Things went too far last night

[NotSureWhereToGoFromHere]

Namechanger, very about this and not sure how I should be reacting.

Lately dh and I have had a few problems, but we're just getting back on track. We've been Together 15 years, and have 3dc.

Last week I spoke to dh about how I was having some body issues and feeling a bit low on self esteem. He was lovely and supportive. I was worried he didn't find me attractive anymore, but he reassured me. I still felt shaky, but a bit better.

Last night I had a few glasses of wine while we watched a film, dh doesn't drink. Afterwards he said he was going to make me feel sexy and we went to bed. In bed he started smacking my backside, we've done a bit of tying up before (very rarely) but mostly sex is pretty standard. It was fine, he wasn't doing it hard, and he kept on.

He then started getting domineering (not like him, normally if he tries it ends up giggly). Told me to get up on all fours and started really hitting me hard. He was clearly really enjoying it, so I went along with it. I didn't make any noise (normally very vocal if I like something) and just waited for it to be over.

I am so angry with myself for not saying stop. I wasn't thinking clearly at all (drunk, but not hammered iyswim) and just waited for it to be over.

After about 20 minutes of him slapping me very hard I realised this wasn't going to progress and pulled out a condom and rolled over to move things on. He then buried his head in my neck and, well, lets say I might as well not really have been there.

He's usually very careful to let me finish first, and likes lots of kisses. He didn't kiss me once, or even look at me, I was crying :(

When he finished he offered to go down on me, but I said no (so it's not as though he wasn't thinking of my enjoyment at all)

I am so angry with myself for not stopping it. I'm angry with him for not once asking me if I was ok, or if I was enjoying it. And for bringing something into our bedroom whilst he was sober and I was drunk. I feel like he's abused my trust and that last night he could have been fucking anyone, he wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't there.

Afterwards I was quiet, but it was only when he said, "wow, I didn't know you liked a good spanking", that I actually spoke up and said that I didn't.

He says he's sorry, but cant understand why I didn't stop him if I didn't like it (I cant understand this either, why didn't I?!)

How can I get past this feeling of betrayal?

Am I overreacting to this? I feel betrayed, not to mention bruised. He says this isn't something he'd planned on doing, it just happened and he enjoyed it (his words, "best orgasm ever"). He says he'll never do it again now he knows I don't like it.

I don't want to feel this way about him, but I feel suspicious and uncertain.

Please?

Gosh I'm not a usual poster on this section and I'm sure those who know more will be be along shortly. But just wanted to let you know I've read your post and I really feel for you

How your DH took you needing more body confidence as permission to perform a previously unknown fantasty on you I don't know. And that he seemed to really enjoy it even though it was obvious you wern't...to me that's not right. You were crying fgs!

Were you scared during? I can see why you wouldn't speak up.

Thanks sock. He didn't notice I was crying. I was quiet. He didn't look at me and it was quite dark. So that's not really his fault I guess.

I wasn't frightened. Embarrassed maybe, and wanting to enjoy it because he was, but not frightened.

This sounds stupid to me, but I didn't want to say "stop your hurting me" because I didn't want to hurt his feelings (?!). It was only afterwards that I got my head together enough to talk to him about it (after telling myself to stop being so stupid and let him know I was upset).

He never noticed that I was crying. I told him afterwards. He is very sorry.

Do you feel like he changed in that time? Like he wasn't the man you know and love? I can see why you feel violated. He did something unexpected to your body, it sounds to me like you went numb from shock. Were you scared? Maybe that stopped you speaking out aswell, the fact the situation was out of control. If you'd have said no do you think he would have stopped straight away? He has said he'll never do it again, that's very important.

It's good you weren't frightened. It sounds like you feel you slept with a stranger. Like you were in 2 different mindsets. It was dark, he didn't pick up you were upset etc. And that kind of sex isn't something you do with a stranger, it's supposed to be that you both consent, both want it 100%, some people have a code word to stop if things get too much. Maybe that's where the sense of violation comes from

He was definitely different. Even the sex was selfish (and that's not like him). I don't think I was scared, but I was shocked. It seemed very out of character.

It's left me feeling even more body-conscious :(. Like I could have been anybody, just a body and not me.

Oh and I think he would have stopped if i'd asked him to, but I'm not 100% sure on that :(. That was in my mind too, that it would be a lot worse if I spoke up and he didn't stop, than if I was quiet.

Does that make any sense?

I would have felt objectified aswell I think. Like a body he was doing something to. Rather than the intimacy of loving sex.

That's exactly it spikey.

So how do I get past this?

It makes perfect sense. He was caught up in the heat of the moment, you were somewhere else entirely.

Well, that went well then .

You could look at it like this:

He thought spanking you would make you feel sexy. Actually, he fancied spanking (a relatively normal fantasy) and you asked him for reassurance that he fancied you so he tried out spanking. At which point if you weren't suffering from such low self esteem you might have turned round and given him a black eye. But you were, and you'd had a couple of glasses, so you just took it. And he was really enjoyign it and didnt' pay attention to whether you were, and so on and so on.

BUT

• you told him you hated it: that was GOOD and assertive, good on you
• he has promised never to do it again: that shows he does care for you and listens to your needs

Today tell him exactly what you DO want him to do so he doesn't make another stupid mistake. He may be feeling terrible and embarrased and wanting to make up to you. Give him the benefit of the doubt?

He is sorry and understands you don't want this again. That's the main thing. If I were you I'd get to "know him" again over the next few days. Next time you have sex will be the test I reckon. I think you need to see for yourself he can go back to being the DH you know and love, not this weird DH that passed through last night. IYSWIM

Bugger, wrote a long post and then lost it.

Oldenough, that's pretty much the sum of it. I feel worse than yesterday on the old self-esteem front, and like a complete idiot.

Yes he is saying he wouldn't do it again. I'm not adverse to some gentle spanking btw, but this was him smacking me as hard as he physically could (with an open hand, not anything else). I hurt still.

I don't want him to touch me, he wants to hug. I don't want to reject him, but I am.

Will try to lay down what I want. Will have to decide what that is. The basic premise being, I suppose, that if anything new is brought in he checks that I am happy rather than assuming it.

Which is what he has always done in the past when we've tried new things, stopping if either of us weren't happy. But this time he was clearly so into it that he forgot to actually look to see if I was.

So angry with myself for letting this happen!

I can see why your upset , this kind of emotionally detatched sex isnt nice and does leave you feeling objectified , its just things being done to your body.

Theres a couple of things that would concern me about this for various reasons.

Firstly he didnt ask you beforehand , which he should have , its not for him to " decide " hes gong to do something to your body. Plus you had a drink.

During he didnt ask you if you were ok , or look at you , or concern himself with your feelings in any way. Twenty minuites of hard spanking is a long time , and a long time not to be concerned with how you feel. I really find it hard to beleive that he didnt notice you were crying , whether your back was to him or not.

This comment " "wow, I didn't know you liked a good spanking " , doesnt sit well with me im afraid , why does he presume to know how you felt considering he didnt bother asking ?
It also implies you gave consent when you didnt.

You shouldnt have had to tell him to stop, its hurting because its rather obvious isnt it , he MUST have known that twenty minuites of hard spanking will hurt anyone.

I'm not adverse to some gentle spanking btw, but this was him smacking me as hard as he physically could (with an open hand, not anything else).

That sounds quite extreme to me.
Why are you not 100 per cent sure he would have stopped if you asked him.

Dignified, he just seemed to be enjoying it so much, so caught up in it. I'm almost sure he would have btw, but there have been some trust issues between us in the past year or so, so I'm not as sure as I would have been.

He is really sorry. He keeps saying he should have asked and should have checked and should have done it differently, but he didn't. He did it like that.

He didn't see me cry, but he didn't check me at all.

I want to know why he didn't and he has no answer other than he should have.

I feel :(

How awful for you - I am not surprised you are upset

I agree with dignified in the sense that when trying something "new" like that it should be very obviously mutual, taking it step by step vocalising your enjoyment then taking it to the next level so to speak.

I am surprised he didn't see you crying if it was light enough for him to see where he was spanking iyswim it couldn't have been so dark.

Also a man spanking you hard with an open hand for so long! I mean that is pretty heavy going for even v experienced couples who are into it what was he thinking?!

He is inconsiderate at best and sounds like he took out his frustration on you. I am so sorry I am not surprised you feel awful.

Thanks grape, it was just inconsiderate rather than anything more sinister. It's just taken me to a bad place :(

Any tips on how not to look at him as the man groaning while I sobbed? :(

Yes , id be very upset too , upset that someone had felt they had a right to do something to my body without my permission.

Re " should have checked " , if he had suggested spanking you as hard as he physicly could with an open hand for 20 minuites , what would you have said ? I dont think many people would agree to this really.
And i dont see how he cant have realised he was hurting you. Who likes to be hurt ? It sounds quite brutal.

How are things in general ? Is he generally respectfull of your feelings , is this the first time anything like this has happened ?

You really should have told him to stop

He is generally respectful, does his share of the childcare and housework. He's a nice man.

Things haven't been great between us for a while, don't want to go into any detail, but they're just getting back on track. And now this.

RW yes, yes I should have. And I'm fucking livid at myself for not saying it. And in the cold light of day I cannot understand why I didn't.

You might need to delve deeper into why you didnt tell him to stop. You said earlier you didnt want to hurt his feelings . Do you often put your own feelings to one side ?

Whether it was dark , he couldnt see you ect, i struggle with the idea that he genuineley didnt know you were upset or that you were hurt. Hitting anyone as hard as you can with an open hand is going to HURT , you dont need to check , its common sense.

Reality I am absolutely not calling him a rapist. I want to make that very clear.

When I got up he had been hitting me gently. That was fine, it was only after that that it got painful. I moved again, but he kept up the pressure. I stayed still, didn't make any noise, or movement.

I feel horrible. I comforted afterwards when he said he was sorry. But today I cant look at him.

Yes this is my problem. I don't know what to do. I don't feel safe. I don't. I feel devastated. In pieces. I want to self harm. I want to scratch my arms to pieces.

I'm a freak :(