Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Ladies you thoughts please...

93 replies

WhyIsLifeNotSimple · 13/09/2010 13:54

My DP is extremely selfish when it comes to the bedroom department to the point that I am little more than an attachment that operates her vibrator for her while she lies on her stomach and demands I talk dirty.

Very very oacassionaly this does lead to a shag however again this is on her terms and always in the missionary position.

Normally however the vibrator session leads to her in floods of tears demanding a cuddle and telling me how much she loves me and pleading with me not to leave her.

We have been together for a little over 4 years and to start with we did have proper sex, (we were at it within an hour of meeting) although looking back that was normally on her terms. At one point we were getting experimental but when she realised that she was enjoying it she put an end to that.

When we met she was married (and still technically is) to a complete pig who used to help himself on a weekly basis under the threat of a good beating. to the point she had to prove to him that she was having her period. She has subsquently with my support thrown him out and even taken out injunctions etc.

However he is still holding up the divorce proceedings and generally causing her a lot of stress.

All of which I know can affect her sex drive however my patience is beginning to run thin as the selfish attitude is all pervasive as it effects everything including me working and thus the cashflow.

We live together with 2 of her 3 children (the oldest one moved out after her GCSEs and lives with her father as she was on the verge of being thrown out due to some.... erm... challenging behaviour patterns)an everytime some work comes up for me (I am self employed) she makes it very hard for me to actually do it either faking illness or just trying to mess with my head (I hasen to add that with out going into detail that if I do a weeks work it is worth an average of 1500 - 2000 quid).

I am exhausted by all this and am rapidly beginning to think that I am too nice and remembering the old saying that "nice guys never win"

Please can someone give me some perspective here.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/09/2010 13:57

why does your earning power have anything to do with this ?

buttonmoon78 · 13/09/2010 14:00

I don't know but I'm thinking it's to do with the fact that he's around quite a lot rather than I earn a lot per week therefore I'm a great catch.

But then, I'm always giving people the benefit of the doubt...

proudnglad · 13/09/2010 14:00

And why does the vibrator sessions leave her crying on the floor?

Am confused. And a bit re your attitude to her eldest child, mentioning that you and dp had sex an hour after you met, the illness faking and your weekly earnings.

ShirleyKnot · 13/09/2010 14:01

I'm a bit confused as to how her sex drive affects your working and therefore cashflow?

skidoodly · 13/09/2010 14:02

Men who think the phrase "nice guys never win" applies to them always make me suspicious.

What makes you sure you are a nice guy?

QueeferSutherland · 13/09/2010 14:03

Blimey, you're the nice guy?

Your op sounds quite vitriolic tbh.
You are blaming her performance in bed for your earning less money?
Are you sure she's got the problem?

AnyFucker · 13/09/2010 14:03

very strange post

perhaps best avoided

although I am sure there will some people who come along and shout "would you be so unsympathetic if this was a woman posting ???!!!"

well, to be quite honest, I would expect a woman to have a better grasp about wtf is going on in their own relationship

buttonmoon78 · 13/09/2010 14:04

OP - she sounds quite messed up. Which is not surprising if her x is as much of a git as you say. Has she been for any counselling? To leap from one relationship to another (albeit a crap one to a good one, taking your word that you are a nice guy) is not a great idea. To me it sounds like there are unresolved issues which are really clouding your relationship with her.

If sex was previously so un-enjoyable (to coin a word) she may well have been conditioned to believe this with all relationships, I'm guessing. And if she was with x for 16+ years (based on eldest dc's age), that's a long time for conditioning behaviour to become ingrained and entrenched.

My advice would be to broach the subject with her in a very non-confrontational way and suggest counselling - both together and individually.

ShirleyKnot · 13/09/2010 14:04

oh and the bit about your partner having been subjected to a weekly raping...?

Because that's what that was you know? She was raped once a week by her husband (and presumably this wasn't that long ago>) and your "patience is running thin"

nice guy.

weegiemum · 13/09/2010 14:05

bridge dweller

cyteen · 13/09/2010 14:06

So her ex used to rape her every week, and you're surprised she's got sexuality issues?

Thank goodness this is totally made up.

BalloonSlayer · 13/09/2010 14:06

I thought he just meant that if he gets stopped from going to work he loses a lot of money, so losing out on earning that much is a big issue.

QueeferSutherland · 13/09/2010 14:06

That crossed my mind AF. But then I thought if a woman was being so scathing of someone who had sexual hang-ups after an absisive relationship, she would be given short shrift too.

buttonmoon78 · 13/09/2010 14:07

And I'm ready to be proved wrong, but the OP sounds like a man. That is, not great at talking about emotional stuff (as a huge generalisation).

I think the sex / work / money things are unrelated in themselves but are symptoms of what's going wrong.

But I'm ready to eat my words whenever requested to do so.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/09/2010 14:07

Unfortunately, women who have had one awful relationship with a violent abuser sometimes follow it with another bad relationship - ie with an ego on a stick who sees himself as her 'rescuer' and therefore entitled to unending gratitude, subservience, adoration and sex on tap. Which may be what's happened here.

nickelbabe · 13/09/2010 14:08

she does sound really messed up by her Ex - she needs counselling, otherwise she will never let go and enjoy herself sexually - because she spent so long believing itwas wrong (after all, she was abused a lot and that will mess anyone up), that she can't believe now that it can be good. (you said she stops when she's enjoying herself)

Counselling is the only way.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2010 14:08

me too, queefer

but then on these "poor men" threads, you do get a contingent of women piling in to stroke the fuckwit's brow

buttonmoon78 · 13/09/2010 14:09

I hope that's not directed at me AF - I dislike a fuckwit as much as the next person!

QueeferSutherland · 13/09/2010 14:12

It's such a bloody shame there are so many fuckwit bloke posters, because when we do tell them they're a fuckwit, it gives the impression we're man-haters.
When in fact we are fuckwit-haters.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2010 14:13

it's not directed at anyone on this thread, button

I am referring to previous ones, where a distinct pattern sometimes emerges

if I was referring to you, I would have the courtesy to use your name

Malificence · 13/09/2010 14:15

I can't make head nor tale of the OP.
Lets hope it has hairy toes.

msboogie · 13/09/2010 14:20

also@ "fuckwit haters".

excellent.

as you were.

buttonmoon78 · 13/09/2010 14:21

Excellent - I'm so ready to take anyone at face value (or post-value on MN) that I often find myself taken in. So I'm always a little paranoid that such comments are aimed at me. Having read several of your posts in the past I should've known that you would come right out and say it if it was aimed at me!

Wonder where OP has gone?

MadAboutQuavers · 13/09/2010 14:23

whylifeisnotsimple - passing over the fact that they way you've posted is a bit unclear as to what is bothering you the most, reading between the lines, the bedroom bit appears to be just one symptom of the unhappiness you're feeling about your relationship at the moment.

Your DP sounds like she is suffering from post-traumatic symptoms. She sounds as though she's being manipulative in trying to get you to not leave the house to go to work, which is a fear response. Is she quite needy, generally? It may be that her past relationship has left her self-esteem in total tatters, and she's relying upon you to bolster it on an ongoing basis.

Also, your sexual relationship appears to be very "non-penis" related. If her previous relationship was very abusive, the fall-out from it will be quite dramatic with some strange (to you) behaviour.

I would suggest she needs counselling quite urgently for PTSD and spousal abuse, and you won't be able to move forward to a happier place until you can speak to her, gently, about all of this. I would keep telling her you want the best for you both, and that there's only so much you can do without some help.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2010 14:24

< links arms with button in matey way >

Flip

1 2 3 4