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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How To Tell the Children????

109 replies

chucklechick · 01/09/2005 09:23

I think that DP and I are at breaking point.

I feel that I cant take anymore and the option left for us is to split. Its making me feel sick to the stomach to do this but I feel like I am drowning.

The only thing stopping this at the mo is the kids. How can I split my children from their dad? I know that my life emotionally will be happier if I were away from him but I can't bring myself to do this.

What do you say to a five year old????

I've posted before under a different name a few months ago.

I told him yesterday that I cant go on and he got really angry and said if I want to break our family up then I can be the one to leave (with kids) His reason? So that I am the 'one who looks bad' in the kids eyes - how pathetic and crazy is that, am hoping it is just a last ditch attempt at keeping us together but more likely his control tactics as usual.

I'm always worried about posting on here incase someone in RL is on here (silly I know) and it stops me writing certain things but I feel so confused and sad and scared it helps to write things down.

Sorry its long.

OP posts:
rickman · 01/09/2005 10:24

Message withdrawn

compo · 01/09/2005 10:27

If you can try and wait until she is settled in at school. Or have her start after Christmas instead?

Chandra · 01/09/2005 10:27

CHCH, I believe that it would be a good idea to make a plan about how and when is the best way/time for YOU to leave. Wait if you need to, but don't put aside important things (like your unhapiness and the children growing up with rowing parents) for the urgent ones (like the stress of starting school if waiting until that point makes the things far worse). If you are not working, don't leave just yet, try to make yourself stronger in the mean time by finding out about the alternatives, i.e. what could you do, where could you live, the economic impact in your life style, etc. Once that you have found out and taken action regarding these things you may feel more confident in taking the big step.

Original poster
chucklechick · 01/09/2005 11:28

Now he has phoned and reckons we can still solve all our problems.

I know that we can't and it will break my heart but I can't let this all die down gain and then simmer up and explode again in a few weeks time...................Crazydazy I'm sorry to hear you are in a similar position.

Thanks for all your advice. I feel like I'm falling apart

OP posts:
Original poster
chucklechick · 01/09/2005 11:44

I can't imagine life as a single mum. I don't know if I am strong enough to go thru with this.

OP posts:
mumtosomeone · 01/09/2005 11:48

mine were 6, 7 and 9
I just told them, think they diserve the truth.
Explain Mummy and Daddy still love them etc etc.
I think they knew things were bad!!
Best thing we did. they have a lot better realationship with their dad now!

Chandra · 01/09/2005 11:52

Well, if you think you can not do it (though I'm sure you could if you were really determined and sure about it being the best decision) How about using the oportunity of him willing to talk to introduce a condition, like to speak about that with the help of Relate of something of the sort?

MrsMiggins · 01/09/2005 13:17

I have no experience (although just found DH having affair so may end up in your shoes)

You should go to CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau)
They will be able to advise you or offer you help.
You deffo should NOT leave the home - you lose all sorts of rights if you do.

hope you can sort it out
xx

rickman · 01/09/2005 13:36

Message withdrawn

mumtosomeone · 01/09/2005 16:00

get advice fro m a solicitor. A married man has as much right to stay in the house etc. How long have you been together.

Mytwopenceworth · 01/09/2005 17:17

I am not a solicitor or anything, but I think that when children are involved then they get priority over either one of you when it comes to housing. Go to the cab - I think but am not sure that the one who will be the primary carer for the children gets the house. I think even if you are not married that a court can order it so. I also think that even if the house was in his name only, a court could order that you and the kids stay in it until the youngest child hits 18. Like I say, I am not a solicitor, but I just have the strongest feeling this is the way it normally works - a court could force him to go and leave the house to you and the kids, even if the order stipulated that at them hitting 18, it had to be sold and profits split or given back to him, depending on the circumstances. Court gives priority to the children staying in the family home.

Thomcat · 01/09/2005 17:20

oh honey so sorry.
I have just come back from a book shop and there was a book that was called my mummy and daddy are splitting up, and I thought what a good idea.

At the end of the day if you aren't happy then the kids won't thank you for staying and being miserable and unhappy. It took time but my parents divorcing was the best thing that ever happened to me. Lots of love to you.

I'll try and find that book btw.

mumtosomeone · 01/09/2005 18:27

I had to sell the house!!

rickman · 01/09/2005 21:04

Message withdrawn

crazydazy · 01/09/2005 21:28

God that is shocking!! I only council rent my house so I didn't know.

Chuckle, hi again, hope you can sort things out....if you are not happy though you need to sort things out.

Good luck

Mytwopenceworth · 01/09/2005 22:07

Really? That is awful!! I truly thought (assumed) that courts put the best interests of the kids first, regardless! - that's what you read isn't it - that the court thinks of the kids first, in housing, custody etc?!! I've read quite a few where court orders have given the house to the woman for her and the kids to live in until the kids hit 18, it's awful that that isn't the law or anything. So basically, it is hit and miss? Depends whether you have a good solicitor or a judge with a brain in his head? Surely a good solicitor has a duty to pursuade a court that it is best for the kids to not be uprooted? It's terrible. I also thought (assumed) the council will give preference to the kids staying if its la housing? How can anyone say ok kids you have to go and let your dad stay in the house on his own?!! It's morally wrong!

rickman · 01/09/2005 23:36

Message withdrawn

mumtosomeone · 02/09/2005 07:23

think people have an idea of the truth but the reality is so different!!! you get an hours free advice go use it!!!

Original poster
chucklechick · 02/09/2005 08:32

It all kicked off yesterday.

The kids stayed at their nans for the night so that we could talk. He cried and pleaded and begged me not to do this. It is breaking my heart. He has agreed to do anger mangement, see the doc to see if he is depressed and to go to relate or something similar.

I'm now in the position where I have to decide whether to try again and possibly end up in this situation a couple of months down the line. Or he might change if we go ahead with this. Like one last chance.

He was shocked that I actauly meant I was going. He said he would never make me and the kids leave, he wasn't thinking straight. He asked me if I wanted him to leave there and then. I caouldn't bring myself to do it.

I told him that the way we have been for the past few years has mad me dislike him as a person, though I still love him - I think.

I have asked him to give me more time to think but he keeps phoning saying he is in agony not knowing if he has his partner and children to come home to tonight, which is entirely understandable but its making me feel pressured and like he is controlling me again.

Please help

Do I finish it now or is this our last chance (and he knows it.)

OP posts:
crazydazy · 02/09/2005 08:58

Oh Chucklechick what a situation to be in. Like I say your situation is very similar to mine only that I haven't had the guts to end it as yet.

I think if you are having these feelings and despite everything he has said you still are not sure must mean deep down you feel that its over and you are just delaying something which will rear its ugly head again in a few months. He cannot change the person he is and neither can you.

Does he allow you any free time, I mean time on your own with your friends. This is the bone of contention with me. I have a stressfull time with the kids all day and sometimes he just flops in front of the TV and doesn't talke to me and I just long for some female company and he just doesn't want me to go anywhere without him or the kids or both!!!

This is the reason I am always on here because I know I will get to talk to other women!!!

He is even getting jealous of this now though!!!

I am thinking of you though

Original poster
chucklechick · 02/09/2005 09:02

He used to make life difficult for me to go out of an evening without him and over time it just kind of settled that I never go out on my ow really. We spoke about this yesterday and he has sworn everything will change or I can ask him to leave and he he will just go.

He also said that if I am having to think about it then its true that deep down I want it finished. I just don't know.

OP posts:
crazydazy · 02/09/2005 09:05

Yes I never go out on my own ever....it really does my head in!!!

I think really you have to think of your reasons for staying and see if they are more than your reasons for leaving!!!

I hope this advice is okay

munz · 02/09/2005 09:21

CC - (((hugs)) firstly, secondly, take a long hard think about what you want, (I don't expect any answers just think about it) where would u be happy, forget about DP and what he's saying to me yes hes probably upset but the wording elads me to think he wants to remain in control and I fear if u stay nothing will change - althou please prove me wrong. u need to be strong here honney - and deep down inside u know u can be and u have the strenght to do what ever you want to do. but think about it - what would make u happy. seriously and ur children. If u do decide to leave/him to leave (probably better option) then make sure you are certian it's what u want, only I fear with the type of man he's coming accross as it's all about control so if u leave then have him back/go back he'll know every time u say it in future u won't actually do it. I'm hoping i'm barking up the wrong tree there and correct me please if i'm wrong.

if you should decided to stay, then tell him it's ur terms or no terms and tell him exactly what's to happen and make sure he sticks to it. u deserve happiness, as do ur children. perhaps start going out with a girlfriend as well - even if it's only to her house for a cuppa in the evenings, take back a little control then hopefully things should balance back out again. either way hon the choice is yours and urs alone don't be swayed by him and what he says.

good luck I wish u well. (((hugs)))

(same for CD as well if the advice applys to u, if nto please ignore it)

Original poster
chucklechick · 02/09/2005 10:04

Thanks for the advice you two.

I veer from thinking 'yes its hard but this is the right thing to do' to 'how can I do this to my little family'

What do I do when I don't know what to do????? hows that for an impossible question!?!

I can't think straight and he wants to know what is going on. I can't cope.

CD - when all this has died down I would love to talk to you some more. You sound in a bad way too.

OP posts:
munz · 02/09/2005 10:27

CC - tell him to butt out if there's any chance of saving this relationship, and give u some space as I think all round it's what's best.

no one can decide for u hon, u have to take the leap of faith and hope either way whaht u decide is for the best and works out.

((hugs))