How To Tell the Children????

[chucklechick]

I think that DP and I are at breaking point.

I feel that I cant take anymore and the option left for us is to split. Its making me feel sick to the stomach to do this but I feel like I am drowning.

The only thing stopping this at the mo is the kids. How can I split my children from their dad? I know that my life emotionally will be happier if I were away from him but I can't bring myself to do this.

What do you say to a five year old????

I've posted before under a different name a few months ago.

I told him yesterday that I cant go on and he got really angry and said if I want to break our family up then I can be the one to leave (with kids) His reason? So that I am the 'one who looks bad' in the kids eyes - how pathetic and crazy is that, am hoping it is just a last ditch attempt at keeping us together but more likely his control tactics as usual.

I'm always worried about posting on here incase someone in RL is on here (silly I know) and it stops me writing certain things but I feel so confused and sad and scared it helps to write things down.

Sorry its long.

she hasnt seen it yet im going to give it to her in hospital - im off to bed too now, chat soon nite nite

Chucklechick's on holiday isn't she?

Hi CD thanks for the messages of support. Mum asked me yesterday what was going on and I still couldn't bring myself to tell her. I am not a very domestic type and she always takes DH's side in arguments thinking that it must be my fault cos I didn't make dinner or haven't tidied up! Also if anyone crosses her girls she finds it very difficult to forgive them and I guess I'm frightened to tell her in case she has problems dealing with him, which would make it really difficult if we managed to sort things out. Anyway I appreciated the thoughts I haven't told anyone in RL so it's good to let things out.

hi hulla, i was worried too about telling my parents the whole truth about whats gone on with partner, for the same reason, incase we got back together and even to this day there have been things they dont know or even anyone knows about, but the times i did tell them things when we split up and got back together they accepted him back and was fine with him for my sake maybe your mom would do the same?

but if u feel like u cant talk to anyone in rl (which sometimes is hard) and would like to talk to someone just cat me and id do what i can to help

Hi there - haven't read all the posts so I apologise if I repeat. What I wanted to say is that working out what to say to them is, imho, secondary. What needs to come first is working out what you will do with regard to the kids. If you can decide on what the kids' life will look like - where you will all live, how often they will see each parent, how they'll maintain contact with grandparents and other family, where they will go to school, then you have something to tell them - you'll have genuine answers, positive things to say to them, commitments to live up to. If you have this (and implement it) then I think kids can deal with a break up. My reasons for saying this are deeply personal and from my experience of my parents' divorcing. There were 27-odd girls in my class with parents who were together. But I was jealous of the one girl whose parents were divorced - because they had handled it well and talked to each other. imho Divorce doesn't fuck kids up. Badly handled divorce does.

Me again

Thought things might improve after all that last month but nothing has.

I really do know it is over but can't bring myself to make it happen.

Life is unbearable to the point where I look at the clock and my heart drops if I see he will be home from work soon. I no longer like him as a person and can't imagine myself feeling comfortable even cuddling him anymore.

I wish I had a magic wand that could change him.

He sees breaking up and him actually leaving the house as 'him being the bad guy' in the childrens eyes (this stems from his childhood with his dad I think)

But with children there should be no bad guy....you are seperating because you keep arguing and make eachother unhappy its not a competition.

I just cannot do it all anymore and am simply dreading Xmas. Looking at last years Xmas photos makes me feel so sad as behind my fake smiles in them I have been having my heart broken over and over again by all this.

Sorry to ramble, can't think straight.....

Think about how you feel now and then think how you will be feeling when your oldest child is 13. That's how I feel because I was never brave enough to leave/call a halt to it all. I should have left when they were little - I said all the things you have said to yourself and now it IS too late to go. They would remember too much and blame themselves for it all. Don't find yourself in my position a few years down the line. It's a waste of everybodies lives. Good luck, whatever you do.

cc

im so sorry to hear that things havent got better for you. maybe you could make a difference to this year's christmas instead of you dreading it and make the new year a new start without your dp/dh. i know its hard but if it will make you happy it will all be worthwhile.
have a chat with your dp/dh and reassure him that no matter what happens he will never be known as the bad guy and that he will always have contact with your children.
maybe all of you could sit down and your dp/dh and yourself can explain to the children (or try too) that mommy and daddy are making each other sad and arguing a lot so you have both made the decision that you cant live together anymore. explain to the children that you both still love them very much and also that no-one is to blame but daddy will still see them, just to give the children a little reasurance too xxxx