Things went too far last night

[NotSureWhereToGoFromHere]

Namechanger, very about this and not sure how I should be reacting.

Lately dh and I have had a few problems, but we're just getting back on track. We've been Together 15 years, and have 3dc.

Last week I spoke to dh about how I was having some body issues and feeling a bit low on self esteem. He was lovely and supportive. I was worried he didn't find me attractive anymore, but he reassured me. I still felt shaky, but a bit better.

Last night I had a few glasses of wine while we watched a film, dh doesn't drink. Afterwards he said he was going to make me feel sexy and we went to bed. In bed he started smacking my backside, we've done a bit of tying up before (very rarely) but mostly sex is pretty standard. It was fine, he wasn't doing it hard, and he kept on.

He then started getting domineering (not like him, normally if he tries it ends up giggly). Told me to get up on all fours and started really hitting me hard. He was clearly really enjoying it, so I went along with it. I didn't make any noise (normally very vocal if I like something) and just waited for it to be over.

I am so angry with myself for not saying stop. I wasn't thinking clearly at all (drunk, but not hammered iyswim) and just waited for it to be over.

After about 20 minutes of him slapping me very hard I realised this wasn't going to progress and pulled out a condom and rolled over to move things on. He then buried his head in my neck and, well, lets say I might as well not really have been there.

He's usually very careful to let me finish first, and likes lots of kisses. He didn't kiss me once, or even look at me, I was crying :(

When he finished he offered to go down on me, but I said no (so it's not as though he wasn't thinking of my enjoyment at all)

I am so angry with myself for not stopping it. I'm angry with him for not once asking me if I was ok, or if I was enjoying it. And for bringing something into our bedroom whilst he was sober and I was drunk. I feel like he's abused my trust and that last night he could have been fucking anyone, he wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't there.

Afterwards I was quiet, but it was only when he said, "wow, I didn't know you liked a good spanking", that I actually spoke up and said that I didn't.

He says he's sorry, but cant understand why I didn't stop him if I didn't like it (I cant understand this either, why didn't I?!)

How can I get past this feeling of betrayal?

Am I overreacting to this? I feel betrayed, not to mention bruised. He says this isn't something he'd planned on doing, it just happened and he enjoyed it (his words, "best orgasm ever"). He says he'll never do it again now he knows I don't like it.

I don't want to feel this way about him, but I feel suspicious and uncertain.

OP Im gonna go and make a start on my cleaning, but I will keep popping back, hope you can have a good chat with H x

Serenity but u are being VERY harsh, OP is having a bad time and you're all but accusing her of putting her dc in danger.

NotSureWhereToGoFromHere - firstly you're not a freak, and you're not being unreasonable. You're feeling shaken after an experience you disliked, and you're annoyed with yourself for not speaking up (even though you have your reasons for not saying no at the time). Personally I find the responses of "your fault, you should have said no" etc really insulting and downright wrong.

I think you really need to sit down with your DH and tell him exactly what you said here. Say you felt taken advantage of, that you wanted to say no but because of the situation before you felt you couldn't/it was easier to go along with it than to face the possibility of him carrying on anyway, and that your lack of self-esteem has knocked you far more than he may be aware. Some men can be pretty dense, and in his mind he may have just come to the conclusion that "she's not feeling sexy, let's try something new and I'll make her feel sexy so she'll feel better", but instead of focussing on you, he let his own fantasies cloud his judgement and he hurt you in the process. (I'm not making excuses for his behaviour btw, this is just how I'm reading the situaton). He needs spend a lot of time trying to rebuild trust with you and he has to understand that you'll feel more sexy/adventurous when you feel better about yourself, but that boost in self-esteem won't come from a frantic night in the bedroom. It'll take time, but I'm sure you'll get there yourself with some love and support from him.

It's ok loopy, I know my situation. I know my dcs are safe.

Reality, he was mortified and devastated that he'd done it. It came up because we were talking about our sex life and I needed to tell him the reason why I had been unable to orgasm during sex for two years. He didn't remember the night, he'd clearly convinced himself that it was just a game (not a game we have ever played btw).

After talking our sex life improved and he put a lot of effort into reassuring me and making sure I was always comfortable with what we were doing.

Another reason this was such a shock, in that he didn't ask me once. It was only about a month ago we tried something else and he asked me throughout if I was ok and happy or wanted to stop.

Maybe i'd become used to him asking. I don't know. As I said I had been drinking.

I'm confusing myself.

Cat I think you've read the situate. Perfectly. I think that is what he was thinking (sounds like him) and that he just got so caught up in the fact that he enjoyed it so much, checking on me went out the window. Thank you, that is actually reassuring.

That should read 'situation perfectly'

I think you need to look more at any trust issues in your relationship and sort them out seperately to this spanking session.

I don't know how or what your DH was thinking but you accepted it for 20 minutes without saying stop/no/ouch/I don't like that and then you pulled out a condom and rolled over to move things on. I would think your DH thought you were enjoying it to do this.

I certainly couldn't hit someone open handed full strength for 20 minutes without bloody sore hands how could you not have said ouch or expressed some discomfort unless you were really drunk and numb.

It sounds to me he was really into it/you hence the face in shoulder and no kissing, my DP gets like this on occasions when really into things but he would stop instantly if I said so. Your DP offered to finish you off after.

If this OP had started with '3 years ago, my DH raped me and now I feel like I have to let him do anything he wants to me' there would have been a chorus of 'leave him'.

OP, I am glad that you know that your DCs are safe. This must mean that you know that he would never harm you on purpose. Get some communication going and work out what to do should this situation ever arise again, like a code word as some have suggested. Don't know how you would go about raising your self esteem but I hope you can find a way to make sure that you can assert yourself in future.

Notsure , i know youve said you dont want to go into detail , but now youve said about the other incidant it does tend to put a differant spin on things. You said he pretending you were playing , but it was rape ( more common in marriage than you think ).

In my experience where a a man has this sense of entitlement there are usually a range of unacceptable attitudes and behaviours they display . You said you only spoke to him about that incidant last year as you were afraid of breaking things again , to me that sounds like you struggle to communicate with him or that he refuses to listen to you , feeling afraid of raising things is not ok.

You also said hes a nice man , does the childcare , housework ect. A nice man does not rape his wife or hit her as hard as he can for 20 minuites. Forget the housework or the childcare , whats he like with you ?

Dignified, dh sometimes ' hits me as hard as he can for twenty minutes' .He is a very good man and this is something we both enjoy.

Both enjoy , exactly , very differant to what the ops talking about.

Reality, the first thing was not right.

Last night? A misunderstanding.

Normally sex between us involves a lot of eyecontact and obvious mutual encouragement. Last night none of that was there. I think it was stupid. Had I been sober I would have acted without the paralysing indecision - and that is how I would describe it, I was completely unable to say or do anything and couldn't think clearly. Whether it was shock or the alcohol I don't know.

I am someone who can not react to pain very easily, no matter how bad it is.

I think what it does come down to is either I think dh didn't know I wasn't into it, or I think he did. And I think he didn't know. I also think he didn't bother to find out, but then I didn't tell him either (and although the reasons for that are understandable, I will need to get past them to be in a relationship with dh).

I agree that bdsm is not the issue. It's about trust.

He is still saying all the right things. Just wish I could stop crying,

Op why did you not feel you could discuss the first incidant immediateley afterwards or during ? Its clearly had a massive impact on you , yet he claims he doesnt remember. How convenient.

Dignified, things were very bad back then. The year before we had been through a bereavement and I had been very depressed. Things came to a head and we nearly went our separate ways. It was only a couple of weeks after we decided to stick with it that this happened. Dh was still unsure about us at the time and I wanted us to work.

And yes I'm aware that this makes him sound like a git. And for a while he was. Things weren't easy for either of us, they got better though. Until recently. But we were back on track again.

There are lots of good bits to the relationship too.

He is genuinely sorry. He has had issues with entitlement.

Don't all scream "leave him" because I'm not going to. I want solutions within this not apart.

Reality, I'm torn too.

Not abuse, no, assaulted twice when quite young which did affect me, and dh knows about it.

Youve got to look at the facts , not what you think he thought , its actions that matter.

He didnt ask in the first place.
You had been drinking.
He hit you as hard as he could.
You moved yet he continued.
He didnt ask you at any point.
He " failed " to notice your sobbing , did he not notice your wet face when he buried his face in your neck ?
He TOLD you that you liked it " Wow , i didnt realise you liked a spanking ".
He also " couldnt understand " why you didnt object , making it your responsibility.

I think he HAS minimized it with this bullshit that he thought she liked it. Would HE like being hit that hard for 20 minuites ?
WWhat he " thought " isnt the issue , id say the focus should be on why he felt he had a right to do this to you without your consent.

Dignified, even I think that without my saying anything there is an implied consent. It's just that this was something new for both of us and his priority was not making sure I was safe and happy. When i think it should have been -especially since he was sober and I had been drinking.

I asked him this morning if he'd like it, and he said he'd hate it, but thought I did like it.