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Original poster

Is this a dealbreaker?

59 replies

irishma · 14/09/2010 10:16

Hey guys..not a usual poster but love the advice yuu guys give and I could do with some now...

Been with my DP for 11 years now and we have a 4 year old DS.

My question is...we are not married nor engaged. We live together and have done for many years and we have a really great relationships..we are two very similar people and rarely fight. We adore our son and we have a really happy family unit going on.

Recently a lot of our friends are getting married. As someone gets married or engaged, it inevitably raises the question. "well when are you and DP going to give us a day out". And what do I say? He has never asked!! Ive never been one to put a focus on marraige though I do believe in the idea. We have been doing fine without it and I think our commitment is as stong without one as it would be with one.

Recently I went for dinner with a friend and as she was tipsy she had the courage to say that everyone thought it was weird that we werent engaged and basically I was good enough to sleep with and not marry and that if it were her then it would be a dealbreaker... if he doesnt ask then do I want to be with someone who doesnt want to marry me..

What do you guys think? Can I weigh up the great relationship up against the fact that he hasnt asked? I cant stop thinking about it and its making me cross...

BTW we have discussedmarraige on 3 occasions and something always came up at that time..

Sorry its so long!!!

OP posts:
Rycie · 14/09/2010 10:19

How do you feel about it? If its not an issue for you then don't make it one because of pressure from your family and friends.

You say its making you cross, but was it bothering you before you had dinner with your friend?

missldi · 14/09/2010 10:26

i was with my now DH for 8 years before we got engaged and married...he used to say we were as good as married(were living together); however, it meant a lot to me that he would make the formal legal commitment before we had children. I know it's a traditional point of view, but if you're good enough to have children with, the offer of marriage should be made-then it's up to you whether you do or not.

Original poster
irishma · 14/09/2010 10:32

Thanks for replying guys..

It MUST have been bothering me before this dinner because I cant be just so suddenly angry about it..It must have been simmering underneath..

Its like as if it has been pointed out to me that Im not good enough to be married and I dnt know who Im cross with..the friend for saying it..me for feeling it or him for not asking....

OP posts:
mummytime · 14/09/2010 10:32

Have you got all the legal stuff sorted, for example in case one of you dies?
If so then its up to you two to decide. Why do you have to wait for him to ask you? If you want to get married then ask him. If not make sure you have all the legal protection you and your DS need.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/09/2010 10:57

It is unbelievably old-fashioned in this day and age to "wait for a proposal". If you want to marry him (do you?) then state that and ask him. If he says no and you aren't happy with the reason, then make another decision based on that information.

Hullygully · 14/09/2010 10:58

It is just plain wrong

dittany · 14/09/2010 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ronshar · 14/09/2010 11:03

I was with DH for 9 years before I got fed up and pushed to get married. We were happy as we were but I did kind of get to the point where even the most unmarriable of our freinds were getting married, and I was hang on a min why are we not married.
He asked that year and we got married the year after. No real difference to our lives but we do feel much more together now and it feels alot more permanent. IYSWIM.

Original poster
irishma · 14/09/2010 11:08

We both equally own the house..the car is his but thats because I dont drive..we each have our own pension with work and have life assurance between us.. he is my beneficiary and I am his..Im his next of kin on any official documents..he is mine.. we have a will which really only states who will look after our son and that we want anything we have to go to him...

We are as equal as two people could be..maybe I am overreacting... I would hate to be the one who 'waits for a proposal' and I guess I dont like to be seen as such..maybe its the idea that people think I am that makes me cross!

BTW I would never propose...equal rights and all that but I just couldnt do it!!

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/09/2010 11:20

But why would you be angry if your friends thought that you are the sort who is waiting for a proposal, if you are the sort who would never ask a man to marry you, but would marry him if he asked? What's the difference and wouldn't your friends be right?

How can you believe in equality if you think that a man must always do the proposing?

Original poster
irishma · 14/09/2010 11:28

I dont think that a man should always propose and I do belive in equal rights... Im saying personally I could never propose..I am an extraordinarily shy blushy type person and the idea of doing it would send me into a cold sweat..if I was a smidgen more confident then of course I wouldnt just sit there...Id be married by now and not be posting this!

I guess I never thought of myself as sitting aroung waiting on a proposal until my friend said 'hey why you sitting around waiting for a proposal?' I gusee my quetion really at the beginning was having gone from never really thinking that it was an issue to suddenly realizing that it is more of an issue that I thought no only with myself but with people who know us...would you consider it a dealbreaker as such? I guess as I said before it seems to be a bigger issue with me than I thought...

Time to have a chat with himself methinks...

OP posts:
dittany · 14/09/2010 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missldi · 14/09/2010 11:43

Well, to echo what Ronshar said, marriage does make things seem more permanent.But it is something that only you can figure out if it really matters to your family. Still, it's nice to be asked, even if you decide to leave things as they are.I have to sat that I have heard people say they're not into marriage-and what it sometimes means is they're not into marriage with the person they're with. But as I said, you need to decide how youy reaaly feel and what you want.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 11:48

Well, I am an advocate of marriage in long-term monogamous relationships

But I wouldn't pressurise someone who wasn't (or didn't appear to be) unless I was specifically asked for my opinion

I do think you need to examine more carefully why a person with questionable manners has rocked your world quite so much

The answer to that might be enlightening

If you want to get married, and you can't face it, write him a letter Smile

If you are happy as you are (and it sounds like you have protected yourself, and dc, financially) then ignore what others think

MmeLindt · 14/09/2010 11:53

Anyfucker speaks sense. (As usual)

You sound happy with the way things are.

And why would being "engaged" be much better than how you are right now.

Can you ask him about his opinions on getting married, without it being a proposal? I know that when DH and I decided to get married, there was no surprise proposal, we talked about it and decided to do it.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 11:57

that is what we did too, Mm

we happily co-habited for several years until we decided we wanted children

the decision to get married was tied up in that, so it was more of a mutual discussion, IYSWIM

dittany · 14/09/2010 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkbasket · 14/09/2010 12:01

Ask yourself would I say yes if he asked, if the answer is yes and you feel you can't ask him, send him a text. It is only a dealbreaker if you feel it is but if you are truly happy why has she saying it made you feel as you do?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/09/2010 12:01

I agree Dittany.

dittany · 14/09/2010 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
irishma · 14/09/2010 12:05

Yeah your right..Im totally unreasonable here... Everything has been just fine till that dinner.. maybe Im more concerned about other peop;es perception of our relationship rather than the actual relationship itself.. and that aint right.....

You MN'ers give good advise dont ye??!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 12:07

oh yes indeedy Grin

Cretaceous · 14/09/2010 12:12

If you've never discussed it with him, then how's he to know you want to get married??? If you asked him, and he said no, then it might be a deal breaker.

Personally, it wouldn't occur to me that marriage was on the cards if you're living together and got a child. (And I'm a woman in that situation Grin ) Why worry about what your friend thinks? It doesn't necessarily represent what other people think at all.

dittany · 14/09/2010 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
irishma · 14/09/2010 12:14

We have discussed it and to be fair to him..there isnt anything that we couldnt discuss... I think the friends comments hit home because I never thought of myself sitting around waiting for a proposal, I always thought that what we have showed that we could take or leave marraige...

When I said I was shy..I meant I would never propose... Ill talk to him about this.. I was just curious if anyone had a similar experience...

OP posts:
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