For those wishing to improve their self esteem

[Mummiehunnie]

I need to work on my self esteem and I have noticed a few others on here wanting to do the same.

I would like to start a positive thread, with self setting goals be they nothing or lots each day!

Hamster, have a look inside this book: "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J Smith.

Remember that BY LAW you have the right to be treated with respect and dignity.
This includes the right to freely express your opinions;
To choose whom you associate with;
To change your mind;
To disagree.

You also have the LEGAL right to rest and leisure;
food;
clothing;
housing
and support.

Everyone has these rights. You get them just for being human. they do not have to be earned.

Bill of Human Rights

Here's the Bil of Assertive Rights, from the Smith book linked above:

1. You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
2. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behaviour.
3. You have the right to judge whether you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems.
4. You have the right to change your mind.
5. You have the right to make mistakes - and be responsible for them.
6. You have the right to say, "I don't know."
7. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
8. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
9. You have the right to say, "I don't understand."

10. You have the right to say, "I don't care."

Pin it on your kitchen wall!

Grace, I love the human rights list!

quiddy, thanks for the book name, I may look at it when I run out of idea's. Right now I am working on my gut instincts on what I think will make me feel better about myself, rather than what someone else thinks will make me feel better!

Sorry about the outbreak of exclamation marks there, don't know what came over me.
I will go and lie down for a while in a darkened room.

I boosted my esteem by buying a zany top from New Look earlier which just might be a bit young for me but not once I have lost a couple of pounds which will further boost my self esteem

I think this thread is a lovely idea and I shall be looking for tips later/tomorrow

Btw op love the confidence of I will find my own things not whats on someones elses list !!

It doesn't matter if your list consists of domestic chores - it's the sense of achievement you get from getting stuff done that boosts you.

Today I cooked a meal for my DD and she ate it! That was an achievement.

hope you enjoyed some of the nice sunshine today quiddy!

getting easier getting that new top seems to have had a good effect on you, it was not confidence regarding finding my own things, what you will find it is boundaries and trying my very best to avoid being dragged into the games of good intentioned need others have to parent or rescue me into boosing my self esteem! I think I made it clear in my op that this was for folk to set themselves their own goals, which I imagine is better for self esteem building...

Karmann, you have great insight! How lovely when not only ourselves but those we cook for enjoy our labour!

getting easier, I am going to share something with you, the first page of this thread knocked my self esteem for various reasons and the posters will probably have no idea how or why their comments would do that to someone else, that is ok, they posted with good intentions I could see that, I was momentarily knocked down, I took a deep breath and ignored the negativity and unhelpfullness and carried on, I have enough self esteem to know a few things on how to build mine, and now I have enough self esteem to try and do that in a way that i know will help me, I would like some similar minded folk who want positivity in their lives also to post if that helps them if not I will post alone lol x

So here goes on how far I have achieved the goals so far I set myself....

Bed ordered
hair done
makeup done
shower done
homework chasing done

bins to do
ironing to do
washing in process

I think that was all, if not it was not that important...

I don't normally put on makeup, and I often abuse myself by leaving the bins till when I got to bed and stress myself out and give myself less sleep etc, rather than feeling realaxed as the job is done and going to sleep when i should

Ironing is sometimes a rush in morning to get stuff done so I want to take that stress off myself

washing, I kind of pile up from time to time and end up like a luanderette with loads of clothes to dry....

for me it is about thinking I am worth things and making life easier for myself although I do not have to explain myself as grace pointed out is a human right!

"I took a deep breath and ignored the negativity and unhelpfullness and carried on"

That was another achievement today - well done you!

Funny thing is with my DD is that she is a vegetarian that doesn't like vegetables! Almost impossible to feed!

I write myself a 'to do' list every day! Crossing things off gives me great satisfaction and if i do something that wasn't on the list, I write it down and then cross it off!

Hello please can I join the list?
I am going to start exercising. Despite the fact that I can't afford the time or the £ implication. We'll have to find the £ for it. Because I'm self employed, sole source of income and I don't get to see other mummies anymore and miss being me - I want to have more confidence, more self belief, I want to get back to me and work out what I am. I need to shift a good 4 stone - I'm accepting the fact that I need to start somewhere.

I can't believe that my husband would fancy me as I am, as I don't. But I'm going to do something to help myself like myself more. And maybe I'll feel better in my head by exercising and doing something for myself.

I often abuse myself

Blimey. I do, incessantly, constantly, all the time :( I am now abusing myself by going "mummiehunnie's done LOADS of things on her list and I haven't, boo hoo!"

So I'm not setting any goals. Rooting for you, though!

Uh, I had a shower and washed my hair. And meditated. The kitchen looks fairly tidy. This is okay.

I think you are making great strides already Mummiehunnie

I think there is definately something with this chaotic house thing. I know a woman who lives in an beautiful house but its a total tip. I mean, mountains of dirty, damp towels and clothes on every inch of floor, caked grime on the kitchen, bins flowing over, nothing hanging in the wardrobe ( its all on the floor/bed/table. Just really a total mess.

She has suffered a terrible childhood, lots of sexual and emotional abuse. To the outside world she is fiesty and confident. But i know her well and i know she thinks she doesn't deserve to have a nice home or a good life. So in an unconcious way she is sabotaging it herself. Several times when she is abroad, I have gone to her home and blitzed it, it can look so warm and inviting with some tlc. She is always bowled over and determined to maintain it but never, ever does.

I really think its her lack of belief in her right to a good home life.

Even when i was a poor student in digs, i would always get a vanity mirror (balanced on my sterio speakers if need be) and a lamp and some candles and make a little space for me, for making up my face in the morning, for sticking up my lists, just a corner for me. Every woman needs a dressing table. Mum used to sing 'where ever I lay my hat' to me, but she was right. I will make where ever I am my haven.

perfumed your positivity is lovely to hear!

Grace, NOOOOOO don't feel bad.... I am still to do the ironing bit, and the bins, this is very interesting as I am procrastinating, I feel I deserve some time alone as kids been up and down and still I am listening to dd2 going on about her snotty nose, she has now been told she is loved and sent to bed again.....sex and the city is so appealing, i will do bins in the commercial break.... I can see me Ironing just what is needed at this rate!

Bird nice to see you, all sounds good to me x

I am making myself a short list today of things I would like to achieve in the day as well!

I also want to tell myself something nice that I did for myself and someone else each day, who is someone I know or do not know.

This morning, when in heavy traffic I gave way when I did not have to, to a few people!

Agh - my exercise dvd has not turned up so I'll have to call the supplier. That type of thing stresses me out.

Took ds to greenwich today - just got home - we're exhausted but it boosted me taking ds somewhere new - we even took the boat back to London Bridge and went home from there.

Good day.

Now on with dinner as dh home tonight. And I'm not going to fret if it's any good. It will be edible and that's all that's required actually.

Hamster - why do you feel guilty if you buy food for yourself? Also, how old are your older dcs?

Next on the list is to again start driving long distances on my own. Used to, no issues, but being married has eroded my self esteem I think. Just want to get back to my former competent self. It will happen - we can all do it.

I like this thread and I like you mummiehunnie for starting it and keeping going with It and giving others encouragement too.

I have decided to put some makeup on before going to get ds from school.

I went for a run even with period concrete legs !

I am reading a book about my dream career because somewhere inside me I know I could do it [hope emoticon]

Can I join in as well please, sounds exactly what I need!

1. Buy a diary in which I can write all the bad stuff each day to get it out of my system rather than letting it fester but also making sure that I write at least one positive thing in it about what I have achieved each day and how that makes me feel

1. Make a list of three things that I need to do each day so that I can learn to deal with things head on rather than ignoring them. I will feel better for doing that and feel less cluttered in my mind

1. Go to the gym and not create excuses!

Thanks for thinking up this thread mummiehunnie!

BoingBoing - it's so important to write stuff down to de-clutter your head. It clears the mind.

My positive today - I went to a supermarket! Sounds trivial but I haven't been to one for four months! Yay, I did it!

I'd like to join!

Today I will:
*Drive to pick up DS from after-school club without getting panicked about other drivers, or the parking. I've done the trip before, and I know I am a capable driver.

*I have a book where I write positive things about my life - I've not done it for a while and I need to start again

*I will be positive about the good things in my life, and not feel guilty

*I will work hard (e.g. stop surfing Mumsnet!)

*I won't beat myself up, and I will listen to DH who tells me I'm fabulous. DH says if anyone else was as mean about me as I am he'd be furious with them

Chrysanthemum5, your dh sounds fabulous

Believe him, it's true!

Can I join?

I constantly feel like I am being judged about stupid stuff and I need to stop.

I have just got a lovely new house and want to keep on top of it because in my last house I let it get on top of me and felt shit when it was a mess and this feels like a lovely fresh new start and I want to keep it that way.

I am going to stop concerning myself with what everyone else thinks and concentrate on what I think from now on.

Thanks perfumedlife - he is very lovely!

I was struck by what you wrote earlier about your friend (who was abused as a child) not feeling like she deserved a good home life and sabotaging it. I had a very rough childhood, and my main problem now is that I assume everyone else is better than me, and I don't deserve my good adult life. But the one thing I have done for myself, even as a student, is buy flowers for the house. I remember being broke and spending 35p a week to buy a bunch of tulips at the market! If I don't have flowers around the house feels so cold and empty.

But for a long time I sabotaged myself - for years I bought the cheapest flowers, even flowers that I don't like because I felt I didn't deserve lovely flowers. So, now I buy the flowers I like without thinking about the price! Your post really made me think

I have boosted my self-esteem by taking zero tolerance to my now xdp's indiscretion (minor in his terms, major in mine), although I do admit to be struggling slightly.

I am moving on .