Who mentioned curtain rods?!
Right, first things first: thank you. I appreciate you all posting on this. It's useful to see how a single woman being friends with a married/attached man can be perceived by some wives/partners. It's obviously a divisive point: some of you wouldn't give a rats arse, and others would be deeply unhappy about it. Some of you think it attractive that your other half would want to help someone like me out; others would be pissed off. Which probably explains why I feel confused about if I've done anything wrong or not.
Secondly, I need to set the record straight. In my OP, I asked towards the end what kind of interaction is generally considered OK between a single woman and married man, listing some examples. I haven't actually done all those things with the man in question! I have seen the man whom I supposedly have something going on with (sigh) without kids/his wife only twice: once last year, and once this year. It's not a regular occurrence. We just get along in a matey sort of way and have an occasional catch-up. So this is happening very rarely. And we don't hug or peck on the cheek either (more about that in a bit).
The other things I talked about were with reference to other married men I am friends with. When my loo blocked earlier this year, I tried unblocking it myself to no avail (tried the plunger/buckets of water/chemicals route), and ended up paying £200 for a plumber to sort it. A builder friend (who's married) insisted he sort it if there's a next time and that I mustn't shell out that amount again on getting it fixed. He has also offered to help insulate my loft before this winter. Another lovely (female) friend insisted her husband lag my pipes when they froze earlier in the year. I insisted not ? I wanted to do it myself ? and it got to the point where he was on his way over and I asked her to call him and get him to head home. Another male (married) friend, whose wife is also a close friend, occasionally helps me with my garden, which is way too big for DS and I to keep on top of. I think these offers of help are lovely and thoughtful and really don't think there are hidden (sexual) agendas going on here ? just kindness. And most of the time, I'm not asking for the help. I like - and try - to be as independent as possible. But I'm not superhuman and a bit of help can make a big difference sometimes.
And if the above is all OK with the respective wives, why the fuss with the man in question? Last year when he came over to eat, it had recently been his birthday, and because I'd just come back from holiday and hadn't had time to buy a present (as families, we exchange presents), I suggested he come over for a catch-up and I'd cook ? as a sort of I-haven't-organised-anything-else gift. I thought this was nice of me! I then offered the same to the wife for her birthday, too, a couple of months later. This summer, he and I met up to have an impromptu go at solving a problem on a computer game one evening ? both our sons had been playing it and we'd both got into it with them ? and as I was cooking anyway, I asked if he wanted some dinner too. That is it. On the very rare occasions we catch up just the two of us, it's matey. All the other times, it's with our kids/his wife/father-in-law too. I don't kiss him on the cheek or hug him. The reason I mentioned kisses/hugs is because all the other husbands in our village do this luvvie two-pecks-on-the-cheek thing and sometimes a hug too when they greet me (and other women, I presume), in front of their wives too. It's the done greeting here. No one seems to bat an eyelid. I honestly didn't think it could be considered a big deal.
So I'm a bit confused. I know my intentions were honourable with the married man in question. I've known his wife long enough for her to know I would never do anything like she is suggesting.
However, some of your posts make clear that these occasional meet-ups could be distressing to some wives (her included), and get me a reputation whether I deserve it or not. So, moving forward, I plan to keep a very low profile with the couple in question, refuse most help from married men unless it's an emergency or the wife is insistent/involved/a good friend too, and keep physical contact with married men to an absolute minimum (without conspicuously pulling away from luvvie pecks in a freaky panic!). I don't want to upset anyone, or give the wrong impression.
I do think it's a bit sad, though, because being a lone parent can be isolating enough as it is: you don't get invited to couple-centric things, and you're in most nights on your own. It would be sad if you had to write off male friendships on top of that (unless you fortuitously happen to get on just as well with their partners too) because of your marital status and assumed desperation/insatiable sex drive/lack of morals/whatever. And a bugger if you happen to simply get along well with men.
Thanks again for all your posts.