Come and talk to me about the protocol for single women being friends with married men

[Panoramic]

... and help me get out of a mess I seem to have obliviously ambled into. The mess is too wearisome to explain in detail, but the short version is that a woman in my village who I have been friendly with in the past but less so of late, but whose husband I do get along well with - and have got up to no funny business with - has been gossiping about me getting too friendly with her husband and telling people that she thinks there may be something going on between us. There isn't.

This had never occurred to me before now, because I have a handful of male married friends who help me out or come over for a meal and a chat with their wives' blessings, but is there a protocol that I'm missing, for how single women generally should and shouldn't interact with male friends who are in a relationship?

Please tell me, as a rule, are greeting hugs/pecks on the cheek OK? Them helping unblock a drain or fix a burst pipe? Can I have a drink with them? Can they pop over for an impromptu chat and meal (that I'm cooking for myself anyway)? What does and doesn't look OK from the outside looking in? Because I have obviously got something wrong somewhere along the line - even if that's just been being nice and friendly and not looking like the back end of a bus.

I really don't rate being gossiped about as a morally bankrupt husband predator (which I'm not), and want to make sure I know The Rules moving forward so I can make sense of why this has happened, and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Thanks.

coolfunz, you are right in doing that.

You have NO IDEA how many women are closet lezbanoodlians, yearning for a woman to share their life and chores with.

Men just arent up to that, chores I mean, unless there is a single woman with a caserolle dish and a blocked drain, then a chore is not a chore.

cf...you are entertaining me today

it beats Loose Fucking Women

Sandinmyshoes, regarding your comment, 'the amount of married women I've heard moaning because "that ikea cabinet has been sat there for WEEKS, I don't know when he's going to put it up" or "I've been on at him to paint the bathroom" - (YOU do it yourself!) far outnumbers the number of singletons (with full time jobs) who are "preying on men" to do things for them - most get on with it themselves'.

The difference is that often the married women are doing the bulk of other household jobs e.g. childcare, housework, cooking, washing including for the DH; not that they're incapable of DIY. Most married women also work outside the home too. I could paint the bathroom but then I would expect DH to do his share of cooking, cleaning, supervising homework etc. Men in the UK work the longest hours in Europe, most of them want to spend more time with their families not doing someone else's DIY in their spare time.

Im lost here altogether. The op was asking, from what I have gathered, what was considered appropriate behaviour between 2 friends of the opposite sex who happen to be friends of whom the man is married. Whether she gets him to hang curtains/mirrors, his head in shame whatever is neither here nor there. she is uncomfortable as her friends wife is making comments/starting gossip regarding her husband and the op. If she has an issue why not speak to her husband. I despair of life if its got to teh stage that whether you are single/married, married to someone suspicious or who doesnt trust you or married to someone who lets you be yourself and have friends is a decider in whether or not you are friends with the opposite sex, single or otherwise. Come on now ladies, where is the self respect here? If you dont trust him kick him out, dont lower yourself trying to control him.

Look, I have no objection to people wanting to engage in monogamous relationships. THe ones I object to are the ones who are obsessed with monogamy to the point of percieving every social interaction as a possible threat (even though they will only socialise with other heteromonagmous couples, you know, in case they catch something, like an independent thought), constantly banging on about the superiority of monogamy to all other ways of conducting one's life (condescending pity to the /celibate and a refusal to believe they are happy whatever they say, equally condescending contempt towards those who either have open relationships or lots of FBs -'you can't really be happy like that, you must have Ishoos, you need therapy') despite the fact that they seem, from an outsider viewpoint, to spend all their free time flapping, snooping, and warning other people (who have no interest in their partners) away. These are the small-minded mundanes.

SGB

Hilarious! i totally agree. My DH's friends wife is paranoid to the point that she is damaging her relationship. Even I who have been around her other half for 20 years and never a flicker of interest is a threat.

Live and let live I say. People are so judgey most of time about things they dont know anything about!

Why are posters here being attacked for jealousy?

In the op maybe so, the wife does seem threatened and small talk in a village is a mare.

But if I was her, I wouldn't be chuffed at all. Nothing to do with being controlling but we are busy enough as it is, working, family, etc, etc that I wouldn't be chuffed if hubby was around anyones house male or female constantly doing odd jobs, having off the cuff meals etc, we have enough on our plate.

Luckily he thinks the same and we work hard to spend time together as a family when we can, at least having dinner together, whilst still being sociable.

sgb...I don't actually see many of those "small-minded mundanes" on MN, generally

some people are obviously mad, monogamous-hysteric, or not

It's all fine as long as you don't start screwing him behind his wife's back while pretending to be her friend. Otherwise, why not?

god we have an annoying single woman on the street who asks DH to fix/mend/put together all kinds of shit

It is tiresome to say the least

Emmyloulou thats grand, it suits you both and you have discussed it. The problem is that most of the people who are having issues with their other half's have the issues not because of teh odd-jobs etc taking time away from their own family but because their DH is spending time with a single women without their presence being there to, by all accounts, stop them having sex the minute the door is closed. Are there that many relationships out there so bad that that is necessary?

deb...how do you know that "most" people having issues with their spouses spending time away from their own family with single women are solely thinking of them shagging away the minute the door closes

perhaps the woman described in the OP is

but I don't see where "most" people come into it

"most" people, certainly on MN, are pretty sensible

you do women down with your last post, deburca

People don't have affairs by investing most of their time with their spouse and children do they? The people that have affairs are round someone else's home investing time, or at work too much investing time etc.

I read this with interest. My ex was a serial adulterer and always called me paranoid when I raised issues with his female 'friendships'. Truth was he was always on the hunt. He is now married to a woman who was his 'friend' for the 10 years we were married. Not everyone is as platonic and above board as they seem.

You could arrange some kind of village orgy/cheese and wine do, to settle everyone's nerves.

The reason why i think that is that why else would they have a problem. What does it matter if their other half is down teh pub watching the match with his male friends or helping out a female friend/having a coffee/meal.

The most i am referring to are women who are so paranoid in their relationships that they distrust any single female around their DH/Partner. I dont believe that is me putting anyone down but the facts speak for themselves.

AF you seem pretty ballsy - are you telling me that if you had a problem with your DH spending time with a female friend that your route to solve it would be to spread a rumour about the woman involved?

If you dont trust the person you are with 100% do not be with them, you are putting yourself down and not valuing yourself if you do.

Around here rumour is if you leave your porch light on when your husband is out, you are up for a neighbourly visit.

Small villige gossip eh, don't you just love it.

deb...where the heck did I say I would start any rumours ?

and where did I say I don't trust my husband ?

I don't agree with the way the woman described in the Op is going about things, nor do I agree with the way the OP is handling it either

both are wrong

but I do object to the fact that because my husband doesn't spend time away from his family doing jobs for/having meals with single women, that makes him some horny bloke I have to keep on a leash

actually, he is a horny bloke that I keep on a leash, but that is a different thread < ahem >

This thread is good.
I finally find out what the word is for .... writing an Op, but holding back valueable info. then a very reasonable post later, which gives all the gorey details needed.

= stealth posting.

great. makes note. will use than tirelessly, from now on.

yes, oblomov, you have it

now please don't repeat it, because it is very irritating

AF

I didnt say you said any of that, I merely said if you had a problem that you would speak to him about it not start rumours - my point is not that your husband or anyone elses husband is needing to kept on a leash. My point is that if a woman has an issue with her husband spending time doing odd jobs or having a friendship with a single female then say it to him, ie there is more than enough to be doing around the house here or it would be nice to spend more time as a family. Not the, "that cow is batting her eyelashes at my DH" etc etc.

Honestly - would the same response be given if the husband was watching rugby in the local with 10 of his male friends?

The reference in the last paragraph was a general statement and not directed at you personally. I dont know you or your husband, who could I direct anything at you personally?

deb

Yes, but AF, its f**king irritating, isn't it ? happens all the time.
you read all the posts. think about it. post some sensitive thoughts. and then 3/4 of the way through the thread, out comes all the essentails. dh is a controlling wanker. or whatever/similar.
not in relation to this thread, am i refering. but to many recently. what a friggin waste of my time. cut to the chase. give the details from the start. for gods sake.

AF you seem pretty ballsy - are you telling me that if you had a problem with your DH spending time with a female friend that your route to solve it would be to spread a rumour about the woman involved?

deb...this is why I took your question as referring to me personally. It has my name on it.

I didn't take your comments personally, though, I just answered your question, as directed at me.

If my DH was watching rugby with 10 mates, and he was needed at home, he would get the same response from me.

I reckon I'm being annoying now though, so I will shut up.

you arent being annoying. you are giving your opinion, as are we all, which is why we are on this website, no point otherwise. I responded to you as you made a comment about me doing women down. My response was to highlight that you seemed to be a fairly good example of a fair minded confident woman. Hence the if.

The crucial part is if

To be honest it seemed as if you were taking the comments personally, you took exception to it. My point is that its the woman concerned who decides what tone events will take, ie, if its an issue with his time away from home not per se who he is spending his time with then the response will be the same,however the op appears to have been treated unfairly as in her friends wife spread a rumour that there was something untoward in that friendship. do you see what i mean?

anyway gotta run, school pick up soon