro.
The other big issue around the time of the affair starting was that we had moved house and bought our forever house (biggish mortgage). I drove the process but DH loved the house we bought and was really involved in viewings etc. I sorted the mortgage for us after some disappointing meetings with IFAs and got us a decent rate and terms. But I didn't want the responsibility for signing us up to something like that. I set aside time for us to go through the papers, repayments (as against nursery fees, salary etc) but DH wouldn't be pinned down. He promised to work through it on his own and told me he had before we signed.
It transpired afterwards that he hadn't read the papers and that was the final straw for me in some ways. I withdrew because I felt that was such a breach of trust. And so irresponsible.
I'm fairly cautious and signed us up to something that we could afford on one salary - which was a good thing as DH has had so much sick leave he wasn't payed for a good proportion of the year.
I just got to the point I think of being very angry and resentful that I was paying the full nursery fees, mortgage, sorting DD's meals, clothes etc, always tired and in a really stressful work environment. It was so far from what I'd hoped we could manage between us and I wasn't able to enoy DD growing up - that felt like the biggest loss and I know it will haunt me for years to come.
I've resigned myself to no more children in my marriage because I couldn't cope with this and 2 children. And although DH is in a better place and back at work (although not full hours), I would always be looking over my shoulder for the next time.
The flip side of all of this is that I was irritable, tired and fed up at home. He wasn't in a good place and I failed to help him with that in any meaningful way. I screamed and shouted on the rare times we talked about things. I was out of control and sometimes I felt like I hated him and blamed him for everything.
He must have wondered why he married such a cold horrible woman who didn't look after him when he was low.
I do feel very guilty about that.
I felt quite numb to life at the time. I can remember feeling trapped and wondering if I'd done the right thing having DD because it meant I couldn't leave. That is in itself crazy because she was the most longed for child - I had been desperate to get pregnant and had two post 12 week miscarriages before I had my successful pregnancy with DD. I loved being pregnant (completely terrified and I did bleed with her and thought she'd gone a few times) but once I got past 20 weeks and I had my bump, I was so serene and so happy. I loved every uncomfortable minute of it. I loved maternity leave - I felt so happy to be her mummy. Even a pretty traumatic and horrible birth didn't put a dent in it. I was 29 when I had her - quite average I thnk.
I don't know what my attachment style is like. I've always been grounded. I am pretty resilient and everybody always describes me as capable. Which I despise because it seems to give people licence to rely on me and never ever think that I would possibly need anything back. I grew up in a big family (5 kids) and we are loving and close. I probably don't have the sort of relationship with my mum that you might have in a smaller family. She's very maternal and so helpful and giving to say she has all tehse kids and grandkids - she will put herself out to help if she can but I think she preferred my brother and sisters. I wonder if all kids in big families think that. I did definitely try to gain approval from mum and dad. I was a bit of a 'high flyer' at school from the beginning. I realised that wasn't cool and kept it to myself but I didn't need to try, was affable and well liked but came out of the not best comp in the world with straight As. Did that at A level - decided on the job I'd do and went and did the 6 years training and qualified. Went to uni miles and miles away which my mum took as me being deliberately arkward. I was very driven throughout and although my Dad was proud as punch and would brag to all and sundry my mum wasn't impressed by it and I think found my single mindedness annoying.
My job is a bit of a vulnerability - expected to socialise etc. One client asked me "how married are you?" and I've been propositioned on another occasion after a black tie event. We do major projects and work intensely in smallish teams for the length of the projects. I have seen it happen at work quite a lot.
Otherwise, no infidelity in either family or our friendship circle.
It has surprised me how much these questions have helped my thinking. I think what I liked with OM was the fact that he was older and took control a bit - he made me feel as though he would look after me, protect me. It was a strange feeling and yes I was surprised that I liked that feeling - at one point I was caught up in the intensity of the whole thing and in the right circumstances I may have slept with him. He took control of that and said that he wouldn't let me do that while I still thought I could sort my marriage out. Without him making that decision, I may have thought 'sod it' and then forever regretted it. I guess it was nice to pass over the decision making for a bit.
Sorry for the war and peace response. And thank you again.