Ladies you thoughts please...

[WhyIsLifeNotSimple]

My DP is extremely selfish when it comes to the bedroom department to the point that I am little more than an attachment that operates her vibrator for her while she lies on her stomach and demands I talk dirty.

Very very oacassionaly this does lead to a shag however again this is on her terms and always in the missionary position.

Normally however the vibrator session leads to her in floods of tears demanding a cuddle and telling me how much she loves me and pleading with me not to leave her.

We have been together for a little over 4 years and to start with we did have proper sex, (we were at it within an hour of meeting) although looking back that was normally on her terms. At one point we were getting experimental but when she realised that she was enjoying it she put an end to that.

When we met she was married (and still technically is) to a complete pig who used to help himself on a weekly basis under the threat of a good beating. to the point she had to prove to him that she was having her period. She has subsquently with my support thrown him out and even taken out injunctions etc.

However he is still holding up the divorce proceedings and generally causing her a lot of stress.

All of which I know can affect her sex drive however my patience is beginning to run thin as the selfish attitude is all pervasive as it effects everything including me working and thus the cashflow.

We live together with 2 of her 3 children (the oldest one moved out after her GCSEs and lives with her father as she was on the verge of being thrown out due to some.... erm... challenging behaviour patterns)an everytime some work comes up for me (I am self employed) she makes it very hard for me to actually do it either faking illness or just trying to mess with my head (I hasen to add that with out going into detail that if I do a weeks work it is worth an average of 1500 - 2000 quid).

I am exhausted by all this and am rapidly beginning to think that I am too nice and remembering the old saying that "nice guys never win"

Please can someone give me some perspective here.

i am very confused by this OP. it all seems very strange. I am NOT shouting troll. i am saying i find the fact that OP's issue is his partner's selfishness in bed when the whole family around him seem to have huuuuuge problems wrt abuse. i don't understand how the OP is prioritising his issues. he seems very self focused.

very similar to a lot of other posts recently in the relationships section.

really dueling. you think OP's partner has posted here about her problems?

shirley, I love you

There seems to be a lot of men on here of late, posting about 'issues' with their DWs/DPs.

What's going on? Have all the women of the world suddenly forgotten their duties?

Clearly we need to enrol them in some sort of masterclass - 'How to be the perfect woman'.

I don't think!

button reaches the end of Mouseface's post and returns her panty-girdle and Dior New Look dress to the wardrobe...

button!!!

I'm hoping that this, and some other threads of late, are trolls. It's depressing to think there are so many fuckwits if not.

ChaoticAngel

Maybe the 'fuckwits' are revolting (in both senses of the word) and have decided that enough is enough!

No more will they put up with abused women whinging on about their past experiences, worries and insecurities.

No more will they allow these women call the shots!

Oh no. It's time to pull your big girl pants up love, and get on with it!!!

"really dueling. you think OP's partner has posted here about her problems?"

no. or possibly. I don't know - I was wondering if the reason he is asking on Mumsnet is because he knows his partner does.

I remember another thread recently where someone (possibly AnyFucker?) asked the OP if his wife/DP was a mumsnetter and he just didn't reply.

Personally I think that there have been several threads in the relationship part of Mumsnet where posters have come on and asked for advise advice from 'ladies' and this one sounds similar.

It's boring.

Op you lost me at 'this selfish attitude'

ah right. i had noted the increase in male posters but had put that down to the ever increasing popularity of MN. however it does strike me as odd that most of these posters are posting in relationships about similar issues.

yes, DF, I asked that question on another, similar thread where the bloke's female partner had "issues"

I can't remember if he came back to the thread, but the question was certainly met with a resounding silence

unfortunately, some men wouldn't think twice about using a forum such as MN for their own ends, if their partner posts here

OP, I'm assuming a level of insight from you as you say you're in fortnightly therapy. If you're genuine, wouldn't you be better off taking this there(Or are you talking about supervision)?

Your partner's been in a d/v relationship and is still in contact with the perpetrator. That must be terrifying.

She's been used to being raped weekly. Her ex is more than "a complete pig", he's a violent, intimidating rapist.

So, I find it bizarre that you label her sexual behaviour as selfish rather than recognising it for what it is - a traumatic response. Her boundaries have been completely overriden and broken for more than 16 years and all you can say is that you're annoyed that you're not getting the sex that you'd like.

Neither am I clear why you've decided that continuing a sexual relationship is appropriate with a woman who is as traumatised, vulnerable and fragile as your words paint. What exactly are you getting out of this?

It sounds as though any sexual contact presently retraumatises her along with her having ongoing contact with her ex via her children and divorce proceeding.

As to her daughter, it's impossible to know if she has NPD. Has she been assessed?

Rather than pathologising her, I'd suggest that her behaviour is very typical of a child who's survived living in a d/v family. Challenging, confused and unpredictable to say the very least.

Thing is, if the OP's DP is on Mumsnet, imagine how she'd feel reading this?

The details of her sex life, or lack of it, in particular.

If she is struggling to come to terms with past abuse, I would've thought that the last thing she needs to see is this thread.

OP...did you meet your partner through the course of your work ?

Sometimes relationships are not meant to be- why strive to make them work at all costs?
She's obviously traumatised and you come over as a bit selfish and uncaring. Don't see how it can work myself.
Neither of you are the 'bad guys' it's just that some people are incompatible. Like you and her.

No need for blame or recrimations.
Cut your losses and break it off.

yes, mf

that is why it is an important question to ask, IMO

not that many men find mumsnet all by themselves I would wager...

I found mumsnet via the Daily Mail. No, I don't read it, someone on another site had linked to an article and when reading that I noticed another article mentioning mn. After reading the article, which was basically slagging mn off, I thought anything the DM doesn't like must be good

OP are you going to answer AF's question or are you a just a pathetically inadequate troll/fuckwit?

CA...are you a bloke ?

Right first those of you who are not being helpful bugger off, you're giving women a bad name and human beings for that matter too. Shame on you.

Sex is a complicated issue and if things have been bad/difficult for her she's going to be struggling with lots of issues. From very personal experience I can say that I struggled with similar ups and downs in my relationships because of some 'past' I had with another man. I can sympathise with you as I often imagined my dh thinking/saying the same things and even this would sometimes worry me and cause things to go wrong. My whole self confidence was shattered.
Honestly I found even the enjoyment of sex to be scary and confusing. If I approached climax I would suddenly panic and start crying and 'ruin' the moment. I was very confused and scared and uncertain. I only ever wanted to have things straight forward or missionary as I knew what to expect. It's a power/control issue to be sure. And she sounds like because of previous issues she wants/needs it very simple and to be in control, but may be uncertain of how to do this. It took me nearly 5 years to really sort myself out, and yet I still have 'episodes.' My very 'nice guy' dh is kind and understanding and we talk things through again and then proceed from there.

The thing to do if you really want to be in this relationship is to talk to her as openly and honestly about things as possible. You/she might feel shy about talking about it but it is necessary to talk about it. If you cannot talk about it in person, face to face, try talking in the dark to each other, or even writing letters back and forth. Counselling (for both of you) may help, though I was very reluctant because of embarrassment issues to do this myself.

no, I won't bugger off

who made you boss of MN ?

FWIW, not one person has said anything negative about the poor woman in this situation

any comments have been purely centred on the OP's odd, and frankly, unsettling attitude towards her

bebe...just a quick question for you

would you have been happy for your DH to post intimate details about your problems in the manner of this OP

you see....this information is going to sit here for quite a long time, is easily googlable and if you try to give the argument that this place is completely anonymous, don't insult my intelligence

Well said AF!!

AF, no, I'm not a bloke I was Angelcat666 for a while but got bored with that name. Chaotic seems more like me atm.

I thought I had been helpful in one of my previous posts Mind you maybe not, from the op's pov, it did probably come across as calling him an insensitive twat.