Come and talk to me about the protocol for single women being friends with married men

[Panoramic]

... and help me get out of a mess I seem to have obliviously ambled into. The mess is too wearisome to explain in detail, but the short version is that a woman in my village who I have been friendly with in the past but less so of late, but whose husband I do get along well with - and have got up to no funny business with - has been gossiping about me getting too friendly with her husband and telling people that she thinks there may be something going on between us. There isn't.

This had never occurred to me before now, because I have a handful of male married friends who help me out or come over for a meal and a chat with their wives' blessings, but is there a protocol that I'm missing, for how single women generally should and shouldn't interact with male friends who are in a relationship?

Please tell me, as a rule, are greeting hugs/pecks on the cheek OK? Them helping unblock a drain or fix a burst pipe? Can I have a drink with them? Can they pop over for an impromptu chat and meal (that I'm cooking for myself anyway)? What does and doesn't look OK from the outside looking in? Because I have obviously got something wrong somewhere along the line - even if that's just been being nice and friendly and not looking like the back end of a bus.

I really don't rate being gossiped about as a morally bankrupt husband predator (which I'm not), and want to make sure I know The Rules moving forward so I can make sense of why this has happened, and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Thanks.

invite a female friend round for impromptu dinners and "unblocking drains"

alternatively, employ a cash-strapped plumber to do it and help get our fecked economy back on its feet

I do sympathise a little bit, I know single women cannot win whatever they do, but if you had any decency at all you would be taking this "gossip" as a warning sign that you are overstepping a mark (whether consciously or not) and modify your helpless single female act

female friendsips are worth much more than pissing them off because you are appearing to intrude on their family time

gawd knows what these "helpful" blokes tell their wives...and you are foolish to allow yourself to be used in some sort of "OW amateur dramatics"

take a plumbing course yourself...you never know, you might meet your own fella

TBH if a woman said to my hubby "jump" and he said "how high", I'd sling him out.

He is busy enough eating meals with his family and doing odd job "manly" things around the house for us as a family that need doing, without going off to do them for another woman when she asks.

You have heard the phrase no smoke without fire? I'd start backing off unless you want to become completely unpopular in your village, unfair or not.

It depends on the situation and the people involved. Women are usually fairly tuned in to this stuff and there are some women I would be happy for my DH to have dinner with (and he does) and others where this would not be the case.

There is one mother from school who practically salivates when she sees my DH. If you too are salivating, YABU, if not, YANBU.

If she's worried about you then the problem is on her doorstep not yours. Maybe he does fancy you... maybe he's giving her reason to be paranoid... the only definite thing you know is that nothing's going on your end.

To all the hysterical wives shouting the OP down for "inviting him over for dinner" - I did not get this impression at all... I got the impression that on occasion if someone popped in whilst she was cooking herself dinner she would offer them something to eat. Totally different.

It's perfectly normal to have friendships with married men. I give everyone I know a hug and a kiss on either a cheek when I see them (men and women) - I can assure you I am not sleeping with all of my friends or their husbands. They all tell me off for paying a handyman when they could send their husbands round.

The fact is though that this man's wife is upset. If you are truly a friend and don't fancy him you will speak to either or both of them about these rumours. Personally I'd start with the wife. Be concerned (genuinely) and tell her that you've heard this is what she's been saying and you'd rather she'd spoken directly to you so you could reassure her. Ask her what's made her feel that way and if it is your behaviour then you can adjust it with her hubby. If it's clear that she's being a bit weird and unreasonable, you need to speak to your friend and advise him to pull his finger out and save his marriage because he's not making his wife feel secure enough in their relationship.

I'll tell you how I personally would feel about it, if he were my husband. He would not be doing handiwork around your home, or having drinks or meals with you. Also, learn to take care of your own home or hire someone for things you realistically cannot do.
There are plenty of unmarried men out there, so keep away from the married ones, or else deal with the gossip and dislike from other women.

I'm quite glad my dh couldn't unblock a drain or put up a cutain rail if he tried ....

What's so hard about unblocking drains or hanging curtain rails?

My husband has to work a lot of evenings and weekends, that's always when things go awry.

Google and YouTube. Free online tutorials on how to do it yourself.

I think it's fine to be friends with single and married people however, I don't think he should be coming round to help with domestic jobs unless their has been some kind of dire domestic emergency and you repay the favour e.g. by babysitting for them to go out as a couple etc.

Are you a single woman on your own or a single mum with children at home?

My DH recently mused that he could help a single parent neighbour with some DIY (quite a big job) and although I really like her and don't think she has any designs on my DH I took a strong line as sometimes I have to wait years for him to do things at home!

The impromput chat, meal, drinks?

I'm married, but I can't say I was interested in such a friendship with a married man when I was single.

It's making his wife uncomfortable.

HE should be the one who says no to that, but as he doesn't, I think you should back off.

And learn to do your own DIY or pay for it.

mmm I am single, and honestly would not do of the things you mentioned,and I operate a fairly 'open house' policy.

• I do my own drains, curtains etc -and have female friends to help if I needed it. At a push would ask a single male friend before getting someone elses husband over. If I had to ask a married man, I would invite both of them and bribe both of them with wine and food.

• Meal /drinks without the wife, I would feel very, very uncomfortable.

You are not doing anything wrong per se. But when I was married I would have been uncomfortable if my H had done those things.

Now I would not cultivate a friendship with a married man, without making sure both husband and wife were being 'cultivated as friends' if that is a real expression. Which may be a reflection on me being puritan - but still...

No, I have to say I wouldn't be happy with it either.

I don't think pecks on the cheek and hugs are the problem, but the fact that you want them in your house without their wives probably is.
It strikes me as odd that they would want to go and have a meal at yours or a drink in the pub without their wives, and any man who genuinely pops anywhere for an impromptu chat probably does have other things on his mind. Are they happy in their marriage?

As for the drains and curtains thing, I wonder what it is about a man that makes him better at DIY. I can certainly do these things myself.

I agree that speaking to the wife is probably the best bet, as you will be able to figure out what is and isn't ok, and probably nip her ill-feeling in the bud too.

I am a bit confused about your intentions to be honest, it seems as if you are a little bitter about the fact that this man in particular has a wife, therefore I'm not in the slightest bit surprised that she is concerned about your motives too.

where, oh where, is Op ?

I dunno. I'm fine with hugs and kisses on greeting.

I'd be less keen on losing my DH to unblocking a drain

The meals thing - well lunch at a neutral venue is fine, nice to catch up with friends on that basis, and I do it all the time. But inviting my DH (and only my DH and not me) over for dinner sounds a bit fat warning bell. I think I'm quite relaxed about these things as well, so not surprised you've got into trouble.

Nope, it would just not have occurred to me to see a married man in my house for drinks when I was single.

Hugs and kisses.

Nope.

Can't imagine doing that married, either.

Just the thought of pecking and of my married friend's husbands is rather icky to me.

I don't think my husband would be that keen on it, either, seeing his wife hug and kiss some other woman's husband.

OP is here, AnyFucker, and reflecting on all your responses. Sincere thanks. They're making me think.

I hope to get back on here this evening and have the time to post a full reply.

Thanks again.

ah, glad you are still here

I thought you might have been frightened off

Oh FFS mundanes are tedious with their monogamist whining. ANd smalltown mundanes the most tedious of the lot - nothing better to do than fret and speculate over heteromonogamy. OP: if you know you have no interest in anyone else's husband, reassure the wife to that effect and don't let it worry you. Indulging and pandering to jealous needy snivellers is never a good idea because nothing's ever enough for them.

I have a lot of married male friends - I went on a really long walk with one of them the other day, just the two of us. But I am very good friends with his wife. I am a bit mystified that you have lots of married male friends but don't know their wives. How did that happen?

And I'm single. I use a plumber or fix it myself. You're a woman, not helpless.

hear hear sgb

This weekend I have a)plastered the walls in my kitchen, b)tiled with mosaics and grouted them- well most of them, I've just stopped for a cuppa, and c)painted two doors.

If only I was friends with any married men, I needn't have bothered

I hear what you are saying SGB, and generally agree with you - re all thing monogamy related.

However, would I honestly feel comfortable having a friendship with someone who had committed to that lifestyle, and the result was to actively make their partner uncomfortable? I don't think I would - but perhaps it is pandering...

Particuarly when it is to take on a pretty sterotypical feminine role of 'cooking them dinner' or 'getting them to unblock my drains'? (sorry OP - just sounds a bit 'little woman' for me )

...don't know...

I'd have no objection to dh being your friend but do get pissed off if he starts running around/doing obs/lending our stuff to friends both male and female. It's a "generous" trait he's got which really gets on my tits, there's enough to do here thanks v much.

the final straw for me was when he spent 10 hours over the course of several evening sorting out a female friends laptop for her when there was childcare/housework to do here, I was pg with ds at the time too. she promised to babysit as a return favour but never has so I've said no to favours from now on. .

Do your own household chores but don't worry about being mates with him and ignore the gossips. Dh has a couple of female mates he sees sometimes for coffee or whatever, I'm not keen on them so I don't join (not because I'm jealous btw, i find them irritating) but I'm happy for him to see them.

even if they did have designs on him they don't stand a chance

As a soon to be newly divorced person woman, I find that both women and men are wary of me. It's like I'm some sex crazed walking vagina who's going to jump on anyone vaguely male and am on some bitter revenge thingy.

I've reassured my friends that I'm happy to be on my own, don't need anyone's pity and can lop a branch off a tree if need be. I have located all the necessary local services and get stbexh to pay for any of the work needing doing to the car and the house. :)

However I've helped out my single girlfriends when they've needed help hanging curtains. For the rest I say get someone professional in or have a go yourself.

I wouldn't dream of inviting someone else's husband to dinner, sorry not to help you out with this as I know in a small town there is often small mindedness. I understand the frustration but please just don't give people any fuel for gossiping. It's not worth it.

Speaking as someone with a married male bf, unless you are more considerate to his wife's feelings, I don't see this going well. You are either going to lose a friend or cause massive upset in their marriage. If you don't care about the latter I would then question your motives, just as I am his.