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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Things went too far last night

92 replies

NotSureWhereToGoFromHere · 12/09/2010 09:15

Namechanger, very about this and not sure how I should be reacting.

Lately dh and I have had a few problems, but we're just getting back on track. We've been Together 15 years, and have 3dc.

Last week I spoke to dh about how I was having some body issues and feeling a bit low on self esteem. He was lovely and supportive. I was worried he didn't find me attractive anymore, but he reassured me. I still felt shaky, but a bit better.

Last night I had a few glasses of wine while we watched a film, dh doesn't drink. Afterwards he said he was going to make me feel sexy and we went to bed. In bed he started smacking my backside, we've done a bit of tying up before (very rarely) but mostly sex is pretty standard. It was fine, he wasn't doing it hard, and he kept on.

He then started getting domineering (not like him, normally if he tries it ends up giggly). Told me to get up on all fours and started really hitting me hard. He was clearly really enjoying it, so I went along with it. I didn't make any noise (normally very vocal if I like something) and just waited for it to be over.

I am so angry with myself for not saying stop. I wasn't thinking clearly at all (drunk, but not hammered iyswim) and just waited for it to be over.

After about 20 minutes of him slapping me very hard I realised this wasn't going to progress and pulled out a condom and rolled over to move things on. He then buried his head in my neck and, well, lets say I might as well not really have been there.

He's usually very careful to let me finish first, and likes lots of kisses. He didn't kiss me once, or even look at me, I was crying :(

When he finished he offered to go down on me, but I said no (so it's not as though he wasn't thinking of my enjoyment at all)

I am so angry with myself for not stopping it. I'm angry with him for not once asking me if I was ok, or if I was enjoying it. And for bringing something into our bedroom whilst he was sober and I was drunk. I feel like he's abused my trust and that last night he could have been fucking anyone, he wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't there.

Afterwards I was quiet, but it was only when he said, "wow, I didn't know you liked a good spanking", that I actually spoke up and said that I didn't.

He says he's sorry, but cant understand why I didn't stop him if I didn't like it (I cant understand this either, why didn't I?!)

How can I get past this feeling of betrayal?

Am I overreacting to this? I feel betrayed, not to mention bruised. He says this isn't something he'd planned on doing, it just happened and he enjoyed it (his words, "best orgasm ever"). He says he'll never do it again now he knows I don't like it.

I don't want to feel this way about him, but I feel suspicious and uncertain.

OP posts:

fuschiagroan · 12/09/2010 11:21

Agree with Reality.

You should have said stop if you didn't want it. Because you didn't, he assumed it was OK. You do need to look at why you felt unable to say stop when you wanted him to.

dignified · 12/09/2010 11:25

you have to accept that he thought you were into it.

If he thinks that any woman ( or any living thing for that matter ) enjoys being hit as hard as he could for 20 minuites with an open hand there is a problem . I can understand the ops distress and id want to know why he thought id enjoy it. Lets face it , he wasnt doing it for her benefit was he.

loopylou6 · 12/09/2010 11:25

I am sorry but that is shocking, hitting u that hard over and over there's no way he thought u where ok with it. Sounds to me he took advantage of your worries and the fact that u where tipsy. I don't know what to suggest but personally that would be it for me. Can I ask, has he ever been violent to u in the past?

loopylou6 · 12/09/2010 11:29

Oh ffs, so just coz she turned on to all fours that means she gave him permission to start hitting her? If dh asks me to go on all fours its for a bit of doggy style not so he can beat the living daylights out of me :/

SleepingLion · 12/09/2010 11:30

Have you considered counselling for your self-esteem issues? It seems as if this is more about you and why you felt you couldn't speak up than your DH, TBH - it was dark, you didn't object either verbally or by moving away, you responded when he asked you to change positions (signalling consent to what he was doing), you gave him the condom and moved positions again to encourage him to enter you. I can see why he made the (mistaken) assumption that you were a willing participant in this.

I think you need to explore why you felt in all that time that you couldn't or shouldn't speak up, push him off, something active to indicate to him that you weren't enjoying it. From what you have hinted, there is much more going on in your marriage than this, and maybe counselling - individually or together - is the way forward.

SleepingLion · 12/09/2010 11:33

Yes, but loopylou, if my DH started doing something which I didn't like, he would expect me (as I have in the past) to let him know somehow! Either by saying so, or by moving him or myself to indicate that whatever he's doing isn't working.

dignified · 12/09/2010 11:34

You are NOT a freak at all, why are you taking this on as your problem ?

" That was fine, it was only after that that it got painful. I moved again, but he kept up the pressure. I stayed still, didn't make any noise, or movement."

So it seems that you did express your dislike by moving , but as you say , he kept up the pressure and didnt acknowledge this. Im concerned that you couldnt feel you could say No , and that you are now blaming yourself.

I think you have every right to feel upset about this.

RumourOfAHurricane · 12/09/2010 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RumourOfAHurricane · 12/09/2010 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dignified · 12/09/2010 11:37

If somebody was hitting me as HARD AS THEY COULD with an open hand , i think i would struggle to assert myself in that situation .

Op this sounds like a beating , not playfull spanking.

Original poster

NotSureWhereToGoFromHere · 12/09/2010 11:39

Three years ago, when things had been really bad, we were in bed one night and I wasn't really in the mood. I said no. Dh pretended I was playing :(

He never did it again, but there's the doubt. Ok? Sorry I'm not trying to do an aibu by stealth but I guess no one's going to understand why I didn't say no without that information.

Because what if I had and he'd done it anyway? :( :( :(

I'd rather give something I don't want to give than have it taken :(

OP posts:

dignified · 12/09/2010 11:39

Do you have to give an indication that being hit as hard as possible with an open hand hurts ? Isnt it obvious ?

And she did indicate , she moved away.

fuschiagroan · 12/09/2010 11:40

But some people do like being spanked hard. It's not that uncommon.

sayithowitis · 12/09/2010 11:43

If you are still hurting (physically) today, he must have given you a hell of a beating. If you have never been as extreme as that before, IMO, it was totally wrong of him to do so without expressly asking you. The fact that he did not do so, indicates to me that it was all about him and your feelings were unimportant to him. To not even look at you or kiss you whilst he used your body for his gratification is unacceptable.

You say you are almost certain he would have stopped if you had asked. Even if you are 99.9999% certain, that still leaves room for doubt and therefore you cannot be certain.

You asked how to forget that he was groaning whilst you were sobbing. I wouldn't be able to, so , as loopy said, for me, this would be the end. The total lack of respect for my body and my feelings would kill any prospect of re-building what is already a shaky relationship.

Serendippy · 12/09/2010 11:43

I agree with the posters who have said you are being unfair to your DH. As for the situation 3 years ago you have added, if you are really convinced that he would hurt you or not stop if you asked him to, you should have left, not be with him and therefore indicating that his behaviour is ok. You should have asked him to stop, it is unfair to imply that he wouldn't have as you didn't ask. If he is violent and you don't trust him, leave. If he gets carried away and you don't tell him there is a problem, don't blame him. You can sort this out, but only you.

HRHPrincessReality · 12/09/2010 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loopylou6 · 12/09/2010 11:45

I think maybe an issue for you is that deep down u don't think he would of stopped and that would of put u in an even worse situation than now :(

fiziwizzle · 12/09/2010 11:48

That's very harsh Serendippy. Life isn't black and white. It's never as simple as, if this occurs, leave your DH. Leaving a marriage with 3 DCs would be a huge, huge step. The OP is asking for support and how to cope with her feelings after being violated, I can't see how your post is helping.

fiziwizzle · 12/09/2010 11:49

OP all I can suggest is that you talk to your DH about how you're feeling today. Did you discuss the non-sonsensual incident at the time? As clearly that has relevance to what happened last night.

fiziwizzle · 12/09/2010 11:50

*consensual

HRHPrincessReality · 12/09/2010 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Serendippy · 12/09/2010 11:52

I think the OP is not asking the questions she should be asking herself. Keeping children exposed to an adult who she believes would 'not stop if asked' is dangerous and irresponsible. That is why I am asking her to evaluate whether she really thinks what her DH did was so bad. If I was afraid that my DH would hurt me on purpose, I would remove children from that situation.

Asking for help with feelings is one thing, asking what to do about an abusive partner is another.

Original poster

NotSureWhereToGoFromHere · 12/09/2010 11:53

Loopy, that's it. Which is definitely unfair on him, since he doesn't have the option.

To put the self-esteem issues in context normally I am fine and confident. I was just having an off week. Yesterday I was just in a bit of a negative mood about myself (not a permanent state of negativity).

I don't think this is just about now for me, this is about old feelings resurfacing.

I just wish I had been sober. I would definitely have stopped him if I had been. I was so full of doubt last night.

Fizi, I finally talked to him about it last year. I was too scared of breaking things again at the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotSureWhereToGoFromHere · 12/09/2010 11:54

Seren, I appreciate what you're saying, but until I have sorted out what I am actually feeling about all this I think you are jumping the gun a bit.

OP posts:

Serendippy · 12/09/2010 11:54

OP, not trying to be harsh, just get the feeling you are not so upset about last night as about the relationship as a whole, the lack of trust and the potential for something very bad to happen. If this is really just about the situation last night, I hope you find a way to get over it. But if there is more to it, you need to evaluate your situation.

Good luck.

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