How To Tell the Children????

[chucklechick]

I think that DP and I are at breaking point.

I feel that I cant take anymore and the option left for us is to split. Its making me feel sick to the stomach to do this but I feel like I am drowning.

The only thing stopping this at the mo is the kids. How can I split my children from their dad? I know that my life emotionally will be happier if I were away from him but I can't bring myself to do this.

What do you say to a five year old????

I've posted before under a different name a few months ago.

I told him yesterday that I cant go on and he got really angry and said if I want to break our family up then I can be the one to leave (with kids) His reason? So that I am the 'one who looks bad' in the kids eyes - how pathetic and crazy is that, am hoping it is just a last ditch attempt at keeping us together but more likely his control tactics as usual.

I'm always worried about posting on here incase someone in RL is on here (silly I know) and it stops me writing certain things but I feel so confused and sad and scared it helps to write things down.

Sorry its long.

I have been reading this and my heart goes out to you. It is a terrible situation.

You say he has offered to move out. How about asking him to move out temporarily to give you both some time to think? Then you can maybe live with that for a few days and then see how you feel - him pressurising you is not helping you to reach a calm rational decision. Then you can try and get an appointment at Relate or somewhere and see if you feel he will really give it a go.

I almost left 18 months ago but under pressure we had some counselling (pressure to get him there that is) and we went some way with it but as we don;t live in the UK it is hard to carry on and out counsellor left so that was that. And we are now back at square 1. You will be more able to gauge how much he means to change (if at all) by his responses to the counselling. My DH ws very good and "talking the talk" i.e saying what the counsellor (and me!) wanted to hear but things haven't really changed. My situation isn't as bad as yours though so I am still here!

Monstersmum - I think you are right, I have no choice but to ask him to move out temporarily at the least. I know he won't have it though. He's coming home from work soon and I feel sick to the stomach.

Munz - as it is his behaviour an d actions that has lead to this I am perfectly entitled to ask him to go temprarily aren't I.

My mum said I need a week or so to think things over. Even the fact of the kids not seeing him for that long and vice versa makes me feel queasy and scared. (Though not the thought of me not seeing him).

Yes would love to talk to you Chuckle, I was thinking just the same. You seem to be a similar person to me.

Thanks for your advice too Munz, it is appropriate to me too and it does make sense what you say. My problems go way beyond just DP but thats for another time!!!

Thanks again. Thats why I love Mumsnet so much because when you need to talk there is someone there for you and it feels nice!!!!

hi chuckle, ive only just read ur first post but i think that if u are very unhappy in ur relationship the child/ren would probably be picking up on this, i have just been through a break up with my dd's father i hadnt been happy in the relationship for a while but i just put up with it and i think my dd's were picking up on this and they didnt seem as lively or happy with mommy and daddy not getting on. he had a bad temper and to be honest im still scared of him BUT their has been a huge difference in myself and the children, my dd's seem a lot happier and contented and im been quite happy in myself and im sure my dd's have picked up on that, yes it was hard at first but we got through it, and think we are all better off without him. contact with their dad has been very little. sorry this seems a little long, not sure if this will be any help or comfort but
i feel for u going through a diffucult time i hope it works out for u xxx

CC - how did u get on today? I'd go with what ur mum said, get him to move out for a while, no contact for a week and see how things go, explain it's what u need. he must relaise to a point sometimes the best thing u can do for someone u love is to left them go. he can still see the children - how about if you take them to your mums and he visits them there, that way you don't have to see him. please don't feel we're pressurising you as the decision has to be yours alone i'm afraid.

CD - (((hugs))) for u as well honney, I think to an extent you need to fix yourself before thinking about fixing any problems with DP perhaps? (((hugs))) (I know it's easy said than done thou)

both of u have the strenght u just need to find it. x

cc hi ive just read a bit more of ur messages

firstly im so sorry your going through all this

secondly this all seems a little too fimilar ive been in the situation where my dp has begged, pleaded and cried saying he cant be without me and my dd's and that he'll change and then i feel gulity and its like im the bad one so i let him come back things are fine for a few weeks but then it all slips back to how it was b4

dont get me wrong ur dp could be very different to my ex

maybe u could suggest that he moves out for a while and when hes got himself sorted doing all the things he promised like going doctors and going to relate, and when u see a change or proof that hes trying his hardest, then sit down together and reconsider again sorry if im just babbling, i just understand what ur going through and id like to try and help xxx

thats' it XM - like CC is the 'prize' if u like for gettin himself sorted. (if that's what u wanted CC)

yeah something like that munz but like u said its what cc wants after all she needs to be happy and safe so she can care for their child/ren

First off thank you all so so much for all your replies and advice.

Today was a complete nightmare. Basically it was tears begging and pleading again when I said this was defintly the end of us. However, he has promised to change in an important area (sorry to be vague but feel wierd typing every detail??!!???) that he hasn't ever promised before.

That said, I haven't told him that we are staying together. He has gone for the night. Our eldest overheard a conversation ealier and freaked out because she thought daddy was leaving We had to tell her mummy and daddy were having silly arguments and that we were trying our best to be friends. I could slap myself.

It has been the day from hell. He even says he can live without me loving him if I can just give it a go with him meeting all my 'conditions' (can't think of another word).

I have said I don't know if that is possible. I can't go thru this a few months down the line again. Neither of us can.

I think things may be a little clearer tomorrow (I hope).

At the moment the kids are asleep and I am own my own, feeling like I'm going to throw up.

chucklechick i have been wathing your thread and just needed to say well done you are very couragous to take this step I do admire you and will be praying God peace in your home to night
it is a tough decision to take the big step expecially on a Friday I do admire you.

So it is time for you so go for a bath have a class of something nice of to bed get a really good nights sleep and approach the world tomorrow fresh, your Dd's will be fine and in the end a happier mummy they will be grateful for

Thank you Mumbee, I appreciate it loads x x

Hi chucklechick, sounds like you are doing the right thing, and maybe your partner will follow through. If he doesn't then you really will know where you stand. Great idea to work out what you really want and be able to say it. If you can get some counselling support (even or amybe as well just for you) then I would really recomend it - it's great to be able to talk about things to a neutral person who maybe can shed some light on what's happened, or help you with some coping techniques.

Really hard with children about, but I would agree about talking to them about it, and giving them as much of the truth as you feel comfortable with/you think they can cope with. I was watching a programme on finding out who your natural father was (I lead a sad life!), and one of the phychologists on there said that younger children were much more adaptable to change. I certainly know children that have never lived with both parents and seem very adjusted to it, because they saw lots of both families and knew they were very much loved. Good luck, and I hope that your firm line pays off.

CC - sound's like he's finally realising that he's either on his last chance or it's too little too late. important things thou is not to be swayed either way by him (obviously not by us either) well all just listen and be here what ever you decided.

for now thou, I hope you can rest up and gather your strenght about you. I hope this is now the start of a new phase in your life either with or without him, but perhaps he needs some form of councilling alone as well as toghter if it's to work out?

CC how are you toady?? I have just read through all your posts and what a hard decision to make
Is he coming back today? You said yesterday he was going for the night. Maybe a week at least would be better. You need to have more time a space to see how you feel and I don't think you can really do anything in one night.

Let us know how you are :-) xxx

Sorry today not toady

Hi there CC. I have been following your post with interest as I am in a very similar position. Most of it I think is of my own doing. My DH always thinks he is right and my opinion does not have much value so I stopped giving it. I am now being accused of apathy about our relationship. We are very much on the verge of splitting with him sleeping downstairs every night. My problem is that I am unable to communicate with him without getting upset. I wish I could be stronger about stating what I want. I have lived with him putting me down and chipping away at my self confidence and now he's telling me that this is my fault too. Apparently letting myself go and putting weight on is disrespectful to him and embarassing. Again I havn't been able to tell anyone about this and am putting on the false smile each day. I'm miserable and so's he. my DS doesn't realise anything is wrong. I feel like we could patch things up for so long but eventually our lack of communication on vital issues is going to destroy us.

cc, how are u doing? hope everything is ok (hugs)

hulla sorry to hear what ur going through too (hugs)

hope things work out for the both of u

xxx

Hello I'm new to this but here goes. I was in an abusive relationship and only got the courage to leave when I had my ds. There is no right or wrong way to go. You just have to do what you can to ensure that you and your children have a happy life. My exh is still trying to make me out to be the bad guy. But I just have to trust that my ds will see him for what he really is when my ds is much older (he's five and a half). I hope you have support whatever you decide. Hugs for Chucklechick, Hullabaloo and Crazydays. It will get better. Promise!!

Hullabaloo, my exh sounds much like yours. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT It never was and never will be. Men like these thrive on belittling and demeaning us. There is nothing wrong with you. He is the one with the problem. Is there no-one you can talk to? You have nothing to be ashamed of and talking definitely helps.

Message withdrawn

hello cc,

hows things going now?
hope things have improved for u

(hugs)

xxxx

Hi chucklechick, was nearly in this postion last night, after i had had enough and said that he doesn't realise how close i am to leaving. He said if i was unhappy then he doesn't want me to stay. But we talked things through and hopefully we are back on track.

Basically, I sometimes think it's worse to stay with someone just because you have kids, I am sure they will still see there day and obviously it will be a difficult time for all of you. My mum and dad split up when i was five, i can hardly remember them being together, but i spent more quality time with my dad then when he lived with us. If you are miserable and it might mean your kids are miserable, put yourself first and decide what you want and then make plans to sort it out. Lodes of parents split up and kids are more stronger than you think. As long as they know that you 'both' love them i am sure things will work out ok. Hope you are ok and can sort things out one way or the other.

Do you love him??

Chucklechick and crazychick!! I'm in the same situation!! Hubby won't leave (we rent privately) he says it's just as much HIS home as it is mine (and he has nowhere to go!) I just want him out before he says sorry, I forgive him thinking "this really might be it...he's gonna change" then later on that same evening being left in the house on my own while he goes out to his mates' houses after I have begged him to let me go and see a friend for an hour before he goes out....then finding myself crying into the couch 4 hours later knowing it's too late to go out now. I feel a prisoner in my own home! I love the kids to bits but it's like I can't go anywhere without them or if it's evening I can't go out til they're asleep. Anyone get this?

chozen yeah i get it i could never go out anywhere even if i put my dd's to bed my now exp and the dd's dad wouldnt have them for me and it was very rare if he did and where i had to plead and beg for him to have our dd's he just walked out the door when he felt like going out, it just doesnt seem fair