Things went too far last night

[NotSureWhereToGoFromHere]

Namechanger, very about this and not sure how I should be reacting.

Lately dh and I have had a few problems, but we're just getting back on track. We've been Together 15 years, and have 3dc.

Last week I spoke to dh about how I was having some body issues and feeling a bit low on self esteem. He was lovely and supportive. I was worried he didn't find me attractive anymore, but he reassured me. I still felt shaky, but a bit better.

Last night I had a few glasses of wine while we watched a film, dh doesn't drink. Afterwards he said he was going to make me feel sexy and we went to bed. In bed he started smacking my backside, we've done a bit of tying up before (very rarely) but mostly sex is pretty standard. It was fine, he wasn't doing it hard, and he kept on.

He then started getting domineering (not like him, normally if he tries it ends up giggly). Told me to get up on all fours and started really hitting me hard. He was clearly really enjoying it, so I went along with it. I didn't make any noise (normally very vocal if I like something) and just waited for it to be over.

I am so angry with myself for not saying stop. I wasn't thinking clearly at all (drunk, but not hammered iyswim) and just waited for it to be over.

After about 20 minutes of him slapping me very hard I realised this wasn't going to progress and pulled out a condom and rolled over to move things on. He then buried his head in my neck and, well, lets say I might as well not really have been there.

He's usually very careful to let me finish first, and likes lots of kisses. He didn't kiss me once, or even look at me, I was crying :(

When he finished he offered to go down on me, but I said no (so it's not as though he wasn't thinking of my enjoyment at all)

I am so angry with myself for not stopping it. I'm angry with him for not once asking me if I was ok, or if I was enjoying it. And for bringing something into our bedroom whilst he was sober and I was drunk. I feel like he's abused my trust and that last night he could have been fucking anyone, he wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't there.

Afterwards I was quiet, but it was only when he said, "wow, I didn't know you liked a good spanking", that I actually spoke up and said that I didn't.

He says he's sorry, but cant understand why I didn't stop him if I didn't like it (I cant understand this either, why didn't I?!)

How can I get past this feeling of betrayal?

Am I overreacting to this? I feel betrayed, not to mention bruised. He says this isn't something he'd planned on doing, it just happened and he enjoyed it (his words, "best orgasm ever"). He says he'll never do it again now he knows I don't like it.

I don't want to feel this way about him, but I feel suspicious and uncertain.

Xpost. I think that's the way to go reality. From now on consent is not to be assumed under any circumstances. Trying something new will need to be discussed before hand, with questions asked during (now I feel like I'm writing a bloody risk assessment for my sex life).

What a stupid waste of a Sunday :(

It does, but I think the sobriety issue comes in here too. This was his fantasy, not my request (never even mentioned it before), and he chose to do it when I had been drinking. I think that does put more responsibility in his hands than it would otherwise.

But I do see what you mean. I suppose a lot of it depends on what is normal for you as a couple. Normally we rely on non-verbal communication in bed unless trying something new, when he has always asked if I'm ok regularly. Unfortunately he was tying this in with some role playing, which is why I think he didn't ask because it didn't fit with the domineering character he was being.

Fuck this is all so stupid.

Right, I'm sick of being this person so I'm going back to being me now. Thank you so much for all the comments, I will check back later.

Next time I ask to be mollycoddled for a weekend I'll make sure I specify flowers and chocolates :o

:(

I'll be fine. I always am

Hi OP, I felt compelled to post even though I'm usually a lurker. Please forgive me if this comes out a bit garbled, it's hard to get what I want to say about this straight and I hope I don't offend you.

As I was reading the thread I was wondering again and again did the OP suffer some kind of sexual trauma when she was young? When you said you'd been assaulted a light came on for me. Let me explain why.

My DH is a lovely lovely man, who in bed is generally very considerate and caring. But some years ago something similar happened between us. He was being very rough and I didn't say stop, which culminated in him getting very excited and me getting very upset. He, like your DH, was very confused and said he thought I was enjoying it. He wondered (as many people here have) why I didn't say stop, and like you, I just didn't have an answer. I felt like a shit to be blaming him (even though for the most part he was in the wrong) despite the fact that I didn't indicate clearly that I wanted him to stop.

Like you I was assaulted when young and I do think this played a role in the whole thing. For someone who has no negative associations with sex, games like the one you and your DH were playing can be very very exciting. Part of the excitement is the silence and the animal nature of it. But, for someone like me who was assaulted any suggestion of violence or coercion in sex leads me to freeze up and go silent. Would I be wrong in saying that to a certain extent you did enjoy it, but then suddenly that changed? When my incident happened I started out enjoying it but then associations with the assault came up, and it all turned sour. I think to be fair to my DH my suddenly submissive attitude actually fit with the game and he took it as a signal that I was playing along. A lot of people have questioned your actions but they sound totally normal to me as I behaved in the same way. I mechanically went along with it, I believe because past experience taught me to get through a bad sexual situation rather than try to put a stop to it.

From what you say I don't think your DH's motives were malicious. He was unfeeling and unthinking. What I said to my DH at the time is that because of my past experience it is absolutely imperative that he take responsibility for the safety and comfort of whatever we do because I know from experience that when things go wrong I become incapable of speaking up. It's a lot for him to take on, but that's just the way it is for us, an unfortunate legacy of my past. What your DH did was let his animal instincts take over. It was a bit misjudgement on his part but I don't think he set out to hurt you.

How do you feel now about what happened to you in the past? For the most part my sex life is great but I am totally aware that in situations like this, where most people would just take control and say oi stop that you wanker, my past takes over and it takes a huge bad turn. I can deal with it as long as DH knows his part to play in it.

Sorry that should read big misjudgement in the second last paragraph

Writer, I was reading that in tears. That's exactly it. I went quiet and it was like I was shut down in some way, I couldn't think clearly and was just waiting for it to end, when it just kept going I finally thought to offer sex to end it.

Not like me at all. Really not. And again it fitted with dh's "game" so he carried on.

I don't think he tried to hurt me. I don't think it was anything but a mistake.

Thank you so much for posting. I really was thinking I must be a freak for not saying "stop it!"

When the situation between me and my DH happened I felt absolutely horrendous. Like you I was totally confused - how did I go from being quite confident and demanding in bed to being totally still and submissive? I did blame my DH to a certain extent but over time I realised that what he did was genuinely a mistake. I realised that I need to feel totally in control in a sexual situation and that I can never really fully give my trust to DH in bed. Perhaps if I could a rough game like we were playing would be fun, but it wasn't as I had bad associations with it and I wasn't able to express that at all.

It seems to me that your DH does have this somewhat animalistic, domineering side, which is totally normal and common. He has held back on it for a long time and last night it came out in full force. I have had situations where I've gotten a bit overexcited and hurt my DH (which he doesn't mind at all) so I know in certain situations it can be easy to let your feelings take over. What he did was wrong, but not malicious. Both of you have learned something from this and you need to talk, a lot, and try to get back on an even keel.

I hope you don't mind me pressing the issue but how do you feel about what happened to you in the past? My worry is that this experience has dredged up a lot of negative feelings for you that you haven't quite dealt with and that you'll begin to associate these feelings with your DH. I know I did for a while, until I could really see once more that my DH was still the loving caring man he always was and that he just made a genuine mistake. He didn't rape you or try to deliberately hurt you, he let a fantasy of his take over and get out of control.

It was a long time ago and I have put it to rest, writer. For a while I suffered flashbacks and things, but not for more than ten years now.

I'm off to talk to dh now. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

Good luck with the chat NotSure, I hope it goes well

No, my love, you're not a freak. This story began with you taking about low self-esteem and your poor body image. Feeling like that puts you very much on a back foot with all things love and sex related, as your starting position is "must try harder" to compensate for your supposed shortcomings. It should be obvious, that's why people with damaged self-worth make prime targets for abusers.

Now I'm not calling your H an abuser! But, last night, you learned 2 new things about him: [1] He has domination/pain sex fantasies, which you didn't know about; [2] He knows bog all about you & your emotional condition, if he thinks the way to improve his wife's self-image is to hit her. You've had the necessary conversation, clarified your feelings to him, and it's all good. Well done. Please don't beat yourself up (even more) about the way you responded. For half an hour last night, he was an abuser - and you responded as abuse targets do: shock, self-doubt, compliance, hurt, anger, self-doubt. Put an end to that now. It's over.

One important lesson to draw from this is that you seriously need to work at your own, inner self-love. You can't rely on anothe person for this. I recommend you see a counsellor of the 'feel-good' variety - I found a lovely, down-to-earth and helpful woman at a health & beauty place; you could also try ringing a few up to see if you like the sound of any, or ask your GP for some recommendations. Also: get some beauty treatments and revisit some of your long-forgotten passions (art, music, dance?) - pick one of them up again.

After you feel more like the uniquely fascinating, gorgeous and sexy woman you are ... raise this incident again with your DH to expore whether he's like you to spank him (and see if you could), tie him up or whatever.

In short, turn this into a positive beginning :) Good luck!

Thank you grace :)

I will work on myself. I'll start by putting some cold teabags on these swollen eyes of mine and go from there!

We've talked and he's very sorry. Made an agreement for consent to always need to be explicit.

He says he doesn't really have any bdsm fantasies, just fancied it and got carried away. He hates the idea of being spanked himself, but enjoyed the domination aspect of it. He hadn't considered how past events could effect me and has said that he is happy to put dominating me off the agenda (since he prefers to be dominated anyway).

I think we'll be ok. Communication (as ever) is the key.

Thank you so much for all the advice. Xx

Delighted to hear it, NotSure, hope your evening is much nicer than the day has been so far!

Good luck NotSure, take care of yourself x

Glad to hear you had a talk and are on the way to sorting things out. Keep up the communication and take care of yourself too. xx

I wanted to come back and post again today. Just in case anyone else finds themselves in a similar situation.

Today, with a bit of distance I am astonished by the extreme nature of my reaction. Yesterday I was... Feeling crazy I suppose. I had extreme reactions (I'm not currently suffering any mh issues but I felt like I had stepped over an edge). Today I feel entirely different.

I can only explain it by saying that I was in shock. That my reaction was down to my past and that I really felt like I was re-living it.

I don't feel like that now. I feel as though it was as stupid thing that went too far but that would have stopped if id spoken up. But I was frozen (and I really was). Dh was stupid not to have discussed it all with me before hand to make sure we were both happy, but neither of us could have anticipated my reaction to it.

Thank you all for looking after me yesterday. I was in pieces.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say really. It's just that if someone else needs to know they're not crazy when they react so passively to something they would normally stand up to, then it's worth it.

That's it really. Just wanted to finish the story with a normal me.

Thanks again x