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Original poster

Is this a dealbreaker?

59 replies

irishma · 14/09/2010 10:16

Hey guys..not a usual poster but love the advice yuu guys give and I could do with some now...

Been with my DP for 11 years now and we have a 4 year old DS.

My question is...we are not married nor engaged. We live together and have done for many years and we have a really great relationships..we are two very similar people and rarely fight. We adore our son and we have a really happy family unit going on.

Recently a lot of our friends are getting married. As someone gets married or engaged, it inevitably raises the question. "well when are you and DP going to give us a day out". And what do I say? He has never asked!! Ive never been one to put a focus on marraige though I do believe in the idea. We have been doing fine without it and I think our commitment is as stong without one as it would be with one.

Recently I went for dinner with a friend and as she was tipsy she had the courage to say that everyone thought it was weird that we werent engaged and basically I was good enough to sleep with and not marry and that if it were her then it would be a dealbreaker... if he doesnt ask then do I want to be with someone who doesnt want to marry me..

What do you guys think? Can I weigh up the great relationship up against the fact that he hasnt asked? I cant stop thinking about it and its making me cross...

BTW we have discussedmarraige on 3 occasions and something always came up at that time..

Sorry its so long!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
irishma · 16/09/2010 11:25

Seriously lads..thanks for the replies!

Just to update: I did bring it up with him.. My DS started school last week and he came home with a form to be filled in from school-you know the type..name dob next of kin. Because we are not married, DP had to sign stuff giving consent for all manner of things and I had to send a copy of his BC. Because you are right Ronshar...apparently DP has no rights..if you are not married the responsibility falls to the mother..

Anyways, so Im filling them in and I says "this would be easier if we were married you know (ha ha ha)" and he says "yeah we really need to get that sorted alright"..I just kind of laughed and off he went and no more was said.

This morning he was talking about our trip to Vegas next year and he asked did I want to invite anyone to come with us..He says just in case we decide to get hitched over there which he knows would be right up my street... I guess it only needed to be said..It wasnt the big deal that I made it to be!

OP posts:
Original poster
irishma · 16/09/2010 11:37

Seriously lads..thanks for the replies!

Just to update: I did bring it up with him.. My DS started school last week and he came home with a form to be filled in from school-you know the type..name dob next of kin. Because we are not married, DP had to sign stuff giving consent for all manner of things and I had to send a copy of his BC. Because you are right Ronshar...apparently DP has no rights..if you are not married the responsibility falls to the mother..

Anyways, so Im filling them in and I says "this would be easier if we were married you know (ha ha ha)" and he says "yeah we really need to get that sorted alright"..I just kind of laughed and off he went and no more was said.

This morning he was talking about our trip to Vegas next year and he asked did I want to invite anyone to come with us..He says just in case we decide to get hitched over there which he knows would be right up my street... I guess it only needed to be said..It wasnt the big deal that I made it to be!

OP posts:
Original poster
irishma · 16/09/2010 11:39

And sorry for the double post!

OP posts:
ronshar · 16/09/2010 11:46

Yeah a little white chapel wedding. Excellent.
Grin
So not the deal breaker you thought thenWink

Original poster
irishma · 16/09/2010 11:57

Nope..Now I shall hang my head in shame over the fact that I let other peoples comments get to me......Blush

OP posts:
AdelaofBlois · 16/09/2010 12:05

My partner and I really hated what marriage could be, looked at it hard, and found the only definite legal right that could not be assumed was paternity (relevant if the birth mother dies in child birth or will/can not name her partner). You seem like you've got the rest covered (although if nervous should check out house ownership etc.).

I don't know if you are worried practically, or just somehow feel you 'should' because that's how it is. In which case you do need to think about the strength of your feelings. Good piece posted here. You don't really have to share its political viewpoint to notice the love in that relationship, or the points about what questions women are made to answer:

www.thefword.org.uk/features/2004/03/are_you_married_if_not_why_not

mathanxiety · 16/09/2010 14:56

Make sure a Nevada marriage certificate is good in the UK (or Ireland if that's where you are).

Info links on getting married in Clark County (Las Vegas) Nevada.

glitzy · 16/09/2010 15:05

For info.. Nevada marriage Certificate is fine in the uk - and Vegas is a great place to tie the knot Grin

Manda25 · 16/09/2010 18:40

Unmarried dad's do have parental responsibility for their kids (as long as the are on the BC) since 2003.

I am more worried for my family if I die then if my DP did. If we split up we would be fine.

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