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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How To Tell the Children????

109 replies

chucklechick · 01/09/2005 09:23

I think that DP and I are at breaking point.

I feel that I cant take anymore and the option left for us is to split. Its making me feel sick to the stomach to do this but I feel like I am drowning.

The only thing stopping this at the mo is the kids. How can I split my children from their dad? I know that my life emotionally will be happier if I were away from him but I can't bring myself to do this.

What do you say to a five year old????

I've posted before under a different name a few months ago.

I told him yesterday that I cant go on and he got really angry and said if I want to break our family up then I can be the one to leave (with kids) His reason? So that I am the 'one who looks bad' in the kids eyes - how pathetic and crazy is that, am hoping it is just a last ditch attempt at keeping us together but more likely his control tactics as usual.

I'm always worried about posting on here incase someone in RL is on here (silly I know) and it stops me writing certain things but I feel so confused and sad and scared it helps to write things down.

Sorry its long.

OP posts:
waterfalls · 01/09/2005 09:28

I think it is a messy break up that has a lasting effect on children more than the break up itself.

If you can both be calm about it, learn to accept it and try to get on together during the break up and in the future, the children will adjust pretty quickly.

Vaunda · 01/09/2005 09:29

Chucklechick,
I have only one piece of advice that i always stick by....
HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY.

I have always told my DS the truth about things that were going on and feel that this is the only way to go.

Tell your 5 year old that mummy and daddy have fallen out and that you (or him) are going to go to another place to live to see if you can be friends again.

Childrens are more resiliant than they are given credit for.

GOOD LUCK and if you need to talk drop me a line anytime.

Original poster
chucklechick · 01/09/2005 09:30

It would kill me if I had to be seperated from them so hwo can I do it to him????? But hes made it clear he is not changing I feel so trapped its like I'm suffocating. I can't think straight an feel like I am either on the brink of floods of tears but I cant in front of kids or I am just numb.......

OP posts:
Original poster
chucklechick · 01/09/2005 09:31

Waterfalls - he says things like 'I'm not going to be the bad guy in their eyes' etc and I can't understand why he would want to make this more traumatic for them...

OP posts:
throckenholt · 01/09/2005 09:32

sorry - I have no experience of how you do this - but just a comment about leaving - I think in terms of rights to the house in the future it is generally better if you stay there with the kids - something to do with you abandonning the home if you leave.

crazydazy · 01/09/2005 09:32

I know how you feel with the kids as I have found myself in your situation so many times. The main thing that stops me from leaving apart from the kids is the phobia (but thats another story).

You say yourself that you know you will be happier away from him I am sure your kids wouldn't want you to be unhappy and they would still see their Dad wouldn't they? He's not going to walk out of their lives forever, not if he is such a good dad to them.

You cannot live your life for your kids, you will just end up resenting them in the longrun.

How old are they?

Original poster
chucklechick · 01/09/2005 09:35

They are four and two.

I would never stop him seeing them - he could see them whenever he wanted. I just cant go in in this situation. There is no way I am leaving though. The eldest starts big school next week - what am I supposed to do?

OP posts:
waterfalls · 01/09/2005 09:35

The kids will pick up on negativity no matter how well you think you are holding up, if you feel that low it is best to just bite the bullet.
You wont be taking his child away from him, you can give him as much access as you see fit.

crazydazy · 01/09/2005 09:40

I wouldn't leave either Chuckle, the children need to have their familarity if they are to go through this. Why should they move house? You are going to be the main caregiver so you should stay put!!!!

My kids are 5 and 3 and my life seems similar although you haven't said why you want to leave him. Its okay if you don't feel able to talk about it but sometimes talking helps

Original poster
chucklechick · 01/09/2005 09:49

I don't want to go into full details at hthe mo it would take too long. But I have come to realise at last that he is very controlling and I am very weak. I sometimes think he suffers from depression but he has never been to the doctors no matter how much I ask him to. He also has a nasty temper on him.

OP posts:
Vaunda · 01/09/2005 09:56

Chuckle,
sometimes the kids need to see mummy can and does cry. it makes them realise even mummies can get hurt and upset. Don't bottle it up

Original poster
chucklechick · 01/09/2005 10:01

He has just phoned and said he is not leaving. He says he does not want us to break up - but then he is not the one in my shoes.

He says he is not going to be the one to walk out - if I want us to split up then me and the kids have to leave.........this is crazy - how can he want this for the children????

OP posts:
Original poster
chucklechick · 01/09/2005 10:02

Vaunda - they have seen me cry. Too much.

OP posts:
waterfalls · 01/09/2005 10:03

Is marriage councilling (sp?) an option

Original poster
chucklechick · 01/09/2005 10:05

I had suggested going to relate before but he refuses point blank.

We are not married btw. He pays bills but house is in both our names.

OP posts:
waterfalls · 01/09/2005 10:07

A trial separation (where he leaves) I know he wont but if it is a trial He might consider it.

Chandra · 01/09/2005 10:07

HAve you considered seeing a solicitor or contacting CAB? Before you leave or even before you start going into details with your DH, it would help to know what's your position and the one of your husband to avoid falling in his guilt traps, or avoiding errors that can make the divorce more difficult. HTH.

Original poster
chucklechick · 01/09/2005 10:08

He wouldn't go for that. When he was young his parents were always splitting up and geting back together. He says if I make this happen it is final.

OP posts:
Chandra · 01/09/2005 10:09

Oops, crossposted, even if you are not married CAB may be able to define your position. But considering what you are saying here, I believe is better to stay put, don't leave the house, at least not yet.

rickman · 01/09/2005 10:09

Message withdrawn

Chandra · 01/09/2005 10:09

Well, do you want it to be final? if so, that's your chance

Original poster
chucklechick · 01/09/2005 10:14

I just don't see why me and the kids should leave. Its his behaviour thats caused this and I beleive that he should go. He has plenty of friends he could stay with.

What sort of parent would put their kids through firstly their mum and dad parting, but having to leave their home and toys overnight??

I don't expect him to pay for us to live here - but until I sort something out at least.

OP posts:
Original poster
chucklechick · 01/09/2005 10:16

I need to be strong. It has got to this stage before but I have always buckled and said OK we'll try again for the sake of our family.

But what sort of family is it when we spend all our time arguing? I don't want the kids top see that as normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
chucklechick · 01/09/2005 10:18

If I did have to leave - what would I do about dd starting school?? She is so anxious about it and I can't bear to make things worse for her.

OP posts:
crazydazy · 01/09/2005 10:22

My dp is very controlling and has a bad temper, it only really comes out in him when he has been drinking but I know for that reason that one day we will split up, things just haven't got that bad yet that I have felt the need to leave him as he too is a really good father and as I grew up without a father figure I wanted my children to have a father around all the time. I just wanted more for them than I had.

You are right though Chucklechick you do need to be strong unfortunately I am not strong enough as yet!!!