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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ladies you thoughts please...

93 replies

WhyIsLifeNotSimple · 13/09/2010 13:54

My DP is extremely selfish when it comes to the bedroom department to the point that I am little more than an attachment that operates her vibrator for her while she lies on her stomach and demands I talk dirty.

Very very oacassionaly this does lead to a shag however again this is on her terms and always in the missionary position.

Normally however the vibrator session leads to her in floods of tears demanding a cuddle and telling me how much she loves me and pleading with me not to leave her.

We have been together for a little over 4 years and to start with we did have proper sex, (we were at it within an hour of meeting) although looking back that was normally on her terms. At one point we were getting experimental but when she realised that she was enjoying it she put an end to that.

When we met she was married (and still technically is) to a complete pig who used to help himself on a weekly basis under the threat of a good beating. to the point she had to prove to him that she was having her period. She has subsquently with my support thrown him out and even taken out injunctions etc.

However he is still holding up the divorce proceedings and generally causing her a lot of stress.

All of which I know can affect her sex drive however my patience is beginning to run thin as the selfish attitude is all pervasive as it effects everything including me working and thus the cashflow.

We live together with 2 of her 3 children (the oldest one moved out after her GCSEs and lives with her father as she was on the verge of being thrown out due to some.... erm... challenging behaviour patterns)an everytime some work comes up for me (I am self employed) she makes it very hard for me to actually do it either faking illness or just trying to mess with my head (I hasen to add that with out going into detail that if I do a weeks work it is worth an average of 1500 - 2000 quid).

I am exhausted by all this and am rapidly beginning to think that I am too nice and remembering the old saying that "nice guys never win"

Please can someone give me some perspective here.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 13/09/2010 14:25

do both of you a favour and leave her. you don't sound as if you lik eher much and she clearly has little need for you.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2010 14:28

OP...any thoughts in return ?

what were you expecting from this thread ?

booyhoo · 13/09/2010 14:31

and btw. have you actuall spoken to her abou all this. have you asked her whay she gets so upset afer sex (although who wouldn't have a negative association after being raped weekly for 16 fucking years?)

OP you don't seem to have much concern for what your partner is dealing with. your post cries out "woe be me, i am not getting sex when i want it"

FioFio · 13/09/2010 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

msboogie · 13/09/2010 14:33

OP you haven't come across very well or explained the subtleties to our satisfaction. We need to get a better look at you to see whether you have just misrepresented yourself badly or are indeed the ego on a stick whereof SGB speaks...

can you explain a bit more? how exactly are you a "nice guy"? is it because you are better than the last guy and helped to see him off? and what's the deal with this faking illness and messing with your head? how does that work?

buttonmoon78 · 13/09/2010 14:38

I really get wound up by these posters who demand responses ( Please can someone give me some perspective here. ) then bugger off leaving us to fill in the gaps with what may or may not be true and reasonable! At least they could have the decency to stick around!

Original poster
WhyIsLifeNotSimple · 13/09/2010 14:43

In for a penny etc...

To clairfy:- I am not a troll! I while maybe I should have proof read that post it is a real situation and there is a whole paragraph missing for some reason.

That said something along the lines of:

I have suggested that we get some counselling as both a couple and for her on an individual basis (I have my own fortnightly sessions as it is requirement of my work). However she always cites that we can't afford it etc.

However is she would let me work then we could afford it.

I fully understand that she is under a HUGE amount of stress both from the XH, who has a habit of just turning up out of the blue, from a mountain of debt caused by years of compulsive spending as a way of dealing with her abuse and from the behvaiour of he eldest who as ia said is challenging at best. Basically a 16 year old who despite being incredibly bright is clearly suffering from a narcarsitic personality disorder just like her father.

The sexual abuse was as all sexual abuse is absolutely shocking and outrageous. As somone said her behviour patterns are clearly ingrained responses from what was 20 or so years of abuse in fact sometimes she shows all kinds of symptoms of what could well be a form of stockholm syndrome.

The reason I posted the original post in the first place as not to ellicite any sympathy but to see if the wisdom of the crowd could come up with some stratergies that I had not thought of.

OP posts:
buttonmoon78 · 13/09/2010 14:49

LOL at thought of NPD and being 'incredibly bright' being mutually exclusive!

Seriously though, you really need to get her to agree to counselling. Otherwise there seems to be little future in this relationship. I agree that she has had a hugely traumatic time and that facing that will terribly hard. But if she doesn't then it won't get better will it?

I do also question you in getting heavily involved with someone who was so traumatised by her X. It is possible to support someone from a position other than horizontal...

booyhoo · 13/09/2010 14:49

what help are you asking us for?

in your OP you state that she is selfish in bed. is thsi the issue you need help with?

buttonmoon78 · 13/09/2010 14:50

Also, isn't Stockholm Syndrome where you fall for your abuser / captor?

msboogie · 13/09/2010 14:51

yeah but how does she stop you from working ?

buttonmoon78 · 13/09/2010 14:52

Yes, having Googled it and looked at the never wrong (!) wiki I'd suggest that you mean something else. Unless she's behaving in different ways from those you described.

buttonmoon78 · 13/09/2010 14:55

Arrgh - I do also question you in getting heavily involved with someone who was so traumatised by her X. It is possible to support someone from a position other than horizontal...

Meant to add getting involved so quickly - not that traumatised people should not have relationships.

< slinks off to fetch children as clearly not safe to be let loose on MN >

ChaoticAngel · 13/09/2010 14:56

I'm more interested in the 16yr old dd tbh.

Why did your dp's dd move out? Did she choose to go of her own accord or was it a case of you saying to your dp "It's her or me?"

I know you said she has "challenging behaviour" but she's still a child who grew up in an abusive household. What did you expect, all sweetness and light Confused

booyhoo · 13/09/2010 14:59

how long ago did her marriage end?

WestLondonHypnosis · 13/09/2010 15:01

I have been reading this thread with interest as both a bloke and as a therapist.

On face value the OP was a bit needy however the subsquent post was more interesting there are several point that jumped off the page, sorry screen.

If you are professionally required to have counselling I suspect it will be called supervison which means you are in one of the caring proffessions which highlighted by the terminology you use.

I would summise that you clearly do care for your partner and her offspring however you are frustrated by the continuing presences of the ex husband and his influence on both your partner and the children. And to be honnest even the most level headed person has their limits.

The constructive post about your partner suffering with a form of PTSD and you need to deal with your cursader complex as however well meaning you are you are TOO CLOSE to be constuctive and could end up doing way more damage. I can imagine that right now your self esteem is at a less than ideal level. If you are having supervison this is something your supervisor should have picked up and if not you either need to change supervisor or bring it up.

Hope that gives you some perspective.

ShadeofViolet · 13/09/2010 15:04

What ChaoticAngel said

dignified · 13/09/2010 15:06

You sound like tosser with this whinging about sex " my patience is wearing thin ". Why do you think you have a right to sex with her , and why does she plead with you not to leave her ? Do you threaen to ?

You dont say anything nice about her at all , and whats with this victim type talk " she wont let me work " , bollocks. Do you work or not ?

ShirleyKnot · 13/09/2010 15:11
Jux · 13/09/2010 15:12

Can you explain gently to your p that you feel their are unresolved problems in your relationship which need to be addressed before they get worse and cause the end of the relationship. Stress that you do not want that to happen, and that you really want your relationship to work, but that for it to last both you and she must go to counselling. Ask her how much the relationship means to her? Does it mean enough to her to see a counsellor. Tell her that money is not the issue; that any amount of money is worth spending if it helps your relationship.

She is terrified. That's what's stopping her. Underneath, she's desperate not to be scared, but going to counselling will mean she'll have to confront her fears, not just of the past, but also the present and also the future.

You are going to have to be very very gentle, but also very firm. Counselling could save your relationship, you cannot do it on your own, you need her to fight for it too etc. Give her some time to think about it, don't expect an immediate answer as that will scare her stupid too.

Your problems with her stopping you working will get resolved along the way.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2010 15:22

I can't think of any "caring professions" that rake in 2 grand a week on an ad-hoc basis

ShirleyKnot · 13/09/2010 15:26

AF

Look into my eyes, not around the eyes, look into my eyes...aaaaand you're out.

This is not bullshit

And we're back.

weegiemum · 13/09/2010 15:31

A very-last-minute locum doctor might get £1500 a week gross (usually costs more to get people at the last minute). But there is no requirement for fortnightly counselling!

ChaoticAngel · 13/09/2010 15:37

No, AF, I'm having problems with that one too.

So, op, your dp has spent the last 16+ years being sexually abused and raped and you're complaining that she's selfish in the bedroom department. Selfish!!!!!!Shock She's bloody traumatised Angry She needs counselling, lots of it, not you whinging that you're not getting enough action. Take the pressure off, stop anything sexual and talk to her. Be gentle do not accuse, encourage her to go to counselling, work out how you can afford it and show her that if she says she can't on financial grounds. Do not force her to go, she's spent the last 16+ years been forced to do things against her will. Accept that she has problems that will take a long time, probably years, to be healed.

As for her dd, the poor girl grows up in an abusive household then is sent? to live with the abuser. Of course she has challenging behaviour. Be an adult, ask her to come back home. She'll probably need some counselling too, it's obviously affected her. Teenagers can, and do, test your patience and your dp's dd will more than most. However, you can't give up on her, she's still a child.

I know I'm repeating myself wrt your dp's dd but I do feel strongly about it.

DuelingFanjo · 13/09/2010 15:42

Does your partner use Mumsnet?